I have a date

[greendots]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Love the weil method of 4-7-8 breathing!

OT - thanks to you I started looking into it. ☺️ I wish I had know about this breathing technique eons ago.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

typing messages to her doesn't mean he's interested in dating her and reading into typed messages as signs is what triggers the anxiety IMO.

Yup, learnt this the hard way. Anyhow, I hope OP has good news to share. 🙂

[Batya33]

25 minutes ago, greendots said:

OT - thanks to you I started looking into it. ☺️ I wish I had know about this breathing technique eons ago.

Yup, learnt this the hard way. Anyhow, I hope OP has good news to share. 🙂

Oh! I am so happy I could share this with you!  So I increased my use of it as a way to keep calm in this parenting chaos I mean gig.  I also find practicing it when I feel calm is good too.  

I too hope the OP plans another date.

[Alex39]

I appreciate all the advice. I read every post and prayed a bit, then realized how crazy it was that I let one simple date dictate my emotions and my life. It was one date. One. I am hoping to adopt a more carefree attitude- as one poster mentioned. 

I think I just take it as such a dig to my confidence when someone doesn't like me. That I'm not pretty enough, interesting enough, that I'm not conversing enough or listening enough, that I'm unattractive. 

Surprisingly enough my mom asked me if we conversed well. At first, I took it as a dig, that maybe she thought I was an awkward loser, but then she explained that she just meant it as maybe we weren't compatible. Maybe we didn't connect. 

That hit me too. I'm not the only one in this scenario. The other person may not be interesting or engaging or connecting. It's a 50-50 situation. I always just blame myself and act like the other person is some high God. 

I struggle every day. That I'm not worthy of the love that I truly want. That it seems for other people to just fall into their lap. But not for me. 

That I talk too fast. That I'm Curvy. That I'm not interesting. That my posture isnt great. My hair isn't looking nice enough. I keep going over what would turn someone off. 

I just want someone to really get to know me. To appreciate my quirks, my personality,  who loves having me in their life. I want to feel sexy. Not saying that I don't. But I want to feel sexy for someone else. Not just for me. For someone to think I'm amazing inside and out. 

I've never been in love. 

I feel unfulfilled in life. I have a good job, house, the works. But I feel like something has always been missing. But I can never figure out what it is or how to fix this feeling. I always assume it's love. That's all I'm missing. And there's so much I would love to do with a partner. 

I feel bummed out. Not over this one guy. That's water under the bridge. But just at my situation. Horribly lonely, and longing to give and receive love. 

[MissCanuck]

So, have you asked him to meet again?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Surprisingly enough my mom asked me if we conversed well.

Did you ever hear from him or follow up or are you just going to keep talking to your mother and shrink away from dating?

[Alex39]

I don't want to chase the guy. I think it'd be like me chasing him. 

[lostandhurt]

Wait what???

You find him attractive and would like to get to know him better and you are clear you would like to fall in love someday and yet you won't even take a chance and send a few words through a text?

 What is the absolute worse thing that could happen if you invited him on a coffee date?  He says no?

Men are not immune to all the things you feel while dating so be brave and send a text asking him out and see what happens.

 You mentioned it seems like love just falls in some peoples lap but for most of us we took the initiative and went after what we wanted.  Taking a chance, putting our fears of rejection aside, taking control of our own lives and doing the hard things is what gets you what you want, not sitting waiting for some guy to get up the nerve to ask you out again. 

 Regrets suck so why chance it and wonder 6 months down the road if you had just asked him out what might have been.

Be brave and ask him. It isn't chasing, it is taking control of your dating life.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't want to chase the guy. I think it'd be like me chasing him. 

It's rude to eat and run. Being polite and reciprocating and keeping your word is not 'chasing'. Avoid these play-by-plays with your mother.

[boltnrun]

My husband and I would never have gotten married or had a family if I hadn't kissed him.

I mean, I was pretty sure he liked me but he was very passive because he didn't want to do anything that I might be offended by. So I had an opportunity and took it.

I don't recommend you plant one on this guy. But asking him to meet for coffee or dessert or both? Why not?

Like my signature line says, if you change nothing, nothing changes.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I don't want to chase the guy. I think it'd be like me chasing him. 

No, it isn't. 

It would be you reciprocating interest. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I don't want to chase the guy. I think it'd be like me chasing him. 

So what? If you really liked the guy and want to know where it leads, it really doesnt matter. If he likes you he wouldnt se it as desprate or anything else, he would be glad. Say that you want to thank him for expensive dinner. He enjoys golf so take him to mini-golf. It doesnt matter if he says no. If he does, at least you will know definite answer.

Also yes, love comes easier to some people. I have a friend that lives with the girl, they would probably get married. She complained the other day that he never took her on official date. Because he usually hooks up with the girl on first night they meet, and then builds from there. Dont even think he has been on an official date with the girl. But even him had his own strugles because you can imagine how much little he actually knows about the girls he hooks up with and then builds relationship and what kind of girls he got from certified crazy to actually decent. So yes, in his case its more luck. For the rest of us, yes, we need to go to infinite dates that lead to nowhere(I dont even remember some of mine), see if the other person suits us and maybe, just maybe get that second date. Its a process. And not an easy one. I am all for you justt brushing it off if you feel lukewarm about him. But if you really like that guy, at least ask. Its better then wondering tomorrow what it could happen.

[gamon]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 I read every post and prayed a bit

Less praying, more being proactive.

Watch as things improve.

[Batya33]

If he is still texting you I think it's ok to remind him that he'd wanted to get together again. Bring up the topic. If he stopped contacting you I wouldn't initiate again.  I don't think it's brave to ask someone out on a date. I did a number of times -no biggie- I have other reasons why I didn't do it more often.

I hope he gets in touch -if he does certainly ok to remind him.  I did that one time and we did have one more date.  In hindsight it was a mistake for me to call him and remind him that he'd suggested seeing a specific movie.  Whatever interest he'd had when he asked fizzled -he said yes based on lukewarm interest. Was not a fun afternoon.  Hope it's different for you!

[Alex39]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If he is still texting you I think it's ok to remind him that he'd wanted to get together again. Bring up the topic. If he stopped contacting you I wouldn't initiate again.  I don't think it's brave to ask someone out on a date. I did a number of times -no biggie- I have other reasons why I didn't do it more often.

I hope he gets in touch -if he does certainly ok to remind him.  I did that one time and we did have one more date.  In hindsight it was a mistake for me to call him and remind him that he'd suggested seeing a specific movie.  Whatever interest he'd had when he asked fizzled -he said yes based on lukewarm interest. Was not a fun afternoon.  Hope it's different for you!

He stopped contacting me

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He stopped contacting me

Then I would not contact him again.  He had plenty of opportunity to follow up on what he told you in person.  Perhaps he will get back in touch.  Move on in the meanwhile.  It is only one date -no biggie!

[waffle]

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He stopped contacting me

I wouldn't take any of it personally.  This really is part and parcel of the whole online scene (he contacted you through social media, right?).  Guy contacts you because he's curious about you, wonders if you look like your pictures, etc.  You meet and all may be well, you get along well and you look like your pictures, and I'm sure he meant it in the moment when he said he'd like to see you again.  But ultimately his curiosity is satisfied. 

[gamon]

I read back over some of your posts since February.

About how lonely you are, and how you rarely get dates and if you do they don't go anywhere. And about how you stay home all the time, rarely go out, you sit on your couch with your cat, you bake a lot, you eat all of what you bake because you're alone, and you've described yourself as "curvy".

I will gently suggest that you need to make your own luck- by that I mean rather than depending on the power of prayer, or random factors happening in your favor- you get yourself up and out, you bake less, eat less and make yourself attractive so more guys will connect with you and of those that do, they'll want to see you again.

There's a reason you've gone to 4 weddings in the past year alone, and everyone around you is coupled up. You are the common denominator and you need to work on fixing this rather than sitting around waiting for your luck to change.

 

[Batya33]

I know and know of a number of women who are curvy, are technically overweight, always have been -and are healthy -I mean they exercise, eat properly, and they do fine at their annual checkups etc.  There's a real range of what is a healthy weight and it's also individual.  I am not curvy and have only been overweight for a short period of time when I was on a really bad birth control pill and when I was pregnant - during pregnancy plus I guess the 5 months it took me to lose all the baby weight.  

What I do know is if you look overweight rather than proportioned (meaning you're not slim/thin but your body reflects a person who takes care of herself - a person who exercises even if  there are no pronounced muscles etc)   if you look overweight you most typically are at a huge disadvantage being in your 30s and dating with the rare exception of I find certain smaller cities/towns it's no biggie.  Many men are happy with curvy.  Not with a woman who looks heavy/fat.  Even if they are heavy/fat (I know, unfair!).

It's not fair but in my experience over many years it is reality.  I'd go for a weight loss strategy that values doing things slowly, creating new habits, tweaking your lifestyle such that it sticks long term - really long term.  I've had to do that to maintain my weight for sure.  I'm 56.  Yo yo back and forth is really bad for your body I've heard so I don't recommend it.

Good luck and please don't take it personally that he appears to have changed his mind about seeing you again.  

 

[waffle]

36 minutes ago, gamon said:

. . . you bake less, eat less and make yourself attractive so more guys will connect with you and of those that do, they'll want to see you again.

Yes, quit being fat and hideous.

Lord. 🙄

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, waffle said:

Yes, quit being fat and hideous.

Lord. 🙄

I don't think fat is hideous at all.  I think a woman can look very beautiful in many different body sizes and shapes.  I thought I looked darn cute when I gained 37 pounds while I was pregnant.  I got hit on twice and I was 42! I think in the dating world when a woman is in her 30s and dating men in her age group looking overweight/out of shape is a fairly typical reason for a man to decline to date her or decline to date more than a few times.  

[boltnrun]

Are YOU happy with your weight? Do YOU feel you're beautiful just the way you are?

If so, then those who are incapable of appreciating your beauty aren't right for you anyway.

But if you would like to lose weight there are things you can implement today to get started. One thing I do is ask myself "Am I truly hungry or just bored? Am I truly hungry or am I heading to the kitchen because there's something good in there?" If I'm not truly hungry I do not need to eat. Also, don't use food as a reward. Find another way to celebrate a good day at work or a pretty sunset. Don't have a "cheat day" because that puts a value on unhealthy food. If you are an emotional eater, call a friend (please, don't call your mom!) and talk about how you feel. Or take a nice bath or a walk or watch a show you enjoy. You love to bake? Then look for some healthy recipes and bake those instead of gooey, sugary sweets. And best of all, go for walks as often as you can. Daily is preferable. Don't try to set any speed records or travel a certain distance or achieve a certain number of steps. Just stroll, enjoy the scenery and make it a happy experience. Nature is amazingly beautiful, so go out and enjoy it!

As for that guy? So, he's not right for you and that's OK. The right one is out there, but you do have to get out of your living room to find him.

 

[Batya33]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Are YOU happy with your weight? Do YOU feel you're beautiful just the way you are?

If so, then those who are incapable of appreciating your beauty aren't right for you anyway.

From all I've read the answer is no because she describes herself as curvy -a positive way!! - but posts a lot about being concerned about having gained quite a bit recently and it doesn't just seem like she is happy with her weight but others are not.  So I think there's some conflict there.  Also I'd have her focus on -even if she thinks she looks attractive -whether she has any health issues related to being overweight. Whether the weight is because of too much sugar/bad fats.

Because that can affect her fertility later on and her ability to lose baby weight such that instead of having gained 30 pounds she'll gain a lot more and not have a way of losing it because of all the years of being an overweight person.  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Am I truly hungry or just bored? Am I truly hungry or am I heading to the kitchen because there's something good in there?" If I'm not truly hungry I do not need to eat. Also, don't use food as a reward.

Love this but also ask "am I hungry or thirsty? /am I on track to drink at least 10 glasses of tap water today and did I just drink a diet drink that triggered a carb craving?"

[boltnrun]

Another tip...if you don't buy it you can't eat it. I sometimes go into my kitchen because I want a salty, fatty snack. But there aren't any in there because I didn't buy any! I can't gorge on cookies or ice cream if I don't have any.

[Alex39]

48 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are YOU happy with your weight? Do YOU feel you're beautiful just the way you are?

If so, then those who are incapable of appreciating your beauty aren't right for you anyway.

But if you would like to lose weight there are things you can implement today to get started. One thing I do is ask myself "Am I truly hungry or just bored? Am I truly hungry or am I heading to the kitchen because there's something good in there?" If I'm not truly hungry I do not need to eat. Also, don't use food as a reward. Find another way to celebrate a good day at work or a pretty sunset. Don't have a "cheat day" because that puts a value on unhealthy food. If you are an emotional eater, call a friend (please, don't call your mom!) and talk about how you feel. Or take a nice bath or a walk or watch a show you enjoy. You love to bake? Then look for some healthy recipes and bake those instead of gooey, sugary sweets. And best of all, go for walks as often as you can. Daily is preferable. Don't try to set any speed records or travel a certain distance or achieve a certain number of steps. Just stroll, enjoy the scenery and make it a happy experience. Nature is amazingly beautiful, so go out and enjoy it!

As for that guy? So, he's not right for you and that's OK. The right one is out there, but you do have to get out of your living room to find him.

 

I'm not happy. I'm 5'4' and 235 pounds. At my lightest, I was 125 pounds. I look at pictures and then me now, and I don't recognize myself. I try to accept myself and remain confident, but I know I look heavier. 

 

I hate what my life has become. I work, cook, eat, sit around, alone. I'm a lame cat lady who craves a more fun and exciting life.