Helping my whole family be more carefree and fun

[Cherylyn]

You can't help your whole family.  You need to help yourself by cutting the umbilical cord.  Be your own person similar to your brother while practicing tact.  There is a way to remain respectful yet firm and unwavering. 

If you are financially independent, move out and learn how to enforce healthy boundaries by keeping your well mannered and deliberate distance. 

I'm not particularly close to my mother and sister yet we are peaceful which works very well.  I'm close to my brother.  I'm not close to my in-laws either yet again, we are peaceful.  It is possible to have peaceful relationships as long as you control yourself and the relationship to your favor.  You have to be tough and strong with this new mindset.  It's only successful when you switch gears and try this new tactic. 

[Batya33]

Great advice here.  How silly to interpret it as someone wanting you to shun your family.  Boundaries don't mean shunning -far from it -in fact you'll be closer to your mother when you assert boundaries and insist on an adult to adult relationship.  

Make your own fun - plan your own fun activities and once you establish boundaries if you want to include a family member -go for it! They are not childless by the way -once you have kids you might have your kids living elsewhere because they're in college or they're in a divorce situation or whatever -but you are always the parent. 

And a parent's job is to adjust to the increasing independence of your kids.  It's really hard!! (My son is 13 and wow is it hard on both ends -knowing how much to let go, when, in what context and what is safe in this crazy world!) And needs constant tweaking.  Your mom doesn't feel like taking up this effort or challenge - so unfortunately you have to cut the cord or cut it more. 

My son actually has to do that with me sometimes "don't hold my hand" "let me cross the street myself" "I'm not going to tell you the name of the girl I have a crush on but it begins with an S" [yes I randomly guessed and was right and he was in shock].  But seriously Alex- you know this is lopsided.  You can love your mom and want to spend time with her and spend time with her and be an adult and assert yourself.  And if she won't respect your boundaries don't shun her completely just limit your interactions. If she loves you in the right way she'll come around.  

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

But I love her, I love spending time with her. When times were tough,she's the only person who was there for me. Helped me. When no one else else cared. She'd never leave me high and dry. 

 I don't see why the above means you cannot also have some healthy space from her. So, what do you think would help you? 

Your threads go in circles, with you itemizing the ways your mom displays toxic behaviour. 

Posters agree it's toxic behaviour.

You then list all the ways she's amazing. 

Perhaps you can share with us what you feel would be effective here, because you nearly always get the same advice (implementing some boundaries) and yet you keep repeating the same behaviour with her and expecting different results. 

 

[boltnrun]

You ever hear that song by the band Garbage "I'm only happy when it rains"?

Maybe all of this conflict with your family, your friend who's getting married, etc. gives you something to do. It keeps you from being bored or feeling like there's nothing interesting going on in your life.

Instead, get involved in things that you truly find interesting. Are you into sports? Cooking? Art? Music? Crafting? Dance? Designing? Get involved hands on with something you enjoy. Soon enough you'll find you have no time for drama. Mom wants to come over to clean? "Sorry, Mom, my team has a softball game that day." Mom wants to take you shopping for clothes she thinks you should wear? "Sorry, Mom, me and New Friend are taking a crepe making class this weekend. Let's get together for a late lunch afterward." And set a time limit. You're available for lunch but afterwards you need to leave to go see a dance performance at the local theater. 

Side bonus is all the new people you'll meet. News flash, single men often take cooking or dancing lessons or join coed sports teams to meet women!

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

"Sorry, Mom, me and New Friend are taking a crepe making class this weekend. Let's get together for a late lunch afterward. next month"

Great ideas. Be busy very busy. 

[Wiseman2]

Detoxing from your mother but continually talking, visiting, vacationing, etc. together is like holding an AA meeting in a bar. 

Read: Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs By Steven Hassan, PhD and mental health counselor

[Kwothe28]

Why so much emphasis on making someone else fun at all? People do things on their own pace. What is fun to you maybe isnt for your parents and they have their own way of life. I had a late uncle who made a garage with a row in his house. When I asked him why he said that he just wants to repair cars now and then even when he gets his pension. To me it was a waste of his retirement days as his pension was big, his health not that good and they could, for example, travel somewhere. But he loved repairing cars. But who am I to tell him that what he does isnt fun? Same for you. Focus more on you and enjoy your life more.

53 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

"Sorry, Mom, me and New Friend are taking a crepe making class this weekend.

I am sorry but I need to ask: Does that thing actually exists?

Its literally a 3 turns process where you make a simple ingredients mass, put it in a pan, turn it after a minute and put it in a plate. And then put whatever you want on crepe. Do they really have a class for something so simple?

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Why so much emphasis on making someone else fun at all? People do things on their own pace. What is fun to you maybe isnt for your parents and they have their own way of life. I had a late uncle who made a garage with a row in his house. When I asked him why he said that he just wants to repair cars now and then even when he gets his pension. To me it was a waste of his retirement days as his pension was big, his health not that good and they could, for example, travel somewhere. But he loved repairing cars. But who am I to tell him that what he does isnt fun? Same for you. Focus more on you and enjoy your life more.

I am sorry but I need to ask: Does that thing actually exists?

Its literally a 3 turns process where you make a simple ingredients mass, put it in a pan, turn it after a minute and put it in a plate. And then put whatever you want on crepe. Do they really have a class for something so simple?

You truly don't know anyone who doesn't cook at all? 

I know someone who doesn't cook. She decided she wanted to cook some broccoli but she literally had never used her microwave. So she put the broccoli onto a plate with no water and no cover or plastic wrap over it and set the microwave for 15 minutes. Yep, she did. Guess how that turned out? And now she says she hates broccoli because of what happened. Because it was the broccoli's fault 🤣 BTW, this woman is in her 40s.

So yes, they do have classes for this.

[Alex39]

I definitely think I need to be busy. I get too wrapped up in other people's drama because I am bored. It does make my life interesting. 

I think I feel indebted to my mom. She and my dad help me a lot. Fix things around my house, painting, renovating, buying me things. I notice my mom always is saying how I need to help her fix her house when I visit. I feel so guilty. She needs me and my help to figure out banking, home stuff, decorating, cooking. 

I feel like it isn't my responsibility to help her. It's preventing me from having my own life, because my life is so ingrained with the family. 

 

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I get too wrapped up in other people's drama because I am bored. It does make my life interesting.

So you want to date and find a nice man, right? What will you say when he asks you what your interests are? That you enmesh yourself into other people's lives and fixate on what you believe are their issues to keep yourself from being bored?

The band Harvey Danger has a line in one of their songs..."if you're bored, then you're boring". So, do something!

What are your interests? 

And you don't owe your parents your entire life. You can spend time with them and help out without giving all of your free time to them.

[Seraphim]

34 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I definitely think I need to be busy. I get too wrapped up in other people's drama because I am bored. It does make my life interesting. 

I think I feel indebted to my mom. She and my dad help me a lot. Fix things around my house, painting, renovating, buying me things. I notice my mom always is saying how I need to help her fix her house when I visit. I feel so guilty. She needs me and my help to figure out banking, home stuff, decorating, cooking. 

I feel like it isn't my responsibility to help her. It's preventing me from having my own life, because my life is so ingrained with the family. 

 

You don’t owe your parents your life for raising you. That was their job . 
She needs help with banking and cooking as a doctor? Why? These are not complicated issues. No, she is using this to keep you entrapped. Tell her to figure it out . 

[DancingFool]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want to be me.

You can't really be anyone else. Maybe a more constructive way to look at is that you are currently not happy with your life and would like to improve it. So, sit down and start a list of concrete things you can do, short term and long term, that would make your life more fulfilling and happier that do not include your family.

 

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want my own life. I call her to confer over lots of things, almost asking her approval. When I do have a differing opinion,my mother gets mad and I just give in. It's easier than fighting. 

This is a major communication issue on your end. If you ask a person for their opinion/input, then you listen politely, take whatever bits of advice that work for you and disregard the rest. If you find that the input is just not for you, then you again thank them for their input and then go do whatever actually works for you. What you don't do, is ask for someone's opinion and then start debating and arguing with them because their opinion doesn't match yours. Literally anyone would get frustrated with you in this situation. 

As for approval, the only person who has to approve of your choices is YOU. You are the one who has to live with the consequences of YOUR decisions. Nobody else. The sooner you grasp that, the easier your life will become.

6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I want my own life. I've literally spent whole young life around people my moms age,like my mom. I have young friends too but don't see then that much. Toting along after my mom.

My mother blames me. Claiming that she's always had to make me friends and I am not social. I blame her. 

Your mother isn't blaming you, she is stating facts and facts are not insults. Even as a 30 year old adult, you are choosing to spend more time with your mother than on developing friendships and socializing with your own age group. There is nobody to blame here and no right or wrong really. These are just the choices you are actively making and the consequences you are living with.

If you don't like how that's going, then see above. Start making a concrete list on how to improve the quality of your life and start taking concrete action to make it happen.

Ultimately, you need to stop blaming your parents and start dealing with your personal extreme insecurities and learning how to become a stronger, calmer, more grounded, more independent person. This is your personal journey and nothing to do with your mother. On that note, fixating on "fixing" your parents is you avoiding dealing with yourself and your actual personal issues. The only one you can ever fix is yourself, so stop playing avoidance games and get on with the real job at hand - working on yourself.

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Even recently my mom just ruined my mood. I started talking to this new guy online. He seems nice so far. All my mom did was criticize him. I hadn't even met him and was just excited to tell her about what I did know of him. I got off the phone in such a bad mood. 

She literally said that maybe he was lazy and I needed to research him online. I found out he works full time, owns his own home, and so far seems responsible. 

I have a first date with him this week. I'm not even going to tell her. 

Alex, you already know the outcome whenever you go running to your Mom to tell her something that makes you happy.

WE all know where that's going to lead you even before you finish the stories, so why do pretend to be surprised?

Ya gotta stop doing that. Confide in friends, confide here, find other outlets, but you stop disclosing things to your mother in the hope that she will encourage you. 

She. Never. Will.

Once you can grasp that, you can work 'around' your Mom's limitations to love her in ways that practice the adult skill of DISCRETION.

Develop the skill.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I know. But I love her, I love spending time with her. When times were tough,she's the only person who was there for me. Helped me. When no one else else cared. She'd never leave me high and dry. 

You don't need to cut her off, you need to adopt your role as an adult and stop seeking her approval.

Every adult needs to learn how to accept the shift in roles from being the one who is cared FOR to the one who is cared ABOUT while accepting the mantle of the adult role even before our parents start needing our care.

Over time we learn the most respectful ways to start parenting our parents. Even while they are still cognizant and independent. 

Well, what do the best parents do? They allow for individuality and they water the parts of the garden that they want to grow--the good stuff--while they let the weeds die.

You never had this modeled for you, your Mom focused on the weeds, and you grew beautifully in spite of that. So you'll need to learn how to model the best, most encouraging techniques on your own.

So drop the child role that seeks the encouragement, learn discretion in what is appropriate to discuss, and model instead how to offer kindness and encouragement that remains focused on the good stuff.

My own critical Mom responded well to this over time, and her changes were self directed in large part because I dropped my child role and stopped asking for her opinions. 

When she offered her criticisms, I gently told her that if I need advice I'll ask for it, and I appreciate her respect for my independence.

Stop watering the weeds and then complaining about them. 

Become the adult that you wish your Mom could have been for you.

Stop playing the wounded child, and you will grow beyond it.

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I think I feel indebted to my mom. She and my dad help me a lot. Fix things around my house, painting, renovating, buying me things. I notice my mom always is saying how I need to help her fix her house when I visit. I feel so guilty. She needs me and my help to figure out banking, home stuff, decorating, cooking. 

I feel like it isn't my responsibility to help her. It's preventing me from having my own life, because my life is so ingrained with the family. 

When you choose to allow and accept that, then it absolutely IS your responsibility to reciprocate and pay them back.

If you don't like that, then STOP using them to benefit yourself and start paying contractors to get the work done instead and buy your own stuff with your own money. Problem solved.

 

[Seraphim]

No one is asking you to abandon your mom; we are asking you to have boundaries for your own sanity and emotionally support yourself . 

[Batya33]

I wanted to follow up on what I think Kwok said about judging what is fun - I am sensitive to that because my life is not as objectively fun as it was 20 plus years ago. Meaning I did things, activities, socialized in ways that were thought of -by "society" as fun -and really interesting. But I keep my life and conversations interesting by being well read, up on current events, travel to other places and countries with my family and just giving a darn about what is going on in my friends' lives.  But no we're not this social media type fun family. I don't post on social media in that sense.  

Please don't go there with what people post on social media as far as what is fun -for everyone with the fun vacay pics please know there are a good percentage of them who are not telling you about the not-fun parts of the trip, for those posting their awesome crepe making class followed by a Crossfit session and smoothies, please know that some of them would have preferred to be reading a novel but felt pressured to be "fun".

  For those throwing gender reveal parties or going to escape rooms followed by a night partying for a bachelorette party please know that you're not going to see the not fun hangover or the not fun splitting of the bill with people who take advantage of "splitting". 

Please don't impose on your family what is fun and certainly not by comparing them to your relative's family.  

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I definitely think I need to be busy. I get too wrapped up in other people's drama because I am bored. It does make my life interesting. 

I think I feel indebted to my mom. She and my dad help me a lot. Fix things around my house, painting, renovating, buying me things. I notice my mom always is saying how I need to help her fix her house when I visit. I feel so guilty. She needs me and my help to figure out banking, home stuff, decorating, cooking. 

I feel like it isn't my responsibility to help her. It's preventing me from having my own life, because my life is so ingrained with the family. 

 

This is how your family manipulates the relationship so you'll feel endlessly obliged and beholden to them. 

You are responsible for your own life as a grown adult.  They've done their job raising you and now it's time for you to keep your distance by enforcing healthy boundaries.  There is no guilt.  Boundaries are created when being "nice" doesn't work anymore. 

Un-grain yourself so you can live more independently and not rely on them so heavily anymore.  The more they do for you, the more they'll expect in return.  Realize this equation.