Helping my whole family be more carefree and fun

[Alex39]

Just venting. Need some clarity. 

As a young person, I never struggled with my mother. I listened to her. I trusted her. But I was a shy, awkward, self conscious teen. My mom is super social. People like her. I felt I wasn't pushed into being social. I was always so afraid to say or look stupid. So I was the kid in high school hanging out with mom and dad on a Friday night. 

I've always been so afraid to look stupid or stray from the norm, because that's unacceptable to my mother. You have to look and be your best all the time.

I wish I could be more like my brother. He beats to his own drum. He ignores my mother. Says what he wants. Does what he wants. 

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes my mother and I go out. It's fun, it's carefree, it's happy. 

As I got older though, I saw how she didn't respect me. If I said no, she'd ignore me. If I said no, and insisted I didn't want something she'd act mad. She'll come to my house to help me- say with yard work. She'll literally make us kill ourselves. She pushes her own self too far. We can't enjoy ourselves. She won't stop if I say so. She insists she's helping me, and she only has the one day to do it. I get that. But sometimes I just want to enjoy life with her. She won't stop, or listen to anyone. I appreciate her help. I do. But it gets to be too much. Then she complains for days about all the work she did. 

But as I got into my later 20s, I noticed my mother and I differed more, and when we did, the arguments were huge. If you don't agree with her, you are wrong. She doesn't like it. She isn't open minded to new things. An example, my family member is pregnant.  She's asking for gifts. My mother scoffs at some of the gifts as ridiculous,  because she doesn't think you need them for baby. Maybe they are a fad. Maybe it's new technology. She won't open her mind to see that maybe it's something new. 

I think I have anxious attachment style from childhood. Don't get me wrong. My parents were wonderful wonderful loving parents. Physically they were supportive. Emotionally they were loving,  on their terms. But often times I felt my emotions were ignored or downplayed. They weren't accepted, or I was told to stop being dramatic, for just having feelings. And sometimes I felt during times I emotionally needed them, I didn't get the support I needed. I was never asked how I felt. It was just always that you are supposed to feel as the family feels. I was never asked to express myself or show emotion. I did, and sometimes they were accepted.  So this wasn't all the time. But I never learned how to cope with emotion well, because I expressed it privately often by myself as a child. If times were emotional of upsetting, my mother liked to then act like nothing happened, say we got into a fight. I like to talk it out now as an adult. Talk about the cause, talk about feelings. My mother likes to ignore and move on. 

My mother will never ever admit it, but that's how she is. Controlling, and dedicated to the family unit.  If you don't do things how she thinks is okay, it's wrong. Literally, recently I was making a smoothie in a blender, with no problem. She grabbed it away, told me to step back and she would do it. She does this all the time. She'll take something out of your hand and scoff at you like you are an idiot. 

I'm 30 years old. She treats everyone this way. My father, myself. It frustrates my father. He's not perfect either. But their marriage is strained. I can see why. She makes you feel dumb. I've told her this. She disagrees and blames it on you. She makes my father feel dumb. I see it. She doesn't see how she comes across. Always correcting you. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it's not. 

A huge struggle for me recently has been weight loss. My mom's is a doctor. I know she knows medical things. I know how to diet. She proceeds to always tell me her two cents. I have been on this new kick of having a positive mindset around food. 

I used to always think that good food is good and bad food is bad. I used to 100% avoid all bad food, feel terrible, binge on them, feel worse.  But after following a bunch of dieticians on social media, they inspired me that food shouldn't be bad or good. And it shouldn't control your emotions or feelings towards yourself. That food should be equally enjoyed, not obsessed over, and moderation is key. 

I started with this fresh mindset. I started losing weight. I started appreciating food more, and moderating naturally. I started losing weight and it was a happy experience.  

I started telling my mom of my new mindset and such. She criticized me heavily, started saying that mindset doesn't lose pounds, that only not eating any bad food does. I started telling her that I was enjoying food and when I treated eating as a positive experience,  I was picking better options enjoying cooking, and losing weight. All she did was criticize it. Telling me how that wasn't a diet. 

After that, I binged on a ton of bad food, because I was upset. As soon as I am away from her I'm more positive. I literally sneak food around her and binge, because all she does is question me. She literally told me one time- I said I was hungry, she said no you aren't. I told her I was hungry. She told me I wasn't hungry because she and I ate the same thing and she wasn't hungry so neither was I. 

I literally waited until she went to bed, went in the kitchen, and snuck a snack. I shouldn't have to do that at 30 years old. I just don't need her hounding me. 

I struggle because I have so much negativity towards my mother, but I love her. She loves me. All she does is worry about me. Care for me she'd die for me. She is a dedicated mother. I just wish she could be more positive and less judgemental. She doesn't even realize how critical she is of everyone around her. 

I hate myself because I'm kind of like her now too. 

I'm very smart and creative. I see things more open minded than her. I am always day dreaming and researching new things. I like learning. 

I want to change. I don't want to be like her as I get older. I want a happy marriage, not like she and my father. I never want my kidd to feel like they can be themselves, and themselves doesn't have to be exactly like me. 

Life is full of mistakes. I hate making mistakes. I beat myself up forever about it. Because of my mother expecting things to be just so. She just thinks she's helping. She wants the best for you and she'll do whatever to help you. She doesn't see that she can also be very toxic in that mindset. She thinks she knows what is best for you more than you do. Is she right sometimes, yes. But she doesn't let you figure it out for yourself, and if she does, and it goes wrong, she is there to remind you. 

I love my mom. She's been there for every big doctors appointment,  holding my hand. I have a rare livable disease. She'll take you shopping and buy you something you like. She'll bring you food. She'll nurse you to good health. She's very kind to people. Her patients love her. 

I love her. I want her to live a better more positive lifestyle. To let go of her toxic behavior. To make things better with my father. How can I inspire this? I'm hoping I can get her to change. So we can be a happier family. 

Her and my father don't do anything fun. They are young, in their 50s, childless- children are grown, and can enjoy life. 

I can appreciate my aunt and uncle. They are fun.  They don't care, and they have fun. My mom's fun is only if she approves of it. I feel like our family isn't fun. My mom cares so much what others think. If you drink too much one night, you are a drunk, if you are too loud,you seem obnoxious. Even recently, a family member had a party. They had a fun game where you pose for a picture in this funny thing. My mom thought it was stupid and didn't do it. I followed her leas. Then later in the night, I did it. It was fun. It was stupid, but ffunny. I had fun and no one judged me. 

She controls the fun. My brother is fun. He doesn't care. I want us all to be more carefree. 

I just want our family of 4, my sibling, I, and my parents to enjoy life, be less toxic, and have more fun together. 

How can I help my whole family ? 

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

How can I help my whole family ? 

In short? You can't. 

You need to focus on you, and stop trying to direct the narrative for everyone else. Your threads suggest you get over-involved in family and friend's business, and you can see it's not getting you anywhere. In this case, your parents' marriage is their problem to figure out, not yours. Don't insert yourself. Be carefree if you want, but stop trying to change other people. You won't be able to. 

I would kindly suggst you could use some therapy to untangle this unhealthy relationship you have with your mother, and the damage it's caused for you over the years. You are the only person you can help, and given your multiple threads with the same theme (your dysfucntional relaitonship with Mom), I would not attempt to self-help here. A professional can work through this with you. 

[Alex39]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In short? You can't. 

You need to focus on you, and stop trying to direct the narrative for everyone else. Your threads suggest you get over-involved in family and friend's business, and you can see it's not getting you anywhere. In this case, your parents' marriage is their problem to figure out, not yours. Don't insert yourself. Be carefree if you want, but stop trying to change other people. You won't be able to. 

I would kindly suggst you could use some therapy to untangle this unhealthy relationship you have with your mother, and the damage it's caused for you over the years. You are the only person you can help, and given your multiple threads with the same theme (your dysfucntional relaitonship with Mom), I would not attempt to self-help here. A professional can work through this with you. 

I was in therapy for a while. That's how I saw how deep and messy our relationship is. I'm more aware of it now, than I ever was. 

Therapy is expensive so I had to stop. 

 

[Alex39]

Even recently my mom just ruined my mood. I started talking to this new guy online. He seems nice so far. All my mom did was criticize him. I hadn't even met him and was just excited to tell her about what I did know of him. I got off the phone in such a bad mood. 

She literally said that maybe he was lazy and I needed to research him online. I found out he works full time, owns his own home, and so far seems responsible. 

I have a first date with him this week. I'm not even going to tell her. 

[Jaunty]

It seems to me that you have some pretty ingrained co-dependent issues.  You can learn how to keep what your mom (aunt, grandmother, random guy, etc.) says or does from influencing your entire state of mind on a daily basis.  They are going to be who they are, and behave however they will.  You are not going to get them to change - just like your mom is not getting you to change.

You are wasting a lot of emotional energy on this type of thing.  You're spinning your wheels.

Maybe there is a 12 step group that would suit you.   I know there are groups for people who struggle with co-dependence, even when drugs/ alcohol may not be involved. 

[MissCanuck]

You need to distance yourself from you mom. 

But you know this. We've advised you of this in several threads. Only you can can help yourself, and you have to be willing to take those steps rather than just complain about her and write out lists of all the ways she's wronged you. 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

How can I help my whole family ?

You can't. There's nothing to help.  You mention many many times that they are wonderful parents etc.  So, why not simply accept your wonderful parents/family for who they are, instead of trying to change one small thing which you feel needs changing?  You can count yourself lucky to have such a wonderful family.  Thousands of people don't have that in their life.  Count your blessings.

[Wiseman2]

A 30 year old woman should not have the umbilical cord attached, particularly since you are employed, have your own place and are mentally competent.

Try your best to be more involved with friends your age.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 My brother is fun. He doesn't care. 

I just want our family of 4, my sibling, I, and my parents to enjoy life, be less toxic, and have more fun together. 

Follow your brother's example. Live your own life. You're not "a family of 4". Your parents are a couple with adult children.

[Seraphim]

You are co dependent on your mother . You are not separating your personality from hers , your life or your ideas from hers. Like her you want to control everyone and what they do. It is like a trauma bond. It doesn’t matter how expensive therapy is you need to invest in it to be happy. You will never be YOU without it. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 My mom's is a doctor.

Her and my father don't do anything fun. 

And she can't afford a vacation without sharing cars and overcrowded rooms?

Your stories often don't add up. Everyone is loving and wonderful. No wait, they're crazy and borderline abusive.

Why do you keep interfering in everyone's business?

[Alex39]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to distance yourself from you mom. 

But you know this. We've advised you of this in several threads. Only you can can help yourself, and you have to be willing to take those steps rather than just complain about her and write out lists of all the ways she's wronged you. 

I know. But I love her, I love spending time with her. When times were tough,she's the only person who was there for me. Helped me. When no one else else cared. She'd never leave me high and dry. 

[Alex39]

6 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

You can't. There's nothing to help.  You mention many many times that they are wonderful parents etc.  So, why not simply accept your wonderful parents/family for who they are, instead of trying to change one small thing which you feel needs changing?  You can count yourself lucky to have such a wonderful family.  Thousands of people don't have that in their life.  Count your blessings.

This is where I struggle. They are all good people. I think now as adults, we four are so different and it's tough. As great as my family is, they are also toxic too. I am grateful. 

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Follow your brother's example. Live your own life. You're not "a family of 4". Your parents are a couple with adult children.

This is a huge part of the toxicity. My mother still promotes us as a family of four. That since my brother and I aren't married, that we still make all decisions as a family. And she gets mad when we don't. She wants us to always be that unit. 

I get sucked into it sometimes. Then I realize that I want my own life with my own family. I live on my own. I am my own family. It's hard to break away from this. My brother tries more than I. It's easy and comfortable to still be that familyof 4. My mother likes to say that one day she won't be here and I'll wish we could have our family and her. 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

You are co dependent on your mother . You are not separating your personality from hers , your life or your ideas from hers. Like her you want to control everyone and what they do. It is like a trauma bond. It doesn’t matter how expensive therapy is you need to invest in it to be happy. You will never be YOU without it. 

I want to be me. 

I want my own life. I call her to confer over lots of things, almost asking her approval. When I do have a differing opinion,my mother gets mad and I just give in. It's easier than fighting. 

I want my own life. I've literally spent whole young life around people my moms age,like my mom. I have young friends too but don't see then that much. Toting along after my mom.

My mother blames me. Claiming that she's always had to make me friends and I am not social. I blame her. 

[Seraphim]

Just now, Alex39 said:

This is a huge part of the toxicity. My mother still promotes us as a family of four. That since my brother and I aren't married, that we still make all decisions as a family. And she gets mad when we don't. She wants us to always be that unit. 

I get sucked into it sometimes. Then I realize that I want my own life with my own family. I live on my own. I am my own family. It's hard to break away from this. My brother tries more than I. It's easy and comfortable to still be that familyof 4. My mother likes to say that one day she won't be here and I'll wish we could have our family and her. 

Always be the four of us is sick . It is cult like. My husband got out of his family like this and rejected their “ crazy.” You have to realise this is insane behaviour. So what if she gets mad. She won’t melt . 

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

And she can't afford a vacation without sharing cars and overcrowded rooms?

Your stories often don't add up. Everyone is loving and wonderful. No wait, they're crazy and borderline abusive.

Why do you keep interfering in everyone's business?

It's a shake up. Sometimes we are supportive and loving, other times we are fighting, toxic,and too close. 

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

I want to be me. 

I want my own life. I call her to confer over lots of things, almost asking her approval. When I do have a differing opinion,my mother gets mad and I just give in. It's easier than fighting. 

I want my own life. I've literally spent whole young life around people my moms age,like my mom. I have young friends too but don't see then that much. Toting along after my mom.

My mother blames me. Claiming that she's always had to make me friends and I am not social. I blame her. 

Too many young adults overshare with their parents. Stop doing it then she has nothing to say. 

[Alex39]

Just now, Seraphim said:

Too many young adults overshare with their parents. Stop doing it then she has nothing to say. 

I'm trying. It's hard to break a lifetime habit and how you were raised. I see how toxic it is, but I always go back in to it. 

I do love my parents. So it's hard. I'm not going to just shun my family. I just wish we could be healthy. 

[Seraphim]

17 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I'm trying. It's hard to break a lifetime habit and how you were raised. I see how toxic it is, but I always go back in to it. 

I do love my parents. So it's hard. I'm not going to just shun my family. I just wish we could be healthy. 

You don’t have to shun your parents or not love them. Being loving IS having boundaries with people . You need some boundaries in your family. 

[mylolita]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Even recently my mom just ruined my mood. I started talking to this new guy online. He seems nice so far. All my mom did was criticize him. I hadn't even met him and was just excited to tell her about what I did know of him. I got off the phone in such a bad mood. 

She literally said that maybe he was lazy and I needed to research him online. I found out he works full time, owns his own home, and so far seems responsible. 

I have a first date with him this week. I'm not even going to tell her. 

Hey Alex!

 

You are 30! Your dating life and sex life in an indirect way are totally private from your parents! I wouldn’t mention any dating or potential guys or anything to either of them. If something becomes serious, then of course, you will want to shout it to the world! Them included! But if it’s a first date, I would reserve the excited talk for friends, keep your judgemental and critical mother out of that part. 
 

I would definitely see her less. 
 

I’m 32, married with 3 kids under 4. I see my parents once a month if that. It’s similar for my in-laws. If I got on with my Mum like a house on fire my door would be swinging like a western saloon back and forth for her but, we don’t - so it’s civil, pleasant. She helps me in her own way. We chat and catch up but it’s low key and we don’t get involved. When she starts complaining about other people, talking nasty or being relentlessly negative, I am straight up with her and say Mum! I don’t want to hear it! Can we not? And she gets the message. You only have to be firm a few times, that normally works for most people to get the message.

 

x

[boltnrun]

Alex...I get that you're trying desperately to get your mother's approval. You want her to say "well done!" or "that's terrific, I'm happy for you!" But after all these years she isn't going to change. Why should she? She has everyone agreeing with her and doing everything she wants them to do. And if someone disobeys all she has to do is scold them and they jump right back in line. What about any of that would she want to "change"?

All you can change is your own actions. Yeah, you can be upset or disappointed. You can even feel guilty. But feelings aren't subpoenas or court orders or commandments. You can act however you choose. I promise, the sky will not fall down if you say "I hear what you're saying, Mom, but I'm going to do this my way." If she rants or scolds, simply say "Yes, I know you disagree and that's OK. But I've already decided what I'm going to do."

And for the love of all, stop excitedly calling her every time a man asks you on a date. Stop that "I want Mom's praise" routine. Just leave your phone on the table. You can, too.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

I want my own life. I call her to confer over lots of things, almost asking her approval.

These two things are mutually exclusive. You need to think for yourself and get out of this cult-like thinking. Cut the apron strings.

[Jaunty]

If you want to improve the way things are going in your life, GET HELP to gain independence, especially emotional independence, from your family.

Working on trying to change everybody, change the whole family dynamic, "helping" with all of the dramatic situations is just solidifying your position in it and keeping you very stuck.

The older we get, the harder it is to change.  Do you want to be like this in your 40's, 50's and beyond?  Even when your parents are gone, you will still be replaying your established role.

[boltnrun]

Also, your desire to "help" your family to "change" sounds a lot like someone you know well lol.

Maybe you and your mom clash because you're too much alike.