He pulled a knife out on me. I am in a abusive relationship, and dont know how to get out

[Snowflower7]

I am new here, but I dont really know where else to get help regarding my situation. (This is long but I tried to include everything I am going through). 

I have been with my bf for about 9 years. We have been living together for 7 years. During this time there were many issues about him that really terrified me. The knife incident happened maybe 4 years ago. We were having a petty argument, and I went into my room to calm down, quietly cry for a few mins and then I lay down to try and get some sleep. Not even 2 minutes later be started trying to bash my door in, and the lock snapped off. He came into my room, and he crawled onto my bed, and took out his pocket knife, and held it over me and pretended to stab me maybe 7 times and then left.

I didnt really sleep much that night. The next day I confronted him about it, and he told me it was my fault he acted like that. He told me to not poke the bear (his words). From that point onward he did this thing where multiple times per day (I mean all day long) he would take out the same pocket knife and smile at me while showing me the blade. If I was scared he would laugh and call me emotional. This went on for 2 years every single day. All day everyday. Showing me the blade and smiling at me. Laughing at my confusion and fear. 

He has raped me (although he doesnt do this now) I am always afraid he will again. He used to penetrate me and it would hurt so bad, and he wouldnt stop even though I kept telling him to stop. He did this all the time. He grab my arms really hard, almost like his fingers felt like they were puncturing my skin, and everything would just always hurt, and he never would stop. This lasted most of our relationship. He also used to grab my hand really hard like a claw, and force me to touch him...if I pulled away he did it harder, and hurt me. 

He constantly degrades me. Saying nobody would want me, that I cant survive without him, that if I move out I would be in poverty without him, he says I am a terrible wife (we arnt married) and as he eats the homecooked meals I make he says I am a b*tch, c*nt, p*s...so on...unprovoked. He is a massive alcoholic. He drinks a lot everday, and I avoid him at all costs when he drinks because he is EXTREMELY hyperactive the moment the beer touches his lips, ...he changes. He is aggressive, angry, hateful to everyone, super human strength...so on. 

He always tries to corner me all the time, blocks me, smothers me. If I go for a walk he will follow me...(not every single time) but he will a lot and tries to herd me back to the house and looks annoyed I want to go outside. He guilt trips me for sleeping, for everything pretty much. Everything that I do is wrong. He says cruel things like my mother doesnt love me, nobody loves me, except him so on...

He is extremely aggressive, and has said things to me that are disturbing. He said he thinks I should get my head cut open with an axe, my head chopped off, my neck slit...so on....all separate occassionals. Once it was when we were camping, the other times, were recent (last 2-3 months). 

Whenever I am even the tiniest bit happy he is miserable. He gets visually annoyed and aggressive if I am in a good mood, but if I get depressed because he is so miserable, he gets this joy in his eyes. Like a kid in a candy store type joy. This is ALL THE TIME. Its his personality. He is never not like this.

The latest thing he told me was, when my aunt lost her home and needed a place for her dog to stay for 2 weeks, and I offered, and he said he would kill her dog, and then told me he thought she didnt deserve a dog and was a terrible human being. He shouted at me...really loudly that I couldnt help her (she was going to a homeless shelter for women....and looking back I think maybe he thought I would go there too.) He threatened me...so on.

He tells me all the time everyone at his work thinks I am a piece of garbage. He also has complete control of the money. Whenever I try to find a job he will FREAK OUT. Literally yell at me, for hours and hours until I give up. I have no money to leave. I tried to sell things online in secret to save some money but he phoned the bank and pretended to be me on the phone, and drained any money I had. He sold all my childhood possessions. All of them, when I begged him not to. 

If I get a birthday card with money in it, he takes it out, before I get the card.

He talks badly about me constantly, he has spit in my face. He tells me I need to serve him and nothing else and I am selfish for wanting to do anything else. He makes me feel guilty for even sleeping. All the time. 

I have nightmares every night of him breaking into my room and my health has gone downhill. I feel sick everyday living here. I think I have ptsd, because I keep feeling terrified all the time and thinking he is going to appear here, when he is at work. I wake up in the night screaming...so on...I feel dread when he pulls up into the driveway. Recently I keep jumping at everything which isnt normal for me. 

I am too scared to leave. He goes through phases where he tries to get better....for a few weeks and then just turns into a monster for months and months and months. He controls my phone, controls everything. Any pictures I take it goes right to him, so he always knows where I am. What Im doing. 

He recently installed cameras around the house so whenever I leave he knows.

I have nowhere to go, so its hard to leave. I am also sick all the time (digestion problems, burning, pain) I think from stress. So I eat from a blender just to survive. I just need some advice really....I feel so tired and so lost. I feel too sick to even try to get to a shelter, my stomach just hurts so bad all the time. Im scared to do anything. 9 years of this, and its at a point where I am scared of him all the time, and never know what to expect. 

Thank you if you read this far.

[isthisaredflag]

Get out now. You do not have to put up with this. Your mental health and life are in danger and you are willing to accept this. Escape NOW. 

[poorlittlefish]

This guy needs to be in jail.  It is not enough just to leave him because someone like this will do the same to others.  His behaviour isn't just abusive, it's criminal (at least it is in my country).  Arrange to go to a friend or family member's house when he is not in and call the police.  Get a restraining order or whatever they're called in your part of the world.  They will be able to put you in touch with victim support groups, women's shelters etc.

[Wiseman2]

Call a domestic violence hotline. Who is sending you cash in the mail? Ask friends and family for help.

There's no reason to live in a prison like this.

Do you work? Have a car? If so you can leave. However you'll need a restraining order against him. 

One day he'll seriously injure you or kill you. That the trajectory of this.

You know this because you've probably googled abusive relationships many times.

Also why are you writing on forums like this when he's monitoring your phone?

Go to a library and use a computer there. Then stop at the police station and get a restraining order.

[Snowflower7]

Wiseman2, my mom sends me birthday money sometimes, but she lives in another country. I dont work or have a car, he doesnt let me. I tried and he just shut it down (yelled at me not to). I do make money sometimes by selling things and he takes it.

I am writing from my computer in my room. I cant write anything on my phone because he controls it. I have my own room which I negotiated with him, but it was just to get away from him.

I am not really mobile due to my health condition. I can walk for maybe 40 mins but am in a lot of pain, so I cant get around easily at all. 

He has an obsession with cops, he calls them almost everyday over pedestrians he sees. He is a frequent caller. He is really charming with other people including the cops. I am scared if I call the cops on him, they will just leave, and then he will get angry at me.  He also is obsessed with documentaries about criminals who got away with what they did. I mean OBSESSED, so he knows how to talk to people to give them what they want to hear. He is obsessed with grey areas, loop holes....so on. He always takes the side of the criminal in these documentaries. 

I am just scared of him. Its hard to leave because I dont have anywhere to go, and if he finds out, that scares me more than anything. My biggest fear is calling authorities and they just leave and the aftermath of that. 

I wish I had family to go to, I really do.

[Jibralta]

13 minutes ago, Snowflower7 said:

He has an obsession with cops, he calls them almost everyday over pedestrians he sees. He is a frequent caller. He is really charming with other people including the cops. I am scared if I call the cops on him, they will just leave, and then he will get angry at me.

If he's calling the cops almost every day, they probably know he has a few screws loose.

Are the cops within walking distance?

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Snowflower7 said:

Its hard to leave because I dont have anywhere to go, and if he finds out.

There are domestic violence shelters for women like you. You'll have to find a way to secretly escape. Ask  your family to stop sending cash. Why are they doing that knowing he opens your mail and steals it? Don't think your computer doesn't have spyware or keyloggers on it. It doesn't matter what shows he watches on Tv.

He's a violent abuser and there are shelters and help for you. They will connect you to the appropriate mental and physical healthcare, job training and opportunities, food stamps etc. and help you. But you need to stop obsessing over what he  watches on TV.

Shelters can inform you on what to do and how to do it, but stop hiding in your room waiting for him to be charming. Do you need immigration papers?  Domestic violence agencies will help you with that as well.

[Batya33]

I would make a plan in advance with a place to go like a shelter - take what you can with you - and contact churches or religious organizations near you for help as well.  I know I give to shelters and religious organizations to help people like you - including just yesterday.  Have that plan in place and leave when he is not at home.  Then if he tries to follow or contact you you can contact the police from a safe place not from your home.  Then it won't matter as much if they do nothing.  If he is calling them all the time they know something is not right with him.

[Lambert]

I would leave everything behind- escape and go to the police. Tell them you were being held against your will and abused.  They can get you to a shelter.  The shelter will have resources to help you.  Contact your mom get back to her. 

I'm so sorry this is happening. Be strong. escape as soon as he leaves for work. 

[SooSad33]

Yes I agree!  You NEED to make a plan to leave and never go back.

Pack a bag of your belongings & all of your necessary ID etc.  Get to a safe place, this man is ruining you 😕 .

Maybe first get to a hospital, they will support you - you need to be looked at and aided. You are not well!  I am sorry you have been stuck in such a nasty situation - then they can reach out to police etc and have him investigated - You need to be honest with them..

Make notes - if you can , hide it all & take it with you... 

They need to know all of this that has gone on for all these years and YOUR fears of him!

I feel so bad for you 😞 ... Can you do this now?  Make a plan of escape?  Do not let on as anything is different...  

Does he work?  Plan to run someday he's not home.. Heck, if need be, leave your phone there, have info necessary from your phone with you... Hospital etc can contact your parents when you are at a safe place - AFTER they have seen you & helped you.  For your own safety and health you do need to be tended to by hospital...

 

[Kwothe28]

OP, if you stay there you would literally die. Its already taking a toll on your health and you barely walk. If you continue like that, he would kill you. Indirectly, but still kill you. And he belongs in jail for what he did. I know that abuse victims are hard to make a move. From fear, from getting attached to their abuser etc. But you need to take this seriously and just get away from there. You need to get to the shelter. They will alarm the police and others for you and take care of you. 

[Seraphim]

Make a plan with a shelter immediately. You can always get new things you can’t replace being alive . 

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Make a plan with a shelter immediately. You can always get new things you can’t replace being alive . 

Also, shelters have the basic necessities like clothing and personal hygiene items.

[JennyJ4408]

I am a little late responding and I hope this gets to you. I understand your situation completely. Though, it wasn’t as extreme as this, I too was in an abusive situation. And anyone who has been in one knows how hard it is to just “get up and leave”. You are literally on edge ALL of the time. Walking on eggshells because you don’t want to say the wrong thing to piss him off. Knowing that he’s monitoring your every move. Feeling like you’re in a literal prison. Yes, I’ve been there. The last few days we were together, I had to put on a fake smile and go along with everything he did and said so that I wouldn’t trigger him. But the whole time I was also developing an escape plan in my mind. He wasn’t tracking my phone though so you’ll have to be creative in figuring out how to reach others. I saw someone suggest a violence hotline. Maybe you could reach out to them and they’ll help get you set up somewhere else. And delete the call from you phone log afterwards? I know it feels like there’s absolutely no way out of this but trust me, there’s always a way! Once again, I hope this finds you. Feel free to message me privately if you’d like to speak further. I’m open to listen and provide any advice. Good luck to you.

[mylolita]

OP,

 

As others have said - your life is in grave danger. Don’t even pack, don’t plan, don’t Google don’t call - get out, run, and never go back, ever!

 

He is trying to make you believe the police wouldn’t help you, that you are alone and small and need him. He is evil and beyond dangerous. Get out before it is too late, I can’t stress this enough.

 

This has to be one of the most worrying threads I have read. I hope desperately you escaped! Don’t even pack a bag!! He might catch you!!!

 

All the best luck please, straight to the police, 

 

x

[justabunchofatoms]

If you have a friend. A good one. Try to move in with him/her for a month or two. He is a narcissist. A person who doesn't feel empathy. He is full of insecurities and bi-polar. You are co-dependent of him and you are having a very hard time leaving him because you think you will be a bad person if you do it. I have been in the same situation. Try to find help. Book a therapist every week. Move for a month with a friend in order to have support. Run from him and block him everywhere. He will never love you. He doesn't loves you. You deserve more and you are not a bad person for not choosing to stay with someone for your entire life. You can be egoistic when it comes about choosing who you want to stay with all your life. There are good people out there!