Boyfriend (22M) did not like my birthday present (21F)

[poorlittlefish]

Gift or not, I hope you got these "naughty" posters and photos back from him.  The last thing you want is for them to end up being shared with strangers in person or over the internet.

In my younger days I had a book of photos made up and they weren't taken by an ex, but a semi-professional photographer who was the father of someone I knew.  I was proud of how good I looked in the photos and showed the book to my now-ex.  His first question was who took the photos and even though it wasn't someone I'd ever been intimate with, he still was really unhappy.  I don't think many guys enjoy the thought of their partner being seen like that by another man, period.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/16/2022 at 1:33 AM, Asico94 said:

 that revolved around me. 

This alone was why is was a poor choice. Add to that bragging about how you and your ex got together for a "naughty" session.

Hopefully the ex takes you back because this guy may dump you for this stunt.

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

guy may dump you for this stunt.

He did dump her. 

[Rose Mosse]

21 hours ago, Asico94 said:

So he broke up with me this morning and said he never wants to see my face again, he was very rude about the whole thing. I tried to be calm and explain but he was very hostile. So I’m single now;(. I should of never mentioned my ex took them. 

I’m sorry to hear this. Hang in there because this will pass. Learn from the experience and let this relationship go. I’m a little concerned with this other comment below. 

 

21 hours ago, Asico94 said:

Did the best I could for him. I’m more mad at myself than sad at the moment. He’s never really liked me dressing sexy like that anyway I should of never thought of it

It suggests you were repressed and unable to express yourself or dress the way you’d like in the relationship. Be cautious about who you date and make sure you’re compatible. Don’t linger in unfulfilling, controlling or demoralizing situations. This is just a hunch but I’m getting the strong feeling you didn’t feel you could express yourself enough in this relationship in the first place.

[Asico94]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This alone was why is was a poor choice. Add to that bragging about how you and your ex got together for a "naughty" session.

Hopefully the ex takes you back because this guy may dump you for this stunt.

I’m not interested in my ex 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Asico94 said:

I’m not interested in my ex 

But you were interested in some way in your boyfriend seeing photos of you your ex took -as his birthday present. So you're interested in getting some sort of reaction or attention to show that another man found you sexy.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Asico94 said:

I’m not interested in my ex 

Maybe not. 

But do you at least now understand why is was completely inappropriate to have your ex take these photos anyway?

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Maybe not. 

But do you at least now understand why is was completely inappropriate to have your ex take these photos anyway?

I think it's fine if he was a photographer and there were safeguards over where they would be disseminated but then she couldn't really share them with any new partner -keeping them for her personal stuff is fine.

[bluecastle]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you were interested in some way in your boyfriend seeing photos of you your ex took -as his birthday present. So you're interested in getting some sort of reaction or attention to show that another man found you sexy.

I don’t think it’s fair to apply this motivation and intention. 

The choice to have the ex take the photos was a poor one, without question, as roughly 90 percent of the population wouldn’t be stoked. Stir in that this particular man had already shown some insecurity, feeling he was dating “out of his league,” and some discomfort with her “sexy” dressing, and you have…well, you have what’s happened. 

Still, it does seem to me that OP sincerely wanted to please her bf and made a naive and questionable choice in doing so. General rule: if you’re going to have exes in your life you need to (a) be ultra careful and considerate in ensuring your new partner is comfortable and (b) avoid any circumstance that in any way could be construed as romantic.

Hopefully that can be a takeaway here, a little window into why many, as they get older, come to see that the minuses of retaining relationships with exes can outweigh the pluses. 

 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

keeping them for her personal stuff is fine.

Sure, but that was not the case here.  They weren't for her personal stuff. 

I don't know many guys who would be happy to receive naughty birthday photos of his girlfriend that were snapped by her ex-boyfriend. That is what I am not sure she's grasping. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Still, it does seem to me that OP sincerely wanted to please her bf and made a naive and questionable choice in doing so. General rule: if you’re going to have exes in your life you need to (a) be ultra careful and considerate in ensuring your new partner is comfortable and (b) avoid any circumstance that in any way could be construed as romantic.

Hopefully that can be a takeaway here, a little window into why many, as they get older, come to see that the minuses of retaining relationships with exes can outweigh the pluses. 

I don't see it that way especially the last paragraph.  I am friendly with exes as is my husband.  My ex boyfriend took a photo of me in a park which my mom has framed in her home.  I mentioned this.  My husband might or might know who took the photo and it really doesn't matter.  Staying in touch with an ex has nothing to do with this situation -she chose to have her ex boyfriend take sexy pictures.  That's not just staying in touch.  Or being friendly.  

She wanted to give him a gift that revolved around her -that is what she wrote. That means she likes being the center of attention on her physical/sexual features.   That's fine in appropriate settings.  She prioritized wanting to give him a gift that revolved around her over his feelings.  I mean isn't a gift usually something that focuses on the other person?  I've given my husband photos as presents -either they include him in the photo or maybe me and our son.  

[Asico94]

I gave him many gifts not just this one. This was just the last one at night which should of lead to intimacy 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

I gave him many gifts not just this one. This was just the last one at night which should of lead to intimacy 

 It didn’t lead to intimacy because you crossed a boundary . 

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

I gave him many gifts not just this one. This was just the last one at night which should of lead to intimacy 

He likely had a difficult time wanting to be intimate with you after he found out your ex had recently seen you in lingerie (and maybe even less...) for an extended period of time.

Again, no need to beat yourself up. You made an error in judgment. It wasn't malicious. But for the future you'll know it's a pretty bad idea to have extremely close, intimate-type interactions with an ex while you're in a committed relationship.

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

I gave him many gifts not just this one. This was just the last one at night which should of lead to intimacy 

I will ask again as you haven't answered this yet: do you understand why having you ex take these pictures was inappropriate and a turn-off? 

[lostandhurt]

On 8/16/2022 at 9:48 AM, Asico94 said:

I should of never mentioned my ex took them. 

I know it doesn't feel like it now but this is actually a good thing.  If he is that untrusting and cannot be understanding that your heart was in the right place then why would you want to be with a guy like that?   His insecurities are showing big time and breaking up a 2 1/2 relationship over this is an overreaction.

 Take some time to get over the shock and please don't blame yourself over this.  He overreacted and let his insecurities control his decisions.

 He will regret breaking up fairly soon but I wouldn't consider taking him back since the same problems will still be there.

  You learned something about yourself, relationships and your new ex bf.  Use that knowledge in your next relationship and you will be fine.

Best wishes

 Lost 

[greendots]

Most of us here agree that gifting your recent boyfriend racy pictures taken by your ex, whilst well intended, was inappropriate. Having said that, I'm baffled that your recent boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with you over that.

Have you guys been doing well otherwise? Did he generally trust you?

[jul-els]

What you did was potentially thoughtful and loving, but going to an ex was where you slipped up. It’s awkward at best and questionable/inappropriate at worst. Telling him where you got them put a match to the fuse, unfortunately. Sorry about that, but it’s a lesson going forward.