Boyfriend (22M) did not like my birthday present (21F)

[Asico94]

So to make a long story short for my boyfriends (22M) birthday present I wanted to get him something n@ughty that revolved around me (21F)Wasn’t the only present but it was one of them. Thought he would really like it and it would spice up our relationship of 2 and a half years. It was posters and a bunch of pictures in me in lingeri$, like something you would see in a magazine. I made it really creative thinking he would love it. The first question when I gave it to him was who took these pics and it was my ex boyfriend from high school whose a really good photographer. I have no feelings for him anymore so I didn’t think it mattered that he was the one who did it. I was just more comfortable with him than a stranger. He hated this when I said it and got upset. He’s insecure about me because he says I’m out of his “league”. So I kind of ruined his birthday even though I tried cheering him up and he’s been acting weird with me the last day. What advice would you give me?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Asico94 said:

 The first question when I gave it to him was who took these pics and it was my ex boyfriend from high school whose a really good photographer. I have no feelings for him anymore so I didn’t think it mattered 

 Why do you need to "spice up" the relationship?  Are you sexually dissatisfied? Was the exbf a better fit sexually?

Unfortunately it was a present for yourself dressed up as a present for him. Add to this the racy session with the exbf.  It was just in bad taste because it was all about you getting attention.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Asico94 said:

So to make a long story short for my boyfriends (22M) birthday present I wanted to get him something n@ughty that revolved around me (21F)Wasn’t the only present but it was one of them. Thought he would really like it and it would spice up our relationship of 2 and a half years. It was posters and a bunch of pictures in me in lingeri$, like something you would see in a magazine. I made it really creative thinking he would love it. The first question when I gave it to him was who took these pics and it was my ex boyfriend from high school whose a really good photographer. I have no feelings for him anymore so I didn’t think it mattered that he was the one who did it. I was just more comfortable with him than a stranger. He hated this when I said it and got upset. He’s insecure about me because he says I’m out of his “league”. So I kind of ruined his birthday even though I tried cheering him up and he’s been acting weird with me the last day. What advice would you give me?

You’re very young and learning the hard way about boundaries and exes. I’m sure the thought came from a good place but the path you took asking an ex boyfriend to take sexy photos of you was inappropriate no matter how much you tell yourself and others that you have no feelings for your ex anymore. 

In future stay away from these gray area and easily misconstrued situations and save yourself the hassle no matter how many enviable skills your exes have. Put the past in the past and move on. Make new contacts.

It’s fine to want to give your partner boudoir photos but next time find a female professional for example. 

This one may or may not be a bridge burnt, as in there’s nothing you can do about it at this point. He may be rethinking your choices as they make him uncomfortable. This has nothing to do with “leagues” and more to do with healthier boundaries going forward.

Just apologize and mention that you see it wasn’t appropriate contacting your ex. If your boyfriend can’t see the good in your thoughts or in your intentions behind the poorly executed gift then he’s also not the man for you. You’re both not compatible at that point and don’t stay hung up over someone who doesn’t appreciate you. 

[Kwothe28]

Yeah "Ex boyfriend took a spicy photos of me" isnt going to bode well with any guy. No matter if the present is in good faith or not. I am sorry, but that is on you. You should have think that through more. Your heart was in the right place and I see that you wanted to do something nice for him. But the execution of that was horrible. I dont think you ruined his birthday, that is too harsh and you maybe just feel that way because he got weird about it. But, you should have thought that through more. He maybe just pouts out at the moment so he maybe gets past this. But next time you should think more about stuff like that. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Asico94 said:

The first question when I gave it to him was who took these pics and it was my ex boyfriend from high school whose a really good photographer. I have no feelings for him anymore so I didn’t think it mattered that he was the one who did it

You learned the hard way that you are wrong about that. 

No guy is going to be okay with his girlfriend's ex taking saucy photos of her. I'm not sure what you were thinking there, as I don't quite buy that anyone would be that oblivious.

Give your boyfriend his space to process his feelings on this. He may or may not wish to continue your relationship after this. Let this be a critical lesson in boundaries and appropriate behaviour in a relationship. 

[smackie9]

 Regardless of no sexual interested between you and your ex...what you did was in poor taste. 

[catfeeder]

I'd ask BF for the advice on what he would like for you to do try to make this better. It's his opinion that matters.

[lostandhurt]

You messed up but it isn't the end of the world.

 I agree you should sit down with him and apologize for not thinking of how having some other guy taking pics of you would make him feel.  Then while you are at it talk about boundaries withing the relationship and what you are comfortable with and what he is comfortable with so in the future these things can be avoided and there are no surprises.

 Being in contact with ex's rarely if ever turns out well no matter who tells you it is okay because they have no feelings for them.  What about your partners feelings?

 You wanted to do something nice for him but the execution was faulty is all.  I would suggest you offer to destroy the poster and ask him if he would like you to have another one made with a professional female studio. The poster will be a reminder of this episode so it is probably best to get rid of it.

  All in all it was a very cool idea and he should be thrilled to have you in his life. Let us know how it turns out.

 Lost

[Batya33]

I agree with the others.  I know you meant well but how awful for your BF to see these photos and know your ex took them -and it's a present for him? I mean my mother has a framed photo of me at a park - very tasteful -in her house.  Taken many years ago by my ex.  I'm not sure if my husband knows he took it but why would I ever mention that to him?

[Cherylyn]

I ageree with smackie9.  Your decision for your version of a different and creative birthday present lacked tact and you made it even worse with your poor judgement regarding choosing your ex-boyfriend as your photographer.  You added insult to injury.   Your boyfriend is appalled. 

Your boyfriend is not insecure about you.  He's sorely disappointed in you because he originally thought higher of you yet you let him down.  He determined that you're out of his league meaning he was hoping you would've possessed more class and discretion. 

If you wish to attempt to salvage your relationship with your boyfriend,  I would humbly apologize in person with a lot of humility in your heart.  I would tell him that you're truly sorry for not exercising better judgement, you've learned from your blunder and ask for his forgiveness.  Tell him,  "I'm sorry . . . "  Tell him that you've learned from your embarrassing mistakes and will try in earnest to be better for him, yourself and your relationship with him.  There are times when you really have to express your sincerity otherwise he will prefer not to take future risks with you.   This is it and he's out.   He'll move on.  I hope for your sake, it's the former and not the latter. You have to make the effort to make amends otherwise this unpleasant memory will linger and fester in him, you and the relationship.  It will not be put to rest until you either resolve this or his trust is irrevocably broken. 

Don't be surprised nor shocked should he prefer to dissolve and exit the relationship.  Be prepared for either scenario.  I hope it works in your favor though.  You shall see. 

You're young.  Regrettable life's experiences will teach you discernment.  Live and learn the hard way which is the best albeit painful way. 

[Asico94]

So he broke up with me this morning and said he never wants to see my face again, he was very rude about the whole thing. I tried to be calm and explain but he was very hostile. So I’m single now;(. I should of never mentioned my ex took them. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Asico94 said:

I should of never mentioned my ex took them. 

No, because that would have been deceitful.

I'm sorry he was angry enough to break up with you. Try to take this as a lesson.

It's ok to feel sad, but you'll be ok in time. 

[Asico94]

Did the best I could for him. I’m more mad at myself than sad at the moment. He’s never really liked me dressing sexy like that anyway I should of never thought of it

[Seraphim]

Birthday presents are about the person receiving the gift and what they would like not what WE think they should like . 
 

I am sorry. 

[Asico94]

It was one of many presents and the last one at night which was supposed to lead to intimacy as I engaged it as he was looking through the pictures but stopped when I said it. I talked to other guy friends I have and they all said they would die for their girlfriend to do that for them 

[Cherylyn]

3 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

It was one of many presents and the last one at night which was supposed to lead to intimacy as I engaged it as he was looking through the pictures but stopped when I said it. I talked to other guy friends I have and they all said they would die for their girlfriend to do that for them 

Other guy friends are not your boyfriend.  Know the difference.  Everyone is different and not grouped together regarding how they think. 

[Cherylyn]

11 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

Did the best I could for him. I’m more mad at myself than sad at the moment. He’s never really liked me dressing sexy like that anyway I should of never thought of it

 Don't beat yourself up over this.  You're young.  Live and learn.

[bluecastle]

So sorry to hear about the breakup. 

While you are likely to find many men who would love saucy photos of their gf as a gift, you will find very few who would enjoy knowing they were taken by an ex, or even a dude. That’s not to say it was wrong of you, but that this is a really good moment, as the smoke clears, to figure out what kind of boundaries you want in a relationship. 

As others have said—and as I can attest from my own life, as someone who has been a bit to “gray” in the realm of exes—it’s often best and easiest to let the past stay in the past.

[smackie9]

Maybe this just goes to show you that you two were actually different/on a different level. Might have been for the best. So sorry for the breakup. 

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

. I talked to other guy friends I have and they all said they would die for their girlfriend to do that for them 

Did you happen to mention your ex took the pictures?  I wonder if you did and if they would be cool with their girlfriend's ex taking lingerie photos of them.

But it's just one of those learning experiences. I don't believe you had bad intentions at all. It just wasn't clearly thought out, that's all.

[HeartGoesOn]

11 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

Did the best I could for him. I’m more mad at myself than sad at the moment. He’s never really liked me dressing sexy like that anyway I should of never thought of it

Ask yourself, how would you feel if the rolls were reversed?  With that being said, I think you missed the major point here.  It's not about "dressing sexy," it's  more about showing him, the respect he deserves, as well as respecting yourself.

Lesson learned?

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, Asico94 said:

I talked to other guy friends I have and they all said they would die for their girlfriend to do that for them 

Not if the ex took those photos, they wouldn't. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with HeartGoesOn.  How would you feel if you received naughty photographs of your boyfriend which were photographed by his ex-girlfriend?  Wouldn't you feel some kind of way? 

In all things in life, remember 'The Golden Rule:'  'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' 

 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, Asico94 said:

So he broke up with me this morning and said he never wants to see my face again, he was very rude about the whole thing. I tried to be calm and explain but he was very hostile. So I’m single now;(. I should of never mentioned my ex took them. 

I'm sorry about the breakup.  Even if you didn't mention your ex-boyfriend photographing your naughty photographs,  it doesn't make the situation any better.   It's not a matter of whether you told him or not.  It's about your inconsiderate decisions.   <====== That's what bothers the boyfriend who decided to breakup with you.  

To your credit, you were honest, NOT sneaky and NOT deceitful which is commendable and that's what you can respect about yourself. 

 

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, Asico94 said:

The first question when I gave it to him was who took these pics and it was my ex boyfriend from high school whose a really good photographer. I have no feelings for him anymore so I didn’t think it mattered that he was the one who did it. I was just more comfortable with him than a stranger. He hated this when I said it and got upset. He’s insecure about me because he says I’m out of his “league”.

- He has admitted it - You ARE out of his league.

Then be done with him!  No begging, chasing, no contact.

Some guy who acts out this way with me, isn't worth my time or energy!

 

1 hour ago, Asico94 said:

So he broke up with me this morning and said he never wants to see my face again, he was very rude about the whole thing. I tried to be calm and explain but he was very hostile. So I’m single now;(. I should of never mentioned my ex took them. 

Wow, sorry about that 😕 

But, now you see how he really is.  To end things over all you gave him ( with good thoughts?).  Then he isn;t worth it! - Right?