A valid long distance concern? Whatsapp last seen

[smackie9]

Stop assuming everything negative about her....that is so unfair to her. Egad the girl needs to have a life outside the relationship...let her have it. Let her go out with her friends if that's what she does decide to do...she doesn't have to report to you about every single move she makes. IMO you are going to ruin a good thing. Cut it out...just go find something to do that will take up some of this time you have been burning on about what she might be doing.

[Luckysmith12]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There are 75.1 million WhatsApp users in the US. It's the most popular messaging app in the US. 

It's unclear who tells you these myths. Even so she could be talking to and meeting anyone anywhere.

You certainly seem "red pilled", because a lot of your relationship is fictional such as believing she's wasting her life away "home like a good girl" just to talk to you on WhatsApp and see you here and there every few months.

How do I think she is wasting her life away? Talking/Video calling your SO in a LDR is expected.

I think you're being quite unfair here now. 

My point about home like a good girl is what every bf would want in his gf. That's a fact. It's not expected but it's also the "dream". 

I haven't had any strong evidential reason not to trust her yet. I'm more feeling untrusting due to circumstances and looking for some kind of resolution in my mind. Even the little things like this can bother me.

You do seem quite mistrusting yourself. 

As far as I can see it there are two kinds of heartbreak which can happen here: 1) we can't actually make it happen in person, life comes between us 2) she finds someone else and ends up with me for any particular reason eg untrusting, not same person she fell in love with... All things which distance can mess with. 

To my mind 1) seems more likely. But I'm in a position where I don't feel like I can walk away from her. 

Last night we had a video call. She tells me things like she feels like I'm her crush. There's many aspects which fill me with confidence here. Plus Thai girls can be truly loyal, a lot more so than Western girls. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

Thai girls can be truly loyal, a lot more so than Western girls. 

Have you ever been to Thailand? You have an inordinate amount of myths.

[Luckysmith12]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Have you ever been to Thailand? You have an inordinate amount of myths.

Yes I have. Have you? There is a difference between girls in Pattaya/ Bangkok and girls from the countryside. She is from the former. I've been on nights out with Thai girls and the ones with bfs have been fiercely loyal, more so than anything I've seen in US culture. 

Look you're straying into stereotypes and cynicism here with this one. 

I could be wrong but she's not a bad girl. Again no evidence so far to the contrary. 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

Yes I have. Have you? There is a difference between girls in Pattaya/ Bangkok and girls from the countryside. She is from the former. I've been on nights out with Thai girls and the ones with bfs have been fiercely loyal, more so than anything I've seen in US culture. 

Look you're straying into stereotypes and cynicism here with this one. 

I could be wrong but she's not a bad girl. Again no evidence so far to the contrary. 

That's right, no evidence (so far) but seems like you're trying to find it?

[Luckysmith12]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

That's right, no evidence (so far) but seems like you're trying to find it?

Exactly. 

The trip will reveal a lot so I guess it comes at the right moment. 

I tested her on video call last night saying let's just focus on being happy in the present moment in NYC and not think about the future. She questioned why I said that, thinking I just wanted to avoid fighting about things, but said its important to talk about our future. 

The fact is we are apart. She has 1 1/2 years on her visa in the US left. Something has to give. 

The idea of making her upend her life to come be with me is the only one that comes to mind in making this work long term. I just get plagued with anxiety with LDR and never did it before. She's just someone I didn't want to let go off for a second time. 

I want to know if she shares the same commitment as me. I want to know that she should be avoiding late night stuff single girls do. I want to know if when she's drunk on the occasion she won't cheat. 

I thought love would be enough. But really trust is proving to be the most important thing I'm looking for. I'm not sure how I can even bring any of this up with her, in a subtle way? 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I tested her on video call last night saying let's just focus on being happy in the present moment in NYC and not think about the future.

Why would you need to test someone you claim to love so much and have such a history with?

[Luckysmith12]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you need to test someone you claim to love so much and have such a history with?

Because I think like Wiseman sometimes. 

She means a lot to me. I just want it to work out and for it to be pure. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Luckysmith12 said:

Because I think like Wiseman sometimes. 

She means a lot to me. I just want it to work out and for it to be pure. 

It doesn't sound like she means a lot to you when you are treating her in this manipulative untrusting way.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I've been on nights out with Thai girls and the ones with bfs have been fiercely loyal, more so than anything I've seen in US culture. 

Meaning have you visited her in her hometown and met any of her people? Not as a tourist. Has she visited you or met any of your people? It seems strange to have these rendezvous here and there.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I tested her on video call last night saying let's just focus on being happy in the present moment in NYC and not think about the future

Why would you do this?

"Testing" has no place in a healthy relationship. 

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I want to know if she shares the same commitment as me. I want to know that she should be avoiding late night stuff single girls do. I want to know if when she's drunk on the occasion she won't cheat. 

I thought love would be enough. But really trust is proving to be the most important thing I'm looking for. I'm not sure how I can even bring any of this up with her, in a subtle way? 

 

All you can do is step back and observe and get to know one another. If her stories don’t add up eventually you will know. 

You seem to want all the answers now right away because you’ve overinvested in this. There’s no way to rush trust and building that in a relationship. 

[Andrina]

I really don't know what you'll learn about her on 9 day vacations. Except for maybe if something happened like if her phone was constantly pinging and she's nervous about you seeing who is communicating with her.

The reality is that you will only find out if you two were compatible and meet all each others major needs could only happen if you two were living in proximity to each other and could meet up at least a few times per week. Only then could you see if that when you were more a presence in her life, if she would no longer be interested in weekly girls nights out.

It's unrealistic to think she would stop that now, though.

I know that once I met my future husband, my activities changed on how I wanted to spend time with friends. 

Be local to one another, you would also be able to gauge if she would take care of you when you were sick, if she puts as much effort into the relationship as you, if she's capable of monogamy, if she contributes her fair share of bills, and if you truly enjoy each others company.

For now, you could ask her how she would envision a life with you if you two closed the distance and became serious. Since you have strong feelings about no girls nights out when that happens, you should really find out now if she is in agreeable with that relationship boundary. Otherwise, if not, you will be wasting a lot of money on expensive relationships and moving 9 hours away for something that's not going to work out.

If you want to move to Canada for the career experience, see it as that, and have a wait-and-see attitude with the relationship. If the romance doesn't work, you will still have the work experience you've always wanted to have. 

You should also discuss where each of you are willing to live permanently, as that's a must-have for compatibility. Again, if these important discussions are shoved under the rug, that's an awful lot of money and time you're investing into a risky relationship.

Just know that sometimes it's best to think "What you see is what you get." If you don't want a party girl, you should date someone who has hobbies that don't involve clubbing. If you have to ask someone to change for you to be happy, it means she's not the right person for you. If her posse lives for those nights, good luck in her easily leaving that lifestyle.

[Kbtoys]

Relationship could work, but a long shot.  As others have asked, have you met any of her family, friends, relatives?  Do they know both of your intentions or is it just a romantic fling?  Also Northern Thailand, Issan or Chiang Mai?  I recall most from northern Thailand are relatively poor farmers and being able to afford flights to international destinations would be difficult.  Does she have good employment or is she from an wealthy Thai family?  They are some of the nicest people I’ve met in the world, but hard to imagine her putting in all of this effort with little to no interest in what you do for a living or what you can provide for her other than a local Thai that has a decent job and family connections.  Good luck to you and hope it works out.

[Spawn]

whatever you are doing with WhatsApp, last seen feature, setting it to nobody and then to making it visible again being so aware about all the timings etc all amounts to manipulation. Seek a therapist, it has already crossed some lines here. You are way too much obsessed and really showing signs of unhealthy patterns of engagement.

[Luckysmith12]

Well we had our trip to NYC and it was incredible. Hand in hand, inseparable the whole time. Talked about future, proposal, family together, we even video called each others parents. It was best trip I've ever had. I trusted everything. I loved her with everything. And I felt it right back. 

However, we are both back to reality now and its been 5 days. I have found it hard. Her too. 

Doubts:

During the trip I had one moment/evening of doubt where I asked her why she wanted to go to club but also why her phone was set to do not disturb. She looked me straight in the eye and gave me the best answer, about how I'm the only guy she can think about, how she just wants to go out with me and dance. Her phone was on silent so that she could just give every moment to the trip and not be distracted. I believed it all. I trusted her reaction.

But on one other night (before this actually) she fell asleep and I had her phone. I could see the do not disturb notifications coming through for some numbers coming through and a named contact. I wrote down the 2 numbers and the named contact on my phone. I kinda did some research/detective work at the time but was happy enough nothing was off. I didn't go into it too much. We had the trip and through it was just some random numbers. 

Now we are 5 days back from trip and apart, I decide to do some investigation into the numbers some more because I can't leave it. It turns out google is quite adept at giving the info. I found that one of the numbers belonged to a guy from Denver, the other to a guy in San Francisco (both reasonably good looking chaps). The other named contact I googled and found a guy in Denver with a listed number (almost definitely him). I took it down and low and behold see a whatsapp picture of another attractive guy. 

Long story short but last night I decided to address this all with her on the phone. It turns out the named contact is a guy she was dating. She told me he keeps sending her messages etc. The other two contacts I just mention that I know they are guys saying I saw their names on her phone on the notification. I have no idea what to feel or do and how to communicate to her again what I expect and what is right. I'm lost. It was literally 5 days ago that we were talking about proposal and her saying it would be the easiest yes ever. We have talked about moving to Canada together about having a family together, about it all. 

I can't accept that she had notifications for at least 3 guys on her phone messaging her. There is absolutely no reason for it. I don't understand why 2 of them were not saved numbers (hiding something?) and if the reason for the do not disturb was truthful. I told her to block to "ex" who keeps texting her. But I'm lost here now. 

Does anyone have any perspective here?

Additional considerations: it really is special what we have (I'm not a fool on this front), the plans for the future life is all real, I am her boyfriend. I'm also the best she's ever had and I believe that too. 

Thanks for all the previous comments guys as well, I know I choose to believe in the most optimistic ones but its for good reason. The thought of losing her (because I don't have that many people that close to me in my life) could be very detrimental to my mental health. 

[Wiseman2]

She's got a guy in every port it seems so she can travel. Don't be another fool in her ship of fools. 

[Luckysmith12]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's got a guy in every port it seems so she can travel. Don't be another fool in her ship of fools. 

Really? It's that bad huh? How can it be so duplicitous though? The feelings were/are real. I am her bf and she has it on social media. 

Is it really possible that there is nothing in those messages from those numbers? I'm looking for the brightside here. I can't lose this you know. 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

Really? It's that bad huh? How can it be so duplicitous though? The feelings were/are real. I am her bf and she has it on social media. 

 

You are in the LDR. You dont know her that much. For example, she  telling you how "do not disturb" means how she wants to spend time better with you and dance, is a BS statement by itself and there to throw you away. You know  why she is on "do not disturb". Just wont admit that.

With number of exes and other guys popping up, dont make further commitments there. You dont need to play detective to see some stuff dont add up and that she is not genuine.

[Luckysmith12]

It's hard not thinking about self deletion thoughts. She's become too close, too much like a best friend as well. I don't know what to do but trust her and ask her when she's sober what is going on. 

[Luckysmith12]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are in the LDR. You dont know her that much. For example, she  telling you how "do not disturb" means how she wants to spend time better with you and dance, is a BS statement by itself and there to throw you away. You know  why she is on "do not disturb". Just wont admit that.

With number of exes and other guys popping up, dont make further commitments there. You dont need to play detective to see some stuff dont add up and that she is not genuine.

I'm not sure but with the notifications that came though, the do not disturb looks more than multi-dimensional in its use. Our time was short in NYC. I'm just not really able to accept losing her. But I'm seriously affected by these things and have standards when it comes to behaviour in relationships. It just hurts so much to see a kind of imagined perfection slipping ...

[Batya33]

My husband and I broke up and got back together 7 plus years later -we'd been engaged that first time around.  In between we each had serious relationships and each kept in touch with exes for a variety of reasons.  When we got back together we were long distance for a large amount of time during the 3 years prior to getting married and having our son.

In 2005 when we got back together he had a cell phone and a laptop and I had a laptop.  I got a cell phone in 2009 and we got smartphones in 2015. 

Guess how many times I've checked his phone? Zero. Guess how many he's checked mine -zero.  Same with all our personal devices -obviously not counting walking by and seeing a notification on his laptop of a work email -then I tell him he has a work email, etc. 

Why? Because we trust each other -always have.  No cheating or inappropriate behavior.  And yes we've stayed in touch with exes on and off.  Trust completely. 

Why would you ever settle for less- hope you have some strong stomach/headache meds with all the sleuthing and ruminating you do.  It's not worth it. 

Yes I think she dates others. Yes I think it's bizarrely ridiculous to put her phone on do not disturb to prove to you you have her undivided attention.  You know how I give my husband my undivided attention?  If my phone is out and he speaks to me and it's more than "where's that left over cauliflower" I put the phone down, look away from it and look at him.  And listen to him.  Then he knows he has my attention.  He doesn't need me to prove it. 

Please stop settling for this fantasy-based nonsense.  

[bluecastle]

Since you strike me as a fantasy-oriented, craving the gloss and glitter of perfection over the patina of reality, let me ask:

Is your fantasy of a “perfect” relationship one where you are doubling as a private investigator, running phone numbers through the web as the adrenaline surges, performing anxiety-fueled amateur background checks on men who are not you, and thinking obsessively about all the evidence tacked up on the metaphorical corkboard, linked together by yarn and thumbtacks?

Because that is the relationship you are in right now, have been in for a while, and who you are at this moment in time. Put her aside for a moment, if you can muster that, and look in the mirror. Are you growing into the person you want to be, or not? 

I ask because that’s always been my personal gauge of how well a relationship is working, far more than great sex, hand-holding strolls, and whatnot. Love all that, too, don’t get me wrong, and am familiar with the intoxicant of whiplash it can supply. But it’s really not all that rare, and loses a lot of its value, in my opinion, if the price of admission is the feeling of psychic and spiritual corrosion that jumps through in your posts.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

It just hurts so much to see a kind of imagined perfection slipping ...

Exactly - the image you have of her in your head (and who you so badly want her to be) isn't real. 

You have sold yourself a fantasy but you're learning the hard way that it really was just a fantasy. 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/29/2022 at 9:07 AM, Luckysmith12 said:

I then see that she has seen my message at 12.30am her time and also that her last seen is set to nobody can view it on whatsapp, rather than her normal last seen.