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A valid long distance concern? Whatsapp last seen


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Stop assuming everything negative about her....that is so unfair to her. Egad the girl needs to have a life outside the relationship...let her have it. Let her go out with her friends if that's what she does decide to do...she doesn't have to report to you about every single move she makes. IMO you are going to ruin a good thing. Cut it out...just go find something to do that will take up some of this time you have been burning on about what she might be doing.

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There are 75.1 million WhatsApp users in the US. It's the most popular messaging app in the US. 

It's unclear who tells you these myths. Even so she could be talking to and meeting anyone anywhere.

You certainly seem "red pilled", because a lot of your relationship is fictional such as believing she's wasting her life away "home like a good girl" just to talk to you on WhatsApp and see you here and there every few months.

How do I think she is wasting her life away? Talking/Video calling your SO in a LDR is expected.

I think you're being quite unfair here now. 

My point about home like a good girl is what every bf would want in his gf. That's a fact. It's not expected but it's also the "dream". 

I haven't had any strong evidential reason not to trust her yet. I'm more feeling untrusting due to circumstances and looking for some kind of resolution in my mind. Even the little things like this can bother me.

You do seem quite mistrusting yourself. 

As far as I can see it there are two kinds of heartbreak which can happen here: 1) we can't actually make it happen in person, life comes between us 2) she finds someone else and ends up with me for any particular reason eg untrusting, not same person she fell in love with... All things which distance can mess with. 

To my mind 1) seems more likely. But I'm in a position where I don't feel like I can walk away from her. 

Last night we had a video call. She tells me things like she feels like I'm her crush. There's many aspects which fill me with confidence here. Plus Thai girls can be truly loyal, a lot more so than Western girls. 

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Have you ever been to Thailand? You have an inordinate amount of myths.

Yes I have. Have you? There is a difference between girls in Pattaya/ Bangkok and girls from the countryside. She is from the former. I've been on nights out with Thai girls and the ones with bfs have been fiercely loyal, more so than anything I've seen in US culture. 

Look you're straying into stereotypes and cynicism here with this one. 

I could be wrong but she's not a bad girl. Again no evidence so far to the contrary. 

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7 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

Yes I have. Have you? There is a difference between girls in Pattaya/ Bangkok and girls from the countryside. She is from the former. I've been on nights out with Thai girls and the ones with bfs have been fiercely loyal, more so than anything I've seen in US culture. 

Look you're straying into stereotypes and cynicism here with this one. 

I could be wrong but she's not a bad girl. Again no evidence so far to the contrary. 

That's right, no evidence (so far) but seems like you're trying to find it?

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2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

That's right, no evidence (so far) but seems like you're trying to find it?

Exactly. 

The trip will reveal a lot so I guess it comes at the right moment. 

I tested her on video call last night saying let's just focus on being happy in the present moment in NYC and not think about the future. She questioned why I said that, thinking I just wanted to avoid fighting about things, but said its important to talk about our future. 

The fact is we are apart. She has 1 1/2 years on her visa in the US left. Something has to give. 

The idea of making her upend her life to come be with me is the only one that comes to mind in making this work long term. I just get plagued with anxiety with LDR and never did it before. She's just someone I didn't want to let go off for a second time. 

I want to know if she shares the same commitment as me. I want to know that she should be avoiding late night stuff single girls do. I want to know if when she's drunk on the occasion she won't cheat. 

I thought love would be enough. But really trust is proving to be the most important thing I'm looking for. I'm not sure how I can even bring any of this up with her, in a subtle way? 

 

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3 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I tested her on video call last night saying let's just focus on being happy in the present moment in NYC and not think about the future.

Why would you need to test someone you claim to love so much and have such a history with?

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you need to test someone you claim to love so much and have such a history with?

Because I think like Wiseman sometimes. 

She means a lot to me. I just want it to work out and for it to be pure. 

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1 minute ago, Luckysmith12 said:

Because I think like Wiseman sometimes. 

She means a lot to me. I just want it to work out and for it to be pure. 

It doesn't sound like she means a lot to you when you are treating her in this manipulative untrusting way.

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3 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I've been on nights out with Thai girls and the ones with bfs have been fiercely loyal, more so than anything I've seen in US culture. 

Meaning have you visited her in her hometown and met any of her people? Not as a tourist. Has she visited you or met any of your people? It seems strange to have these rendezvous here and there.

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3 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I tested her on video call last night saying let's just focus on being happy in the present moment in NYC and not think about the future

Why would you do this?

"Testing" has no place in a healthy relationship. 

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4 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I want to know if she shares the same commitment as me. I want to know that she should be avoiding late night stuff single girls do. I want to know if when she's drunk on the occasion she won't cheat. 

I thought love would be enough. But really trust is proving to be the most important thing I'm looking for. I'm not sure how I can even bring any of this up with her, in a subtle way? 

 

All you can do is step back and observe and get to know one another. If her stories don’t add up eventually you will know. 

You seem to want all the answers now right away because you’ve overinvested in this. There’s no way to rush trust and building that in a relationship. 

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I really don't know what you'll learn about her on 9 day vacations. Except for maybe if something happened like if her phone was constantly pinging and she's nervous about you seeing who is communicating with her.

The reality is that you will only find out if you two were compatible and meet all each others major needs could only happen if you two were living in proximity to each other and could meet up at least a few times per week. Only then could you see if that when you were more a presence in her life, if she would no longer be interested in weekly girls nights out.

It's unrealistic to think she would stop that now, though.

I know that once I met my future husband, my activities changed on how I wanted to spend time with friends. 

Be local to one another, you would also be able to gauge if she would take care of you when you were sick, if she puts as much effort into the relationship as you, if she's capable of monogamy, if she contributes her fair share of bills, and if you truly enjoy each others company.

For now, you could ask her how she would envision a life with you if you two closed the distance and became serious. Since you have strong feelings about no girls nights out when that happens, you should really find out now if she is in agreeable with that relationship boundary. Otherwise, if not, you will be wasting a lot of money on expensive relationships and moving 9 hours away for something that's not going to work out.

If you want to move to Canada for the career experience, see it as that, and have a wait-and-see attitude with the relationship. If the romance doesn't work, you will still have the work experience you've always wanted to have. 

You should also discuss where each of you are willing to live permanently, as that's a must-have for compatibility. Again, if these important discussions are shoved under the rug, that's an awful lot of money and time you're investing into a risky relationship.

Just know that sometimes it's best to think "What you see is what you get." If you don't want a party girl, you should date someone who has hobbies that don't involve clubbing. If you have to ask someone to change for you to be happy, it means she's not the right person for you. If her posse lives for those nights, good luck in her easily leaving that lifestyle.

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Relationship could work, but a long shot.  As others have asked, have you met any of her family, friends, relatives?  Do they know both of your intentions or is it just a romantic fling?  Also Northern Thailand, Issan or Chiang Mai?  I recall most from northern Thailand are relatively poor farmers and being able to afford flights to international destinations would be difficult.  Does she have good employment or is she from an wealthy Thai family?  They are some of the nicest people I’ve met in the world, but hard to imagine her putting in all of this effort with little to no interest in what you do for a living or what you can provide for her other than a local Thai that has a decent job and family connections.  Good luck to you and hope it works out.

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whatever you are doing with WhatsApp, last seen feature, setting it to nobody and then to making it visible again being so aware about all the timings etc all amounts to manipulation. Seek a therapist, it has already crossed some lines here. You are way too much obsessed and really showing signs of unhealthy patterns of engagement.

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