A valid long distance concern? Whatsapp last seen

[Luckysmith12]

Background: she's Thai and 7 hours behind me. I'm in Europe. Been together 2 months now (been really close for 7 months, just made it official 2 months ago), now seeing each other in 10 days in NYC for second trip together since 5 months ago.

So been few small fights and she's currently experiencing PMS and few days before her period. But had calls past few nights to make things up. Always tell each other we love each other, connection is there etc. She always talks about forever together, but has been bit disrespectful in what she said recently.

We normally talk on whatsapp for hour at night most nights. She doesn't really use whatsapp for everything else but talking to me. It's not really used in the USA as far as I know?

Last night I texted her saying I would call her at 10pm her time (she received it at 3pm her time). She replied saying "wanna call right now?"... I then fell asleep. Then at 9.30 her time she texts me saying "I crashing hard now, so tired, gnight babe, love u".. I texted back "night babe, love you".

I then see that she has seen my message at 12.30am her time and also that her last seen is set to nobody can view it on whatsapp, rather than her normal last seen.

Am I right to be concerned? Did she go out last night and try and hide it? It's first time that I have seen her last seen change.

FYI my last seen is always set to nobody can view it, but sometimes I will change it to last seen just to check on someone.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

she's Thai and I'm in Europe. seeing each other in 10 days in NYC for second trip together since 5 months ago.

See what happens when you meet in NY. What is your end goal? Do you plan to move to each other eventually?

[Luckysmith12]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

See what happens when you meet in NY. What is your end goal? Do you plan to move to each other eventually?

Yes that's the goal.. I will move to canada and she's close to border so will try position ourselves for that next year or two.

I struggle with trust and these things don't help my position. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think its valid just based on her seeing message later. It could be something like maybe her waking up later and checking. Its not something you should obsess over it. 

However you are long distance so nothing should really surprise me there. Including her lying to go out or even having another guy over. So, be careful there. 

[Luckysmith12]

18 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think its valid just based on her seeing message later. It could be something like maybe her waking up later and checking. Its not something you should obsess over it. 

However you are long distance so nothing should really surprise me there. Including her lying to go out or even having another guy over. So, be careful there. 

Also wondering about the last seen.

[Rose Mosse]

This comes with the territory, OP. Because it's LDR you're hypervigilant of every message and tied to every status or change in what's going on via texts. Have you been in a relationship before?

What did she say recently that was disrespectful to you?

You had mentioned having trust issues so how does this factor into LDRs in general? Do you think that it's a good choice to be involved in one? Would either of you be closing that distance or moving?

Regarding the last seen status, she may be realizing you're checking her details too much and watching her. If she's been disrespectful according to you she may be realizing also that you're not what she wants in a partner and resentful of the fact that you are quite watchful of everything she does. Or, her charade or mask is coming off.

Considering you haven't known one another long and have only met once, to be meeting for a second time soon, where do you see this going? It would not be unusual for her to be looking for a foreigner. Are you paying for her flight to NYC? I am asking to get more context on your relationship.

Edited July 29 by Rose Mosse

[reinventmyself]

If an LDR causes you to be this hypervigilant, jumping to conclusions that cryptic things may be going on over a read/not read indicator such as this, maybe it's not the relationship for you.   

Would you have felt the same way dating the girl next door?

[Luckysmith12]

49 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This comes with the territory, OP. Because it's LDR you're hypervigilant of every message and tied to every status or change in what's going on via texts. Have you been in a relationship before?

What did she say recently that was disrespectful to you?

You had mentioned having trust issues so how does this factor into LDRs in general? Do you think that it's a good choice to be involved in one? Would either of you be closing that distance or moving?

Regarding the last seen status, she may be realizing you're checking her details too much and watching her. If she's been disrespectful according to you she may be realizing also that you're not what she wants in a partner and resentful of the fact that you are quite watchful of everything she does. Or, her charade or mask is coming off.

Considering you haven't known one another long and have only met once, to be meeting for a second time soon, where do you see this going? It would not be unusual for her to be looking for a foreigner. Are you paying for her flight to NYC? I am asking to get more context on your relationship.

Yes I've been in relationships before. 

We had a call two nights ago where I changed my last seen to everybody and then she called me, it's possible that she saw that it was changed then. It wasn't to check up on her, but for work. I am loyal but just have mine set to nobody last seen. 

We have met on more than one occassion, there's been amazing times together. Known her from 3 years ago.. this is like best sex of life, she thinks I'm hot, says love you etc. This isn't something else you might think about.. 

Not paying for her flight lol. 

The plan would be to see her again at xmas time after and then plan something more permanent next year. 

[Luckysmith12]

I'm just concerned here that she went out or something and instead chose to hide it from me and was dishonest. 

[Batya33]

How much time total have you spent in person and was it all on a vacation?

[Andrina]

How old are you two? Why have you entered into the hardest, most expensive sort of dating where you will be uprooting your life for an extreme unknown?

[Luckysmith12]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

How much time total have you spent in person and was it all on a vacation?

3 years ago spent few days... then last xmas spent few night...then had trip to US for 9 days and spent 24/7 together. Have felt strong connection together and love. So made it official so that it could make the future more know i.e. could make trips together and think about the future. 

[Luckysmith12]

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How old are you two? Why have you entered into the hardest, most expensive sort of dating where you will be uprooting your life for an extreme unknown?

27 and 30..(me)

[Andrina]

What kind of VISA are you using to be able to live in Canada? Is she a U.S. citizen? Have you ever given her money for anything?

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Luckysmith12 said:

Yes I've been in relationships before. 

We had a call two nights ago where I changed my last seen to everybody and then she called me, it's possible that she saw that it was changed then. It wasn't to check up on her, but for work. I am loyal but just have mine set to nobody last seen. 

We have met on more than one occassion, there's been amazing times together. Known her from 3 years ago.. this is like best sex of life, she thinks I'm hot, says love you etc. This isn't something else you might think about.. 

Not paying for her flight lol. 

The plan would be to see her again at xmas time after and then plan something more permanent next year. 

 

1 hour ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I'm just concerned here that she went out or something and instead chose to hide it from me and was dishonest. 

I'm not sure if you see the contradictions in what you're writing. She says she loves you and yet you're concerned about her hiding something from you. You're head over heels and yet you can't even trust her to be where she says she is. Love doesn't work this way. Sex may be hot but both of you may not know each other well enough to trust one another. 

If you choose to pursue this, let go a bit more and don't get so attached. So what if she went out and didn't tell you? Why isn't she allowed to go out on the spur of the moment or why does she have to tell you everything about where she goes or what she does? Do you fear being cheated on?? Because that's an entirely different subject. 

Take it easy and don't get too worried this early. Until you can close that gap and date like a regular couple I wouldn't treat this as a relationship. There's some chemistry there but it's not worth the stress and hassle tracking someone's every move if you can't trust them in the first place.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Luckysmith12 said:

I'm just concerned here that she went out or something and instead chose to hide it from me and was dishonest. 

We don't have any idea either, OP. 

You don't trust her much though, if you believe she is capable of this. I think that is to be expected when you haven't actually spent that much time together in person. Be careful not to get too far aheads of yourselves with all of this. 

You are still learning about each other. 

[Luckysmith12]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

I'm not sure if you see the contradictions in what you're writing. She says she loves you and yet you're concerned about her hiding something from you. You're head over heels and yet you can't even trust her to be where she says she is. Love doesn't work this way. Sex may be hot but both of you may not know each other well enough to trust one another. 

If you choose to pursue this, let go a bit more and don't get so attached. So what if she went out and didn't tell you? Why isn't she allowed to go out on the spur of the moment or why does she have to tell you everything about where she goes or what she does? Do you fear being cheated on?? Because that's an entirely different subject. 

Take it easy and don't get too worried this early. Until you can close that gap and date like a regular couple I wouldn't treat this as a relationship. There's some chemistry there but it's not worth the stress and hassle tracking someone's every move if you can't trust them in the first place.

 

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

I'm not sure if you see the contradictions in what you're writing. She says she loves you and yet you're concerned about her hiding something from you. You're head over heels and yet you can't even trust her to be where she says she is. Love doesn't work this way. Sex may be hot but both of you may not know each other well enough to trust one another. 

If you choose to pursue this, let go a bit more and don't get so attached. So what if she went out and didn't tell you? Why isn't she allowed to go out on the spur of the moment or why does she have to tell you everything about where she goes or what she does? Do you fear being cheated on?? Because that's an entirely different subject. 

Take it easy and don't get too worried this early. Until you can close that gap and date like a regular couple I wouldn't treat this as a relationship. There's some chemistry there but it's not worth the stress and hassle tracking someone's every move if you can't trust them in the first place.

I see the contradiction. To love is to trust, I really get that. But it still doesn't mean we both haven't felt love very strongly for each other. I just doubt because Im a what you would call red-pilled man. 

To love is to get attached, there is a contradiction in what you write. It's about honesty, I just don't know she would change to unseen and this sort of change in behaviour before the trip. She did mention having a hard time with her host family (au pair) and I wasn't as lets say supportive as I could have been ( I thought about things from my perspective and us being together, rather than her wanting to move from her current host family). I fear being cheated on. I told her on a recent phonecall the only things that are important to me is kindness and loyalty in a gf. 

I asked her to be my gf and so it's an LDR. I agree it has had a deleterious effect on my mental health throughout these past 7 months, but I don't think I have any been happier. I've never had a higher high than in Thailand and LA with her. 

I really don't know what to do. 

[Luckysmith12]

59 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

We don't have any idea either, OP. 

You don't trust her much though, if you believe she is capable of this. I think that is to be expected when you haven't actually spent that much time together in person. Be careful not to get too far aheads of yourselves with all of this. 

You are still learning about each other. 

"Be careful not to get too far aheads of yourselves with all of this.." when you both tell each other you love each other every day and the connection together is very strong, I don't see how that is possible. 

[Rose Mosse]

17 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

 

I see the contradiction. To love is to trust, I really get that. But it still doesn't mean we both haven't felt love very strongly for each other. I just doubt because Im a what you would call red-pilled man. 

To love is to get attached, there is a contradiction in what you write. It's about honesty, I just don't know she would change to unseen and this sort of change in behaviour before the trip. She did mention having a hard time with her host family (au pair) and I wasn't as lets say supportive as I could have been ( I thought about things from my perspective and us being together, rather than her wanting to move from her current host family). I fear being cheated on. I told her on a recent phonecall the only things that are important to me is kindness and loyalty in a gf. 

I asked her to be my gf and so it's an LDR. I agree it has had a deleterious effect on my mental health throughout these past 7 months, but I don't think I have any been happier. I've never had a higher high than in Thailand and LA with her. 

I really don't know what to do. 

You may have to work on that fear of being cheated on because it's coming across as controlling and anxious to your detriment. If she hasn't already seen that part of you it's only a matter of time and it won't be hidden or concealed for long. No one wants to keep making up for someone who is scared of something else or insecure when it has nothing to do with them. 

No, I did not contradict myself in what I wrote as I suggested this is not love and to detach yourself. It's an unhealthy attachment but it's not love, imo. Not the kind that I am thinking of. Regardless if you think that you are in love and attached, and you have decided that this is a relationship, then you'll also have to come to terms on whether you trust her. Love without trust is damaging and you are just hurting yourself. 

It's up to you if you want to live this way with your anxious thoughts and hurting yourself with these conditions and a situation you've set yourself up with. You're not a hapless being trapped. This was designed by you and instigated or proposed by you so take accountability of your mental health and figure out something that works better.

Edited July 29 by Rose Mosse

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

"Be careful not to get too far aheads of yourselves with all of this.." when you both tell each other you love each other every day and the connection together is very strong, I don't see how that is possible. 

It's possible by thinking more logically about the situation rather than letting emotions and fantasy take over. Saying "I love you" every day cannot replace extended time together, going through daily life side-by-side. 

You two haven't spent a lot of time together in each other's company, relatively speaking. There is a reason you feel mistrusting, and it's because you don't actually have a clear idea of who she truly is in her day-to-day life and what she gets up to when you're not around. You don't really know yet if you can trust her, so your anxiety is spiking when you don't understand her actions and you're seeing things through a suspicious filter. 

When you know someone on a core level, you won't be so worried about the little things like a changed What's App status. But because you don't have enough practical experience with her, your mind fills in the blanks with speculation and fear. 

 

Edited July 29 by MissCanuck

[Luckysmith12]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You may have to work on that fear of being cheated on because it's coming across as controlling and anxious to your detriment. If she hasn't already seen that part of you it's only a matter of time and it won't be hidden or concealed for long. No one wants to keep making up for someone who is scared of something else or insecure when it has nothing to do with them. 

No, I did not contradict myself in what I wrote as I suggested this is not love and to detach yourself. It's an unhealthy attachment but it's not love, imo. Not the kind that I am thinking of. Regardless if you think that you are in love and attached, and you have decided that this is a relationship, then you'll also have to come to terms on whether you trust her. Love without trust is damaging and you are just hurting yourself. 

It's up to you if you want to live this way with your anxious thoughts and hurting yourself with these conditions and a situation you've set yourself up with. You're not a hapless being trapped. This was designed by you and instigated or proposed by you so take accountability of your mental health and figure out something that works better.

Thank you for your input. 

I understand your point about love, but I don't know if it is pure or not.

To put it into perspective, this should be the happiest of days as we count down to seeing each other in NYC. But alas, today I have not been able to check my whatsapp after lunch to see if she has sent a message or not. If she has not sent anything, I would be deeply upset. 

As a person, I can feel the deepest of lows and the highest of highs. Very capable of finding and creating love but I have the flip side. Honestly, I know a lot of this is concerning but it's just very hard when you love someone like this and fear the loss too much. 

[Rose Mosse]

2 minutes ago, Luckysmith12 said:

deepest of lows and the highest of highs

Yes, infatuation and limerence can cause these, along with very unhealthy attachments to people whom a person hasn't known for long or can't trust. You may be attracted to high highs and low lows of toxic relationships or are dysfunctional also but not know it. If you value this type of relationship, I have nothing else to add. I disagree that this is healthy or part of a healthy relationship.

Take a step back and let it unfold naturally. If you're doing LDR wait until you're together in person before putting too much weight in the relationship. If she's dishonest as a person you'll find out soon enough. And if you're tired of this set up, let each other go so you're not living miserably.

[Luckysmith12]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, infatuation and limerence can cause these, along with very unhealthy attachments to people whom a person hasn't known for long or can't trust. You may be attracted to high highs and low lows of toxic relationships or are dysfunctional also but not know it. If you value this type of relationship, I have nothing else to add. I disagree that this is healthy or part of a healthy relationship.

Take a step back and let it unfold naturally. If you're doing LDR wait until you're together in person before putting too much weight in the relationship. If she's dishonest as a person you'll find out soon enough. And if you're tired of this set up, let each other go so you're not living miserably.

Her response today on whatsapp

Her: "morning babe".  -10am

        "how's your day so far?" - 10am

        "I woke up from time to time last night" - 12pm

        "But feeling better now" - 12pm

        "babe u ok?"

I don't really know what to say or feel, my love is contaminated with mistrust. Nothing feels the same when you can't trust another person.

 

[Luckysmith12]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, infatuation and limerence can cause these, along with very unhealthy attachments to people whom a person hasn't known for long or can't trust. You may be attracted to high highs and low lows of toxic relationships or are dysfunctional also but not know it. If you value this type of relationship, I have nothing else to add. I disagree that this is healthy or part of a healthy relationship.

Take a step back and let it unfold naturally. If you're doing LDR wait until you're together in person before putting too much weight in the relationship. If she's dishonest as a person you'll find out soon enough. And if you're tired of this set up, let each other go so you're not living miserably.

1 hour ago, Luckysmith12 said:

 

Also, how can I get answer to the last seen on whatsapp changing to nobody can view it?

I just am really in my emotions right now and I know this is not good. 

 

[Batya33]

Your loving feelings are based on an extremely short time dating and is more based on longing/pining/idealistic images of who she is/might be.  After you've dated in person regularly for the better part of a year then you will know if your loving feelings are the basis for a committed potentially serious relationship.  JMHO