A dogs world

[Andrina]

I really don't understand why you didn't have the foresight to put pet owners on a no-date list.

If your longterm goal was to have a lifetime partner, why did you even bother dating her? Most longterm couples end up moving in together eventually. 

If she decided on being a dog owner after she began dating you, knowing you were allergic, well then that's the point you should have broken up.

I would also question her decision making skills as it's a lot of work to walk three dogs many times a day when there is no yard at her apartment. 

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Nin, couple red flags here from a super duper animal lover but also a big neat freak who likes to keep a lid on the god hair 😉

First off (and I am aware this sounds judgemental) I think anyone who has 3 dogs in a small apartment is not very mature or considerate to the doggos, and as other posters have said, not considerate AT ALL to your allergies.  For the doggos:  canines need space, fresh air, exercise, discipline, and (IMHO) should not be let on the furniture unless everyone in the household agrees.  I could not imagine a world where I was being intimate with my SO and felt a dog nose in my bum!  I also think it's enough to clean up dog hair from the floor as an act of love, but not have to constantly lint remove hair from furniture or compete for space with dog(s) that we didn't choose/adopt together.

We trained all our canines (but we only ever had one at a time) to not enter our bedroom or bathrooms (toilet water drinking) or go up on the furniture.  They had their space and their place.

I say all this because it was not thrust upon me.  After careful consideration, I willingly shared our lives with a pet.  This is more in line with family planning.  Imagine that she has three kids in diapers and you are discussing becoming their daddy.  You have to want her really super bad to agree to that, when you are allergic to her children.

PS properly trained, well exercised canines do not damage, chew furniture, excessively bark, or poo all over the place.  Those are called "nuisance behaviors" and have to be trained out.

Spinster,

 

This is very true! I don’t know much about dogs but having more than one just seems like trouble and hard work. Almost a full time job there surely! 
 

When I was growing up my Mum was exceptionally house proud but had two abandoned kittens put on her from her sister, who had already taken in three. She kept them to the kitchen, didn’t allow them in the living room or upstairs and they were pretty much outdoor cats for the most part. 
 

Also, being allergic is a very big deal. You can’t be wheezing and struggling to breath for the next 10 years! 
 

x

 

 

[NIN2000]

2 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Nin, couple red flags here from a super duper animal lover but also a big neat freak who likes to keep a lid on the god hair 😉

First off (and I am aware this sounds judgemental) I think anyone who has 3 dogs in a small apartment is not very mature or considerate to the doggos, and as other posters have said, not considerate AT ALL to your allergies.  For the doggos:  canines need space, fresh air, exercise, discipline, and (IMHO) should not be let on the furniture unless everyone in the household agrees.  I could not imagine a world where I was being intimate with my SO and felt a dog nose in my bum!  I also think it's enough to clean up dog hair from the floor as an act of love, but not have to constantly lint remove hair from furniture or compete for space with dog(s) that we didn't choose/adopt together.

We trained all our canines (but we only ever had one at a time) to not enter our bedroom or bathrooms (toilet water drinking) or go up on the furniture.  They had their space and their place.

I say all this because it was not thrust upon me.  After careful consideration, I willingly shared our lives with a pet.  This is more in line with family planning.  Imagine that she has three kids in diapers and you are discussing becoming their daddy.  You have to want her really super bad to agree to that, when you are allergic to her children.

PS properly trained, well exercised canines do not damage, chew furniture, excessively bark, or poo all over the place.  Those are called "nuisance behaviors" and have to be trained out.

I like to thank you for your response and would like to make the following clear; I grew up with dogs and have no problem with animals; however, I am in a very different stage in my life and no longer desire pets.

Like  you I understand the work and dedication it takes to have a pet (and raise them properly). I agree with you, you have to train your pets, you have to spend quality time with them and offer them proper exercise. Unfortunately, I work long hours away and I’m in a stage in life which I’m enjoying traveling. Dogs in this stage of my life complicate my life.

My home has a very large fenced in back yard; yet, my girlfriend insist that the dogs be housed indoors and never outdoors. 

There are some who enjoy spending time at a mall and shopping for shoes and clothes; my girlfriend literally enjoys visiting the local dog pound, looking for her next dog. All of her dogs come from the local pound and require extensive training.

Not to sound selfish, but I have worked  long hard hours, risked my life in law enforcement and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars renovating my home. It’s my home, I worked it and should have a say on some matters.

When my girlfriend brings her dogs over they shed hair like crazy and creates excessive cleaning demands which “I shouldn’t have to do.” Her dogs go to the back yard, pee and poop and then enter the house and she sees nothing wrong with them jumping on the bad and going to sleep (I find that disgusting). If I cook a nice dinner, her dogs will bark, salivate all over me, while swarming the dinner table with the hope of getting scraps from the table -that’s disgusting. However for my girlfriend that’s normal.

My girlfriend wants to move in with me but I’m not thrilled knowing that I worked so hard and really can’t enjoy my home because of all of the above. At the end of the day, it’s my home and I made it very clear that I will not budge on this issue not only due to health issues but as a result of the above.

Her dream is to win the lotto, buy a large house and adopt 8 dogs from the local dog pound. She’s obsessed with such thoughts. I made it clear that my home is not an alternative for her lotto dreams. 

[NIN2000]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It would be a dealbreaker for me for sure.  Not because I have a nice home as you do (and seriously -I hear your pride in it and that's wonderful that you feel this way!) - but because I'm not a dog person, I don't want to have to deal with what to do when I travel and for me personally I don't relate to the extent of that level of attachment enough so that I could live with it. I respect all dog owners who consider their dogs part of the family and it doesn't mean I'd live with any of them or vacation with them if they insisted on bringing the dog.

I even have disliked when I've had to eat outside in bad weather because my friend wouldn't leave her healthy dog alone for few hours to meet me or where I had to be the one to travel to the friend to be at their home so the dog wouldn't be alone.  I dislike having to ask that the dog not leap on me and I've been bitten (completely unprovoked on my end) so I have some residual fears from that.  

I know of married couples who live separately and you can see if that would be an option -she lives with her dogs, and she comes to you and perhaps you split the cost of anyone she'd need for more than a few days to dog sit etc.  

How soon into the relationship did she have these dogs? I'm surprised it's only an issue now.  

She’s had three dogs for years. It’s only an issue now because we began discussing moving in and she is insisting on bringing her dogs. 
 

but it’s more than her three dogs, she wants to adapt from the local dog pound more 5-8 dogs. At first I thought she was joking and found out she is not. I made it very clear that I was not going to live my live working hard to come home to a zoo -no matter how beautiful her dogs are.

Aside from my allergies, the cleaning is endless and one of dogs enjoys chewing furniture (she thinks it’s “cute” I think it’s very disrespectful). I like going to bed and waking up with my girlfriend but not waking up with three dogs on my bed.

And in all honesty I don’t think I should. If the tables were reversed, I would not have the nerve to bring three dogs over to a home which I don’t own. The irony is that my girlfriend and I have no disagreement on anything-only this one issue.

[itsallgrand]

Good.... Don't let her use you for upgrading her lifestyle. If she wants that, she better get to work to build it for herself. Obviously your dreams of happy ever after are very very different. 

[NIN2000]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It would be a dealbreaker for me for sure.  Not because I have a nice home as you do (and seriously -I hear your pride in it and that's wonderful that you feel this way!) - but because I'm not a dog person, I don't want to have to deal with what to do when I travel and for me personally I don't relate to the extent of that level of attachment enough so that I could live with it. I respect all dog owners who consider their dogs part of the family and it doesn't mean I'd live with any of them or vacation with them if they insisted on bringing the dog.

I even have disliked when I've had to eat outside in bad weather because my friend wouldn't leave her healthy dog alone for few hours to meet me or where I had to be the one to travel to the friend to be at their home so the dog wouldn't be alone.  I dislike having to ask that the dog not leap on me and I've been bitten (completely unprovoked on my end) so I have some residual fears from that.  

I know of married couples who live separately and you can see if that would be an option -she lives with her dogs, and she comes to you and perhaps you split the cost of anyone she'd need for more than a few days to dog sit etc.  

How soon into the relationship did she have these dogs? I'm surprised it's only an issue now.  

She’s always had dogs but I never expected that in order to date her I would have to accept her three (3) dogs and her desire to adopt 2-4 more. Nor did I ever expect her downplay my health and prioritize her dogs over me.
 

Neither her nor I are in our 20’s or 30’s, instead we are in our 40’s.. if we have to live separately -so be it. But I am not reversing my stance under any condition, even if it cost us our relationship.

[NIN2000]

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It would be a dealbreaker for me for sure.  Not because I have a nice home as you do (and seriously -I hear your pride in it and that's wonderful that you feel this way!) - but because I'm not a dog person, I don't want to have to deal with what to do when I travel and for me personally I don't relate to the extent of that level of attachment enough so that I could live with it. I respect all dog owners who consider their dogs part of the family and it doesn't mean I'd live with any of them or vacation with them if they insisted on bringing the dog.

I even have disliked when I've had to eat outside in bad weather because my friend wouldn't leave her healthy dog alone for few hours to meet me or where I had to be the one to travel to the friend to be at their home so the dog wouldn't be alone.  I dislike having to ask that the dog not leap on me and I've been bitten (completely unprovoked on my end) so I have some residual fears from that.  

I know of married couples who live separately and you can see if that would be an option -she lives with her dogs, and she comes to you and perhaps you split the cost of anyone she'd need for more than a few days to dog sit etc.  

How soon into the relationship did she have these dogs? I'm surprised it's only an issue now.  

Thank you for your response. Your opinion is appreciated.

She’s had dogs for years and loves going to the local dog pound and adopting dogs. But she kept them at her sisters.

I never expected to be in a relationship in which the dogs take higher importance in the relationship. 

I like dogs but would never force them on my girlfriend and expect that she would have to make accommodations for them at her house. I feel that the reverse should be respected.

[NIN2000]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Spinster,

 

This is very true! I don’t know much about dogs but having more than one just seems like trouble and hard work. Almost a full time job there surely! 
 

When I was growing up my Mum was exceptionally house proud but had two abandoned kittens put on her from her sister, who had already taken in three. She kept them to the kitchen, didn’t allow them in the living room or upstairs and they were pretty much outdoor cats for the most part. 
 

Also, being allergic is a very big deal. You can’t be wheezing and struggling to breath for the next 10 years! 
 

x

 

 

The allergies is one of the main issues. Thanks for your response!

[Batya33]

I read  your responses.  I don't buy that you didn't know she'd want to keep her dogs -already had three of them - and I don't buy that you didn't know she wouldn't be content to banish them to the outdoors.  I mean sure if you only planned on casually dating her -being more like activity partner/casually dating just to have someone to do fun activities with -but this is years and you're in your 40s (we married in our 40s, my husband and me - and we talked right away about our desire to be parents someday and get married -

I mean by analogy I made it my business to confirm we were on the same page about dealbreakers like having children - and having pets is a similar dealbreaker when one person already has them as part of their family and on top of that is as dedicated and committed to animals as your gf is).  

And then you have this fancy house that is your pride and joy.  Obviously a bad mix.  Yes dogs can be trained as others have commented -but you knew she wasn't up for that.  Something doesn't seem right here.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  But this is not a surprise at all -her stance on things.  (I don't agree with her expectations of you but I also don't agree that dogs can live completely outdoors and I know very little about dogs from that perspective, but I do know that!)

[NIN2000]

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I read  your responses.  I don't buy that you didn't know she'd want to keep her dogs -already had three of them - and I don't buy that you didn't know she wouldn't be content to banish them to the outdoors.  I mean sure if you only planned on casually dating her -being more like activity partner/casually dating just to have someone to do fun activities with -but this is years and you're in your 40s (we married in our 40s, my husband and me - and we talked right away about our desire to be parents someday and get married -

I mean by analogy I made it my business to confirm we were on the same page about dealbreakers like having children - and having pets is a similar dealbreaker when one person already has them as part of their family and on top of that is as dedicated and committed to animals as your gf is).  

And then you have this fancy house that is your pride and joy.  Obviously a bad mix.  Yes dogs can be trained as others have commented -but you knew she wasn't up for that.  Something doesn't seem right here.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  But this is not a surprise at all -her stance on things.  (I don't agree with her expectations of you but I also don't agree that dogs can live completely outdoors and I know very little about dogs from that perspective, but I do know that!)

Believe whatever you want. Thanks!

[spinstermanquee]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I don’t know much about dogs but having more than one just seems like trouble and hard work.

There is a saying among fur parents, "Having 2 dogs is like having 10."  This is why we never went over 1.  One is enough!  And a lot of work!  Nin, if I were in your shoes, I'd nix the movein and just keep the dating fun and easy.  Know that those doggos have no place in your abode, you would be inviting hurt feelings and disaster for the fur kids and your SO.  And the zoo?  She should have the means to buy her own farm to stock with strays.  Your place is off limits.  You two are def. not on same page... (it's my turn to sound harsh because... really... I am advocating for those fur babies, sucker that I am) 😉

Edited to add:  as for "family planning," one of the strictest tenets of our fur parenting agreement was that he was the primary caregiver to the dog.  I travel(ed) extensively and am not capable of caring for a pet from afar, nor did I want to be responsible for the feeding and lodging arrangements for our dog in addition to my breadwinner responsibilities.  This was never a sticking point for us nor did it contribute to the demise of our marriage.  Just... different strokes for different folks.

[NIN2000]

8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's odd that she thinks moving into your home is appropriate with her pets knowing you're allergic, for one. This is beyond disrespectful and inconsiderate. How on earth does a person wake up every day knowing that their chosen lifestyle causes discomfort to their partner? Dog or no dog, it's her expectation to date and move in with you that causes all kinds of questions for me about what type of person she is. 

No, she's not a terrible person for loving dogs. Plenty of people love dogs and live with dogs. It's her approach, expectations and overall attitude that seems uncaring towards you. Just ridiculous. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I’ve been to her apartment, the dogs shed lots of hair. They salivate all over you during dinner (I think that’s disgusting but my girlfriend thinks it’s cute). The dogs rarely receive a bath and they stink. She takes outside, the pee and poop and she brings them right back inside and encourages them to jump on her bed. In my opinion all of the above is disgusting but it’s her dwelling and her choice; however, I have a problem when she insist that if she moves in with me that her three dogs “must” sleep with us on our bed. My response “hell no! That’s disgusting!”

I am prepared to move on from this relationship if she doesn’t like it. I find all of the above disgusting and that fact that she seeks to force it all on me unacceptable.

[NIN2000]

40 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

There is a saying among fur parents, "Having 2 dogs is like having 10."  This is why we never went over 1.  One is enough!  And a lot of work!  Nin, if I were in your shoes, I'd nix the movein and just keep the dating fun and easy.  Know that those doggos have no place in your abode, you would be inviting hurt feelings and disaster for the fur kids and your SO.  And the zoo?  She should have the means to buy her own farm to stock with strays.  Your place is off limits.  You two are def. not on same page... (it's my turn to sound harsh because... really... I am advocating for those fur babies, sucker that I am) 😉

Edited to add:  as for "family planning," one of the strictest tenets of our fur parenting agreement was that he was the primary caregiver to the dog.  I travel(ed) extensively and am not capable of caring for a pet from afar, nor did I want to be responsible for the feeding and lodging arrangements for our dog in addition to my breadwinner responsibilities.  This was never a sticking point for us nor did it contribute to the demise of our marriage.  Just... different strokes for different folks.

Thanks for your feedback. I agree with your views. I don’t dislike dogs, I’m just at an age that I would like to travel, enjoy life more and I truly believe that if you have dogs, it’s no different than having kids -lots of responsibility and time. However, I am at a point in my life that I don’t want that responsibility. 
 

Moreover, my girlfriend rarely gives the dogs a bath and they stink. Thanks f we lived together, I would be the one cleaning up after the dogs, and  bathing the dogs. Task which I really don’t want to do. And I don’t have to.

I want to go to bed with my girlfriend NOT with three smelly dogs. And if she doesn’t like it then I’m willing to move on without her.

[NIN2000]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

I really don't understand why you didn't have the foresight to put pet owners on a no-date list.

If your longterm goal was to have a lifetime partner, why did you even bother dating her? Most longterm couples end up moving in together eventually. 

If she decided on being a dog owner after she began dating you, knowing you were allergic, well then that's the point you should have broken up.

I would also question her decision making skills as it's a lot of work to walk three dogs many times a day when there is no yard at her apartment. 

I’ve worked 16 hour shifts for years which allowed me to pay off my house and in the last two years alone spent over $200,000 on renovations. My girlfriend has helped with the process and has seen how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am at. 
 

I avoid going over to apartment because of the dog hair and the smell. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like dogs -I just like my dwelling clean and organized. My girlfriend knows this. She also knows that I am very allergic and her dogs turn my eyes red with allergies. However, it’s never been an issue because we spend most of my time at my house. 

However, recently we discussed moving in together and I’m the one who owns the house. I didn’t expect an ultimatum, stating that she would move in with me only if the dogs came along and they must be allowed to sleep with us on our bed. I came into this relationship wanting to date and sleep with a woman. I didn’t plan on sleeping in a bed with her dogs. To hell with that. That’s disgusting 

[NIN2000]

11 hours ago, bluecastle said:

It's really this simple.

Why force something that doesn't fit? If she euthanizes the dogs for you, or keeps them at her sister's, you are going to go from being someone she loves to someone she resents. Ditto for you if she moves in with you with dogs. Meanwhile, you know that living separately is a blast. 

I'd suggest, moving forward with the discussion, that you try to resist making your point with dollar signs. I get it, I get it. But it's a bit crass, especially if (as I'm presuming) there is a major gap between you two financially: you in the six figure renovation on the five figure mattress, her sharing an apartment with her sister.

If that sort of gap exists you run the risk of minimizing her life with your argument. Not the intention, I know, but something to pay attention to.

 

Agreed -thanks for your feedback!

[NIN2000]

3 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Good.... Don't let her use you for upgrading her lifestyle. If she wants that, she better get to work to build it for herself. Obviously your dreams of happy ever after are very very different. 

It’s more than that.
 

Out of the three dogs, there is 1 which she favors. This 1 dog sheds more hair than the other 2 combined. He’s not aggressive, in fact aside from going out and peeing and taking a poop, he doesn’t do much.

He’s an “oxygen breather” for the most part.

However, I asked my girlfriend; “if I didn’t shower or bathe for 30 days would” she sleep in the same bed as me!? Quickly she responds “No!” And than I point out out that her favorite dog pees and poops everyday, gets a bath once every 60 days and she invites sleeps with that dog daily. 

Her reaction was embarrassment. But it’s true. I on the other hand, find this motion revoltingly disgusting.

[Rose Mosse]

You're incompatible and it's a good time to cut your losses and move on. 

Don't harbour so much resentment over one person. It just eats you up alive and as Kwothe points out at the very start you'll end up breaking up anyway in the long run regardless of whether you move in together or not. At the heart of the matter, you're not a match. 

Even while you date her you date her hardly going over to her place. Doesn't it get tiring dating a woman and never going over or switching things up? There's a big part of her you can't accept and find disgusting. That kind of judgment is sure to cause resentment in her also in the long run. The sex may be good but this will eventually run its course.

Now you're a little smarter and have more experience. Screen out any dates who have dogs or pets you're allergic to. If it's any consolation to you, I'm severely allergic to cats myself. My autoimmune response is out of this world - eyes seal shut, lungs fill with fluid and so on. I have been to the ER after two weeks of trying to foster a cat. I'm also allergic to dogs but to a lesser extent. I have had dogs in the past and love both cats and dogs but it's likely never going to be in the cards for me ever owning a cat. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

[MissCanuck]

Just break up with her. You two are not compatible long-term. 

[LootieTootie]

I am going to be really judgy about your girlfriend because as a dog mom of ONE high energy dog, I meet a lot of dog parents like her who will just adopt any dog at the pound because they have a bleeding heart and think all the dog need is love. Like spinster mentioned, dogs need more than just love, they need space to exercise daily, socialization, consistent discipline and a strong authority figure.

From your posts, your girlfriend has 3 dogs in a small apartment, doesn't groom and bathe her dogs (grooming can prevent shedding - that's why I use a vacuum grooming tool which works wonder), doesn't want to train her dogs not to be at the table when humans are eating, doesn't want to train the dogs not to bark incessantly, and pretty much is not an authoritative figure where her dogs respect her - if they did, they wouldn't be barking like crazy or trying to get scraps of food at the table....and I'm sure I'm missing more...

What it tells me is that she slacks off big time as a parent and she has no intention of changing her ways. She thinks she is a good dog mom but she doesn't take care of her dogs. Letting your dogs go 2-3 months without grooming/bathing is just neglectful. Especially when dogs are with each other, they slobber on each other during plays and grooming rituals (licking each other) - so homes with two dogs or more tend to have a dog odor (if they don't clean up after their dogs - its worse). Thats also why we have one dog because I am sensitive to smell, on top of that -dogs are a lot of work.

In addition, she doesn't even seem to consider how bringing 3 dogs in to your space is compromising your health. If this isn't code for super self-centered person who is only looking out for their own interest  - then I don't know what is. This should be the BIG RED FLAG for you. She just wants you to save her and her dogs by giving them a bigger living space, who cares what it will do to your health. If she is already disregarding your health now, don't be surprise when she disregards your feelings in the future.

 

 

 

 

[NIN2000]

12 hours ago, mylolita said:

Evening!

 

I have to admit, you are not being harsh or unreasonable at all.

 

I personally can relate! Like a few others have said here, I respect the bond people have with their animals, but it‘s not for me. I also keep a really ultra clean, pristine home, with antique furniture and a silk couch. Our house is strictly a “shoes off” kinda house!

 

I often come to blows with my in laws regarding similar issues. They won’t leave their pampered pooch for even 2 hours alone, insist on bringing it and then complain and make me out to be the bad guy when I shut the dog in our kitchen or yard (if it’s a nice day) when they bring her. (She gets a thick chicken breast and a bowl of water and her own bed by the way!) 

 

The thought of sleeping in bed with dogs(!) - I don’t get it! 
 

It’s not for you. You’ve been with each other 3 years - that is long enough for her to know already how you feel about your home and her dogs and your lifestyle. She shouldn’t be pressuring you when she will know how you feel about it.

 

I don’t think compromises often work long term for situations like this - but if you are both content to live separate, as others have suggested, this seems to be the only compromise you could realistically make.

 

What you have to ask yourself is, where do you see your relationship going and, what direction do you both want for it? If it‘s marriage or children, the children part will struggle to work if you both have different abodes, it‘s not realistic. 
 

Best of luck OP and congratulations for finishing your renovations!

 

x

 

 

Thank you for your feedback!

[NIN2000]

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I am going to be really judgy about your girlfriend because as a dog mom of ONE high energy dog, I meet a lot of dog parents like her who will just adopt any dog at the pound because they have a bleeding heart and think all the dog need is love. Like spinster mentioned, dogs need more than just love, they need space to exercise daily, socialization, consistent discipline and a strong authority figure.

From your posts, your girlfriend has 3 dogs in a small apartment, doesn't groom and bathe her dogs (grooming can prevent shedding - that's why I use a vacuum grooming tool which works wonder), doesn't want to train her dogs not to be at the table when humans are eating, doesn't want to train the dogs not to bark incessantly, and pretty much is not an authoritative figure where her dogs respect her - if they did, they wouldn't be barking like crazy or trying to get scraps of food at the table....and I'm sure I'm missing more...

What it tells me is that she slacks off big time as a parent and she has no intention of changing her ways. She thinks she is a good dog mom but she doesn't take care of her dogs. Letting your dogs go 2-3 months without grooming/bathing is just neglectful. Especially when dogs are with each other, they slobber on each other during plays and grooming rituals (licking each other) - so homes with two dogs or more tend to have a dog odor (if they don't clean up after their dogs - its worse). Thats also why we have one dog because I am sensitive to smell, on top of that -dogs are a lot of work.

In addition, she doesn't even seem to consider how bringing 3 dogs in to your space is compromising your health. If this isn't code for super self-centered person who is only looking out for their own interest  - then I don't know what is. This should be the BIG RED FLAG for you. She just wants you to save her and her dogs by giving them a bigger living space, who cares what it will do to your health. If she is already disregarding your health now, don't be surprise when she disregards your feelings in the future.

 

 

 

 

“What it tells me is that she slacks off big time as a parent and she has no intention of changing her ways.“

“she doesn't even seem to consider how bringing 3 dogs in to your space is compromising your health. If this isn't code for super self-centered person who is only looking out for their own interest  - then I don't know what is. This should be the BIG RED FLAG for you. “

 

I’ve thought of the same things and come to the same conclusion “self centered”!

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

I like to thank you for your response and would like to make the following clear; I grew up with dogs and have no problem with animals; however, I am in a very different stage in my life and no longer desire pets.

Like  you I understand the work and dedication it takes to have a pet (and raise them properly). I agree with you, you have to train your pets, you have to spend quality time with them and offer them proper exercise. Unfortunately, I work long hours away and I’m in a stage in life which I’m enjoying traveling. Dogs in this stage of my life complicate my life.

My home has a very large fenced in back yard; yet, my girlfriend insist that the dogs be housed indoors and never .Her dream is to win the lotto, buy a large house and adopt 8 dogs from the local dog pound. 

Well if she wants her place to be a dog kennel that's fine, but you don't have to subside that. It may be best to end it now before more contempt and resentment build up.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

My girlfriend has helped with the process and has seen how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am at. 

How did she help? When she was helping did you discuss then about how it would work with the dogs? If not why not -you accepted her help with renovations (as an outsider from what I've seen and heard most renovations -and especially huge ones like yours - take tons of work even if you're simply keeping track of what the contractor/sub-contractors are doing).  Seems a bit unfair that she worked on this and has nothing to show for it. 

Certainly couple support each other - I used to help boyfriends with job searches, editing written work, etc but it was reciprocal and there were no dealbreakers like you're discussing here.  It would be like me helping a boyfriend get a job in another country where he knew I could never live.

You take pride and joy in your dwelling.  You prioritize your home financially - I'm sure you haven't put nearly that much $ into anything else in your life.  You're entitled.  But when you're part of a couple and especially going to live together it's no longer "your dwelling" only even if you put a million dollars into it.  It doesn't matter that your name is on the deed and not hers as far as she being entitled to live comfortably, to feel at home, to have access to the home other than rare exceptions (like the couples who have offices in their home and the office is off limits to animals and/or toddlers etc) - you are extremely territorial and you feel you deserve that because of all the hard work and $.  That is your priority. 

But that priority is incompatible with your girlfriend's priority about animals. In fact it is diametrically opposed.  She couldn't care less about renovations unless it would help her house her dogs and expand to strays she plans on fostering or adopting.  

Neither of you is wrong.  I'd never date someone who was that into a house nor would I date someone who owned a dog that behaved as you described.  Different strokes/cover for every pot. 

Find a person who values what you do about physical living space, who is content to move into "your" home and forego an equal partnership when it comes to what is done to your home and access to your home. That is how your description comes across -like the house is a child you birthed, and as the "parent" you're not going to let an outsider "parent" your home.

There are people who would not care and prefer it even.  You will also find people who feel as you do - that getting a dog will be later on -like when you retire and/or change jobs where you can shoulder the responsibility of a dog or other pet.  I like how responsible your attitude is about that.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

I’ve thought of the same things and come to the same conclusion “self centered”!

Have you considered that her "dream of winning the lotto" is you? Hate to say it but if she sees you as a meal ticket for herself and "her dream to adopt 8 dogs" then you simply need to end it.

[Lambert]

I think you've received a lot of good advice here. You are incompatible in many areas.  Her dogs are not the only reason but they also highlight her immaturity, selfishness, lack of self awareness, inability to be self-sufficient and poor judgment. 

Why would you:

move forward with all these red flags? Settle for someone so different from your own values and achievements? Sacrifice your health and financial stability? Basically blow up your life?  Do you think you can't find better?