All over the place...

[Tabasco]

Hey all, 

Just another story for you all to read and possibly give advice on. So here we go. 

By choice and Covid I have been single for the last 5 years except for a fling I had 1.5 years ago with someone in FL, I am in NY. I started a new job in September of last year. In that time I met someone at work that IMO is significantly younger than me, 18 years to be exact. I have a daughter and the age difference between the two is not very far off. I look young, however I know my age. Over the year she latched on to me as I am a pretty good person and like to take care of people. About 6 months ago she blew off a guy she was seeing for a short time and then at some point told me she has feelings for me. I told her she was brave to tell me these feelings but it would never work. 

She followed me around for all of the days after, and mind you I won't say I am not attracted to her. In fact she is extremely pretty ,very smart and she had some personal tragedies that she confided in me about. I was there, not romantic at all but I was there. I was just an ear and gave her advice. In that time I started caring about her. This went on for about 6 months. I knew she was having a great deal of feelings for me but I just for in my mind (morality reasons because of the age difference) didn't know if I could reciprocate. I pushed it off until I knew she would be laid off for 3 months. So we got together after she was laid off and I explained how much the age difference bothered me, she's in a similar age bracket as my daughter and to me that's just creepy. That's just not for me. So I rejected her and explained it's not her I was rejecting but all of the judgment that we would face if we went forward. She said she understood. 

The days that followed were very hard for me, and her as well. ( this is where I will get some judgement but we can't help feelings, feelings don't know time) After about 4-5 days after rejecting her I felt horrible, she was my friend in this time and more that I was ignoring . She was scheduled to work one day about 3 weeks ago so it was pretty uncomfortable but I tried making it easier. The feeling that I might of lost out on a person that really cares about me filled me so I asked her if she wanted to talk. She asked if it was an in person talk or not. I said preferably in person, she is very good with wearing a plastic smile. The next 5 days weren't an option, she was going to visit a friend in another state. But said we can talk after she get's off of her other job later that night. 

So she called me after she got off of work, and we dropped ( or should I say I dropped all of the reasons why not and said why yes). It was a very emotional and productive conversation that lasted nearly 8 hours. She completely melted... But then said she now has a boyfriend... I was like ummm it's been like 3-4 days how? She said she was really upset with how long she's had emotional feelings for me and how I hurt her and this guy just randomly approached her while she was hurt and kissed her and said she's now his girlfriend. I was like ok if that is what you want then I will completely respect your decisions and I always want the best for you. She wanted to stay on the phone until we both fell asleep saying everything I just said is making her body react in ways that she never experienced before, but she felt like she was emotionally cheating on the new guy and if we had this conversation in person she would have reacted with her feelings and cheated on said new guy of a few days...  Ok good story... I didn't expect this at all. 

I talked to a friend of mine about this and he actually supported the idea of us giving it a shot. So I tried sharing that idea in a text and found out I was blocked... Ok, I get it. She is protecting herself and her new interest. Maybe it was best for her. 

So the next 3 weeks or so go by, I know I am going to see her today. So I say I'll just do my best to ignore her, continue on as if I don't know her unless she wants to talk. She see's me I see her and we both don't look happy, later I get a text from a co worker that has no clue what is going on that she wants to talk to me. So I say ok, I meet up with her and tried to keep it as I do with everyone I work with and said "hey girl what's up?" She says "can we talk?" I said sure. So we went somewhere that no one could here us talk. 

She apologized to me, and said she will be working there soon and didn't want to resent me or for things to be weird and that maybe we can talk again. I said I was confused, we had a really emotional talk until 5am and you melted, I melted and after I said I would give it a try you blocked me. She said it was because she was with someone at that moment, I said with someone for 3 days? It doesn't make sense unless you really like this guy if so that's cool with me I just had no idea I had competition and it was unfair to me to hide that. She said that she needed a date for a wedding and she knew with how things were with us that I wouldn't go so he went for it, felt I wasn't an option and maybe go with it. Said she doesn't trust what she would do around me even still, I told her that because of the situation I would never take advantage of her feelings and be selfish so if she wanted to go forward it was on her. She also said that she can't stop thinking about me and every time he tries to get physical with her she backs off and won't let him. We both admitted we hurt each other, me first her second. I told her that she knows I have very strong feelings for her and miss her. Eye contact was there with more that 75% of the conversation that lasted for about 30 minutes. She hinted about how she feels and I said ok, So why are you with someone but know the person you want feels the same and you feel it's wrong to be with someone else? She said she didn't want to hurt him, I questioned it saying I didn't understand her logic because I finally gave her what she wanted and then she blocked me, and that the guy she was seeing lives in a different state, she doesn't have to see him but she knows she will see me a lot. She said in all of this time we weren't honest (referring to me and my feelings for her the first few months) and asked if we could now both be. I said sure but this is on you, she didn't like that I said that everything was on her. I then said because of the situation I told her this months ago it was up to her to make the first move not me, it's not that I don't want to but I was always trying to be fair to her and respect her feelings and not take advantage of them. 

We pretty much left it as that, maybe I should have just kissed her. I will see her tomorrow. 

Of course there are a lot of details left out, but I wouldn't mind an opinion. 

Thanks all

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

I'm really interested in your age and her age.  If she's barely out of high school I would head in the opposite direction.  Sometimes age does matter.   For example, 50 year old with 30+ is not really as bad as 40 year old with someone in their teens (imo). 

 

[MissCanuck]

She is all over the place. 

But she has also evidently found someone else. I wouldn't bother trying to pursue this. 

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt bother either. Somebody who can talk to you for 8 hours, then say she has a boyfriend and then blame it on you, would have no problem of doing the same thing if she was with you. Too much all over the place and you can never know what to expect from person like that. One day you would be the love of her life. Next day, you would be replaced.

Also, 18 years difference is way too much. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Tabasco said:

I said I was confused, we had a really emotional talk until 5am and you melted, I melted and after I said I would give it a try you blocked me. She said it was because she was with someone at that moment, I said with someone for 3 days? It doesn't make sense unless you really like this guy if so that's cool with me I just had no idea I had competition and it was unfair to me to hide that.

You are confused.. she is confused?

Yeah, 18 years is a lot!  Most age gap I ever had was just over 10 yrs and that's plenty enough.... YOu admitted is like the age of your daughter!

I suggest you move along and leave her be.  Not mess her up more. She sounds quite young. ( and if this a co worker, more challenges) 😕  Besides, you, yourself admitted the age thing is a problem.

 

3 hours ago, Tabasco said:

We both admitted we hurt each other, me first her second. I told her that she knows I have very strong feelings for her and miss her. Eye contact was there with more that 75% of the conversation that lasted for about 30 minutes. She hinted about how she feels and I said ok, So why are you with someone but know the person you want feels the same and you feel it's wrong to be with someone else?

I say YOU are just leading her on.. to nothing.

Like you admitted, you're all over the place. Then stop it!

You know her age. You know how awkward it all is.. then why are you reacting this way at all to her?

Let her go!  Let her have an actual relationship with someone real.  Without your butting in and leaving her more confused.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Tabasco said:

  She said it was because she was with someone at that moment,  

It seems like a flattering crush. But steer clear of coworkers and kids who see you as a father figure.

[Batya33]

If you see yourself as a person who likes to help people in this situation I'd help by offering to help her find professional counseling/resources and if she accepts tell her the names -no paper trail if possible - and then walk away.  That's how you help. Tell her you are not a professional but you are a bit concerned about how she is acting and expressing herself (also this depends on how old she is)  If you see yourself as a helpful person.  What you are doing is potentially very harmful to you/your reputation and also a tad bit too self serving.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Tabasco said:

I started a new job in September of last year. In that time I met someone at work that  is significantly younger than me, 18 years to be exact. I have a daughter and the age

[waffle]

She is unavailable (that's Strike One) and the age difference is problematic (Strike Two) plus you work together (Strike Three) so this all sounds like a really, REALLY bad idea.

[Rose Mosse]

It was extremely inappropriate to tell her more than once that this was “on her”. You knew she made you uncomfortable from the start and dressed up the chats as you “helping her” and being a “good person”. A good person doesn’t put the blame on a person 18 years their junior knowing that she is vulnerable and has feelings for you. 

From Day 1 you didn’t like the idea of dating her, you changed and then when she met someone else you got upset and dismissed her current relationship, almost mocking it. 

My advice is to leave her alone and treat her like a younger, junior person at work who is far less experienced and be more respectful of your coworkers. Address them by name, not “hey girl” and keep your private life out of work. Date women your age and meet others outside the workplace.

[catfeeder]

On 6/27/2022 at 10:24 PM, Tabasco said:

later I get a text from a co worker that has no clue what is going on that she wants to talk to me.

WhUt is this? Now your coworkers are involved in this mess?

I'd evaluate how important my job and my reputation are to me, and I'd leave the little girl alone. She's not mature enough for you to risk so much.