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My boyfriend is going through something but he won’t tell me what’s wrong and I don’t know what to do


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Everything has seemed fine. We’ve been talking, texting, and hanging out like normal.

He works at night so yesterday I was going to go over to his place and hangout for a bit before he has to go into work. I was also going to visit my grandma who has recently started hospice and hasn’t been doing very well so I wanted to spend some time with her since she probably won’t be around for very much longer. I ended up visiting with her longer than expected and my boyfriend said there was no point coming over since we couldn’t get to hangout very long before he has to start getting ready for work which I understood. I told him he could call me on his way to work if he wanted since I would be home which is something we do regularly. He didn’t respond so I assumed he fell asleep.

It was starting to get closer to when he usually leaves for work and I still hasn’t gotten any texts or a call from him so I was a little confused. I texted him and asked if everything was ok. A bit later he just texted back “yea.” I asked him what was wrong and if he was upset with me and he said “no we’ll talk about it a different day.” I told him that I had a really difficult day today (in regards to visiting my grandma) and I just wanted to make sure there were no issues or anything. He responded with “Yeah you're going through a lot so I don't want to add anything to that. I'm just really going through it lately and have been in a pretty bad spot. I'm gonna go. I’ll talk to you on Monday.” I just said “Ok. I love you” and he hasn’t responded to that or anything. He has been active on social media tho so I assume he’s seen my text. I kind of want to text him but it kind of seems like he wants some space and that we’ll talk tomorrow.

I know this is kind of long and I’m sorry I’m just kind of worried and don’t know what to do. 

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6 minutes ago, checkered_mind said:

“Yeah you're going through a lot so I don't want to add anything to that. I'm just really going through it lately and have been in a pretty bad spot. I'm gonna go. I’ll talk to you on Monday.” I just said “Ok. I love you” and he hasn’t responded to that or anything.

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

He may want to talk in person Monday. All you can do is let the dust settle, give some space and speak Monday about whatever is bothering him.

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

He may want to talk in person Monday. All you can do is let the dust settle, give some space and speak Monday about whatever is bothering him.

We’ve been dating for about a little over a year and a half. He’s 24 and I’m 25. 

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I can see why you're worried. 

His message was rather ominous-sounding and his silence suggests he doesn't want to speak right now. I wouldn't text him again today. He had to know that his message would concern you and that you are waiting to hear from him. If you don't hear from him tomorrow, I would call him. 

How has your relationship been until this point? 

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31 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I can see why you're worried. 

His message was rather ominous-sounding and his silence suggests he doesn't want to speak right now. I wouldn't text him again today. He had to know that his message would concern you and that you are waiting to hear from him. If you don't hear from him tomorrow, I would call him. 

How has your relationship been until this point? 

I mean it’s been good. We’ve had some up’s and downs like I feel every relationship has at some points but for the most part it’s pretty stable. We usually text everyday. Not a lot but just a bit throughout the day when we aren’t busy and he usually calls me on his way to work so we can discuss our day since we work different hours. We typically hangout during the weekend and sometimes during the week if he aren’t too busy. Like I said he seemed fine during the week when we were talking on the phone and texting and I got dinner with him this past Wednesday and he seemed like his normal self so I’m just confused and definitely a little worried about him, but I think I’ll definitely just give him space today and reach out to him tomorrow. 

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Don't do anything.  You leave him be now as he's going through some stuff and needs 'his time' to sort it out.  Worst thing to do is harass him over any of this.

One thing I remember learning is how men work.  They may go quiet, they may head to their 'man cave' for a while to 'think'.  ( like a buddy said to me once, they 'compartmentalize'... they put this problem away for now & come back to it a little later...)

 

57 minutes ago, checkered_mind said:

We’ve had some up’s and downs like I feel every relationship has at some points but for the most part it’s pretty stable.

This may not have anything to do with your relationship. So try not to assume that.

You really don't know what is going on.. until he can process his thoughts and 'talk' to you about it.

Meanwhile, continue on.. Who knows, maybe he'll snap out of this in the next day or so and be okay again?

 

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Maybe he lost his job/got an eviction notice, something totally unrelated to you. Most guys go into their snail shell when they have heavy things to think about, unlike women, we tend to reach out/share. He said he will talk to you on Monday...wait till then.

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There is nothing to do. It was rude of him not to respond back with an ILY so I can see why you’re thinking it’s something you may have done. I can never understand how people can just leave someone hanging like that after expressing love. 

See how it goes and what he says tomorrow.  

Edited by Rose Mosse
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52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

After all that time dating why don't you see each other during the week? What are your future intentions -his and yours?

Well we both work. I work during the day and he works at night so sometimes it’s difficult to see each other during the week. We do see each other during the week sometimes. We’ve talked about moving into together eventually. He just graduated from college recently and is trying to find a more full time adult job so I don’t think we’re ready for that just yet. 

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27 minutes ago, checkered_mind said:

Well we both work. I work during the day and he works at night so sometimes it’s difficult to see each other during the week. We do see each other during the week sometimes. We’ve talked about moving into together eventually. He just graduated from college recently and is trying to find a more full time adult job so I don’t think we’re ready for that just yet. 

OK - I see you have opposite shifts and I don't think sharing physical space increases the emotional commitment unless that's the purpose - it sounds like you two see this as serious maybe in the future when he gets his life together but right now he is in limbo and you're content seeing him on weekends.  I hope he tells you what is going on.  I don't like how he's going about it.  It's not fair to you.  I hope your grandmother is at peace and I'm sure she is glad to have you there. 

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I dont really think its that serious and that he is just pissed because you had plans and you changed and canceled them and and didnt come see him. It would probably go away by today. But wait for today and see.

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4 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont really think its that serious and that he is just pissed because you had plans and you changed and canceled them and and didnt come see him. It would probably go away by today. But wait for today and see.

He knew I was going to visit my dying grandma so if that’s the case and the reason he’s basically ignoring me than that would be pretty ***ty of him ngl

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9 minutes ago, checkered_mind said:

He knew I was going to visit my dying grandma so if that’s the case and the reason he’s basically ignoring me than that would be pretty ***ty of him ngl

Has this been a problem in the past when you've needed to prioritize family situations? Has he met your grandmother?

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10 minutes ago, checkered_mind said:

if that’s the case and the reason he’s basically ignoring me than that would be pretty ***ty of him ngl

If he's otherwise a good person, I highly doubt this is the issue. 

 

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1 hour ago, checkered_mind said:

He knew I was going to visit my dying grandma so if that’s the case and the reason he’s basically ignoring me than that would be pretty ***ty of him ngl

People are weird sometimes when it comes to attention. Maybe he takes it as a sign that you are ignoring him. I do agree that it would be pretty bad given that you had a very good reason to cancel the plans. 

Unless something big happened to him I dont see any other reason given the circumstances under what it happened. Again, wait for today and see what he says. With how he acts toward you and with "I dont want to add anything to that" it doesnt really seem positive to you. Heck, with how did it go, it seems a lot like he wants to break up. I dunno, I am a big overthinker and just throwing it out there, perhaps its just that something happened to him so he checked out to deal with that. But all you said about the situation doesnt bode well. 

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I would wait for him to come to me and I would decide then if his treatment of me was good enough for me.

I once had a bf that wouldn't tell what was wrong and it ended up being that he wanted to break up but was too coward to say it and making me jump through hoops.

Like seriously, if something is wrong say it. Don't play these little games, especially when you're already dealing with a dying family member.

I'd be pretty mad at him and I wouldn't be kissing his butt anymore with the love you texts.

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On 6/19/2022 at 3:15 PM, smackie9 said:

Maybe he lost his job/got an eviction notice, something totally unrelated to you. Most guys go into their snail shell when they have heavy things to think about, unlike women, we tend to reach out/share. He said he will talk to you on Monday...wait till then.

A year and a half of dating and he still can't tell his own GF that he may have lost his job? Sounds like he either doesn't see this relationship as serious or his communication skills really suck.  They haven't been dating 6 days.

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