Really conflicted on life's next steps. Any advice?

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, redswim30 said:

I also want you to realize that this does NOT make you a bad person.   Some people think you should never be attracted to anyone besides your spouse for all eternity, and that just isn’t realistic.   But the reasons and the revelation you experienced ARE important.

Well said. 

The only way to arrive at level headed answers that consider and serve every person we love within a family is to work through potential options. From there, consider potential consequences to FORESEE whether the value from such a step is worth it, overall.

I think staying in an apartment near your job in the same manner that you're already using a hotel today is a reasonable idea. But compare the expense. If your job is not currently reimbursing you for the the hotel stays, then it may actually be less expensive to rent or buy a studio. If the job IS reimbursing you, I'd keep expensing the hotel.

[Greg40s]

13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The only way to arrive at level headed answers that consider and serve every person we love within a family is to work through potential options. From there, consider potential consequences to FORESEE whether the value from such a step is worth it, overall.

Thank you so much for your understanding and advice. It really means a lot. 

[redswim30]

16 hours ago, Greg40s said:

I guess I've never thought there is such thing as a perfect marriage. And I can't imagine there is - that feels like too much to expect. I've always known that marriages take work and there are compromises. There are good things and sometimes not so good things too but we can work on them. So I would sometimes swing from being active and feeling like maybe I can fix it to feeling like maybe this was just part of the compromise. Maybe being married to someone you get on with is a really good thing (some people don't seem to have that!). 

And so answering your question of what I have been worried about, there are two parts to that. The first is the selfish part - that I don't know how to start again. I don't know how to not have the life I have, if that makes sense. That is scary. The other part though is the big one now - I never want to hurt my wife or mess things up for my kids. My wife is a really good person and I know this will hurt her. That's what I worry about. And I know enough from reading about this over the years that I'm not the only one - there are many people who stay with their partners simply because they can't bring themselves to hurt them.

But I've done that for a long time now. I know what I want and it's not this (although I'm still terrified of ending up alone I guess so there's that buried in there too). 

There is no perfect marriage BUT there are marriages that WORK and marriages that DON'T.  Things being okay only on the surface is not a marriage that is working.  We all experiences highs and lows, sure.  But you yourself have said that you've been consistently unhappy.  That is not usual in a good marriage that is working for both parties equally. 

It does make sense.  I can tell you that confidently because I am divorced and remarried.  Getting divorced is hard, I won't lie to you.  It does take work to get things back on track.  However, if it is what is best for everyone, then it can also be one of the best things you ever do- including for your kids.  I know lots of parents who get divorced and become BETTER parents, because they can actually focus on their kids instead of their unhappiness.   But I do understand that the unknown is scary, cause I've been there.  You're hurting your wife and kids now by just going thru the motions when your heart isn't in it.  You aren't doing your wife any favors by lying to her thru omission.  Will she be upset?  Of course.  NO ONE gets thru a marriage or having children without hurting both of them at some point, because we are are human and that is life. That WILL happen whether you stay married to your wife or not.    You are hurting your wife either way.   You are hurting your kids either way, even if the damage isn't manifesting in obvious ways yet.  You said your kids are teens.  Teens aren't stupid.  They probably realize more than you think.  You are also setting an example for how they live their life.  Should they never quit a job they hate so that they don't hurt their boss's feelings?   If your kid is with someone that doesn't make them happy and you see them visibly unhappy, are you going to tell them to stay so they don't hurt the other person's feelings?   Feelings  get hurt in life sometimes.  Good people's feelings get hurt, bad people's feelings get hurt, that's called being alive.  I'm not saying don't be sensitive to others, but I am saying a person shouldn't sacrifice their own feelings, wants, and needs just so as not to "hurt" someone.  That is not in any way healthy or realistic in the pursuit of a fulfilled and happy life.  That is the example you'll be setting for your kids.  That their feelings aren't as valid as others and they should sacrifice their own feelings, wants, and needs in order to please others.  

My first husband went thru the motions and didn't want to hurt me.  It didn't help me or make me feel good.  I knew he wanted out but was miserable.  All it did was knock my self esteem to an all time low, make me feel unloved and even worse made me feel like my husband thought I was an idiot who couldn't see that he was unhappy or notice the way he'd respond to other women in ways he did not with me. 

We went thru years of that only to divorce anyway.  And I can tell you, I would have respected him more if he'd been honest with me rather than pretending to be happy when he wasn't, he wasted years of both of our lives by trying to placate me.   I'm remarried now and the difference is night and day.  My current husband is genuinely happy with me and I with him.  It's SO MUCH easier!  Anyone who tells you that marriage should be a "BIG STRUGGLE" isn't in a happy marriage.  My first marriage was, my current isn't at ALL.   Big difference between high and lows (which is normal) versus perpetually deep discontentment (which isn't in a happy marriage). 

What's so bad about being alone?  Perhaps you should examine why you'd rather be in an unhappy marriage than to be alone?   Please give your wife some credit and respect.  I'm sure she's not stupid and understands at least on some level that you aren't happy.  And since you're not really in love with her (different from loving her as a person), but you aren't in love with her, don't you think she deserves to be with someone who could be passionately in love with her? 

It feels like you are thinking of every excuse not to change your life in the ways you really want to.   I'll lay it out for you.  Your wife will be fine.  Your kids will be fine.  People get divorced every day, kids are co-parented by divorced parents every day.   Fear is only a feeling.  So, what's stopping you?  Do you not feel like you deserve happiness?  Do your feelings not matter?  Or do you not want to give up a more comfortable lifestyle? Is your happiness something you're willing to sacrifice for comfort, even though you'd be doing everyone in your family a disservice?   It's worth examining.  

[Betterwithout]

Hi Greg40.  I remember you in one of my posts from 4 years ago.  You responded to me then....

You are in the same struggle as I am in.
It's been over 4 years with my one foot out the door and I still feel the same as I did back then.
I am trapped in the marriage.  If I didn't have kids or live in area where the cost of living was ridiculous, I would have left 4 years ago.

I married a person I didn't love 100%, and married her for a few of the wrong reasons.
It struck me again shopping for a card for our wedding anniversary coming up.  I have trouble finding a card that speaks about our marriage.  Most say something about good marriages...  "love you forever"  "soulmates" "best friend"  "sharing wonderful times together" etc.   They don't have a card about staying together for the kids or to prevent financial ruin, or to spare someones feelings.

Here is some food for thought for you.....

One comment above from redswim30 was on point...

Quote

"I also recommend this- Take a moment of pure selfishness.  Without worrying about what’s best for everyone else or thinking everyone else wants- what do YOU want? Your feelings as are equally important as everyone else’s.   If there was no consequence, what is the choice you would make today?  Answer that, because deep down the answer to that is what you really want. "

You really need to assess what option will be more painful for all involved.

As someone who was previously married and got divorced with kids....it's a real struggle,
and my kids are doing ok...not great.

However, this time around I have some experience of contemplating divorcing my second wife.   I am not going to divorce now even though my heart says so.    I am staying together until the kids move out and we no longer have a mortgage. I have lots of solo activities I like to do and keep looking for more, so my wife and I get on each others nerves less.   After the kids move out, they will be fine...but  I don't want to be unhappy from age 60-90.

I am looking forward to that 1/3 of my life!

[Greg40s]

5 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Or do you not want to give up a more comfortable lifestyle? Is your happiness something you're willing to sacrifice for comfort, even though you'd be doing everyone in your family a disservice? 

I'd be lying if I said this wasn't a part of it. I have made this life work for so long and, largely, it does work. I have a lot of good things in my life that I will lose in the hopes that I can make something else better... and with no guarantees. So yes, this is a factor and it's probably a big part of why I didn't do something years ago. 

But I feel now having worked through what has turned out to be a stupidly long process that I've hit a tipping point and I might just need to let some things go.

3 hours ago, Betterwithout said:

Hi Greg40.  I remember you in one of my posts from 4 years ago.  You responded to me then....

I feel bad for where I was back then because I genuinely thought I was going to make this all better. And things definitely got better. So many life improvements during that time... it just wasn't enough. What I thought I'd find just wasn't there.

Just as a side point, maybe there is a business opportunity in cards for people like us "Happy 10 year anniversary! I'm smiling in spite of everything I'm pushing deep inside so I don't break something"

[mylolita]

Hey Greg,

 

This is so hard on you, your wife, and your children. No one actively plans these situations. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect. I feel like from your posts, you have done plenty of self flagellation - on going also.

 

I don’t think you need to defend or explain too much the why you found yourself here - it just seems unfair considering the turmoil you are in already. It’s how you are moving forward that is the key here.

 

I agree with others - a frank, tender and completely heartfelt, honest conversation with your wife. And then deciding how you want to handle it as a couple going forward.

 

If you need time and space away in the form of an apartment, if it causes no alarm and doesn’t change your families lifestyle as you say; I don’t see any harm in that, as long as it is discussed with your wife, as you say you will anyway.

 

Best or luck, chin up, better times ahead for both yourself and your wife.

 

x

[Batya33]

Yes - no more self flagellation and at the same time accept that you married her under false pretenses -she thought you wanted to marry her for the right reasons and you knew you were not and you looked the other way from your big doubts and confusion and internal conflict. 

But yes this is not about you beating yourself up -tell yourself you wronged her - it's not really an "everyone makes mistakes" because you knew you were going into a marriage for the wrong reasons, and to make the wrong better, act in the best interests of your children and don't take up with this other woman or any woman until a year after your divorce is final -that way you devote all your time nand energy to working out the details, being as good a co-parent as you can be, and the time will help you grow in confidence about how you will make sure you don't give in to keeping blinders on when making commitment type relationship decisions.  Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

On 6/21/2022 at 2:45 PM, Greg40s said:

maybe there is a business opportunity in cards for people like us "Happy 10 year anniversary! I'm smiling in spite of everything I'm pushing deep inside so I don't break something"

That's very sad for both you and your wife as well as your children. Resenting this much, yet not having the courage to do anything about it.

[Greg40s]

18 hours ago, mylolita said:

I don’t think you need to defend or explain too much the why you found yourself here - it just seems unfair considering the turmoil you are in already. It’s how you are moving forward that is the key here.

Thank you so much for your compassion. I really appreciate it. 

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - no more self flagellation and at the same time accept that you married her under false pretenses -she thought you wanted to marry her for the right reasons and you knew you were not and you looked the other way from your big doubts and confusion and internal conflict. 

Yeah, I get this and I guess I accept it. I don't really see as false pretenses. I'm not even sure I see it entirely as a mistake even though I am where I am. I guess I go back and forth on that a bit. I didn't know exactly what it was supposed to be like when you marry someone. Maybe I have to feel it to know it and then I'll understand fully what the difference was. 

I can try to unravel that and I suppose it does inform where I am now but that was a long time ago and I can't go back. So it's what happens from here that matters now.

The whole situation frightens me. I have no sense of the future now. I don't know what it looks like or how it will work. Unless I just chose to suck it up and keep living like I do now. But I know I can't do that. 

Having some fearful days right now I guess. I think it's probably normal to fear the unknown, and I have lived the known for so long. Even if parts of it hurt, I could live it. 

(that sounds somewhat dramatic...)

[maritalbliss86]

On 6/19/2022 at 6:43 AM, Greg40s said:

As for my wife, I remember bringing this up at the time but my wife has a massive blind spot when it comes to our marriage. And this kept coming up during that year we were working through a lot of things. She is an eternal optimist and will almost always assume things are great. So almost every conversation would be a surprise to her, even if it followed a similar conversation a few days before. That definitely became a barrier eventually. 

I think this is the main problem.  You've brought up how you feel about the marriage many times, she plays dumb and shocked each time (that is NOT being optimist... Batya is right that it's playing games with you mentally, and being in denial about what you've told her... many times now).

She doesn't *want* to hear you.  She doesn't want to change anything longterm it sounds like.  

When you, "fixed," the marriage last time 3 years ago, it was *you* doing all the work right?  That isn't how things should be.  I believe BOTH partners should hear each other out, make changes if possible and meet each other's needs.  You alone can't fix your marriage by yourself... it's a partnership, and she's checked out mentally long ago.

That's my opinion though... I get it that people feel sorry for her.  

I don't feel sorry for men or women who are in denial and play mental games with their partners.  I think it's mean, passive aggressive, and puts the partner in a horrible situation where they feel like the villain because the partner who refuses to see reality constantly plays the victimized role to avoid having to actually DO anything to help the situation.  

Going to counseling so that those conversations can be mediated (which I think Batya suggested?) would help your wife to be forced to confront what she's being doing to you mentally for years now.  It's almost like gas-lighting you (which is mental abuse) when you've told her sooooo many times how you feel, what you'd like changed, and then she, "forgets," and, "gets emotional," forcing you to apologize for even bringing up your concerns and feelings?  That's not good OP... I do believe it's a form of mental abuse towards you in denying your reality and making you feel trapped.

[maritalbliss86]

On 6/20/2022 at 5:23 AM, Greg40s said:

No, none of these conversations have been had yet. I'm just trying to figure things out for myself right now so I know where I'm at first.

Of course all of this will need to be discussed with my wife. Nothing will be done without her

So what I've personally seen when a woman has essentially mentally blocked her husband's needs/desires is that they continue to react with shock and surprise again... even though you've been talking to her about this for *years* at this point off and on, how you've felt about the marriage etc.  

I'm guessing she's not going to be OK with you having an apartment for a trial separation.  And as soon as you tell her there's someone else you're attracted to, she's going to put all her energy in trying to prove you're already cheating physically and only got that apartment to be able to cheat easier 😞. 

Maybe you need to see a divorce attorney so you can make sure getting the apartment wouldn't just make her accusations easier?  Maybe try to plan out a long-term plan of how to exit this because with a person that is this in denial, it won't be easy and she will make you out to be the villain I think.

Again... that's not being an, "eternal optimist," an optimist is usually grounded in reality and prepares for things ahead and fixes things before they get this bad.

 You've given her those opportunities to hear you out repeatedly for years, but she's OK with your needs not being met.  It's not that she thinks nothing is wrong, you've told her repeatedly that something is very very wrong, it's that she doesn't care enough about your needs to actually do something or change.

Please update us on how she reacts... I'm curious to see if she'll make you out to be the villain again, claim this is a blindsiding etc.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Greg40s said:

eah, I get this and I guess I accept it. I don't really see as false pretenses

You said you married her despite not being sure you wanted to commit to her. Did she know all of that? If so, that's ok then.  Sounds like she didn't.  Yes change is scary.  I feel for you and I can relate. I had to end a 7 year on again off again relationship.  I loved him and thought so very highly of him and was never sure enough I wanted to marry him -he was sure he wanted to marry me -so tons of back and forth.  Partly I was scared to leave -I was 38, so badly wanted marriage and potential to have a child - and I couldn't get to the source of my core-shaking doubts. 

Now I know I should have walked away before having all the answers as the doubts were telling me all I needed to know.  I knew a lot more after our final break up - five months later I had an epiphany at kind of a random time - and had I not ended it I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be married now.  It's worth it to face the fear.  

[waffle]

It doesn't surprise me that your wife is not acknowledging the problems in your marriage, since it seems like her biggest fault is that she isn't someone else.

 

[Greg40s]

8 hours ago, waffle said:

It doesn't surprise me that your wife is not acknowledging the problems in your marriage, since it seems like her biggest fault is that she isn't someone else.

Ultimately, I guess this is true. She is a great person. I tried to find the connection here. I worked to create the situations that would ignite any feelings beyond just being great housemates. We both did. It's just not there. And for some, maybe what we have would be enough. It's certainly comfortable in so many ways - doing something about this because it's not enough will be far, far less comfortable and scary. But it's not enough. I think it's that simple. It has taken me far too long to realise that and I don't think I have quite come to terms with it even now. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Greg40s said:

Ultimately, I guess this is true. She is a great person. I tried to find the connection here. I worked to create the situations that would ignite any feelings beyond just being great housemates. We both did. It's just not there. And for some, maybe what we have would be enough. It's certainly comfortable in so many ways - doing something about this because it's not enough will be far, far less comfortable and scary. But it's not enough. I think it's that simple. It has taken me far too long to realise that and I don't think I have quite come to terms with it even now. 

 

That's fruitless work.  The work is when there is already the strong spark/connection whatever - but it has faded or been a bit buried by life's stresses whether it's parenting, caring for aging parents, heavy work stress- so you together -both committed to each other - revive the connection/spark -some by doing stuff together, others it's as simple as referencing inside jokes with a word or phrase, watching reruns of an old tv show, date night, whatever.  

She didn't need to do that sort of work -her work was trying to convince you that the connection she felt could be there for you too.  like an ex fiancee who told me "I know this is right - so that's good enough for both of us" something like that.  Nope.  It's exhausting to try to "win over" someone who is just not that into you so she probably went silent and "forgot" stuff you speak about because she gave up.

Nothing to come to terms with as you put it - you knew you didn't feel the way you should with Miss Right on Paper.  Been there, done that, my mom used our wedding invites to write phone messages on.  And wore her mother of the bride dress decades later for the first time to her granddaughter's wedding (not my child). The terms to come to are why you chose to settle - and that's important if you ever want to be in a committed relationship again s you don't make this mistake again.  It's not easy but it's worth it.  

 

[maritalbliss86]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's exhausting to try to "win over" someone who is just not that into you so she probably went silent and "forgot" stuff you speak about because she gave up.

See my theory is that she married him with this knowledge though.  

She knew he wasn't that into her before marriage... she knew he was very depressed and not in a good place.  Usually women can feel if a man isn't that into them and they're having to *drive* the relationship to the next step... constantly.

Being in denial, she chose to not, "see," all the red flags, and I'm sure he had many.  

Should they divorce over it?  I wouldn't recommend that myself, but this is a lot more than just him falling out of love.  He probably never was in love with her, and she married him anyway, and took this risk on of marrying someone she knew was in deep deep depression already, wasn't that into marriage and says it wasn't his idea - she decided it would be a GOOD idea to take him on, with all his flaws.  

Being in denial causes lots of problems for the one in denial.  My problem with it is that they rarely take responsibility for their choices, and expect *everyone* else to agree they're the victim of their choices.

 

[maritalbliss86]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's exhausting to try to "win over" someone who is just not that into you so she probably went silent and "forgot" stuff you speak about because she gave up.

I wonder if that's really the case here?  She sounds more passive than that.  

I think, to some degree, ignorance really can be a kind of bliss for people who choose denial...

so she is probably what he describes - very happy, and lives her life without a care in the world that he's extremely unhappy in their marriage.  

Would OP describe her as constantly trying to, "win him over," in the past or ever in their relationship?  I don't know?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

She knew he wasn't that into her before marriage... she knew he was very depressed and not in a good place.  Usually women can feel if a man isn't that into them and they're having to *drive* the relationship to the next step... constantly.

I understand your perspective.  A dear friend of mine -a woman -lied to herself about who she was marrying and you know I think he actually did love her a lot in his own way- and she claimed to be head over heels in love -and they married within 8 months of meeting.  I think she lied to herself about "flags" she saw as far as what married life/family life would be like.  Because she was desperate to be a married mother. 

I've seen this more than once -I almost did it too -whether it's choosing to ignore that you're convincing your partner to marry or choosing to ignore your own doubts and getting swept up in having the marital status and/or the wedding reception already paid for, etc, the lies they tell themselves win out over the truth.  So did she "know?"  Perhaps - but he knew she then was telling herself lies about what they were to each other. As an adult of course if she wants she can settle for a marital partner who's not that into her but the other person also has the responsibility to be transparent IMO.  

[mical]

So what’s really missing though? 

She sounds like a kind, happy, positive person. 

What do you wish she would be more like exactly? 

Or is it more that you are just not that into her? 

[mylolita]

I guess, as a side line observation, when you marry, you really need to marry because, this person absolutely knocks you off your feet, you would die for this person, and you can see your unborn children in their eyes.

 

I’m sorry to sound overly romantic or dramatic, but you need the obsessive lust, the romantic air, the, I need you or I can’t go on. Because, life throws so much at a couple - children, finances, illnesses, death, job loss, wealth, poverty - anything. You need that foundation just to make it through. You need all that passion and deep deep soul mate love but, at the same time, you also need them to be your best friend.

 

I know this doesn’t help you OP but it’s food for thought to anyone who is considering marriage and feels “not quite sure”!

 

x

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, mical said:

So what’s really missing though? 

She sounds like a kind, happy, positive person. 

What do you wish she would be more like exactly? 

 

You have to be in love Mical, and it sounds like they are both not in love; just love each other - which are two so different things.

 

Life is too short for a loveless marriage, but I guess everyone wants different things out of a relationship. I am always surprised by how varied other peoples expectations are regarding relationships!

 

x

[Greg40s]

2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Would OP describe her as constantly trying to, "win him over," in the past or ever in their relationship?  I don't know?

No, I wouldn't say that. Maybe right at the start. And I wouldn't say the love wasn't there completely so I didn't fully need to be won over - only when it got to discussions of marriage did I hit a barrier. And yes, that barrier was very clear at the time and I was kind of talked around it. That wasn't her fault - that was completely my fault. 

30 minutes ago, mical said:

So what’s really missing though? 

She sounds like a kind, happy, positive person. 

What do you wish she would be more like exactly? 

Or is it more that you are just not that into her? 

This is fair question. She is all those things. And there are far worse things in the world than spending your life with a friend. But it's not enough for me because...

28 minutes ago, mylolita said:

You have to be in love Mical, and it sounds like they are both not in love; just love each other - which are two so different things.

For me, this has been apparent for a long time, at least on my side. And what Mical asks above is relevant because I think the fact that I was lucky to have a kind person in my life was how I went so long before facing problem. 

I realise how stupid a lot of this must sound at times. A lot of it hasn't even made sense to me over the years, even though it's been there all that time - small at first and then becoming a larger issue. 

[maritalbliss86]

6 minutes ago, Greg40s said:

And yes, that barrier was very clear at the time and I was kind of talked around it. That wasn't her fault - that was completely my fault. 

I think, "fault," is something that isn't one-sided.  Most people probably get married for the wrong reasons, and then sort themselves out later on once they're mature enough to see what they did.  They either make more mistakes, like affairs in my opinion, or they self-correct and figure out how to either make it work well and passionately, or how to end it responsibly.

I do think you walked into something - chose a marriage - that ultimately harmed her in the long-run.  I can see both of you made serious mistakes in marrying each other.  I think going to counseling would be helpful to work through that choice - ... like why didn't you care that you were essentially preventing her from finding someone who would have maybe truly been uber passionate about her, by agreeing to marriage when you didn't really want it?  

Because marrying someone you're less than thrilled about ultimately takes them off the market for finding a better, more loving partner.  Her whole life will be altered negatively by this... that's something to ponder and work through on your side.

And I can also see how her pushing for marriage, talking you into it, it sounds like, was her forcing something she never should have forced, for both your sakes.  I can see how her being in denial, marrying for more than likely the wrong reasons, isn't working out the way she planned with you staying in your, "lane," and forcing happiness.  She would probably rather you pretend, like she does, that all is well.  When will you tell her that you're essentially falling in love with another woman?  

I just don't think people in denial usually take responsibility for their choices, which is maddening if you've ever had to deal with one 😕 .  So you will be painted as 100% at fault here (but please update us with her response to know if she is more adult about it!  I'd love to know!).  

Will she see that she chose this, with all your red flags and needing to be persuaded into marrying her?  

Will she see that she set up this marriage with a seriously depressed man, maybe expecting he'd change and suddenly be different from how he was when she dated him?  

Will she see that she's not willing to live out the consequences of hers and your choice, which basically are: you having affairs (even emotionally) on her?  I don't think she'll be able to, "see," any of that.  I think people like this take the easy way out and try to pin all the blame on the man/woman.  

[Greg40s]

1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

Because marrying someone you're less than thrilled about ultimately takes them off the market for finding a better, more loving partner.  Her whole life will be altered negatively by this... that's something to ponder and work through on your side.

...

When will you tell her that you're essentially falling in love with another woman?  

Yes, I get the effect of all this. I don't know what I can do with that but I get it. I spent years imagining a do-over. Playing out fantasies of what I would do differently. I spent far too long doing that before I tried to fix this some years ago. So I get it. But I'm also not going to fixate on what me in my 20s did because I can't change that. I don't even know that person. All I can do is control what I do from this moment. 

As for your other question, that one stopped me dead. I don't know if I'm near ready to call it that at all but I don't know if any distinction there hugely matters. I'm not saying this thought process is right and I'm not remotely suggesting that I don't tell her as part of all this but I have to say that, for me, it's not anywhere near the largest part of this picture. I know it won't be taken that way and it may not read this way from my first post but I'm not leaving my wife for another woman. I have no idea if this will even go anywhere and I have set boundaries so that, right now until I'm past sorting myself out, it won't. That could already be over essentially. The feelings and the confirmation it brought were just like a final piece of a puzzle for me. Every other issue would have remained without meeting this person. 

But as for when... I really don't know. I don't know what I'm doing and when yet.

[waffle]

So you're chasing an ideal rather than a specific person?  Okay.  And you seem to know you may never find it (there are no guarantees in life).  Let's assume you never find it and that you do end up alone, or with someone that it turns out is pretty awful after you get to know her and she divorces you and takes the other half of your money, will you regret divorcing your wife?