Sister Problem - She accused me of being a liar

[Seraphim]

Nothing I can do with any of that. You are determined to be mad and punish people including innocent kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I won’t bother any further . 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Nothing I can do with any of that. You are determined to be mad and punish people including innocent kids. 🤷🏻‍♀️
I won’t bother any further . 

My sister can thank herself for what she did to her kids.  In the future, she needs to watch her mouth so there won't be any consequences in the first place.  It's not rocket science.

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

My sister can thank herself for what she did to her kids.

How sad. 

These kids deserve more from the adults in their lives, and that includes you. Cutting them off because you're mad at their mom is frankly pretty immature and cruel. 

Poor kids. 

[Rose Mosse]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I don't have to do anything.  Her trail of text evidence was her own undoing.  She is the one who is suddenly humiliated.  It's so embarrassing for her that she was a deliberate no-show at the restaurant rendezvous which she organized several nights ago.  She didn't know how to save her face.  She fears my husband's wrath.  She place herself in her own jam with no way out.  Checkmate. 

 

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, my husband is very much in agreement with me.  Thank you, RoseMosse.  I have power.  My sister is at a very bad disadvantage.  She is the one who is very embarrassed and she knows she's toast.  She can't show her face to my in-laws, husband, sons, brother, mother, all of us.  She's running scared.  She also fears my husband's wrath.  Wherever my in-laws are, my husband is there because he's the eldest son and FIL passed away 4 months ago. 

My sister's scathing texts and emails as well as her husband's mouth problem finally caught up with them.  Their freeloading days are over, too because I told my sister to stop sponging off my brother and mother despite my sister's affluence. 

 

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Thank you, Batya33.

In the name of peace, I actually groveled to get back into my sister's good graces years ago despite NOT being at fault and being called a liar back then, too.  I did this so we could be invited to her house for Thanksgiving every year.  Turns out her holidays are crazy because she over invites.  It's not just family.  She invites friends, their girlfriends, boyfriends, neighbors, former neighbors, everybody and their brother.  It's not uncommon for her to host over 50 people at her house for what should've been a family holiday dinner.  We don't know anyone from Adam at her holiday house gatherings.  We're lumped with a bunch of strangers.  It's more work for me, more groceries to purchase, more cooking, more clean up.  No thanks!  A Norman Rockwell fantasy is way overrated.

This time, no more groveling.  It's the principle of the matter and I don't have to do anything.  I've told the truth.  I'm not apologizing.  She is the one who is humiliated because she doesn't have allies and she left a very damaging electronic trail. 

I even told her that she didn't have to believe me and told her that I have my husband, sons, best friends, brother, mother and in-laws who all believe me.  That's when she told me that I'll burn in hell for being a liar. 

I was called a liar in the past by my sister when I revealed to my sister that my cousin's husband pulled the back of my bra strap twice when they visited us long ago.  When I confronted my cousin about her husband's sexual harassment, she told me that 14 women experienced the same such as her mother, step mother, husband's niece, neighbor and friends who have since been permanently estranged from my cousin.  My sister called me a liar as usual.

Then my sister proceeded to invite only my in-laws to her house for dinner.  When my late FIL asked my husband if we were attending my sister's dinner gathering my husband told his father that we hadn't been invited.  (FIL passed away 4 months ago.) Then my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL) declined my sister's invitation much to her fury and we ended up meeting my in-laws at a local restaurant that evening.  During dinner, my MIL told me that as a 20 year old, she was almost raped in the stairwell at her workplace by none other than her boss!  That evening, she told her mother and grandmother.  They told her that MIL was a liar!  They told her that her boss is the pillar of the community, a deacon at their church and this assault never happened.  MIL could relate to me.  Everyone knows that I'm NOT a liar.  They can all vouch for me including my brother and mother - same with husband, sons, best friends).

My sister was angry at me for plucking my in-laws out of her dinner party plans but she discovered that blood is thicker than water.  Their son, my husband takes top priority in their lives over my sister.  My husband is always part of the package deal.  She cannot socialize with my in-laws without my husband's presence.   With my husband's presence, my sister runs the risk of a confrontation from my husband which he fears.  She does not want him to tell her not to call his wife a liar.  He's tough and he doesn't take any guff.  He will outsmart her.  He's not the one to be dealt with.

I'm not doing anything.  My sister is the one who dug a deeper hole for herself and pounded the final nail in her own coffin.  Her downfall was her own undoing.  Her actions caused her to feel so embarrassed and humiliated that she couldn't face everyone at the restaurant rendezvous which she organized several nights ago.  She put herself in a jam she can't get out of.  Checkmate!

 

 

Are you feeling better now that your sister didn’t join at the restaurant? It seems to have meant a great deal as you’ve interpreted it as “checkmate” or her losing face or fearing the wrath of your husband. 

All this anger goes way back to when you bought her a new car at 16 and she was ungrateful, you grovelled and tried to have a relationship with her later and she called you a liar. It seems to me you’re angry because your sister rejected you multiple times when you wanted a relationship with her. 

I can’t help but think one day all these people won’t be around. You may outlive your husband and there’s no wrath of husband to vindicate you or defend your honour. Do you really want to look back on life and see that you spent so much time and energy on someone who just isn’t worth it? The relationship with your sister seems dead to me. There’s no relationship with your sister anymore. She isn’t going to family dinners and it appears neither are you. If you don’t want them at family gatherings don’t invite her. No need to grovel either anymore or “reveal” anything of your feelings or knowledge to her. I suggested therapy not as an insult earlier although you dismissed it. This kind of long standing anger only has detrimental and damaging effects on you and your mental health and your body. 

I’m sorry you lost that relationship with your sibling because she called you a liar. I think her actions speak for themselves. Hopefully this will blow over and you won’t feel so guarded or angry towards someone who just isn’t a significant part of your life any longer. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I get it--she has her reasons. Of course she does. But looking in from the outside, and with distance from the problem, it just seems like a lot of extra energy to nurture hate. It's gotta take a toll on a person.

Actually, I get to coast.  It's my sister who is in a jam.  She's too afraid to show her face because she knows she's toast.  She put herself in a bad pickle.

Indeed, it seems effortless on your part. 

[melancholy123]

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I get it--she has her reasons. Of course she does. But looking in from the outside, and with distance from the problem, it just seems like a lot of extra energy to nurture hate. It's gotta take a toll on a person.

It did take a toll on me, wondering about all these relatives I never got to meet.  In the past few yrs I have met a cousin I never knew I had (on my dad's side) and made contact with several others, one of whom doesn't live far away.  We do plan to meet.

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How sad. 

These kids deserve more from the adults in their lives, and that includes you. Cutting them off because you're mad at their mom is frankly pretty immature and cruel. 

Poor kids. 

I agree.  Yes, how sad.

She owes me an apology and then everything will be fine. 

She also needs to learn that you can't lash out just because you don't agree with people.  She needs to learn decorum and tact. 

Her better response should've been something like this:  "I can't handle the truth and your truth is tarnishing the fantasy image of the father I knew.  I really don't care what he did to mother.  What he did and how she suffered doesn't matter to me."   That right there is a very honest answer and that type of answer would've sufficed because it's very humble.  Not:  "You will burn in hell because you're a liar." That's not the way to treat people.  When you treat people badly with your reaction and it's very aggressive as if you're a rabid dog, it won't be received well.  People don't want to be with you anymore.  Lashing out impulsively is a very spoiled attitude because you're not thinking about consequences.   

I've already let her in back in my life numerous times.  I don't want to be with people when they're always eyeing me with suspicion.  It's uncomfortable and awkward to play charades. My husband isn't comfortable either.  My husband and I don't enjoy feeling nervous and tense during social settings.  We prefer to be with people in a relaxed atmosphere which is universal.

During social settings, just like anyone else, I prefer to be surrounded with love, with people who don't act like animals, people who possess social graces and treat everyone with good manners.  I don't want any bad apples in the mix. 

Then on top of that, there is my sister's husband.  He's insanely possessive and jealous whenever my sister engages in a conversation with anyone so he deliberately and constantly interrupts her.  This is maddening.  Should she give attention or compliment anyone but her husband, then her husband becomes furious by going after the person she is complimenting by saying something very mean, unkind and cruel.  Examples:  "You make ugly quilts."  "Your embroidered, framed in glass wall picture you gave as a housewarming gift will make a good doormat.  Don't forget to wipe your dirty shoes on it."  As I sat down to eat at 11PM at a hospital cafeteria where my sister gave birth, he asked me, "Did you PAY for your food?"  When my husband and I gave my sister a generous IHOP gift card for her birthday, he said, "Ewww.  Who would want to eat there?"  When my sister congratulated my husband upon his promotion, her husband said to in front of everyone, "So what?"  Then when we've told her husband to keep his mouth closed, she always defended her meal ticket because she's just a housewife without job skills and her husband makes a lot of money.  He wears the pants in his family.  

It's uncomfortable and awkward to be with her husband, too.  He has a mouth problem and every time we socialize, he says something abnormal and mean.  

My sister wasn't this way with her first husband whom she was married to for only 8 months.  Her first husband was nice to me and my husband.  Also, her personality was normal and nicer overall.  The reason why she divorced her first husband was because my brother told her husband something about her late father which was a bombshell.  She called her husband and my brother liars back then, too.  When she confronted my mother about the bombshell, my mother confessed that it was true.  My mother gets a free pass and my sister never tells my mother that she'll burn in hell for lying.  Now, my mother has dementia so only my brother and me remain. 

All she had to do was tell me that she can't handle the truth, she really doesn't care what her father did to her mother and doesn't care how she suffered.  Not: "You'll burn in hell because you're a liar."  Her venomous reactions will come back to haunt her so hopefully, if she wants better outcomes, she needs to word everything carefully in the first place. 

 

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

 

Are you feeling better now that your sister didn’t join at the restaurant? It seems to have meant a great deal as you’ve interpreted it as “checkmate” or her losing face or fearing the wrath of your husband. 

All this anger goes way back to when you bought her a new car at 16 and she was ungrateful, you grovelled and tried to have a relationship with her later and she called you a liar. It seems to me you’re angry because your sister rejected you multiple times when you wanted a relationship with her. 

I can’t help but think one day all these people won’t be around. You may outlive your husband and there’s no wrath of husband to vindicate you or defend your honour. Do you really want to look back on life and see that you spent so much time and energy on someone who just isn’t worth it? The relationship with your sister seems dead to me. There’s no relationship with your sister anymore. She isn’t going to family dinners and it appears neither are you. If you don’t want them at family gatherings don’t invite her. No need to grovel either anymore or “reveal” anything of your feelings or knowledge to her. I suggested therapy not as an insult earlier although you dismissed it. This kind of long standing anger only has detrimental and damaging effects on you and your mental health and your body. 

I’m sorry you lost that relationship with your sibling because she called you a liar. I think her actions speak for themselves. Hopefully this will blow over and you won’t feel so guarded or angry towards someone who just isn’t a significant part of your life any longer. 

Well, yes, I feel better because she's the one who dug a deeper hole for herself.  She is the one who shot herself in the foot.

When a person is extremely generous such as giving her my car for free on her 16th birthday and showered her with lots of money, handmade sewn gifts for her house, store bought gifts for her children and her, more money for her children and family, pricey gift cards, cooking and cleaning for her large home parties and always being a good sport, yes, I deserve to be treated with special respect.  I also took care of my younger siblings while my mother was employed outside the home lest she forgets.  When my mother became a young widow, I financially contributed to the family to put food on the table.  Yes, I deserve special status in her life because I'm not just some random girlfriend who suddenly popped up in her adult life.  I've paid my dues.  She was very helped by me along the way in order to arrive at this stage in her life.  She didn't grow up all by herself.  Becoming a mealy mouthed ungrateful spoiled brat is unacceptable. 

Be careful with your words otherwise it will come back to haunt you. 

I've already told her that it was ok not to believe me and she could've left it at that instead of telling me to go burn in hell because I'm a liar.  She didn't need to add that extra aggressive attack.  I gave her an out and instead of her simply saying "ok" she had to smash it to bits instead and now she made her bed and must lie in it.

 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Indeed, it seems effortless on your part. 

Very effortless.  Thank you, Jibralta.

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

It did take a toll on me, wondering about all these relatives I never got to meet.  In the past few yrs I have met a cousin I never knew I had (on my dad's side) and made contact with several others, one of whom doesn't live far away.  We do plan to meet.

That's good, melancholy.  Other generations can do workarounds but it doesn't mean the rest of us should prance around pretending to be one big happy family in a Norman Rockwell fantasy.  It's not going to work.

[melancholy123]

31 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

That's good, melancholy.  Other generations can do workarounds but it doesn't mean the rest of us should prance around pretending to be one big happy family in a Norman Rockwell fantasy.  It's not going to work.

You dont need to worry so much about what others are thinking.  Spend your energy on yourself.  I dont know anyone who has a Norman Rockwell life, that's all just fantasy.

[Cherylyn]

21 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You dont need to worry so much about what others are thinking.  Spend your energy on yourself.  I dont know anyone who has a Norman Rockwell life, that's all just fantasy.

This is what enforced boundaries are. 

[Cherylyn]

Recently my sister told me that my mother had several surgeries unbeknownst to me.  She told me after the fact which was approximately several months post-op.  Deceiving is the same as lying to you.  My sister took it upon herself to arrange the surgeons, date, time, location, drove and picked up my mother months apart while I am the one who lives the closest to my mother.  I'm about a half an hour's drive from my mother whereas my sister is over an hour's drive away from my mother's house.  I thought it was awfully sneaky of her to bypass me and she kept me completely in the dark.   

[Jibralta]

18 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

It did take a toll on me, wondering about all these relatives I never got to meet.  In the past few yrs I have met a cousin I never knew I had (on my dad's side) and made contact with several others, one of whom doesn't live far away.  We do plan to meet.

It happened in my family, too. I lost touch with most of my dad's family when I was a little kid. It was a result of my parents' divorce. I didn't see it coming, and I didn't realize what happened until decades later. Those people vanished from my life, and all their kids and grandkids with them. It's sad. 

[Lambert]

15 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Recently my sister told me that my mother had several surgeries unbeknownst to me.  She told me after the fact which was approximately several months post-op.  Deceiving is the same as lying to you.  My sister took it upon herself to arrange the surgeons, date, time, location, drove and picked up my mother months apart while I am the one who lives the closest to my mother.  I'm about a half an hour's drive from my mother whereas my sister is over an hour's drive away from my mother's house.  I thought it was awfully sneaky of her to bypass me and she kept me completely in the dark.   

When I think of the toxic people that have been in my life (I try to limit them) there's always tons of examples of their bs and abuse. I know that I have forgiven and I've overlooked many things until one day, that's it. I'm just done.

I know you saved all the evidence but honestly you don't need that. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.  you are completely in control of your life and who you allow in it.

When the topic of someone I've decided to avoid comes up to a mutual person or just as a topic, I don't add more drama. I don't explain what happened.  I don't try to convince people what I already know. 

You don't need anyone's permission to feel how you feel, to live how you choose to live, or any other decision.

Take time to let emotions cool. By that I mean try to focus on other things. live in the now. If there is an  upcoming event that you don't want to attend, cross that bridge when you come to it. 

It's human nature to want to have a plan for everything, an if, than statement, to live very black and white.  You've also got a little of the momma bear coming out, trying to protect your hubs and other loved ones. 

This is all understandable. I just encourage you to try to push it away from your thoughts.  Not let it go,  but let it be can be very powerful. Don't allow this situation to take more pleasure from you.  cross the bridge when it comes, as I said. 

She's a toxic person. She going to do toxic crap. Rise above it. Be an observer, not a participant. it's not easy but try... I think in the long run, you'll feel like you did what you needed to do for your own sanity and that is reason enough. Everything else is just drama that will gray your hair.  ((hugs))

[redsox22]

It comes across as a lot of energy spent on this situation and your relationship with your sister, at your own expense. You keep saying you don't need to do anything. You are right. You don't. But yet you are spending a considerable amount of time here with lengthy explanations and going back and forth with others.  To what end?  You don't need us to agree.  You don't need our approval. You have your plans set.  

For your own health and sanity and peace I would say stop giving any of it any energy or time.  Truly do nothing. Let it go and live your life. Find peace.

[maritalbliss86]

2 hours ago, redsox22 said:

It comes across as a lot of energy spent on this situation and your relationship with your sister, at your own expense. You keep saying you don't need to do anything. You are right. You don't. But yet you are spending a considerable amount of time here with lengthy explanations and going back and forth with others.  To what end?  You don't need us to agree.  You don't need our approval. You have your plans set.  

For your own health and sanity and peace I would say stop giving any of it any energy or time.  Truly do nothing. Let it go and live your life. Find peace.

I agree she doesn't need anyone's approval.

 Most seem to be pointing out that she can just ignore this sister and rise above it. Continue on and let it go basically.

I think trying to get her in-laws and husband to close ranks against the sister so that she and her kids can't come around anymore is the issue people are seeing that just seems vengeful and unnecessary.

 

[maritalbliss86]

The kids already have two crappy sounding parents....  Why prevent them from getting to see and experience normal loving relatives, is my line of thinking.

[redsox22]

6 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I agree she doesn't need anyone's approval.

 Most seem to be pointing out that she can just ignore this sister and rise above it. Continue on and let it go basically.

I think trying to get her in-laws and husband to close ranks against the sister so that she and her kids can't come around anymore is the issue people are seeing that just seems vengeful and unnecessary.

 

Maritalbliss- I absolutely agree. Not sure what OP hopes to gain from all this energy put towards the situation.  It does seem vengeful and unnecessary. She has a problem with her sister as stated in her title of the post- and she has come to a resolution she feels comfortable with. It seems many of us would choose a different resolution but it is hers to decide.  I am just not sure why OP has the need to keep going around and around about it. 

 

[Cherylyn]

A few years ago, I suggested to my sister: "Let's have lunch together with mother and daughters and wouldn't it be nice if we can meet regularly such as once a month given that we all reside locally?"  Upon hearing my suggestion on the phone, she shot back with this:  "MY relationship with mother has NOTHING  to do with you!" I had never forgotten.

Be careful what you wish for.  You just might get it.  😐

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Lambert said:

When I think of the toxic people that have been in my life (I try to limit them) there's always tons of examples of their bs and abuse. I know that I have forgiven and I've overlooked many things until one day, that's it. I'm just done.

I know you saved all the evidence but honestly you don't need that. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.  you are completely in control of your life and who you allow in it.

When the topic of someone I've decided to avoid comes up to a mutual person or just as a topic, I don't add more drama. I don't explain what happened.  I don't try to convince people what I already know. 

You don't need anyone's permission to feel how you feel, to live how you choose to live, or any other decision.

Take time to let emotions cool. By that I mean try to focus on other things. live in the now. If there is an  upcoming event that you don't want to attend, cross that bridge when you come to it. 

It's human nature to want to have a plan for everything, an if, than statement, to live very black and white.  You've also got a little of the momma bear coming out, trying to protect your hubs and other loved ones. 

This is all understandable. I just encourage you to try to push it away from your thoughts.  Not let it go,  but let it be can be very powerful. Don't allow this situation to take more pleasure from you.  cross the bridge when it comes, as I said. 

She's a toxic person. She going to do toxic crap. Rise above it. Be an observer, not a participant. it's not easy but try... I think in the long run, you'll feel like you did what you needed to do for your own sanity and that is reason enough. Everything else is just drama that will gray your hair.  ((hugs))

Thank you, Lambert.  Oh yes I need to save all proof and evidence permanently.  It's all been saved, backed up in my computer, on my phone, forwarded to my husband, saved and backed up on his phone, his computer and elsewhere.  Everything she wrote is the smoking gun.  In the past, I naively deleted her messages only for her to come back and tell me again, that I will burn in hell because I'm a liar.  This time, I'm ready to instantly and immediately whip out all the proof and evidence should she try to pull another fast one on me. 

A few years ago, I suggested to my sister: "Let's have lunch together with mother and daughters and wouldn't it be nice if we can meet regularly such as once a month given that we all reside locally?"  Upon hearing my suggestion on the phone, she shot back with this:  "MY relationship with mother has NOTHING  to do with you!" I had never forgotten.

Be careful what you wish for.  You just might get it.  😐

 

[Cherylyn]

38 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

Maritalbliss- I absolutely agree. Not sure what OP hopes to gain from all this energy put towards the situation.  It does seem vengeful and unnecessary. She has a problem with her sister as stated in her title of the post- and she has come to a resolution she feels comfortable with. It seems many of us would choose a different resolution but it is hers to decide.  I am just not sure why OP has the need to keep going around and around about it. 

 

What goes around comes around.

[Cherylyn]

42 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

The kids already have two crappy sounding parents....  Why prevent them from getting to see and experience normal loving relatives, is my line of thinking.

Yes, unfortunately, there is collateral damage.  In this life, there are always consequences for one's actions. 

There are workarounds for other generations if they wish to see each other.  However, it doesn't mean the rest of us need to be lumped together under uncomfortable, awkward, irritating false pretenses.

[Cherylyn]

48 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I agree she doesn't need anyone's approval.

 Most seem to be pointing out that she can just ignore this sister and rise above it. Continue on and let it go basically.

I think trying to get her in-laws and husband to close ranks against the sister so that she and her kids can't come around anymore is the issue people are seeing that just seems vengeful and unnecessary.

 

It's time to enforce boundaries.  After years of abuse and endless forgiveness, there comes a point where you say, "No more and enough already.  Either possess social graces, mind your manners and be kind or we're out."  No deal. 

[Cherylyn]

9 hours ago, Jibralta said:

It happened in my family, too. I lost touch with most of my dad's family when I was a little kid. It was a result of my parents' divorce. I didn't see it coming, and I didn't realize what happened until decades later. Those people vanished from my life, and all their kids and grandkids with them. It's sad. 

Yes it is sad.  If people are careful with what they say and write, there wouldn't be any consequences in the first place.