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Sister Problem - She accused me of being a liar


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16 hours ago, Lambert said:

I still don't understand why your sister has to be invited to be with your in laws. 

Just because she lives nearby?

Do you invite her? Do your in laws invite her?

If they are your allies, why would they invite her?

In your shoes, I would sever ties with my sister, except for my mom's care. Tell her flat out, I only want to hear from you if it is regarding mom.

It's very painful to fight with siblings. I know. but if she's just going to spew anger all over you, you have to set strong boundaries. Talk to your therapist how.  There are times in life where you just have to walk alone and allow others to decide for themselves what they want to do. (meaning hubs, kids, in laws, siblings etc do what they think is right for them) 

My parent doesn't talk to one of their siblings. As a result my siblings & I have no contact with that family. Is it a little messed up? yes. It is. but I'm a grown up. I am not a people pleaser...  I choose to stand by my parent. They are my priority. I can talk to and see who I chose.

Figure out your priorities and the rest will fall in line. You can't control the world.  You have to choose what matters to you and live your life true to you.  No one else. 

when you live for you and allow others to live for them it gets easier. Now if your hubs has a problem, you gotta work together.  He is your life partner. you work together for you and your kids. What you two agree is best is best. that's it. 

Thank you, Lambert.

The reason why my in-laws are lumped together with my side of the family is because we all reside locally and my in-laws are rather fond of my sister and her children.  This irks my husband and me.  My sister or mother generally invite my in-laws to restaurant or house gatherings for various celebrations, holidays and such. 

We will no longer celebrate holidays together such as Thanksgiving.  We will revert to going to my in-laws' house for holiday gatherings.  Separation is a godsend.

My husband has my back and will shut my sister down.  I defer to him.  My sister fears my husband's wrath and this is why she canceled her appearance at the restaurant several nights ago. 

My sister's texts to me were saved and backed up.  She fears that I'll share her "liar" texts with our mutual family members and it irritates her that I have a dozen allies whereas she only has her husband as her ally.  He has major mouth problems (obnoxiously rude to her and everyone else).  He's an _________.

My sister is very well aware of the damaging texts she had written.  It's all saved, backed up and permanently available for sharing, forwarding and kept on record forever.  In the past, she wrote scathing comments to my husband which he saved and backed up.  He can always show these scathing texts to his sister and mother which will cause them to alienate my sister immediately. 

Severing ties to my sister is my preference.  No one disrespects me and gets away with it.  

My sister said that a therapist is the ONLY one who can tell me whether or not I was telling the truth about her dead father.  She needs to go soak her head.

Thank you, enforcing boundaries will be my safety net and creates a protective bubble for myself.

 

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27 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Thank you, Rose Mosse.  I don't need therapy.  My stories are the same exact stories as my brother's and mother's.  My brother and mother's stories all match with mine. 

There is no lying on my part whatsoever.  

My sister only remembers sitting on her late father's lap as a small child and singing songs together.  I tarnished her image of her sweet late father by telling her the truth that he was a violent, chain smoking alcoholic.  She couldn't handle the truth.  Therefore, instead of telling me she couldn't handle the truth, it was easier for her to go into denial mode and hence, label me as a bald faced liar who will burn in hell for it.  Her words, not mine.

My sister said that ONLY a therapist can tell me whether or not I'm telling the truth.  That right there IS gaslighting.  Gaslighting is forcing you to change your perception of the facts.  Deflecting is another tactic of gaslighting.  She does all of it.  Gaslighting is manipulative psychological warfare.  My sister is the expert master at gaslighting.  I have an entire text thread of her gaslighting. 

Actually, yes, my husband has my back, will tell my sister not to call his wife a liar and will shut her down.  I'll defer to him because it's more effective to have her face my husband's wrath.  She fears my husband and this is why she canceled her attendance at the restaurant several nights ago.  She fears my allies.  She fears her texts will be shared with everyone.  She left a very damaging electronic trail. 

My in-laws (MIL and SIL) are fond of my sister and her children.  This is why both families are combined during social gatherings and we all reside locally.  My sister wrote a scathing text to my husband in the past.  He has since saved and backed up all of my sister's scathing texts to him.  One of these days, he will show his sister and mother all of these scathing texts to him from my sister.  My in-laws will alienate my sister after they discover what she wrote about their brother and son. 

None of us need to be lumped together.  My in-laws have a large house where we gather for holidays or special occasions.  My husband, sons and I can always go there.  Since my mother and brother are local, I can be with them anytime on my own time and terms.  We can all separate two family trees which will be enforced, healthy boundaries.

You don’t want your side mixing with your husband’s side and that’s fine. That’s what it boils down to. Keep distancing yourself. As long as you and your husband are in agreement it makes things easier. 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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16 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Hurt people hurt people.

Her childhood as she knew it becomes a lie in a moment.  That's a lot to unpack.  Someone pointed out perfectly that she's regressed to a child and acting out.

Rather than merely focusing on the insult of being called a liar consider having some compassion for her.  If her acting out is a measure of her pain, then she must be in a very dark place. Her denial appears desperate.  Think about that for a moment.

Certainly not to this degree but I found out some things about my father that rocked my view of my childhood.  It took a long time to unwind, grieve the loss of my illusion and regroup.  My childhood in so many ways seemed like a lie at the time.  Again, it wasn't near the picture you painted.  I can only multiply that times 100 and I can walk in your sister's shoes.  Not to say I agree with the way in which she is handling it.  But I can understand her pain and confusion.

She's the common denominator here with the list of family members you describe.  If you look around you, you are not alone and have plenty of family support.  Your experience is not debatable, be confident in that and conduct your life accordingly.

So, step back and give her plenty of room to process this.  Remind yourself that she is grieving.  Even though it's difficult try not to take it personally and let this run its course.

 

Thank you, reinventmyself.

I don't have compassion for my sister.  In the past, she fought dirty by forwarding my texts to my husband, forwarded my emails to my cousin and sister-in-law (SIL), left messages for my son on my house's landline phone number and deliberately caused discord within my own household which was unforgivable.  

I can always retaliate.  She wrote some scathing comments to my husband in the past which he saved and backed up.  At anytime, he is ready to show these scathing texts to his sister and mother.  SIL and MIL are rather fond of my sister and her children.  They will alienate my sister and her family if they find out that she wrote scathing texts to their brother and son.  It will strike a nerve with them. 

I've done a lot for my sister.  I gave her my car for her 16th birthday.  I toiled working night shift for several years to pay off that car which I gave her for free.  I've given her very expensive gifts, expensive gift cards, handmade gifts and went above and beyond.  She acts like a mealy mouthed spoiled ungrateful brat.

She's in a very unhappy marriage.  Her husband isn't good to her.  He's disrespectful and obnoxiously rude to her, their children and everyone else.  No one is spared.  You sleep with dogs, you wake up with fleas.  She is corrupt and tainted courtesy of her despicable husband.  She doesn't leave him because he makes a lot of money. 

My husband has my back and he will shut her down.  My sister fears my husband's wrath.  She fears the fact that I have a dozen allies while she has none.  Her "liar" texts sorely backfired and it wasn't the result she was expecting.  She fears my husband so much that she canceled her attendance to the restaurant several nights ago.  She is the one who arranged this family gathering yet she was a no-show.  She abruptly changed the restaurant venue twice, canceled and didn't show up.  She is very flaky and crazy. 

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13 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Beautifully said, and I wish that I had sounded as kind with you, Cherylyn.

No other members of your family, or your friends, or even us, are trying to invalidate your feelings--either about your history or about your sister's reaction.

We are simply suggesting that, instead of harming yourself with your own reactivity, you channel your reaction into a less charged response that can see beyond your immediate injury to the source of everyone's injury. 

Sister reacted poorly. And it's understandable that this has hurt you. So we suggest that you do not hurt your SELF further by turning sister's reaction into some larger imagined harm that she does not own the power to cause you.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll feel better soon.

Thank you, catfeeder. 

I'll defer to my husband who has my back and will shut her down. 

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6 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I'm so sorry. Damn, you do not deserve to be the punching bag for her intro into the reality of abuse in your family. It's a kill the messenger situation, you know. Your mom should have stepped up long ago. Your brother. But nope, it all falls to you, because you are the only one with the balls to really say it. I know, I know, they wrestle with their demons too. But damn. This is all because they just kept trying to stay quiet, and your brother still is! It could be as simple as him telling her, hey, this happened. Be angry all you want. Cherylyn is not the enemy here though, we  just suffered abuse. 

It makes me feel so badly for you! It's so important to be seen and the Truth to be seen and said, especially where someone has known abuse. Truth and honesty and openness is the light that helps clean the wounds, darkness breeds the pain and infections grow. 

I think you should go. Go to the family events. Don't tip toe either. Go in and own the place. Cause honestly?? You haven't done anything wrong. She needed to know. Now, she's going to do with it what she wants, and she might just crawl into a cave and pretend this never happened. Not the abuse, not her lashing out. You can respect that while also not letting her bullshyte change your life. You just go and know, know everyone there is watching you and your cues. You set the tone. They just are cruising, friend. Sucks, and also, means you again are called to lead this ship whether you ever asked for this or not. Sometimes it falls on the strongest, and you are that. And people often take that for granted, forget the strong can be vulnerable and hurt too, and need that extra support. 

I know you value family, harmony, your character very much. She went against that and it hurts, she went right for the heart. But she doesn't mean it, she's embarrassed... Give her an out. You can do it. 

Thank you, itsallgrand.

Yes, it is kill the messenger situation indeed.

If I do decide to resume attending various family gatherings, at first I'll decline and stay home while deferring to my husband.  He has my back and will shut her down which my sister fears.  She fears knowing that I have a dozen allies whereas she has none. 

She does not have an out.  She's hosed or toast.

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4 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

Dont give sis the power to make you miserable.  Rise above her comments and live your life as you see fit.  Dont let her keep you from your relatives and friends.  Nobody should have that power over anyone.

Thank you melancholy123.

Nonetheless, it's time to enforce strong, steadfast, unwavering boundaries.  I need to feel safe and create a protective bubble. 

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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

She is just plain Toxic!  Yeah, you avoid those.... sounds like she, herself has some issue's deep down maybe?

Either way, I say do as you please.  Get out there with your family ( hubby and the kids).  As for her, just ignore all her bs.  Do not bother reacting or going at her anymore... As I said, it's Toxic! No good for you - as she seems quite unreasonable and you can't win with ppl like this.

For your own sanity, the less you deal with these people the better!

You do know the truth and if this is how she reacts to it, so be it.  Some people can't handle the truth.  Not your problem... and like I said, don't bother trying to 'prove' anything.  Ignore and don't react to her at all.

 

Thank you, SooSad33. 

I appreciated your kind words very much.

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49 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Ok, so this is the reason why you're arming yourself with all this. 

I was wondering why you were approaching this like you were about to present evidence to the jury. But I also wonder if turning everyone against her is really going to help you - or make the problem worse in the long run and create further divisions. 

Is the problem for you that she called you a liar, or that her memories of your dad are not the same as yours? In kindness, you can't change her memory. Her memories are hers, and not yours to re-program. Yes, that is frustrating. But it doesn't invalidate your experience of his abuse. I also don't think it will bring you peace to try to invalidate her experience of him. 

I get why her recent behaviour is hurtful. But it is also clear you are very resentful of her in general, and seem angry that people like her: 

Why would that be the world's business to see? Who would want the world to know about their marital problems? 

I point this out because this recent episode seems to be triggering a landslide of other, deeper hostilities that are actually not related to her calling you a liar. The state of her marriage is not relevant to that. It might be best if you focus on the issue at hand, rather than letting other periphery matters eat away at you. 

 

My MIL and SIL are fond of my sister and her children.  We all reside locally.  This is the reason why both sides of the family tree are lumped together which is annoying.  It was better to be as it was long ago with both sides celebrating special occasions or holidays separately.  All of this co-mingling is rather irritating.

I don't like the fact that my sister says scathing comments to me and my husband while getting to enjoy being with my in-laws who are absolutely clueless regarding her true colors.  We do not appreciate the hypocrisy of the "one big happy family" pretense.  My husband is about to change that.  My sister wrote scathing texts to my husband awhile ago which he saved and backed up.  This is unrelated to her recent "liar" texts to me.  At any given moment, my husband is armed and ready to show these damaging texts to his sister and mother.  My SIL and MIL will alienate my sister as soon as they find out what she wrote about their son and brother. 

The next time my husband sees my sister at whatever venue, he'll have my back and will shut her down.  She fears my husband's wrath.  This is why she suddenly canceled her appearance at the restaurant several nights ago. 

I'm angry that my in-laws like her without knowing my sister's true disdainful character which will be revealed very soon.  My sister does not get to enjoy the perks of having my in-laws in her social life while treating my husband and me very badly behind their backs which is grossly unfair.  It's time for this charade to end.

Not that it's an excuse but my sister's ire also stems from her miserable marriage and personal life.  She lives in a big, fancy house with a husband who doesn't treat her with respect, dignity and honor.  This is one of the reasons why her reactions are always so harsh and aggressive as opposed to communicating with emotional intelligence, grace, finesse and her interpersonal skills which is sorely lacking.  You sleep with dogs, you wake up with fleas.  She will never dissolve her marriage because money talks.  Her husband is a great provider, makes a ton of money and she's not about to give up on her moneyed lifestyle.  He's still a jerk and an __________ though.

My brother is emotionally intelligent.  He knows how to treat people with respect.  My sister is the polar opposite of my brother which is a shame. 

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43 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

At any given moment, my husband is armed and ready to show these damaging texts to his sister and mother.  My SIL and MIL will alienate my sister as soon as they find out what she wrote about their son and brother. 

Do you feel this will bring you happiness? 

What are you going to do if they don't immediately alienate her? You would be wise to consider the alternative to the very black-and-white scenario you're hoping for. 

47 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

She lives in a big, fancy house with a husband who doesn't treat her with respect, dignity and honor. 

Maybe so. But her marriage is none of your business. If she prefers to stay married for money, well, so be it. A lot of people do. That's her problem. You're letting that bother you way too much. 

Create whatever boundaries you need with your sister. Just don't expect that everyone else will necessarily want the same ones with her, or you might be disappointed. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you feel this will bring you happiness? 

What are you going to do if they don't immediately alienate her? You would be wise to consider the alternative to the very black-and-white scenario you're hoping for. 

Maybe so. But her marriage is none of your business. If she prefers to stay married for money, well, so be it. A lot of people do. That's her problem. You're letting that bother you way too much. 

Create whatever boundaries you need with your sister. Just don't expect that everyone else will necessarily want the same ones with her, or you might be disappointed. 

My MIL and SIL won't like my sister if they knew the scathing texts to my husband which is saved and backed up.  In this regard, blood is thicker than water.  It would be fair considering the true identity of my sister's character will be revealed to my in-laws.  It's unfair to my husband and me that my sister gets to enjoy a relationship with my in-laws under false pretenses.  They should know how she really is whenever it isn't a social environment.  There are consequences to her accusing me of lying.  She is skating on thin ice at the moment and she fears my husband's wrath in person because since I'm deferring to him, he has my back and will shut her down.  This is why she cowardly fled and was a no-show at the restaurant recently when she is the one who organized the event after impulsively changing the venue twice within two days! 

This event was to celebrate graduations in her family.  Normally, I'm very generous monetarily by giving a lot of money to her children.  This time, there were no gifts, no cards, no acknowledgments from my husband and me.  Despite my generosity through the years, she and her husband never reciprocated despite their wealth.  They are tightwads. 

Well, actually yes, she made her marriage my business because her husband has said some zingers (numerous inappropriate comments) to my husband, sons, my brother and me.  Then she defended her husband because she didn't want to jeopardize losing her meal ticket.   She's just a housewife, has no job skills and heavily dependent upon her sole breadwinner husband.  We got involved in her sham of a marriage by default.

It will bring me happiness to go back to how we were in the first place which is separate family socializing and gatherings with two separate family trees as opposed to co-mingling.  It's more pleasant, less complicated, less work and with certain difficult personalities out of the picture, a much happier, more harmonious, simple life. 

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Posted (edited)

She also was a no-show because I admonished her for always expecting others to pay for her and her family's meals at every restaurant rendezvous.  She never pays despite organizing and hosting events to celebrate her family's occasions (graduation celebrations, birthdays, etc for example).  My mother or brother end up picking up the bill.  Keep in mind, these restaurant bills for large parties cost approxiately $400 to $500 each time!  There was a larger family reunion in-laws included costing a $1K restaurant tab which my brother paid.  As long as someone else is paying she and her husband order a lot of food, alcoholic beverages and desserts!  They're gluttons.  My husband and I always pay for us and our sons whereas my sister always takes advantage of other people's generosity despite her living in a $2mil house, enrolled her 3 children in private schools and drive expensive cars!   I've never known anyone so cheap!  My sister and her husband are the most affluent out of everybody yet they never spend a penny for her family's meals nor others! 

I finally called her out on my observation regarding her cheapskate behavior over the years and she didn't like it. 😏

Edited by Cherylyn
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I am simply chiming in to say I am sorry you are experiencing this stress.  No one needs this type of stress and I know how family related stress is often its own category of stress.  So I am sorry -you and I are similar ages and you know - who needs this right?

I wanted to share that my mom who wouldn't hurt a fly -and I am biased but I mean everyone loves her.  For good reason.  She's in her late 80s and we finally saw her after 2 years plus cause -well -thanks pandemic/covid!!  She shared with me that she lost sleep over a really hurtful exchange with a relative recently. 

Except she chose -in the name of family peace - to simply hear what this person had to say, and, knowing none of it was true -the accusations (and no, they are not - maybe true in Bizarro Land/Twilight Zone) - to quietly apologize with no backstory -a simple apology.  As short as the other person's rant was long.  So you know it wasn't even an exchange.  It was Ranter ranting, my mom responding with a short but genuine apology (I mean genuine in the sense that she genuinely chose to apologize in the name of family peace).  She told me she just at her age wants to keep family peace with that part of the family.  I respect that.  I get it.  

I am NOT saying you should do what my mom did! I am just sharing that I am horrified about what my mom was put through in this rant and yes I actually have a good relationship with that side -geographically distant now for many years - but it occurs to me as I write this -hmmmm- do you think this Ranter would have said these things to a friend as opposed to a family member she's known almost her entire life? A family member in her late 80s?  Blindsiding her? Families are .... strange that way. I again am sorry you're experiencing this.

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3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My sister does not get to enjoy the perks of having my in-laws in her social life while treating my husband and me very badly behind their backs which is grossly unfair.  It's time for this charade to end.

It just sounds like so. much. drama.

I think accepting her for who she is, and not expecting her to act better or differently, would give you a lot of peace over this ❤️.

For me... my problem has been thinking people will suddenly act better for once - stop being their (normal) terrible selves and that we can all just get along.  Accepting who someone IS and what they act like has given me so much mental freedom to walk away with peace and happiness that yes, they may suck but they aren't my problem to worry about.  I hope you find that peace and that you can just ignore her drama from now on.

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

to quietly apologize with no backstory -a simple apology.  As short as the other person's rant was long.  So you know it wasn't even an exchange.  It was Ranter ranting, my mom responding with a short but genuine apology (I mean genuine in the sense that she genuinely chose to apologize in the name of family peace)

I think she was wise.  A simple apology can be very disarming and calm a crazy person down remarkably.  I've seen that.  

I think Cherylyn's sister just had a terrible reaction to the news her father was abusive like others have pointed out... maybe saying, "I'm sorry this was hard for you to hear etc." and ignoring her (and absorbing the hurt and pain) would have disarmed her a bit and calmed down the drama.

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Is there a point in destroying her relationship with your in-laws ? 
 

You both had a different reality of the same person. My best friend her older daughter is 17 years older than her twins so she reminders her dad as a yelling angry drunk. By the time the twins were born he was less so. Even so my friend left when the twins were 3. So they don’t have the memories their sister has. Sometimes she resents her twin sisters because they didn’t suffer like her. 
 

You and your sister had different realities. Can you just live with that ? 

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I should add though... I understand how angering and demeaning and horrible her comments and texts/words would be to you, Cherylyn.  I would avoid her as much as possible.

And that apology thing is VERY hard to follow through on.  I think in part the reason why Batya's relative was able to do that was because of her advanced age being in her 80's... I certainly haven't responded like that all the time, but usually when I react in the past it's shown me that it didn't work out the best.  

I've seen that apology-disarming technique and it mystifies me how well it actually works.  Makes me wonder if the younger people who utilize that have studied conflict resolution or something academically... because it's that useful a tool, and it takes SO MUCH self-discipline.

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think she was wise.  A simple apology can be very disarming and calm a crazy person down remarkably.  I've seen that.  

I think Cherylyn's sister just had a terrible reaction to the news her father was abusive like others have pointed out... maybe saying, "I'm sorry this was hard for you to hear etc." and ignoring her (and absorbing the hurt and pain) would have disarmed her a bit and calmed down the drama.

So yes. But also I mean I’m staying out of it but my mom knows she chose to back down. She knows she refrained from defending herself from this completely unwarranted attack. My first question to her was whether she thinks our relative may have signs of dementia or another similar ailment. It’s so bizarre. I mean she’s always been difficult but this is like ….

yes my mom does the disarming thing. For example she lives in a major city and never ever engages in a confrontation.  She told me she recently totally forgot to lift up her mask as she walked into a store and was berated by a stranger. She said “thanks so much for pointing out my mistake I’m so sorry” and lifted her mask. Like that. I mean she balances what’s worth it. She worked in customer service for like 25 years and was known fondly as miss sunshine. 

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2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Well, actually yes, she made her marriage my business because her husband has said some zingers (numerous inappropriate comments) to my husband, sons, my brother and me. 

No. I meant her choice to stay married to him is not your business. I still don't see how the above means it is.  

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Normally, I'm very generous monetarily by giving a lot of money to her children.  This time, there were no gifts, no cards, no acknowledgments from my husband and me. 

So, you are punishing your nieces and nephews because of your sister's behaviour? Forgive me, but I don't see how that makes much sense. They don't get a say in how their mom behaves. It seems unfair to her kids. 

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

She is skating on thin ice at the moment and she fears my husband's wrath in person

You keep repeating this. What exactly does your husband intend to do, beyond telling her not to call you a liar? 

Again, I will be clear that you are well within your rights to distance yourself from your sister. But you seem utterly hell-bent on intimidating her and bringing her down in any way you can.  You could wind up cutting off your nose to spite your face here. 

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3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No. I meant her choice to stay married to him is not your business. I still don't see how the above means it is.  

So, you are punishing your nieces and nephews because of your sister's behaviour? Forgive me, but I don't see how that makes much sense. They don't get a say in how their mom behaves. It seems unfair to her kids. 

You keep repeating this. What exactly does your husband intend to do, beyond telling her not to call you a liar? 

Again, I will be clear that you are well within your rights to distance yourself from your sister. But you seem utterly hell-bent on intimidating her and bringing her down in any way you can.  You could wind up cutting off your nose to spite your face here. 

I agree targeting her kids because you are mad at her behaviour is getting down on her level. Innocent kids on their side are not part of the playing field. 

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1 hour ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I should add though... I understand how angering and demeaning and horrible her comments and texts/words would be to you, Cherylyn.  I would avoid her as much as possible.

This. And let go of the anger because it’s hurting you and your family. There’s no war or allies, just a very rude individual whom you can live without.

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Having caught up on all of this, it's safe to say your sister is just all round not very nice and super messy.  So why not give yourself the gift of peace and just remove yourself from this triangling mess? 

You aren't going to change her or teach her a lesson.  Accept that this is who she is, distance yourself and take the high road.

When someone smells a rat everyone else does too.  You'd be far better off ignoring her antics and rising above all of this. It's a way better look than planning your next move. 

You allow her to push your buttons and react.  Your reaction is a choice. Why give her the power that baits you into lowering yourself to her level?  All those involved know the score so there really isn't any point in battling to defend yourself. 

Never the less, honor your disappointment and at the same time distance yourself.  From where I sit no matter what you do it isn't going to change this complex family dynamic.  By reacting to it you contribute to it. Give yourself the gift of stepping back and letting go.

Remember, people will only fight with someone who fights back.  Don't react and it isn't fun for her anymore.

 

 

Edited by reinventmyself
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2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Is there a point in destroying her relationship with your in-laws ? 

And harming all of the family and children involved who enjoy an extended family and one another?

Cherylyn, I'd back off for a while and let the blood stop boiling so you can think this through.

There is so much at stake here, and blowing up EVERYONE'S family relationships over being called a name by someone who was in distress is a vengeful act. It smacks of jealousy that your sister didn't suffer the same childhood memories, and it is deliberately harmful to all involved.

And for what purpose?

Your sister may have emotional problems, and I can appreciate wanting to keep her at arm's length. So fine, stop celebrating her birthday with her, or whatever. That's punitive enough.

But deliberately creating a civil war in your PRESENT DAY family just to be punitive against the one who doesn't share your memories and who reacted badly to seriously traumatizing news? That's cruel and vindictive.

It's like, "I'm telling you this horrible news about your parent because I want you to suffer, and if you don't suffer in the manner I wish, I'll make you suffer MORE by ostracizing you and your children from all sources of love and goodness, even if everyone else, including MY OWN children, suffer the results forever."

That's just plain mean. You'll enjoy some short term schadenfreude from that, but you'll suffer the fallout from causing such harm for years to come. 

I hope, for your sake, you'll cool down and process this in a more objective way.

 

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I will say I was punished by my father’s family because of who my parents are, specifically my mom. I have ZERO relationships with ANY side of that family including my cousins who were also innocent. No relationship with my aunts, no relationship with my great aunts and uncles, no relationships with cousins , second cousins nothing. That will be a painful scar until I die just because I was my mother’s daughter and they didn’t like her . Zero to do with me . The decisions we make today reverberate through generations.  Just leaving that out there. 

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I will say I was punished by my father’s family because of who my parents are, specifically my mom. I have ZERO relationships with ANY side of that family including my cousins who were also innocent. No relationship with my aunts, no relationship with my great aunts and uncles, no relationships with cousins , second cousins nothing. That will be a painful scar until I die just because I was my mother’s daughter and they didn’t like her . Zero to do with me . The decisions we make today reverberate through generations.  Just leaving that out there. 

My mother had issues with my dad's family and I knew almost none of them.  He had 13 brothers and sisters and I couldn't name more than 2 of them until recently when i got into genealogy and found his family and all the names and spouses and kids!  No photos of anyone yet, but maybe one day.  Mother did me a huge disservice by keeping me from knowing these people.  I'm just putting this out there too.

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