Sister Problem - She accused me of being a liar

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I will say I was punished by my father’s family because of who my parents are, specifically my mom. I have ZERO relationships with ANY side of that family including my cousins who were also innocent. No relationship with my aunts, no relationship with my great aunts and uncles, no relationships with cousins , second cousins nothing. That will be a painful scar until I die just because I was my mother’s daughter and they didn’t like her . Zero to do with me . The decisions we make today reverberate through generations.  Just leaving that out there. 

My mother had issues with my dad's family and I knew almost none of them.  He had 13 brothers and sisters and I couldn't name more than 2 of them until recently when i got into genealogy and found his family and all the names and spouses and kids!  No photos of anyone yet, but maybe one day.  Mother did me a huge disservice by keeping me from knowing these people.  I'm just putting this out there too.

Even from an adoptee's point of view, I really can't understand any of this. What could possibly be so bad about another human being?

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Even from an adoptee's point of view, I really can't understand any of this. What could possibly be so bad about another human being?

You hadn't experienced the worst of the worst in this world yet. 

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

My mother had issues with my dad's family and I knew almost none of them.  He had 13 brothers and sisters and I couldn't name more than 2 of them until recently when i got into genealogy and found his family and all the names and spouses and kids!  No photos of anyone yet, but maybe one day.  Mother did me a huge disservice by keeping me from knowing these people.  I'm just putting this out there too.

My mother had an excruciatingly painful childhood, teenage years and young adulthood courtesy of her late father, mother, stepmother and step siblings.  Her step mother was also her aunt and her step siblings were also her cousins. 

My mother was severely malnourished despite having a plump stepmother.  Her step siblings / cousins were well fed though.  My mother frequently fainted on the way home from school so her teacher had to carry her on his back and he deposited my mother on her doorstep.  My mother was so malnourished that many of her teeth fell out.  She was chronically emaciated.  If that wasn't bad enough, she was worked like a slave washing the family's laundry daily by hand until her hands were peeling and bleeding, walked for miles to haul heavy grain on her back, forced into a full time mother role to her cousins / step siblings despite being only 8 years old herself.  She fled that scary family when she was 18 years old and unfortunately married a violent alcoholic. She too, severed all contact with her relatives forever.  

However, I was close to my cousin for a while.  My cousin is the daughter of my mother's younger brother from her biological mother.  My cousin married a man who pulled the back of my bra strap twice when they visited us years ago.   I told my cousin and she told me that her husband sexually harassed other women, too including my cousin's mother, step mother, her husband's niece, my cousin's neighbor and her girlfriends who are now estranged.  There were 14 women total.  When I told my sister about the sexual harassment by our cousin's husband, my sister told me I was a liar. 

We went our separate ways.  I have a great husband, amazing sons, my MIL (mother-in-law) and SIL (sister-in-law) have always treated me well, I greatly admire my husband's very kind younger brother (BIL - brother-in-law) and I'm close to my dear, very kind brother and mother.  In this regard, I'm very fortunate. 

[Cherylyn]

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I will say I was punished by my father’s family because of who my parents are, specifically my mom. I have ZERO relationships with ANY side of that family including my cousins who were also innocent. No relationship with my aunts, no relationship with my great aunts and uncles, no relationships with cousins , second cousins nothing. That will be a painful scar until I die just because I was my mother’s daughter and they didn’t like her . Zero to do with me . The decisions we make today reverberate through generations.  Just leaving that out there. 

My mother had an excruciatingly painful childhood, teenage years and young adulthood courtesy of her late father, mother, stepmother and step siblings.  Her step mother was also her aunt and her step siblings were also her cousins. 

My mother was severely malnourished despite having a plump stepmother.  Her step siblings / cousins were well fed though.  My mother frequently fainted on the way home from school so her teacher had to carry her on his back and he deposited my mother on her doorstep.  My mother was so malnourished that many of her teeth fell out.  She was chronically emaciated.  If that wasn't bad enough, she was worked like a slave washing the family's laundry daily by hand until her hands were peeling and bleeding, walked for miles to haul heavy grain on her back, forced into a full time mother role to her cousins / step siblings despite being only 8 years old herself.  She fled that scary family when she was 18 years old and unfortunately married a violent alcoholic. She too, severed all contact with her relatives forever.  

However, I was close to my cousin for a while.  My cousin is the daughter of my mother's younger brother from her biological mother.  My cousin married a man who pulled the back of my bra strap twice when they visited us years ago.   I told my cousin and she told me that her husband sexually harassed other women, too including my cousin's mother, step mother, her husband's niece, my cousin's neighbor and her girlfriends who are now estranged.  There were 14 women total.  When I told my sister about the sexual harassment by our cousin's husband, my sister told me I was a liar. 

We went our separate ways.  I have a great husband, amazing sons, my MIL (mother-in-law) and SIL (sister-in-law) have always treated me well, I greatly admire my husband's very kind younger brother (BIL - brother-in-law) and I'm close to my dear, very kind brother and mother.  In this regard, I'm very fortunate. 

[Seraphim]

I am very sorry for your mother’s pain. 
Still punishing your niece and nephew for being your sister’s children won’t change any pain suffered by anyone so far but will cause pain to them. 

[Seraphim]

These children are also part of your mother as her grandchildren. If you freeze them out expect no relationship when they are grown up. 

[melancholy123]

8 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Even from an adoptee's point of view, I really can't understand any of this. What could possibly be so bad about another human being?

You'd ave to know my mother to really answer that.  My guess is she thought my dad's family all drank too much and she was about as anti alcohol as you could get.  Very Victorian in her ideas.

[Cherylyn]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

And harming all of the family and children involved who enjoy an extended family and one another?

Cherylyn, I'd back off for a while and let the blood stop boiling so you can think this through.

There is so much at stake here, and blowing up EVERYONE'S family relationships over being called a name by someone who was in distress is a vengeful act. It smacks of jealousy that your sister didn't suffer the same childhood memories, and it is deliberately harmful to all involved.

And for what purpose?

Your sister may have emotional problems, and I can appreciate wanting to keep her at arm's length. So fine, stop celebrating her birthday with her, or whatever. That's punitive enough.

But deliberately creating a civil war in your PRESENT DAY family just to be punitive against the one who doesn't share your memories and who reacted badly to seriously traumatizing news? That's cruel and vindictive.

It's like, "I'm telling you this horrible news about your parent because I want you to suffer, and if you don't suffer in the manner I wish, I'll make you suffer MORE by ostracizing you and your children from all sources of love and goodness, even if everyone else, including MY OWN children, suffer the results forever."

That's just plain mean. You'll enjoy some short term schadenfreude from that, but you'll suffer the fallout from causing such harm for years to come. 

I hope, for your sake, you'll cool down and process this in a more objective way.

 

Regarding my nieces and nephew, I don't owe them anything.  My sister never did anything for me nor my sons.  I'm always shelling out generous amounts of money, gifts, gift cards, sewn gifts (homemade quilt and other home crafts) yet she never reciprocated.  After each of her children were born, I constantly delivered  home cooked meals to her doorstep.  What did she do for me and my family?  Nothing.  I gave her my car for free on her 16th birthday and a ton of gifts and money thereafter for many years.  What has she ever done for me and my kids?  Nothing.  This one way giving had ceased.  No more gravy train.

Since my sister is the one who sent nasty texts, she should've thought about the harsh consequences due to her actions.  If cousins are not reunited, then it is her responsibility to fix it.  She owes me a sincere, humble apology and if it isn't forthcoming, then it's better to revert to how it was years ago.  Separate socializing is better, less work, less expensive, more peaceful and simpler. 

Also, my sister's husband is a piece of work.  His mouth spews endless obnoxiously rude comments at every encounter.  (Even his wife and children can't tolerate him.)  None of us need him.  He just adds another layer of dread to every co-mingling family gathering.  If he's eliminated from the picture, it's a big relief. 

Actually, I don't have to do anything.  My sister is the one who dug her own grave and pounded the final nail in her coffin.  I even told my sister that she didn't have to believe me because I have my husband, sons, best friends, my brother, mother, MIL, SIL, BIL and other in-laws in my corner.  They all believe me and my stories are the exact same as my brother's and mother's stories.  We're all eyewitnesses to these horrors.  I reiterated that she did not need to believe me and with that, she said I'll burn in hell because I'm a liar.

Because my sister realized that she made herself look very bad due to her trail of text evidence, there is no way to defend herself.  She's toast and she knows it.  Everything is saved and backed up everywhere. 

I gave her a chance to say something like this: "I have difficulty coping with the truth.  Allow me to live in my own fantasy and imaginary world regarding our late father.  I'm sorry for our brother, mother and you for having experienced such trauma long ago."  That type of reply would've sufficed instead of her telling me that I'll burn in hell because I'm a liar.  My sister lashes out, she's very impulsively harsh and aggressive.  She lacks interpersonal skills and emotional intelligence.  She doesn't navigate dialogue wisely.  She attacks.

Because I have many allies whereas she has none, it's not looking good for her.  This is why she was a no-show at the restaurant gathering which she originally organized several nights ago.  She was too embarrassed and humiliated.  She knew my husband would be there because his mother and sister were there and she knew my husband would've confronted her which she feared.  She knows my husband is very tough and she's no match for my husband.  My husband can outsmart her. 

It will be automatic that both sides of the family tree will be splintered in half.  My sister can't sustain a friendship with my MIL and SIL separately because my husband is always with his mother and sister especially since he's the eldest son and FIL passed away 4 months ago.  My sister doesn't meet my in-laws at restaurants without my husband at the restaurant because my mother or brother always pay the restaurant bill.  My brother and mother like my MIL and SIL.  My husband always pays for his meal or meals for me and our sons.  Unlike my sister and her family, we don't sponge off people. 

My sister's damaging texts have caused a dilemma for her.  I don't have to do anything.  She is the one who put herself in a bind.  She's afraid of my husband's wrath.  She's afraid of my numerous allies.  She's embarrassed knowing that so many people are my allies and she has nobody in her corner.  It's not looking good for her.  She's at a disadvantage.

She thought she could inflict harm to me yet her text trail is what damaged her own reputation, not mine.  She handed a gift wrapped gift to me.   Her downfall was her own doing.  I'm using her terrible blunder as my strength and to my advantage just like chess pieces on a chess board.  Checkmate.

[Cherylyn]

34 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

These children are also part of your mother as her grandchildren. If you freeze them out expect no relationship when they are grown up. 

They can have separate relationships with my mother just like I am capable of having separate relationships with my brother and mother.  We all reside locally.  I drop off expensive, large big ticket item gifts, homemade dinner and groceries at my mother's house periodically.  I have phone conversations with both my brother and mother frequently.  It is unnecessary to lump everyone together during social settings as if we're pretending to be one big happy family in a Norman Rockwell fantasy. 

[Cherylyn]

49 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am very sorry for your mother’s pain. 
Still punishing your niece and nephew for being your sister’s children won’t change any pain suffered by anyone so far but will cause pain to them. 

Thank you, Seraphim.

I've gone above and beyond with my monetary generosity for my sister, nieces, nephew and her family for many years yet she never reciprocated, never did anything for me nor my sons and family.  Nothing.  I gave my sister a free car for her 16th birthday and a ton since then.  She has done nothing for me and my family.  Her texts to my husband were vile.  What goes around comes around.

Edited June 13 by Cherylyn

[Cherylyn]

12 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Having caught up on all of this, it's safe to say your sister is just all round not very nice and super messy.  So why not give yourself the gift of peace and just remove yourself from this triangling mess? 

You aren't going to change her or teach her a lesson.  Accept that this is who she is, distance yourself and take the high road.

When someone smells a rat everyone else does too.  You'd be far better off ignoring her antics and rising above all of this. It's a way better look than planning your next move. 

You allow her to push your buttons and react.  Your reaction is a choice. Why give her the power that baits you into lowering yourself to her level?  All those involved know the score so there really isn't any point in battling to defend yourself. 

Never the less, honor your disappointment and at the same time distance yourself.  From where I sit no matter what you do it isn't going to change this complex family dynamic.  By reacting to it you contribute to it. Give yourself the gift of stepping back and letting go.

Remember, people will only fight with someone who fights back.  Don't react and it isn't fun for her anymore.

 

 

Yes, when someone smells a rat, everyone else does, too.  She's the one who left several smoking guns, not me.  I even told her that she didn't have to believe me because I have a dozen allies.  She knew she was toast and she fears a confrontation from my husband who is very tough.  This is why she was a cowardly no-show at the restaurant rendezvous which she organized!

I don't have to do anything.  She is the one who is scared.  She is the one who left a trail of very damaging, humiliating, embarrassing text evidence. 

She's at an obvious disadvantage.  It's very awkward and uncomfortable for her.  She doesn't know how to save face.  She put herself in a bad jam with no way out. 

She actually handed me a gift and gift wrapped it for me.  I'm using her blunder to my advantage and as my power.  Checkmate.

[Cherylyn]

13 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

This. And let go of the anger because it’s hurting you and your family. There’s no war or allies, just a very rude individual whom you can live without.

I don't have to do anything.  Her trail of text evidence was her own undoing.  She is the one who is suddenly humiliated.  It's so embarrassing for her that she was a deliberate no-show at the restaurant rendezvous which she organized several nights ago.  She didn't know how to save her face.  She fears my husband's wrath.  She place herself in her own jam with no way out.  Checkmate. 

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You don’t want your side mixing with your husband’s side and that’s fine. That’s what it boils down to. Keep distancing yourself. As long as you and your husband are in agreement it makes things easier. 

 

Yes, my husband is very much in agreement with me.  Thank you, RoseMosse.  I have power.  My sister is at a very bad disadvantage.  She is the one who is very embarrassed and she knows she's toast.  She can't show her face to my in-laws, husband, sons, brother, mother, all of us.  She's running scared.  She also fears my husband's wrath.  Wherever my in-laws are, my husband is there because he's the eldest son and FIL passed away 4 months ago. 

My sister's scathing texts and emails as well as her husband's mouth problem finally caught up with them.  Their freeloading days are over, too because I told my sister to stop sponging off my brother and mother despite my sister's affluence. 

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I am simply chiming in to say I am sorry you are experiencing this stress.  No one needs this type of stress and I know how family related stress is often its own category of stress.  So I am sorry -you and I are similar ages and you know - who needs this right?

I wanted to share that my mom who wouldn't hurt a fly -and I am biased but I mean everyone loves her.  For good reason.  She's in her late 80s and we finally saw her after 2 years plus cause -well -thanks pandemic/covid!!  She shared with me that she lost sleep over a really hurtful exchange with a relative recently. 

Except she chose -in the name of family peace - to simply hear what this person had to say, and, knowing none of it was true -the accusations (and no, they are not - maybe true in Bizarro Land/Twilight Zone) - to quietly apologize with no backstory -a simple apology.  As short as the other person's rant was long.  So you know it wasn't even an exchange.  It was Ranter ranting, my mom responding with a short but genuine apology (I mean genuine in the sense that she genuinely chose to apologize in the name of family peace).  She told me she just at her age wants to keep family peace with that part of the family.  I respect that.  I get it.  

I am NOT saying you should do what my mom did! I am just sharing that I am horrified about what my mom was put through in this rant and yes I actually have a good relationship with that side -geographically distant now for many years - but it occurs to me as I write this -hmmmm- do you think this Ranter would have said these things to a friend as opposed to a family member she's known almost her entire life? A family member in her late 80s?  Blindsiding her? Families are .... strange that way. I again am sorry you're experiencing this.

Thank you, Batya33.

In the name of peace, I actually groveled to get back into my sister's good graces years ago despite NOT being at fault and being called a liar back then, too.  I did this so we could be invited to her house for Thanksgiving every year.  Turns out her holidays are crazy because she over invites.  It's not just family.  She invites friends, their girlfriends, boyfriends, neighbors, former neighbors, everybody and their brother.  It's not uncommon for her to host over 50 people at her house for what should've been a family holiday dinner.  We don't know anyone from Adam at her holiday house gatherings.  We're lumped with a bunch of strangers.  It's more work for me, more groceries to purchase, more cooking, more clean up.  No thanks!  A Norman Rockwell fantasy is way overrated.

This time, no more groveling.  It's the principle of the matter and I don't have to do anything.  I've told the truth.  I'm not apologizing.  She is the one who is humiliated because she doesn't have allies and she left a very damaging electronic trail. 

I even told her that she didn't have to believe me and told her that I have my husband, sons, best friends, brother, mother and in-laws who all believe me.  That's when she told me that I'll burn in hell for being a liar. 

I was called a liar in the past by my sister when I revealed to my sister that my cousin's husband pulled the back of my bra strap twice when they visited us long ago.  When I confronted my cousin about her husband's sexual harassment, she told me that 14 women experienced the same such as her mother, step mother, husband's niece, neighbor and friends who have since been permanently estranged from my cousin.  My sister called me a liar as usual.

Then my sister proceeded to invite only my in-laws to her house for dinner.  When my late FIL asked my husband if we were attending my sister's dinner gathering my husband told his father that we hadn't been invited.  (FIL passed away 4 months ago.) Then my in-laws (MIL, FIL, SIL) declined my sister's invitation much to her fury and we ended up meeting my in-laws at a local restaurant that evening.  During dinner, my MIL told me that as a 20 year old, she was almost raped in the stairwell at her workplace by none other than her boss!  That evening, she told her mother and grandmother.  They told her that MIL was a liar!  They told her that her boss is the pillar of the community, a deacon at their church and this assault never happened.  MIL could relate to me.  Everyone knows that I'm NOT a liar.  They can all vouch for me including my brother and mother - same with husband, sons, best friends).

My sister was angry at me for plucking my in-laws out of her dinner party plans but she discovered that blood is thicker than water.  Their son, my husband takes top priority in their lives over my sister.  My husband is always part of the package deal.  She cannot socialize with my in-laws without my husband's presence.   With my husband's presence, my sister runs the risk of a confrontation from my husband which he fears.  She does not want him to tell her not to call his wife a liar.  He's tough and he doesn't take any guff.  He will outsmart her.  He's not the one to be dealt with.

I'm not doing anything.  My sister is the one who dug a deeper hole for herself and pounded the final nail in her own coffin.  Her downfall was her own undoing.  Her actions caused her to feel so embarrassed and humiliated that she couldn't face everyone at the restaurant rendezvous which she organized several nights ago.  She put herself in a jam she can't get out of.  Checkmate!

 

 

[Cherylyn]

16 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

It just sounds like so. much. drama.

I think accepting her for who she is, and not expecting her to act better or differently, would give you a lot of peace over this ❤️.

For me... my problem has been thinking people will suddenly act better for once - stop being their (normal) terrible selves and that we can all just get along.  Accepting who someone IS and what they act like has given me so much mental freedom to walk away with peace and happiness that yes, they may suck but they aren't my problem to worry about.  I hope you find that peace and that you can just ignore her drama from now on.

I think she was wise.  A simple apology can be very disarming and calm a crazy person down remarkably.  I've seen that.  

I think Cherylyn's sister just had a terrible reaction to the news her father was abusive like others have pointed out... maybe saying, "I'm sorry this was hard for you to hear etc." and ignoring her (and absorbing the hurt and pain) would have disarmed her a bit and calmed down the drama.

I should add though... I understand how angering and demeaning and horrible her comments and texts/words would be to you, Cherylyn.  I would avoid her as much as possible.

And that apology thing is VERY hard to follow through on.  I think in part the reason why Batya's relative was able to do that was because of her advanced age being in her 80's... I certainly haven't responded like that all the time, but usually when I react in the past it's shown me that it didn't work out the best.  

I've seen that apology-disarming technique and it mystifies me how well it actually works.  Makes me wonder if the younger people who utilize that have studied conflict resolution or something academically... because it's that useful a tool, and it takes SO MUCH self-discipline.

 

 

I actually gave my sister a chance.  I told her that she doesn't have to believe me.  I have my husband, sons, best friends, brother, mother and in-laws who believe me and with that, she said I'll burn in hell for being a liar.  She didn't like that fact that I told her it was fine that she didn't believe me because I have a dozen allies in my corner while she has none.

I've groveled to get back in my sister's good graces in the past despite her calling me a liar as usual.  I was sexually harassed by my cousin's husband.  He pulled the back of my bra strap twice when he visited my house years ago.  I confronted my cousin, she told me that 14 women were sexually harassed by her husband in addition to me!  Her mother, step mother, husband's niece, neighbor and her girlfriends who've since been permanently estranged from my cousin. 

When my sister called me a liar, she invited to my in-laws to her house for dinner.  When my late FIL asked my husband if we were attending, my husband told him that we were uninvited so my in-laws declined my sister's invitation and we met at a local restaurant.  MIL told me that she was almost raped in a stairwell at work when she was 20 years old.  She ran home to tell her mother and grandmother who told her that she was a liar!  They said that her boss was the pillar of the community, deacon of the church and he would never assault women.  MIL empathized with me immensely.  My sister was furious.  Just goes to show you that my in-laws will always take my husband as their top priority and me, too. 

I'm not apologizing anymore.  I've told the truth. 

Wherever my in-laws are, my husband is with them especially now because FIL passed away 4 months ago and my husband is their eldest son and brother.  Other brother is out-of-state or thousands of miles away.  My sister fears my husband's wrath and confrontation.  This is why she was a cowardly no-show at a restaurant rendezvous which she organized recently.  She couldn't save her face.  She's very embarrassed and humiliated.  Her electronic trail was very damaging.  She dug a deeper hole for herself.

My sister attacks, she's very impulsively harsh and aggressive.  She will have to learn that there are very expensive consequences for her spoiled brat behavior.  (She's so ungrateful.  I gave her a free car for her 16th birthday and a ton of gifts, money for her, her kids and her family whereas she never reciprocated me and my family.) 

It's better for each family to socialize separately.  It's less work, less expensive and simpler.  My sister's husband has a major mouth pollution problem.  He should be eliminated from the picture, too.  It's better to be surrounded with very moral, decent human beings instead. 

My sister and husband should associate with their friends who are more like them.

Birds of a feather flock together.

[Cherylyn]

15 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Is there a point in destroying her relationship with your in-laws ? 
 

You both had a different reality of the same person. My best friend her older daughter is 17 years older than her twins so she reminders her dad as a yelling angry drunk. By the time the twins were born he was less so. Even so my friend left when the twins were 3. So they don’t have the memories their sister has. Sometimes she resents her twin sisters because they didn’t suffer like her. 
 

You and your sister had different realities. Can you just live with that ? 

I can as long as her reactions aren't mean, disrespectful, in attack mode and aggressive.  I told her that she doesn't have to believe me and with that, calling me a liar who will burn in hell was going too far.

My in-laws and husband are a package and they're always together.  My sister fears my husband's wrath and confrontation.  He's very tough and can easily outsmart her.  Being in person with him is scary for my sister.  This is why she fled.  Good.  She couldn't save face.  She left a very damaging electronic trail.

It's better to revert to how it was with separate family trees and no more co-mingling.  Also, my sister's husband has a major mouth problem.  He's intolerable.  Everyone despises him including his own wife and kids!

We need to create new, safer boundaries for myself, my family and in-laws.  I have a very good rapport with my brother and mother.  I can socialize or call them on my own time and on my own terms.  I don't need my toxic sister and her husband in the mix. 

 

 

 

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No. I meant her choice to stay married to him is not your business. I still don't see how the above means it is.  

So, you are punishing your nieces and nephews because of your sister's behaviour? Forgive me, but I don't see how that makes much sense. They don't get a say in how their mom behaves. It seems unfair to her kids. 

You keep repeating this. What exactly does your husband intend to do, beyond telling her not to call you a liar? 

Again, I will be clear that you are well within your rights to distance yourself from your sister. But you seem utterly hell-bent on intimidating her and bringing her down in any way you can.  You could wind up cutting off your nose to spite your face here. 

She always brags to me about her great marriage when she has told me otherwise.  She told me that all of her sisters-in-law share similar notes because all 6 brothers are the same.  All of my sister's husband's brothers have inappropriate mouth problems which gets them in a lot of trouble with everyone.  My sister makes it my business because she told me since her first marriage lasted only 8 months she would feel embarrassed to have two divorces on her track record.  She makes it my business.  She even called me during her honeymoon for her first marriage and told me it's time to divorce. 

I've given my nieces and nephew tons of generous monetary amounts, gifts galore whereas my sister never reciprocated.  She never gave me anything despite me giving her a free car for her 16th birthday and tons of gifts and money after that.  I cooked a lot for her after her 3 children were born.  She never did anything for me.  Whenever there are restaurant rendezvous for her celebrations, she's too cheap to pay the restaurant bill so my brother or mother pays.  She and her husband sponge off others despite their affluence.  I don't owe anybody anything.  I've already gone above and beyond.  This is the end of the gravy train.

My husband will outsmart my sister at every turn.  He's very tough and she's scared of him.  

No cutting my nose here.  I don't have to do anything.  She's the one who lost her face and fled.  She can't show her face to my in-laws and husband nor my sons, brother and mother, too.  No one is on her side.  All allies are in my corner.  She left a very damaging electronic trail.  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My husband will outsmart my sister at every turn.  He's very tough and she's scared of him.

This is a bit strange. Why? Is he aggressive or violent? You still haven't said what your husband intends to do. So, he has some rude messages from her. And? Is he planning on causing a big scene in public or something? Going to her house and confronting her? It is not clear what his "wrath" actually entails. 

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I don't owe anybody anything.  I've already gone above and beyond.  This is the end of the gravy train.

Nobody said you did. But it seems vindictive and unfair to punish her kids. In fact, it seems like something she would do - and you're sinking to her level. 

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My sister makes it my business because she told me since her first marriage lasted only 8 months she would feel embarrassed to have two divorces on her track record.  She makes it my business.  She even called me during her honeymoon for her first marriage and told me it's time to divorce. 

So? This is her problem. I'm not sure why it bothers you so much that her marriage is crap. Let her be in a crappy marriage. It's not your call. 

Look, I do think you need to cut her off. It is clearly eating you alive and infuriating you, and this goes far beyond her calling you a liar. But I do hope you take time to cool down, because the way you're speaking about all of this suggests you are lashing out emotionally much like she would do (based on what you descibe about her)

Ask yourself why you feel the need to take her down in any way you can, and essentially perform a character assassination - because that suggests a lot of unfinished emotional business inside you. Setting healthy boundaries is important, yes, but this apparent need to essentially destroy her along the way says more about you than it does about her. 

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

You'd ave to know my mother to really answer that.  My guess is she thought my dad's family all drank too much and she was about as anti alcohol as you could get.  Very Victorian in her ideas.

I get it--she has her reasons. Of course she does. But looking in from the outside, and with distance from the problem, it just seems like a lot of extra energy to nurture hate. It's gotta take a toll on a person.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

My husband will outsmart my sister at every turn.  He's very tough and she's scared of him.  

Why not distance yourself and delete and block her? It's better than eating yourself alive with so much hatred. All this hating will do is make you very sick and very old very fast. You're only hurting yourself with it.

 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This is a bit strange. Why? Is he aggressive or violent? You still haven't said what your husband intends to do. So, he has some rude messages from her. And? Is he planning on causing a big scene in public or something? Going to her house and confronting her? It is not clear what his "wrath" actually entails. 

Nobody said you did. But it seems vindictive and unfair to punish her kids. In fact, it seems like something she would do - and you're sinking to her level. 

So? This is her problem. I'm not sure why it bothers you so much that her marriage is crap. Let her be in a crappy marriage. It's not your call. 

Look, I do think you need to cut her off. It is clearly eating you alive and infuriating you, and this goes far beyond her calling you a liar. But I do hope you take time to cool down, because the way you're speaking about all of this suggests you are lashing out emotionally much like she would do (based on what you descibe about her)

Ask yourself why you feel the need to take her down in any way you can, and essentially perform a character assassination - because that suggests a lot of unfinished emotional business inside you. Setting healthy boundaries is important, yes, but this apparent need to essentially destroy her along the way says more about you than it does about her. 

No, MissCanuck, you've got it turned around.

My husband isn't the one who is aggressive nor violent.  My sister's texts are very aggressive in nature, habitually curt and very much in attack mode all the time.  She doesn't exercise finesse regarding correspondence.  It's always "off with your head" if she doesn't agree with you.  There's never a smooth dialogue. 

My husband intends to confront her by telling her not to call his wife a liar and if she were to sass back, he's very good with his retorts which will leave her humiliated.  This confrontation will occur in case my sister arrives at a mutual family gathering usually at a restaurant several times a year. 

I'm not punishing her kids.  I've done more than enough for them already.  I've given my sister and her kids a lot of money throughout the years and my sister never reciprocates.  Heck, she never even pays for restaurant bills whenever she hosts.  She and her family always sponges off others instead.  I've already given my sister a free car on her 16th birthday.  This gravy train came to a screeching halt.  My wallet is closed.

Not that it's an excuse but her crappy marriage contributes to her quick irritability.  Usually a happy person reacts kindly.  Happy people don't immediately send your head straight to the guillotine just because they disagree with you.  She has psychosis.  She has health problems which drive her crazy and that's also a contributing factor to her short fuse.  Nonetheless, she doesn't get to get away with telling me I'll go to hell because I'm a liar without severe consequences.

Since she's so fearful of facing my in-laws, husband, brother and mother,  I doubt she'll make herself vulnerable to a confrontation with my husband.  Example: She was a last minute no-show at a recent restaurant rendezvous which she organized several nights ago.  She is afraid of my in-laws and husband and she knows my brother and mother are on my side as well.  She doesn't have anyone on her team.  She is all alone.  She knows her nasty texts sealed the deal.  She actually gave me a gift and gift wrapped it for me.  Her last nasty text was given to me on a silver platter.  She caused her own detriment.

Ironically, my late father taught me to use your opponent's strength, let him or her struggle, sweat and fall instead of using your energy to defeat himself or herself.  I'm letting my sister's huge blunder be her own undoing.  My husband will most likely not have to confront her because she's too scared to face him in the first place.  She is very humiliated and afraid to face everyone.  She embarrassed herself.  She was caught red handed.   

You've got it twisted again.  The character assassination originated when she said I will burn in hell for being a liar.  This isn't the first time.

In the past, she called me a liar when my cousin's husband pulled the back of my bra strap not once but twice on the same day years ago.  When I confronted my cousin regarding her husband's sexual harassment, my cousin admitted that 14 other women including her own mother, step mother, husband's niece, neighbor and estranged girlfriends were also sexually harassed by her husband.  My husband, sons, brother, mother and in-laws are my staunchest allies which irks my sister and as usual called me a liar about my cousin's husband sexually harassing me.  

Because I protested being called a liar, my sister invited my in-laws to her house for dinner.  When my late FIL found out from my husband that we were uninvited, my in-laws declined her invitation and met us at a restaurant that evening instead.  This infuriated my sister.  Then at the restaurant my MIL revealed that she was almost raped at her workplace's stairwell by none other than her boss.  Because she screamed, her boss released his grip on her.  She was only 20 years old.  When she ran home to tell her mother and grandmother, they told her that she was a liar, her boss was a pillar in the community, deacon of their church and she needs to pretend that his assault never occurred.  She was commanded to never mention this assault ever again and remain silent.  My MIL had to continue working to support her widowed mother and help financially sustain their household.  Hence, my MIL empathizes with me because she knows what it feels like to be called a liar when you know down deep within your bones that you've told the truth. 

So at this rate, neither my husband nor I need to do anything because it's my sister who is running scared.  Unlike me, she doesn't have any allies whatsoever.  There is no one in her corner.  She's sorely outnumbered and she knows she doesn't stand a chance.  Her downfall was her own undoing.  She only has herself to blame for how everything unfolded.  Had she told me that she couldn't cope with the truth about how my mother suffered at the hands of her violent alcoholic husband, the conversation would've ended on a softer note.  My sister decided to take the aggressive attack route instead.  Hence, the trajectory inadvertently changed to my favor. 

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I get it--she has her reasons. Of course she does. But looking in from the outside, and with distance from the problem, it just seems like a lot of extra energy to nurture hate. It's gotta take a toll on a person.

Actually, I get to coast.  It's my sister who is in a jam.  She's too afraid to show her face because she knows she's toast.  She put herself in a bad pickle.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not distance yourself and delete and block her? It's better than eating yourself alive with so much hatred. All this hating will do is make you very sick and very old very fast. You're only hurting yourself with it.

 

I haven't deleted nor blocked her.  Her text thread still exists which will never disappear.  It's been saved, backed up in the phone, on my computer, printed and my husband saved, backed up and printed every scathing text she wrote to him as well.  This is the problem in this Information Age.  You have to be very careful because once it's out there, you can't take it back.  If my sister were to deny everything or engage in gaslighting as usual, all we have to do is whip out the instant evidence and proof. 

In the meantime, we're not doing anything.  She is the one who is so nervous that she couldn't show her face at a recent restaurant rendezvous which she arranged several nights ago.  She's very humiliated and embarrassed and couldn't summon the courage to show her face to my in-laws, my husband, brother and mother.  She knows that all of them are my allies and she has no one on her side.  Everyone vouches for me whereas no one can vouch for her.  She knows she's hosed. 

I'm not afraid.  My husband isn't afraid.  It's my sister who is suddenly placing herself in a very uncomfortable, awkward position.  I didn't do anything wrong.  She's the one who told me to burn in hell because I'm a liar.  She doesn't want to have to defend nor explain herself to all of my allies.  This is why she fled which is cowardly.  She put herself in a quandary.

[Seraphim]

8 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Thank you, Seraphim.

I've gone above and beyond with my monetary generosity for my sister, nieces, nephew and her family for many years yet she never reciprocated, never did anything for me nor my sons and family.  Nothing.  I gave my sister a free car for her 16th birthday and a ton since then.  She has done nothing for me and my family.  Her texts to my husband were vile.  What goes around comes around.

Not what I am talking about and you know it. You keep repeating I am going to punish people and intimidate them with my husband if necessary because you are angry . Nothing we can do with that. 
 

There doesn’t need to be money passed to have a relationship and you know that. However, you will lose out and so will they by not knowing each other from this point. As I said they won’t care when they are grown up . My father’s family abandoned me and even if it hurts I don’t care to know them. You may think you won’t care about them but on some level you will because these are innocent children like yours . 

[Cherylyn]

16 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Not what I am talking about and you know it. You keep repeating I am going to punish people and intimidate them with my husband if necessary because you are angry . Nothing we can do with that. 
 

There doesn’t need to be money passed to have a relationship and you know that. However, you will lose out and so will they by not knowing each other from this point. As I said they won’t care when they are grown up . My father’s family abandoned me and even if it hurts I don’t care to know them. You may think you won’t care about them but on some level you will because these are innocent children like yours . 

My husband won't initiate a confrontation.  My husband doesn't need to confront my sister because she's too afraid to meet my husband at future gatherings at restaurants.  This is good and works in our favor.  It's her fault that she put herself in this position in the first place.  She could've simply told me that she couldn't handle the truth about her late violent, alcoholic father causing my mother to suffer for so long.  Had she softened her tone, this dialogue's outcome would've ended on a mature note.  Because she lacks grace and emotional intelligence and because she's an expert master at gaslighting, her aggressive "off with your head" attack mode sorely backfired.

As for her innocent children bearing the brunt of their mother's actions, well, my sister should've thought of these harsh consequences when she told me to go burn in hell for being a liar.  Yes, her children are collateral damage but once again, she should've thought of the outcome before she let her mouth fly off the way it did.  There is always a price to pay.  If you don't want to pay the price, then behave properly and react properly in the first place.  It's not rocket science and you know it. 

Her children only need to read their mother's texts thread to see the evidence and proof for themselves.  It's all there in black and white.  There is a way to correspond when you disagree with someone.  You don't start calling that person a liar, a thief, go burn in hell, see a professional to determine whether or not you're telling the truth and those types of mean spirited insults.  That's not the way to speak nor write to others.  My sister is not well mannered.  

I'm sorry your father's family abandoned you and even if it hurts you don't care to know them.  Once again, my sister should've thought about her unfavorable outcome before she opened her mouth which could've prevented her dilemma. 

Edited June 13 by Cherylyn