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Should I be concerned about my GF's behaviour?


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Me (30,M) and my GF (25,F) have been together for about 3 months now. It’s been going very well for the most part and we really like spending time with each other. The intimacy is great and we are both very active, so we do a lot of fun activities together.

 

She works at a hospital which has a gym (among some other jobs) and she is a proper gym rat. A couple of weeks ago she said to me that her work mate said that he has a friend who fancies her. The guy who fancies her asked if she has a boyfriend and her work mate said yes. About a week later my GF comes to me and says that she has exchanged numbers with this guy who fancies her and they will have a gym session together. She said that she is being straightforward with it and she has nothing to hide and I could always check her messages if I ever wanted to. I said to her that I can not understand why a person who is in a relationship would have the need to become friends with someone who they know fancies them. She said that she thinks he’s nice, they get along well and he’s a good gym buddy and that’s the end of it. 

 

Now fast forward a couple of weeks and she said to me that this guy asked her if the relationship she is in is serious to which she said that she is taken and in a serious relationship. From her point of view the guy is just a buddy that she exhanges messages every now and then and bumps into at the gym. I have absolutely no reason not to trust her. The guy is a) not her type and b) she is incredibly happy with me. 

 

What bugs me is the fact that she became buddies with him even though she knew that he fancies her. From her point of view she told him that she has a boyfriend and sees no reason why they can’t be mates.

 

I don’t really like this situation as I think that this isn’t exactly great behavior in a relationship. But on the other hand I fully believe her that she views the guy as nothing but a buddy, but knowing that this guy fancies her just makes me a tiny bit uncomfortable. I’m not sure how to handle the situation appropriately.

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30 minutes ago, samgotti said:

I said to her that I can not understand why a person who is in a relationship would have the need to become friends with someone who they know fancies them.

What bugs me is the fact that she became buddies with him even though she knew that he fancies her. 

Does she crave attention? Because throwing this in your face seems to be a "other guys think I'm hot!" type of thing. While a friendship/workout pal in itself is not odd, her emphasis that "he fancies her" seems like she is trying to make some sort of point.

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There, an appropriate meme for you(because he is a gym rat lol)

Yeah, "the guy she told you not to worry about" usually turns up to be "a shoulder to cry on" when something is wrong with the relationship. And that is at best. Or that she wants attention. At worst she keps him at a reserve if you fall through or is already hooking up with him.

I would be inclined to maybe think differently if he is just a friend. But that is somebody who is already declared his interest over her. Worst of all she took his number and is working out with him? That is unacceptable behavior for the relationship. And you are right to have a problem with it.

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Unacceptable. Deal-breaker for me.

It's like being with a guy whose eyes keep wandering on other women as he tells me "she hot!" but then assures me he won't do anything. Yea right.

I'd chalk it up as an incompatibility and lack of maturity/respect for your partner.

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When I spoke to her about it and I said to her that I don't like it, she says that she understands that it makes me feel uncomfortable and she said that she could understand that if she met up with this guy outside of the gym that I could have reason to be worried. But she only sees this guy at a public gym and she likes to chat with him. But she literally spends all her free time with me, she has never given me any reason not to trust her and it might be that she likes the idea that this guy is into her, but she told him that she is in a relationship and she has communicated all of this openly with me. She put up a profile picture of us on Whatsapp because she said this guy was getting a bit too talkative and she wanted to send him a message. Of course she wouldn't have had to put up the profile picture in the first place if she hadn't invited the situation.

 

If she really wanted to cheat or do do anything else with this guy, then why would she have told me any of this in the first place? I would have never found out if she wouldn't have told me. I think that this is just the person that she is and my question is, whether I can accept it or not. At the end of the day I am the one sleeping with her and not this other guy. And I've seen photos of this guy and I look a lot better than him, so I'm really not worried about her doing anything with this guy. It's just her behaviour that irritates me.

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She sounds young and she's testing her limits in relationships. "This is probably wrong but I'm going to do it anyway because I'm not actually doing anything wrong."

Yes, I agree that it's up to you to decide if this is what you want to put up with. I'd think on it for a few days and reconsider whether you both are too dissimilar. 

I would not argue about it. It's not worth arguing about at 12 weeks. She'll have to work through her need for attention and straighten out her priorities on her own.

When I think of a relationship, it's much easier when two individuals are on the same page and care about how the other partner feels. 

 

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Nope. 

This was inappropriate of her and she knows it. 

14 minutes ago, samgotti said:

She put up a profile picture of us on Whatsapp because she said this guy was getting a bit too talkative and she wanted to send him a message.

Oh, please. If she wants to send him a message, she can quite literally tell him to back off and no more workout sessions. No more private chats. That would take care of it

She likes the attention, OP. She feels flattered that he wants her. Think about what this says about her and her commitment to you: she'd rather risk making you uncomfortable than tell this guy to take a hike - or, you know, not exchange personal contact details in the first place. 

 

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13 minutes ago, samgotti said:

If she really wanted to cheat or do do anything else with this guy, then why would she have told me any of this in the first place? I would have never found out if she wouldn't have told me.

She doesnt need to cheat, again, its enough that she keeps him there even though she knows he is interested in dating her. That is enough for you to have all kinds of red lights about it. Also, again, "dont worry he is just a friend" is a frequent excuse cheaters have. That meme exists for a reason. It gives them convinient excuse to see the other peson without you being suspicious. And then to gaslight you with "You are just jealous" if you air your grievances. You think you look better. What she thinks is another thing. And why she keeps somebody interested with her that close to her. Giving him her number and working with him. Again, you should have all kinds of red lights turning up there. From sheer attention to plain cheating. Because, as others have also said, its not acceptable situation if you are in monogamous exclusive relationship. And you are focusing how you are the one sleeping with her and how you look better than the other guy. Just not to seem insecure. Again, its perfectly fine for you not to be OK with this situation. Because what she is doing is not acceptable behavior. It doesnt make you insecure if you stand out and draw the line in the sand. Make better boundaries and dont let her that kind of behavior or just leave. Because again, no normal person should allow what you allow her to do.

11 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I personally find the guy on the left sexier. He just needs to  calm down a bit. 

Its just a meme lol. Usually the left one is "dorky" and the other is "buffed". But I can see that some, even a lot of girls dont like "ultra buffed" guys and would preffer first lol.

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Posted (edited)

All of what everyone else said. She is playing with fire and what she is doing is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  Yes I can think of exceptions where it would be ok. If this was her boss or a coworker she had to work with and the job was a dream job then she could keep her professional distance or go to HR -even then, no reason to share that he is interested in her.  If she absolutely had to be in this sort of situation for her work or similar - you might be able to work around it - but she obviously is enjoying the attention from him and having to "fend him off" (yeah, right).  Red flags -you are forewarned.

Edited to add -only 3 months? These are her true colors coming out.  I'd be gone.

Edited by Batya33
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54 minutes ago, samgotti said:

she likes to chat with him

Despite the fact you don't like that. Despite the fact she knows you're uncomfortable with it. Despite the fact it's rude and inconsiderate to willingly maintain contact with a "potential bf" (let's call him that) when you are in a relationship with someone else.

When you see a partner with such red flag, assess if you relate to this behaviour or if you are better than this and leave. Serious considerate and respectful partners would NOT do this to you.

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4 minutes ago, samgotti said:

I just sent her a voice message and told her if that's the behaviour she wants to bring to this relationship, then the relationship is over. I will not tolerate such behaviour.

Good for you, OP. 

Be prepared to follow through. 

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1 hour ago, samgotti said:

If she really wanted to cheat or do do anything else with this guy, then why would she have told me any of this in the first place?

Obviously she's trying to throw you off guard, along with attempting to draw the focus away from her.  I'd also stop making excuses for her, as it equals giving her the green light to continue with her charades.

My thoughts are she's playing you for a fool.  If she had even an ounce of respect, or any form of loyality, she'd never think of doing this. 

At any rate, unless you're up for more of this juvenile behaviour, it's time to make a choice, (imo).

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2 hours ago, samgotti said:

If she really wanted to cheat or do do anything else with this guy, then why would she have told me any of this in the first place? 

The best lace to hide an elephant is in the circus🎪🐘

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1 hour ago, samgotti said:

I just sent her a voice message and told her if that's the behaviour she wants to bring to this relationship, then the relationship is over. I will not tolerate such behaviour.

You sound like a dad. In future just let her know you don't feel you're compatible and end it there. 

She may feel the need to defend her behaviour by what you said and all you're doing is inviting more drama.

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OP, thing  you have to understand is most everyone on this app just thinks one should cut it off and runaway at the first issue. As if we aren't all humans....

Instead of the "run away find someone better" so fast like some say.

 

I would suggest giving it time. You told her you didn't feel comfortable, it's one thing to be a friend, but when he's asking how serious it is, he is clearly trying to meddle and she should see this. So if after that she is still not respecting you, then yeah.

I think you should tell her "Listen, have guy friends is fine, but it's different when you barely know them and they are already asking how serious your relationship is ETC. I do not feel comfortable with you hanging out with this specific guy for the very least that it's clear he has some ulterior motive. Lay that out there. If she doesn't care and still does it anyhow, then I would agree to be gone."

I would give it a minute to see how she reacts. 

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1 minute ago, samgotti said:

Update: my GF called me and said that she fully agrees with me and that she hadn't viewed the situation from my POV and that she will cut off contact with him. 
 

It's unbelievable she didn't think this would bother you after her efforts to relay the information back to you in explicit detail. See how it goes and good for you for speaking up. 

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2 minutes ago, samgotti said:

Update: my GF called me and said that she fully agrees with me and that she hadn't viewed the situation from my POV and that she will cut off contact with him. 
 

If true and she seems honest, that's very mature of her. Now is time to see if her money is where her mouth is.

Best of luck,

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Posted (edited)

Oh my gosh....unacceptable no matter what she said to smooth things over with you. Any mature woman know this whole thing has been inappropriate. Just think what else are you going to have to worry about down the road? 

Edited by smackie9
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7 hours ago, samgotti said:

She works at a hospital which has a gym   they will have a gym session together.

She may still interact with him but tone it down, especially telling you about it. These are coworkers?

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You did the right thing by talking openly to her. I hope she stops seeing this guy because it’s really inappropriate. Also, seeing him is unfair to you, personally, I wouldn’t want the person I’m in a relationship with to see people who like him.

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