Rejected me in a rude way, then reappeared

[agonia]

Hello,

I like this guy for some time. We were seeing eachother on business purposes, texted on same purposes and it happened from time to time to exchange some friendly texts for holidays. I sent him a friend request on a social media which he accepted. He started liking my posts and commenting some of them again in a friendly way. For example wishing me a good vacation, sharing same point of view on my political posts etc. However I never flirted, neither did he. Then he called me to discuss with me an issue regarding his work and I helped him in solving it, not only with an advice but prepared a project that served him well. He proposed to pay me, I refused politely and wished him good luck in this new venture. While discussing some of the details of the project, he texted me "ok, thanks" and I spontaneously put a heart symbol not as a separate message, but as a reaction instead of thumb up symbol expressing "like". And he... deleted it both for himself and me. I felt very stupid, humiliated and bad but just kept quiet. So did he. It's been a month since than and now, all of a sudden, again he started liking and reacting to my posts. I don't like being treated that way by people whom I haven't hurt, neither abused. So my question is should I just ignore him if he approaches me, or confront him directly by saying that during our last conversation I was hurt by his rudeness which I don't think I deserve. Thanks.

[Batya33]

I think you are way overreacting to what he typed and how he reacted especially since you two are professional acquaintances.  No one was rejected -except you rejected his offer to pay you for your time.  I don't think you should interact with him if you feel you are this sensitive to his decision to delete a heart emoji.  He's not the right person for you.  Not because he is rude but because you are likely to perceive what he types in the wrong way even if it is meant neutrally.  And since you may want to interact profesionally in the future I'd move on from this person.  I'd limit social interactions to talking or in person with potential dates to prevent this sort of situation in the future.  

[Rose Mosse]

How does he remove a heart emoji coming from you if it's in a private message?

I can see why you're feeling confused or hurt but trying to understand the situation.

In regards of what to do next, be your usual self and don't react to what happened. I'd like to know a bit more.

[agonia]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

How does he remove a heart emoji coming from you if it's in a private message?

I can see why you're feeling confused or hurt but trying to understand the situation.

In regards of what to do next, be your usual self and don't react to what happened. I'd like to know a bit more.

It was not an emoji, but a reaction to his text. We've been texting on Telegram. There is an option to react to someone's message not only with 👍 but with a heart as well. Unfortunately there is another option to delete your message not only for yourself, but for the recipient as well. So he did delete for both of us his "ok, thanks" and my ❤ reaction to it, but left intact the whole other chat. I don't think I am overreacting. We're not kids and the brave is obvious - I don't want this heart neither in my phone, nor in yours. I.e. I don't want to receive such texts from you. Which is Ok, but underlining again that we're not kids, I think that he could express it or even cut me off in a more polite way.

Thank you very much for your time, @Rose Mosse

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, agonia said:

It was not an emoji, but a reaction to his text. We've been texting on Telegram. There is an option to react to someone's message not only with 👍 but with a heart as well. Unfortunately there is another option to delete your message not only for yourself, but for the recipient as well. So he did delete for both of us his "ok, thanks" and my ❤ reaction to it, but left intact the whole other chat. I don't think I am overreacting. We're not kids and the brave is obvious - I don't want this heart neither in my phone, nor in yours. I.e. I don't want to receive such texts from you. Which is Ok, but underlining again that we're not kids, I think that he could express it or even cut me off in a more polite way.

Thank you very much for your time, @Rose Mosse

I wouldn't read into what someone clicked on a phone to this extent.  Maybe he didn't want his wife, girlfriend or colleague/supervisor to see.

[agonia]

@Batya33, yep, absolutely possible. He may have his reasons but I have been kind and I did not receive let's say a call on the next day saying "excuse me, I appreciate what you did for me, I appreciate your cordiality, but I had to remove this text because of my wife, coworker, dad, mom, gf or whoever". I was just been "censored" and shut up. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, agonia said:

@Batya33, yep, absolutely possible. He may have his reasons but I have been kind and I did not receive let's say a call on the next day saying "excuse me, I appreciate what you did for me, I appreciate your cordiality, but I had to remove this text because of my wife, coworker, dad, mom, gf or whoever". I was just been "censored" and shut up. 

Most people would not even think to do that. Again I believe you are hugely overreacting in cutting him off based on what you described.  Did you sincerely apologize -by phone - for rejecting his offer to pay you for your time?

[agonia]

@Batya33 he did not insist. He just asked me "how much do I owe you?" and I answered "nothing, good luck". It was my way of showing him that I am not financially interested in him, but privately. 

However, I got your point. And even if I am overreacting indeed - it is me, I am vulnerable, kind and I pay attention to details. Details are important for me. And I want to show this too clearly at the very beginning. Not as some kind of a game, but to show who am I, what do I expect and whoever is not ok with my personality, just to stop bothering himself by contacting me or liking my posts. 

So my question was and still is should I tell him this directly or just ignore him. 

[Batya33]

Just now, agonia said:

@Batya33 he did not insist. He just asked me "how much do I owe you?" and I answered "nothing, good luck". It was my way of showing him that I am not financially interested in him, but privately. 

However, I got your point. And even if I am overreacting indeed - it is me, I am vulnerable, kind and I pay attention to details. Details are important for me. And I want to show this too clearly at the very beginning. Not as some kind of a game, but to show who am I, what do I expect and whoever is not ok with my personality, just to stop bothering himself by contacting me or liking my posts. 

So my question was and still is should I tell him this directly or just ignore him. 

Yes, I respect how you feel. And it is why I wrote in the first post that if you tend to react in this manner this person is not a person you should interact with other than professionally -not because he did anything wrong but because he doesn't meet your standards and expectations.  If you tell him this then -as you wanted him to do -call him and talk to him about it.  Don't type it.  "I felt offended when you deleted my heart emoji."  But if you don't care about losing him as a professional contact and losing potentially those in his network/those he could introduce you to then yes ignore him.

[Rose Mosse]

30 minutes ago, agonia said:

It was not an emoji, but a reaction to his text. We've been texting on Telegram. There is an option to react to someone's message not only with 👍 but with a heart as well. Unfortunately there is another option to delete your message not only for yourself, but for the recipient as well. So he did delete for both of us his "ok, thanks" and my ❤ reaction to it, but left intact the whole other chat. I don't think I am overreacting. We're not kids and the brave is obvious - I don't want this heart neither in my phone, nor in yours. I.e. I don't want to receive such texts from you. Which is Ok, but underlining again that we're not kids, I think that he could express it or even cut me off in a more polite way.

Thank you very much for your time, @Rose Mosse

In all fairness, it's hard to tell what someone is thinking over social media. That's the risk being taken when resorting to 2D communication. If he is such a person to remove reactions like this especially within private messages, he seems a bit of a control freak, don't you think. I recently joined one social media platform as I message frequently with suppliers regarding a hobby of mine. I see the hearts but didn't realize on some platforms they could be controlled or deleted. 

I think in your case it's best to keep things in the professional realm. He may feel uncomfortable with some of your reactions but isn't communicating it well. He may not feel he has to and wants to keep things at a distance. If he's deleting your reactions, I think is unnecessary. Let it go and don't pay attention to him as much. 

Try meeting and dating others.

[Batya33]

I have made many clicking mistakes in my life on texts and messages etc and not even realized or realized too late where it would have been really awkward to raise it especially with someone I did business with.

[agonia]

11 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

In all fairness, it's hard to tell what someone is thinking over social media. That's the risk being taken when resorting to 2D communication. If he is such a person to remove reactions like this especially within private messages, he seems a bit of a control freak, don't you think. I recently joined one social media platform as I message frequently with suppliers regarding a hobby of mine. I see the hearts but didn't realize on some platforms they could be controlled or deleted. 

I think in your case it's best to keep things in the professional realm. He may feel uncomfortable with some of your reactions but isn't communicating it well. He may not feel he has to and wants to keep things at a distance. If he's deleting your reactions, I think is unnecessary. Let it go and don't pay attention to him as much. 

Try meeting and dating others.

Thank you very much!

[agonia]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, I respect how you feel. And it is why I wrote in the first post that if you tend to react in this manner this person is not a person you should interact with other than professionally -not because he did anything wrong but because he doesn't meet your standards and expectations.  If you tell him this then -as you wanted him to do -call him and talk to him about it.  Don't type it.  "I felt offended when you deleted my heart emoji."  But if you don't care about losing him as a professional contact and losing potentially those in his network/those he could introduce you to then yes ignore him.

Thanks. I don't care about loosing him as a professional contact. I'd just ignore him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, agonia said:

deleted it both for himself and me. I felt very stupid, humiliated and bad but just kept quiet. I don't like being treated that way by people whom I haven't hurt, neither abused. 

Sorry this happened. Since you never dating this was not "a rejection" is wasn't even rude and certainly nothing here was  "abusive"..

He was just clearing out flirty stuff from his social media. he does not have to report to you how he manages his social media content/presence.

If you don't like him, stop collaborating with him or having social chitchat on social media. If you can, block him. 

[agonia]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Since you never dating this was not "a rejection" is wasn't even rude and certainly nothing here was  "abusive"..

He was just clearing out flirty stuff from his social media. he does not have to report to you how he manages his social media content/presence.

If you don't like him, stop collaborating with him or having social chitchat on social media. If you can, block him. 

Of course he doesn't have to report to me how he manages his texts, but as I stated above - he managed mine as well. He deleted it from my chat screen too. Which is rude and a real man having selfrespect and respect to myself would do it a more respectful and masculine way. For example - pls, I feel uncomfortable receiving such texts or sth like that. Not to mention that in similar situations I am way too caring for not hurting people's feelings and I usually say "I like you, I respect you, but I am not physically or emotionally interested in you. However knowing you (or you being my friend) is valuable for me and I hope it will not affect our friendship/working relationship/neighbor relationship. As I stated above as well - showing that you like someone is not an insult and it does not deserve rudeness as an answer. After all I didn't send my nudes or sext, but made a humble and polite gesture. 

However, thank you for your comment. No, I'm not going to block him. I'd just ignore his recently reappeared signs of attention. I need much more than that and as a minimum I need good manners at least. Same as mine.

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, agonia said:

He deleted it from my chat screen too. Which is rude and a real man having selfrespect and respect to myself would do it a more respectful and masculine way.

I don't think it was rude. 

It would be awkward to tell you not to send him any more love hearts. He is likely hoping you got the hint without having to have that uncomfortable chat. 

50 minutes ago, agonia said:

Not to mention that in similar situations I am way too caring for not hurting people's feelings and I usually say "I like you, I respect you, but I am not physically or emotionally interested in you. However knowing you (or you being my friend) is valuable for me and I hope it will not affect our friendship/working relationship/neighbor relationship.

Honestly, I think you are expecting too much from him. He is a professional contact, and it's not his job to manage your emotions. I get that you were embarassed when he deleted your message/emoji, but that was a risk you took in sending it. 

[boltnrun]

I've never sent a heart emoji to a coworker or professional contact.

Were you hoping to progress beyond a work relationship?

[agonia]

@MissCanuck being my professional contact did not bother him in the past having personal conversations with me, sharing his problems, commenting my personal posts. I did not cross the line first. He was the one to start behaving as a friend more than a an associate. Thank you for your answer although I did not ask for a clarification of the situation. It is clear to me and my question was for an advice how to proceed in the future having in mind his changing moods and obviously not meeting my standards not only for a bf, but for a friend at all. I only wanted to be sure if such a behavior worths my further explanation in order to avoid misunderstandings or not. Thank you.

[agonia]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I've never sent a heart emoji to a coworker or professional contact.

Were you hoping to progress beyond a work relationship?

At that point we have already progressed beyond work relationship to some extent. I was not hoping anything. I just liked him and I wanted to show it to him. May be I was hoping for him to have better manners and no matter of what he'd think of my sign of affection, would answer as a gentleman. Actually he did appear as a gentleman before and that's why I had no hesitation of acting. Shortly, I expected an intelligent yes or no. As of between grown up people.

[Rose Mosse]

It's probably for the best that you have nothing much to do with one another as you find him having poor manners. It's my impression that when someone likes a comment or puts a heart emoji it's not meant as flirting. It's an expression that that person likes what you said or that particular commentary on social media or even in private message. Actually it never crossed my mind that it was ever flirting so to have it construed that way is odd. I still do think his reactions are over the top and petty, imo, bothering to delete nonsense stuff like that. I wouldn't pay much attention to someone who likes to go in and change someone else's reactions. 

He's a grown man and he could have chosen not to associate with you at all. At this point if you don't like him just leave him alone. 

[LootieTootie]

This guy is weird. I don't understand why you would delete someone's heart emoji to your comment "thank you"

I would find it funny if I was in your shoes, and not look at it as rejection.

There's really no words to people who do nonsensical stuff like this. It's better to just walk away.

[agonia]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It's probably for the best that you have nothing much to do with one another as you find him having poor manners. It's my impression that when someone likes a comment or puts a heart emoji it's not meant as flirting. It's an expression that that person likes what you said or that particular commentary on social media or even in private message. Actually it never crossed my mind that it was ever flirting so to have it construed that way is odd. I still do think his reactions are over the top and petty, imo, bothering to delete nonsense stuff like that. I wouldn't pay much attention to someone who likes to go in and change someone else's reactions. 

He's a grown man and he could have chosen not to associate with you at all. At this point if you don't like him just leave him alone. 

Thank you. I have left him alone immediately after being censored. Before that the only step that I made towards him was the friend request in that social media. And I did it after he behaved friendly. I have never called him first. I have never initiated any of our chats first. Then after cutting me off in that unpleasant and disrespectful for me way, as of yesterday started to comment, like and react to all of my personal posts. Actually the reason for my initial question here was that him being reappeared all of a sudden makes me think that he'd call me for my birthday in several days as he always did. I am not wondering how to attract him. I was just wondering if I should answer him at all, just say a brief "thank you" or tell him directly that his behavior hurt me.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, agonia said:

I was just wondering if I should answer him at all, just say a brief "thank you" or tell him directly that his behavior hurt me.

He did not intend to hurt you and he was not disrespectful or rude. You were not "talking" in that way or dating. You don't really know what else is going on in his life.

It's inappropriate to have some sort of "relationship talk" about hurt feelings, etc.

If. He contacts you, keep it cordial, as he does knowing he's not interested in more than having accepted your social media request.

[agonia]

Thank you @Wiseman2. Sounds reasonable.

[smackie9]

Ya sounds like he was just liking you as a friendly contact to widen his social circle. The heart emoji ...well probably was taken back by it...it may have looked a bit much to him, maybe felt embarrassed. I have seen it before...people will take a step back, think maybe it was a mistake, and then come back, act as nothing has happened and hope it meant nothing. He probably wants to keep your professional relationship so he's trying to keep the status quo by returning on your social media. How you feel...keep it to yourself. I don't think he had any intension of hurting you at all. Just an awkward moment.