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Rejected me in a rude way, then reappeared


agonia
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1 hour ago, agonia said:

Thank you. I have left him alone immediately after being censored. Before that the only step that I made towards him was the friend request in that social media. And I did it after he behaved friendly. I have never called him first. I have never initiated any of our chats first. Then after cutting me off in that unpleasant and disrespectful for me way, as of yesterday started to comment, like and react to all of my personal posts. Actually the reason for my initial question here was that him being reappeared all of a sudden makes me think that he'd call me for my birthday in several days as he always did. I am not wondering how to attract him. I was just wondering if I should answer him at all, just say a brief "thank you" or tell him directly that his behavior hurt me.

No, I wouldn't mention anything. He doesn't owe you an apology either. If he wishes you happy birthday, just say "thanks". He's not a dating option. You said you've liked him for awhile but it doesn't seem you get along. I wouldn't pay attention to anything he has to say off the record or not work-related and if he asks for your help on something next time, do think about your time and hours. It's worth considering that he pays you for any services regarding work.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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Someone who does that is not rude to be it’s just weird. But maybe he doesn’t know how this chat thingys work? Because I don’t know anything about any chats. For example I just learned that if you send an ig story to someone and this person screenshoots it you see a symbol next to your story photo text. So yeah there are so many different rules on different platforms.

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30 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

Someone who does that is not rude to be it’s just weird. But maybe he doesn’t know how this chat thingys work? Because I don’t know anything about any chats. For example I just learned that if you send an ig story to someone and this person screenshoots it you see a symbol next to your story photo text. So yeah there are so many different rules on different platforms.

Good point. He may have wondered how the hearts got there and turned embarrassed that it looked as though he was coming on to you. So he got rid of the messages and hoped you didn't see them.

You get to choose your own narrative. If you want to tell yourself that he insulted you, it's not against the law, you can do that. It just doesn't buy you anything beyond an acid stomach--and for what?

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5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You get to choose your own narrative. If you want to tell yourself that he insulted you, it's not against the law, you can do that. It just doesn't buy you anything beyond an acid stomach--and for what?

It sounds like she has a very specific understanding of how she expects to be treated when texting back and forth on a platform that permits someone to delete her texts and what sort of mannerly reaction she expects if she sends a heart emoji to a member of the opposite sex she is not romantically involved with (I mean sure friends might have a habit of doing that but this was her first time sending this emoji). I mean it's not my thing to have these sorts of expectations or standards -she even is willing to cut professional contact to stick to her standards and see this as rude/abusive - but she's entitled to ignore people who don't meet her particular standards.

Reminds me of many years ago - I thought of this immediately.  My friend's father died suddenly.  I offered to call our mutual friends to tell them about the funeral arrangements as she was of course devastated.  She agreed. 

I called a few people and then called M - we'd gone to college together years earlier.  They had kept in closer touch than I had with M.  I told M what happened and M refused to go to the funeral. Why? Because our friend had not personally called her (I am not sure if we had email back then -if we did not everyone did so it was a lot of word of mouth) - M said that if our friend didn't personally call her to tell her and tell her where the funeral was that was rude and because that was rude she would not be attending. I was in shock.  I told a white lie to my friend who would have been so hurt. (Yes in my world it was common to get a phone call from someone else to tell you the sad news plus funeral arrangements - that person was helping the grieving family).

But M had her standards.  Those standards took priority over being there for her friend at this awful time. 

To me this is a question of "would you rather be right or be close" -because even if you are technically "right" that deleting an emoji is rude - do you really want to end your connection to him over this -at least without even expressing to him how you felt when he deleted the emoji? Maybe you do.  Sometimes -sometimes - life can be lonely if you stick to this sort of view that seems to be a lot of puffery and "pride" and "ego" with not so much substance.  Or maybe you're looking for an excuse to end the connection.   

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11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like she has a very specific understanding of how she expects to be treated when texting back and forth on a platform that permits someone to delete her texts and what sort of mannerly reaction she expects if she sends a heart emoji to a member of the opposite sex she is not romantically involved with (I mean sure friends might have a habit of doing that but this was her first time sending this emoji). I mean it's not my thing to have these sorts of expectations or standards -she even is willing to cut professional contact to stick to her standards and see this as rude/abusive - but she's entitled to ignore people who don't meet her particular standards.

Reminds me of many years ago - I thought of this immediately.  My friend's father died suddenly.  I offered to call our mutual friends to tell them about the funeral arrangements as she was of course devastated.  She agreed. 

I called a few people and then called M - we'd gone to college together years earlier.  They had kept in closer touch than I had with M.  I told M what happened and M refused to go to the funeral. Why? Because our friend had not personally called her (I am not sure if we had email back then -if we did not everyone did so it was a lot of word of mouth) - M said that if our friend didn't personally call her to tell her and tell her where the funeral was that was rude and because that was rude she would not be attending. I was in shock.  I told a white lie to my friend who would have been so hurt. (Yes in my world it was common to get a phone call from someone else to tell you the sad news plus funeral arrangements - that person was helping the grieving family).

But M had her standards.  Those standards took priority over being there for her friend at this awful time. 

To me this is a question of "would you rather be right or be close" -because even if you are technically "right" that deleting an emoji is rude - do you really want to end your connection to him over this -at least without even expressing to him how you felt when he deleted the emoji? Maybe you do.  Sometimes -sometimes - life can be lonely if you stick to this sort of view that seems to be a lot of puffery and "pride" and "ego" with not so much substance.  Or maybe you're looking for an excuse to end the connection.   

Thank you, @Batya33 for your attention and your time on my problem. As you may have noticed English is not my mother tongue and here we have traditions which are not a secret to anyone. One of them is great respect to women and their feelings. Saying that I mean it's not only my personal standart but a well known local standart. Which somebody decided that my personality doesn't worth applying those unwritten rules. As far as our former professional relationship (I say former on purpose because it is definitely over) - it is his loss, not mine. He was the one who needed my expertise and my contacts. So except being a lady I definitely think that he had to be more careful with me because of my position that have always been helpful to him, not vice versa. 

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Ok, for professional relationships, there's LinkedIn. They don't have heart likes/emojis for that reason. 

Wherever you are, it's probably best not to mix business with leisure type activities or anything that could be misconstrued as a romantic gesture.

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12 minutes ago, agonia said:

Thank you, @Batya33 for your attention and your time on my problem. As you may have noticed English is not my mother tongue and here we have traditions which are not a secret to anyone. One of them is great respect to women and their feelings. Saying that I mean it's not only my personal standart but a well known local standart. Which somebody decided that my personality doesn't worth applying those unwritten rules. As far as our former professional relationship (I say former on purpose because it is definitely over) - it is his loss, not mine. He was the one who needed my expertise and my contacts. So except being a lady I definitely think that he had to be more careful with me because of my position that have always been helpful to him, not vice versa. 

Respect for women and their feelings is cross cultural - women are human beings of course. No need to educate me but thanks! I see that you feel you are the superior one here as far as professional assistance.  I respect that that is your opinion of  yourself and that you are taking pleasure in your opinion that he is losing more professionally by his choice to delete a heart emoji in a typed message.  We all get our satisfaction in different ways and you seem self-satisfied that you are entitled to associate with people who would never delete a heart emoji without at least following up with a sincere apology ASAP and explaining their rudeness to you. You do you as they say in my culture.

  Certainly seek out men who believe that you are entitled to be treated with more care than if you were a man in a professional situation or in any situation.  As long as you treat other human beings in a civil way you're entitled to associate with who you please.  Good luck!

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Big thanks to anyone who participated in this discussion. My 6th sense that him reappearing in my social media might mean that he'd approach me de nouveu didn't lie to me. I just didn't expect this to happen so quickly. He just called me and actually I am still laughing to myself. Dinner invitation. I asked him was there anything specific that he'd like to discuss with me while dining. He said no and clarified that he was asking me on a date. I said that before replying to his invitation I have two questions that I'd like him to answer if it was ok with him. It was ok. The first one was how was his past month, was he healthy, any problems, anything unusual. Said No. Everything was ok with him. The second question of course was why he deleted my reaction to his text. He started to apologize saying that it was stupid of him. I told him that there is no need to apologize, it was his decision and I was not blaming him, if possible I just wanted to know why. Because of the surprise that made him indecisive and having in mind the whole complexity of the situation. So I thanked him for his sincerity and told "Listen my friend, with complex people situations are complex. If you need sth easier there are plenty of secretaries who may even enjoy being censored and ghosted. With me it is a little bit different. I don't have time for dinners with men who are indecisive and are not sure if they like me or not but after a month during which nothing happened to you, I.e. you were not infected by covid, neither had any problem that may have kept you away from calling me - all of a sudden you decide hmmmm why not calling this chick, for sure she's sitting besides the phone and waiting for me."

He started laughing saying that me behaving as a high value woman wouldn't make him give up on me but on the contrary - he'd do his best to correct his mistake and show me a totally different side of himself. 

Let us see what else he's got to show. However I am happy I already know for sure that his dog didn't delete my text with its paw accidentally. And from now on it is up to him do whatever he may see fit. My standards are high and will always be. 

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5 minutes ago, agonia said:

He just called me and actually I am still laughing to myself. Dinner invitation. I already know for sure that his dog didn't delete my text with its paw accidentally. 

Wow. So you liked him, he finally asks you out then you call him a dirty dog? That's not "high value", that's mixed signals and an extreme reaction to an innocuous social media emoji misunderstanding.

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 hours ago, agonia said:

"Listen my friend, with complex people situations are complex. If you need sth easier there are plenty of secretaries who may even enjoy being censored and ghosted. With me it is a little bit different. I don't have time for dinners with men who are indecisive and are not sure if they like me or not but after a month during which nothing happened to you, I.e. you were not infected by covid, neither had any problem that may have kept you away from calling me - all of a sudden you decide hmmmm why not calling this chick, for sure she's sitting besides the phone and waiting for me."

In my culture we have a saying "it's like the pot calling the kettle black".  What you wrote to him or told him -this reflects good manners?? Why would a secretary deserve less respect than you or feel entitled to less respect than your self-created standards.

(PSA - in my culture next wednesday is Administrative Professionals Day formerly known as Secretary's Day - I am not a secretary and felt this was  a good time to point out the respect to which such hard working professionals are entitled)

Edited by Batya33
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10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In my culture we have a saying "it's like the pot calling the kettle black".  What you wrote to him or told him -this reflects good manners?? Why would a secretary deserve less respect than you or feel entitled to less respect than your self-created standards.

(PSA - in my culture next wednesday is Administrative Professionals Day formerly known as Secretary's Day - I am not a secretary and felt this was  a good time to point out the respect to which such hard working professionals are entitled)

Who said that secretaries deserve less respect? Where did you read it in my post? In your culture do you cover reading comprehension as a mandatory subject in primary school? I suggested him that with a secretary would be easier for him from the point of view of the complexity our situation. I.e. who we both are. Which I am not going to go into detailed explanations here, but yep - lots of secretaries, administravite staff and employees are doing their best get our attention and even flirt with us on a daily basis. 

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1 minute ago, agonia said:

In your culture do you cover reading comprehension as a mandatory subject in primary school?

Seems to me he's not the only one acting "in a rude way". 

You did write this:

3 hours ago, agonia said:

If you need sth easier there are plenty of secretaries who may even enjoy being censored and ghosted. With me it is a little bit different.

You call secretaries "sth (not a word) easier".

Anyway, I presume if he begs and cowers and apologizes enough you may deign to go on a dinner date with him.  Hopefully the restaurant he chooses meets your high value standards.

Good luck.

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Posted (edited)
54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Seems to me he's not the only one acting "in a rude way". 

You did write this:

You call secretaries "sth (not a word) easier".

Anyway, I presume if he begs and cowers and apologizes enough you may deign to go on a dinner date with him.  Hopefully the restaurant he chooses meets your high value standards.

Good luck.

Exactly. And his choice of "restaurant" is remarkable. Few hours after our conversation an unknown foreign number of a country right next to mine called me. It happened to be his dad who asked me to join them on their family hacienda next weekend and didn't forget to apologize for his son's behavior, stating that from time to time he is very busy and stressed with his work and even happened to forget his manners while communicating with his parents. 

Thank you for your cordial wish for a good luck, but it has nothing to do with luck. Anyone gets what he/she dares to ask for. With the right person, of course. 

Btw sth = something 

Edited by agonia
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On 4/22/2022 at 12:45 PM, agonia said:

 There is an option to react to someone's message not only with 👍 but with a heart as well.

In some areas around the Middle East and Mediterranean, 👍 means "up yours". So cultural nuances are important.

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 hours ago, agonia said:

Who said that secretaries deserve less respect? Where did you read it in my post? In your culture do you cover reading comprehension as a mandatory subject in primary school? I suggested him that with a secretary would be easier for him from the point of view of the complexity our situation. I.e. who we both are. Which I am not going to go into detailed explanations here, but yep - lots of secretaries, administravite staff and employees are doing their best get our attention and even flirt with us on a daily basis. 

Lol yes where I went to school. They also covered basic manners in my school. Seems perhaps you might need a refresher course particularly since you’re so particular about his manners.  There may be a language issue here. You come across as condescending and arrogant in your responses to him. 

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On 4/23/2022 at 7:43 PM, agonia said:

And his choice of "restaurant" is remarkable. Few hours after our conversation an unknown foreign number of a country right next to mine called me. It happened to be his dad who asked me to join them on their family hacienda next weekend and didn't forget to apologize for his son's behavior, stating that from time to time he is very busy and stressed with his work and even happened to forget his manners while communicating with his parents. 

So you've never been out with this man. Yet his dad is calling you to invite you to meet the family and apologize for his behaviour. 

Right. 

Think I'm going to bow out here. It's getting a little far-fetched to take this seriously. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

So you've never been out with this man. Yet his dad is calling you to invite you to meet the family and apologize for his behaviour. 

Right. 

Think I'm going to bow out here. It's getting a little far-fetched to take this seriously. 

I can see this happening if it's an arranged marriage where the families have chosen. But if not, this is highly unlikely. 

This story works great to "prove" a point to us, however!

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Instead of getting dramatic about this, do a reset.  This is the problem with social media.  You read too much into it and people react the way you didn't expect which is normal.

Apparently, he didn't like the heart emoji and felt it was too personal for all to see.  It was awkward for him so he deleted it.

I would ignore it should he approach you in person.  It's not worth the confrontation.  Let it go and be more careful in the future.  Tread lightly.  He prefers to keep is social media light and polite so follow suit.  Don't get cutesie with emojis nor personal with hearts.  Keep it at "likes" only and have a generic personality on social media in order to play it safe. 

You may think he was rude and it looks like he has an abrupt personality.  My sister deleted my social media comments even though it was innocuous.  However, I didn't mention it because it's not worth getting into an emotional, heated argument.  I didn't wish to open that door so I let it go.  Be a peaceful person. 

Be a good acquaintance and don't invest emotionally into him.  Keep it business only.  Respect his space and boundaries and he should do the same for you.  Follow his cue and he should know his place with you, too.  Be cool.

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On 4/22/2022 at 2:49 PM, agonia said:

... Which is rude and a real man having selfrespect and respect to myself would do it a more respectful and masculine way. ...

 

Any self respecting man would not let anyone play the "if you're a real man" game with him.

But is sounds like you got your doormat anyway. May he discover happiness.

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Sorry but I don't understand what is your obsession with deleting the love heart thing? This guy actually asked you out on a date and you said you'd liked him for a while. But instead of being happy he asked you out, you confronted him about the heart emoji? When you had proof that he likes you and wants to go out with you, who cares why he deleted it? It could have been just an accident. I think you really need to relax and just enjoy life. E.g. Enjoy going on a date with this guy. If you always analyse everything in such great detail I think you'll be very tired.

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Not sure if someone has already said this, but is it possible that it was an accident that he removed the heart symbol? Like a 'pocket dial' type of situation? I've accidentally removed them myself when scrolling. I don't know if most guys read into this stuff the way we do, so it's entirely possible he did that on accident and didn't even know it. 

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