I swear my ex is a flippin' psychic...

[Cynder]

For anyone here who isn't familiar with my story...  (Those who are, feel free to skip the first half of this post.) To me, my ex was everything I had been looking for all my life... at least for a while.  She ghosted me out of nowhere last August.  And I mean out of nowhere.  Like, Monday night we were talking about wedding plans.  Wednesday she moved out and blocked me everywhere.  There was no explanation, nothing.  And some people have said, "Well maybe you talking about wedding plans scared her.  It was her who brought it up.  I wasn't forcing a subject she was uncomfortable with on her.  She proposed to me and we were planning on getting married for a while before this happened.  We just never made things official as far as being engaged. 

So of course, her leaving was devastating.  And four days later I lost my job that I had been at 11 years.  Two weeks later my cat died.  And in the middle of all of this I was dealing with a cancer scare.  My roommate got really violent with me also at one point and I went to a hotel for the night, with the intention of never coming home.  In otherwords I planned to kill myself in the hotel room.  But I was a coward.  I sat in the room and got drunk and binge watched Rick and Morty.  I sent my ex a bunch of angry Whiskey fueled texts telling her I hope she feels good about herself.  I didn't tell her I wanted to kill myself though. 

Well, this was in August.  By December life was starting to feel somewhat normal again.  I had a good job that I really liked.  I was making good money.  I started working out and eating healthy.  I got some new tattoos.  Then  one day... I wake up to a whole bunch of heartfelt messages from her, apologizing and telling me that she suffered a nervous breakdown.  She's so sorry.  She wants to meet face to face and talk.  She's never felt so bad in her entire life, etc.  Well, this was on Tuesday.  By Friday of that week I had a bad staff infection and was laid off from my good job permanently.  Oh and then I got a really bad flu.  (not Covid.)  

This meeting that she wanted never happened.  She said she wanted more time to work on herself. 

So in February...  Once again, I'm feeling better.  In mid January I started working at a Health Club.  I get to work out for free.  I get massages for free, etc.  Once again... I started feeling a lot better.  Well... here she comes back into my life.  and this time we had a really emotional conversation.  She told me she still loves me and was dropping hints at wanting me back.  And then I made the mistake of admitting I still love her, too.  And what happened this time?  I pulled my left Latissimus muscle.  I didn't pull it working out either. I pulled it cleaning.  And I was bedridden for days and in a lot of pain.  During the time I was bedridden she called me to cheer me up.  We had this great conversation.  She made me laugh, etc.  She even made plans for us to have this whole day together when I was healed and could go out again.  Well, later on that night she blew up at me in texts over literally nothing.  She apologized three days later and then when I asked her what it was she was so mad about she told me to basically go f myself and blocked me.  This was the first week of February.

Well, in the last two months I've given up on any future with her.  She's an alcoholic.  She has anger issues.  She likely has BPD.  She refuses to get any help because she thinks she's some kind of genius when it comes to psychology.  She has told me the story so many times about how the one time she went to a therapist he was so impressed with her that he told her she should be a therapist.  Possible but highly doubtful.  So in this time, I've started going to Al Anon meetings.  I started attending LGBTQ meetups to make some new friends.  I took up Aerial Yoga.  I got off Facebook because it was causing too much mental stress, etc.  And I quit drinking.  I never had a drinking problem so it's not like it was hard.  I just decided alcohol has no place in my world right now.  I've lost weight.  People who know me are telling me I look better and they can see a change in me, my attitude and stuff. 

Well then guess what...

Last night around 2:30 in the morning she starts texting me.  I didn't answer her until I got up today at around 1pm.  (I work at the health club overnight.)

I swear she has a 6th sense and she knows when I am rising.  She just has to pull me down to her level again.  She told me all about how she's apartment hunting because her roommates are so mean they are kicking her out.  Funny... this has happened with every single roommate or group of roommates she's lived with.  She told me so many stories about how this roommate or that roommate kicked her out even though she did all the cleaning and paid all the bills.  She was just so underappreciated by these jerks.  And now it's happening again.  She does all the cleaning and pays the bills... but her roommates want her out.  I'm sure her being drunk all the time and the fact that she's a loud, obnoxious and mean drunk have nothing to do with it.  Oh and of course, her roommates are Transphobic... because you know, everyone who doesn't bend over and kiss her ass is a transphobe. 

She also told me about people on power trips at her job picking on her.  Yep, because she's a great worker and goes above and beyond no matter what.  But she works with jerks who don't like her.  It's been this way at every single job she's ever had.  Poor baby.  She's just an angel who the world treats so badly. 

Even though I was cool and neutral and kept my responses simple when we talked, I still can't stop crying now.  Every time... EVERY TIME I start feeling happy again she manages to come around.  And this time nothing bad has happened but now I'm worried something will.  Since she seems to bring bad luck and chaos with her. 

I can't bring myself to block her completely.  I know that's my issue that I need to talk to my therapist about.  I just can't bring myself to completely cut any way for her to contact me.  And even if I did block her, she has about 6 Facebook accounts.  She knows where I live.  We have mutual friends. She knows where I work.  She will get ahold of me if she wants.  And I also know how she is.  Everything is the world being against her and she's excellent at painting herself as the victim.  I know if I block her she will make it her mission to make sure everyone knows what a terrible person I am.  I already lost a few friends because of her running her mouth. 

Idk if there's a ton of advice that can be given here.  I am more here for support and just to talk about the situation.  I overthink things.  And since bad things happen whenever she comes around now I keep thinking about all the things that could happen, etc.  This post is a way of working through some of that anxiety, etc.   

Anyway, thanks for reading. 

[MissCanuck]

If you don't want to block her, you can stop responding to her. 

Just because she contacts you doesn't mean you need to reply, especially if it's coming at too high a price for your emotional well-being. 

[adviceplease2]

Block her, move on.  She isn't psychic, she's psycho.

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @MissCanuck.

If you can't block her, mute notifications and don't reply. But you need to commit to it for you. For your own good.

You are vulnerable and continuing in this path will continue to get you the same results: hurt and pain.

PLease, love yourself enough to let her go. You deserve better Cynder.

[jazz_lover]

I think you know she drags you down with her drama and negativity and clearly she has major issues and is generally a toxic person that you are much better off without. And it is good that despite your feelings for her you have no desire to get back together. In other words she is ancient history and therefore there is no real reason for you to stay in touch with her.

If you cannot bring yourself to block then just either ignore her texts or be politely dismissive giving one word answers, ignoring any text that does not demand a reply, and ending text conversations as soon as possible. 

 

[Cynder]

Last night at work...  so many texts from her...  She's so sorry.  She feels terrible.  She tried to kill herself a couple times back in September (around the same time I checked into the Hotel room, ironically.)  I'm an amazing wonderful person and she screwed up the best thing she ever had.  She will never forgive herself.  This is classic her.  

And I called her out on some things.  I told her at one point that right after she left I lost my job and my cat died and through all that I was also getting screenshots of some of her Facebook posts from some of my nosy drama stirring friends (who aren't friends anymore.)  She's like, Wow *Cat's Name* died, I didn't know, I'm sorry.  I didn't even hesitate.  I told her, "I texted you and told you she died and you responded by telling me I'm a POS and that you're really disappointed in me."  She's like, "Well sorry, I was drunk."  Well yea, obviously.  Doesn't she realize there will come a time when "I was drunk" isn't an acceptable excuse?  I mean, it never is really.  But some day being drunk might really get her in some serious trouble.  Like what if she kills someone drunk driving?  Is the judge and the family of the victim really just going to be like, "Welp, she was drunk. Nothing we can do."  

I was telling a friend of mine that I felt so drained after talking to her even though she did 95% of the talking.  And my friend was like, "Was she being mean to you?"  No.  "Well was she messing with you?"  Well not really.  But still... being inundated with kind words all night long from her still doesn't feel very kind.  

And I know some people will probably think she's just looking for a place to live.  She already knows that's out of the question.  She hasn't asked.  But her old room is being used and I don't have anywhere for her.  She is aware of this, so I don't think she's just trying to avoid being homeless.  But I do think she's out for something.  There's an ulterior motive.   

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Cynder said:

But I do think she's out for something.  There's an ulterior motive.   

So why are you engaging with her? 

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

So why are you engaging with her? 

I didn't for a lot of it.  There were just certain times I couldn't bite my tongue anymore.  I'm human. 

[Batya33]

Didn't she pose as someone who claimed she/he smeared menstrual blood over the bathroom at your place of employment? Why in the world would you still be engaging with her?  She knows where to get mental health and other services. "I'm human" is not an excuse.  If you feel a need to help others in desperate need of help find a volunteer opportunity.  There are so many, especially now.  Express your human, compassionate side in that way.  She can find her own way and I think you know that.

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Didn't she pose as someone who claimed she/he smeared menstrual blood over the bathroom at your place of employment? Why in the world would you still be engaging with her?  She knows where to get mental health and other services. "I'm human" is not an excuse.  If you feel a need to help others in desperate need of help find a volunteer opportunity.  There are so many, especially now.  Express your human, compassionate side in that way.  She can find her own way and I think you know that.

No it's not an excuse.  I'm not always as strong as I could be when dealing with her.  There were just a couple times last night that I couldn't bite my tongue anymore.  I know I shouldn't even bother answering her.  It never gets me anywhere.  Like I said in my other reply... even when she's kissing my ass and sending me all kinds of really nice messages and just saying all these kind things... It still doesn't feel kind.  I can't really explain why. 

I had no idea she attempted suicide.  That was new to me. (Assuming she really did...  Not trying to make light of suicide attempts, but considering her history she might have just said that to get a reaction from me.) 

I still love her.  It's hard to just shut that off.  But I will say I kept my responses a lot cooler and simpler than in the past.  And her messaging me didn't fill me with all kinds of hope of living happily ever after with her like it did in the past.  My heart didn't jump.  I didn't swoon.  It was more like, "Oh hell... what does she want now?" 

And I was so tempted to be a smartass and say something about that phone call.  Especially considering she started texting me when I was cleaning the women's bathroom.  Like, "Can't talk right now, cleaning the women's restroom.  You know last week someone told me they smeared their menstrual blood all over the place in here?  Some people *smh* I could have been really mean and been like, "Yea and they totally sounded like a guy on the phone too!"  Because she's always so worried about sounding like a guy on the phone.  Idk though... I just don't have it in me to be that nasty to someone, especially someone I love (even though it's a love that makes absolutely no sense.)  

[jazz_lover]

It is far simpler to just not reply than trying to cool your reponses and bite your tongue. And instead of trying to be strong when you deal with her, simply do not deal with her. She is your ex. She is no longer part of your life. 

[Lambert]

Well, what we don't change, we accept. 

If all of these experiences, time and time again, don't show you what needs to happen, it will keep happening.

You don't have to block her.  You simply tell her to stop and mean it. It's a cold response that usually stops a person in their tracks.  You're the one creating a safe place for her to spew her emotional vomit. Stop it.

Until you start realizing your responsibility for all this, you're going to stay on this roller coaster.

You've done a lot of work on yourself, but it doesn't sound like you've changed anything but the outside.

Right now you want to stay in your comfort zone as her victim AND be the strong independent woman. 

Work on our insides forces us to be authentic to ourselves, so that these little lies (you're telling yourself) don't work anymore. Once you heal yourself, these little bs games will not affect you.  You will be above the fray, not of it. 

 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you feel a need to help others in desperate need of help find a volunteer opportunity.  There are so many, especially now.  Express your human, compassionate side in that way.  She can find her own way and I think you know that.

Cynder, I think it's so timely that you joined Alanon recently. This is exactly the kind of situation that group can help you with. How not to be an enabler. 

 

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Cynder, I think it's so timely that you joined Alanon recently. This is exactly the kind of situation that group can help you with. How not to be an enabler. 

 

Yea... this is definitely something I plan on bringing up at tonight's meeting. 

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, Lambert said:

You've done a lot of work on yourself, but it doesn't sound like you've changed anything but the outside.

 

 

Ok, sorry but I really don't appreciate this comment. 

It was a massive leap for me to go to my first al anon meeting.  It also wasn't easy to set my anxiety aside and start going to the LGBTQ meetups either.  I also stopped using Facebook.  And I've been in regular therapy and I meditate almost every day.  So to assume I've only made changes on the outside is really presumptuous, especially since most of this stuff is mentioned in my original post. 

I have a few more things to say but I actually need to leave. 

[DancingFool]

For what it's worth, I think you are doing well given how recent this break up is and how involved you were. This break up has triggered a huge amount of growth in you and it's a process. Dealing with your overall past, this relationship specifically, opening your eyes and seeing the ex for who she really is, and again, learning to how deal with that and let go. It is a process.

It's easy to say from the sidelines to just block her already and it's said with compassion. You are hurting and the posters here want that pain gone for you. Thing is....you'll block her when you are finally ready and right now you are not ready yet.

You are still processing a lot of things and learning even more. In a way, it seems to me that this ex is quite tightly woven with your past family issues - instability, alcoholism, and so on. This is all intertwined and you are quite literally processing and letting go of all of that. That process of growth is not fast, is not linear - some days you'll feel great and some days you will cry your eyes out and it's OK. It's cleansing. Be kind and patient with yourself.

I suspect that once you come out the other side of this, you will find yourself choosing different company entirely and will find healthier partners because you have healed yourself and no longer find comfort in instability. Someone who inspires you and brings out the best in you without the crazy, without the instability, or addictions, does exist and you will find that person when you are finally ready for them.

Meanwhile, hang in there. You are on the right track. Keep going.

 

[Lambert]

25 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Ok, sorry but I really don't appreciate this comment. 

It was a massive leap for me to go to my first al anon meeting.  It also wasn't easy to set my anxiety aside and start going to the LGBTQ meetups either.  I also stopped using Facebook.  And I've been in regular therapy and I meditate almost every day.  So to assume I've only made changes on the outside is really presumptuous, especially since most of this stuff is mentioned in my original post. 

I have a few more things to say but I actually need to leave. 

I'm sorry.  i could have been kinder in my post. You're right.  You've come a long way. 

It takes time for the mind to catch up and to make better choices. Keep doing the hard work & it will get easier but at the same time you also you gotta protect yourself and the work you've done. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

For what it's worth, I think you are doing well given how recent this break up is and how involved you were. This break up has triggered a huge amount of growth in you and it's a process. Dealing with your overall past, this relationship specifically, opening your eyes and seeing the ex for who she really is, and again, learning to how deal with that and let go. It is a process.

It's easy to say from the sidelines to just block her already and it's said with compassion. You are hurting and the posters here want that pain gone for you. Thing is....you'll block her when you are finally ready and right now you are not ready yet.

You are still processing a lot of things and learning even more. In a way, it seems to me that this ex is quite tightly woven with your past family issues - instability, alcoholism, and so on. This is all intertwined and you are quite literally processing and letting go of all of that. That process of growth is not fast, is not linear - some days you'll feel great and some days you will cry your eyes out and it's OK. It's cleansing. Be kind and patient with yourself.

I suspect that once you come out the other side of this, you will find yourself choosing different company entirely and will find healthier partners because you have healed yourself and no longer find comfort in instability. Someone who inspires you and brings out the best in you without the crazy, without the instability, or addictions, does exist and you will find that person when you are finally ready for them.

Meanwhile, hang in there. You are on the right track. Keep going.

 

I'm glad to see someone gets it.  I know everyone here means well and I know there's value in what they are saying.  But I'm just not ready to block her yet.  A big part of that goes back to my own feelings of invisibility   I feel like through a lot of this situation no one saw or heard me aside from a therapist.  Last night what I said to her about the cat was a huge thing for me.  I want her to know what she did.  She's an animal lover.  She was really attached to my cat.  A few weeks after she left my cat died, I texted her and all her drunk ass could do was go off on me and cuss at me and tell me how disappointed she is in me.  And then she didn't even remember and she had no clue my cat died.  So to be able to point out to her that I told her and that's how she reacted was empowering (I don't know if empowering is really the right word but I can't think of a better word.)  I feel like that was probably a huge reality check for her.  I almost feel like if I block her then she never will hear my side of the story and she will never know the damage she did.  And even if I tell her everything and she does nothing with it, at least I had my chance to speak. 

When the person who sexually abused me was being prosecuted, everyone talked about how brave and courageous my sister was and how bad she needed justice.  Everyone seemed to forget that 20 years earlier I told on him.  And I've told this story before a few times and gotten "Well, the statute of limitations, yada yada yada..."  My sister is only 3 years younger than me.  We were both being abused at the same time.  The statute of limitations hadn't run out for either of us.  When I told, I was a liar trying to ruin a poor man's life.  And I was in a lot of trouble.  When my sister decided to tell, 20 years later, well then all of a sudden we need to nail his balls to the wall and crucify that bastard.  My Mom had to be physically restrained by my brother because she was going to go to his house and kill him.  Meanwhile here I am scratching my head like, "Uh... hello?"  At one point my Mom even tried to put blame on me for not telling sooner and for not being more persistent in trying to make everyone believe me.  Point is, my whole family just seemed to want to deny that I told and was called a liar.  And now it's all about getting justice for my poor sister.  No one was telling me I deserve justice too, etc.  I know it's not the same thing, but I feel the same way about this situation with my ex.  I feel like no one really car5ed about my side of the story and she was never held accountable for anything.  Well, now I'm holding her accountable.  If I just block her then my voice will never be heard just like it hasn't been so many times in the past. 

Last night I told her that I don't think I will ever trust anyone again after what she did.  I told her she was one of the few people I ever felt completely safe with and when she left I lost my best friend and I lost the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  I will never let that happen again even if it means just never letting anyone get that close again.  This really got to her.  And she wasn't drunk last night either.  Her writing style is completely different when she's drunk.  I hope what I said last night made her realize a few things. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I'm sorry.  i could have been kinder in my post. You're right.  You've come a long way. 

It takes time for the mind to catch up and to make better choices. Keep doing the hard work & it will get easier but at the same time you also you gotta protect yourself and the work you've done. 

Say there is someone who's a heavy smoker... and they decide they want to work toward quitting.  And over time they go from smoking three packs a day to three cigarettes a day.  And then someone comes along and says, "Well, you haven't quit all the way yet, so you must not care about lung cancer and you must want to die early." 

This black and white way of thinking doesn't really work in these situations.  I didn't block her so therefore any other effort I've made is moot. It doesn't work that way. 

I know this post specifically doesn't say that.  But your other post did have some of that mentality. 

I really am trying to protect myself.  I won't let her drag me back down to her level.  But at the same time she needs to realize what she did. 

[jazz_lover]

Not blocking her and continuing to engage with her when she texts  because you want some kind of closure and want to get stuff off your chest does not sound healthy to me. 

Also the smoking analogy is rationalization. On some level you aren't quite ready to let her go. 

Losing you is punishment enough for her and if she ever does sober up and work through her issues I am sure she will realize herself that she screwed things up with you. 

You should be focused on forgiving her and understanding that she has her demons and the messed up stuff she did was mostly unintentional and letting everything go as water under the bridge and moving on with your life. 

You won't ever get the kind of closure that you want. 

[Cynder]

19 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Not blocking her and continuing to engage with her when she texts  because you want some kind of closure and want to get stuff off your chest does not sound healthy to me. 

Also the smoking analogy is rationalization. On some level you aren't quite ready to let her go. 

Losing you is punishment enough for her and if she ever does sober up and work through her issues I am sure she will realize herself that she screwed things up with you. 

You should be focused on forgiving her and understanding that she has her demons and the messed up stuff she did was mostly unintentional and letting everything go as water under the bridge and moving on with your life. 

You won't ever get the kind of closure that you want. 

Well it doesn't matter if it sounds healthy to you.  You're not me. 

I admit that I'm not ready to let her go.  I'm not denying that at all.  That's one of the things I'm working on in therapy. 

Oh believe me... one day reality is going to hit her like a brick in the face.  It happens to most people at some point.  Some of us (like me) are fortunate enough to have it happen early enough that they can do something about it.  One day I woke up and realized out of the blue what a bad person I am and I decided I had to change something.  And then it was almost like I got a second slap when I had my near death experience back in 2016.  She is 44 years old.  Every roommate or group of roommates she lives with eventually has issues with her.  Every employer has issues with her.  She's been in two relationships since she left me.  One lasted 3 weeks.  One lasted 2 weeks.  Her brick in the face moment will probably mentally destroy her.  Karma is real.  Believe me, I know her punishment is losing me.  But that's her punishment.  I'm not trying to punish her.  I just need her to hear me.  I personally don't care if it all goes in one ear and out the other. 

I am working toward forgiving her.  I know I will get there.  I forgave the person who sexually abused me and I forgave my ex husband for everything he did.  It will happen in time. 

[MissCanuck]

Are you hoping on some level that she wants to get back together, Cynder? 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Cynder I'd say block because she might be able to pull your heart strings at some point.

When I broke up with my toxic ex before, I didn't block him and within a short while went back to him. Then when I wanted to break up for good, everyone in this forum advised blocking which is was new and extreme to me. I did it nonetheless, and I can't say how essential it was in helping me move forward and heal.

Most posters here will give you tough love, and it's for your own good. On another note, you've accomplished a lot. Be proud.

9 hours ago, Cynder said:

I really am trying to protect myself.  I won't let her drag me back down to her level.  But at the same time she needs to realize what she did. 

She won't realize what she did as long as she has your attention. She's your ex. You need to accept that she's history and whether or not she realizes what she lost... It won't change anything. Hell, she might not realize this until years later- or ever! Will you stay in touch for years just because of that? If you stay in touch with her, how will you move on and open yourself to new and better possibilities?

[jazz_lover]

Yeah I think "needing her to hear me" and "she needs to realize what she did" are bad reasons to stay in touch. It gives her a significance that as your ex she does not deserve. And even if she does hear you and realize what she did (and I am not sure she is capable of either) it will not give you the satisfaction or closure you are looking to achieve. 

[arjumand]

Agreed. The desire to have those who act badly and hurt us recognize their behavior is natural, but unrealistic. Your ex is deeply troubled and has never before recognized her behavior, why would she now? 

You only get one life and continuing to put energy and thought into someone who doesn’t deserve you—and by responding to her and keeping in touch—you are not using your time to make yourself happy. 

BTW, it may help to remember this desire for ‘realization’ happens in all kinds of relationships but very rarely happens. Did your parents hear you or realize their bad behavior? Probably not. You have realize that closure comes from you and that the stronger and better you feel about yourself the less you will allow those who treat you poorly into your life — which will give you time and space for higher-quality people.