I swear my ex is a flippin' psychic...

[Cynder]

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Hi Cynder,

Coming in late with a lot to catch up on. Glad to see you holding your ground and taking your time to process everything from this week.

I hope you're busy prepping for your festivals and enjoying some pride in any degree of ability to bounce back from feeling derailed. The rest will come in time.

You've been through this before, and you know the drill. While it would feel fabulous for a while if Z could hold off on her meltdowns for a bit longer, think of the favor she's actually doing you by showing you the truth?

I know it hurts to love someone who isn't good for you. I've been there, and it's nobody's fault. As I like to say, we need to learn that some people are best loved from far away.

(((Big HUG))), honey, and head high.

 

I wish I could get a little more absorbed in the prep work.  One two of the biggest shows of the year are next month and I feel so unprepared.  But, after years of doing this, that is part of my pattern.  I always feel unprepared... until I don't.  Like, eventually, a few days before, everything jsut suddenly is done, and then I feel so proud of myself.  But up until that point, I never feel ready. 

She is actually doing me a favor.  When she left all I could think was, "I had the perfect woman... and I screwed everything up."  And a lot of our friends took her side too and I was the villain for a while in everyone's eyes.  But as time goes on and she shows her true colors It's a lot easier for me to see it wasn't entirely my fault.  And some of those same friends have apologized, too. 

I know she is no good for me.  Even her Mom said I'm better off without her.  She pushes everyone away.  One day she will have no one. 

Thanks for replying.  Your replies always make me smile.  🙂

[Batya33]

32 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I agree.  Straight people don't feel the need to tell everyone about their straightness.  It annoys me when LGBTQ people have to work into every conversation that they are LGBTQ. 

In the early 90s I was dating a man -not that seriously.  He invited me out with his friends one night.  I'd met them before including this particular man who had recently come out as gay.  I knew gay people.  For years. No biggie to me. 

We were in our late 20s and having dinner at some outdoor place, casual.  This guy kept openly ogling men walking by, making comments about which men he thinks are hot -I mean nonstop referencing his sexuality.  I really had had it -and at some point I am sure I rolled my eyes upon hearing yet another comment about his sexuality/who he thought was hot.  I'd have felt the same annoyance if it was a guy doing this incessantly about women or a woman about men.  Too much.  Apparently my eye roll offended him.  I remember being baffled because the other gay people I knew did not behave like this.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

In the early 90s I was dating a man -not that seriously.  He invited me out with his friends one night.  I'd met them before including this particular man who had recently come out as gay.  I knew gay people.  For years. No biggie to me. 

We were in our late 20s and having dinner at some outdoor place, casual.  This guy kept openly ogling men walking by, making comments about which men he thinks are hot -I mean nonstop referencing his sexuality.  I really had had it -and at some point I am sure I rolled my eyes upon hearing yet another comment about his sexuality/who he thought was hot.  I'd have felt the same annoyance if it was a guy doing this incessantly about women or a woman about men.  Too much.  Apparently my eye roll offended him.  I remember being baffled because the other gay people I knew did not behave like this.

I know exactly what you're talking about.  I've seen a lot of this in the gay community.  Of course straight people do that too, but most straight people grow out of that in high school/college.  

My sister used to be one of the biggest offenders.  My grandpa was in the hospital and my brother and sister and I were out in the hallways and my sister starts making comments about how hot the nurse is and how she has nice boobs, etc.  Like seriously?  This is a hospital and the whole extended family is here.  My sister was also obsessed with converting straight girls for a long time, too. 

[Carnatic]

15 hours ago, Cynder said:

She's also very attractive.  Even though most people won't admit it that whole "It's only what's inside that matters" cliche is BS.  Looks matter a lot more than people want to admit.  (And this is coming from a very unattractive person.)  Good looking people get away with a lot more and have a lot more privilege. 

 

Funnily enough I was reading something about that very same topic just yesterday, after another friend brought up the topic of 'lookism' in relation to a joke someone made on social media.

There are certainly disadvantages to being considered attractive too (so I hear) but you are right, I ended up reading about the halo effect where someone with a desirable trait (context dependent but attractiveness tends to work in all contexts just about) is percieved as being better at other unrelated things. So, like if you have an attractive employee you're more likely to associate them with qualities such as diligence, capability, affability etc. There was some research done that found that all other things being as equal as the researchers could make them, people considered to be attractive were also considered to be more intelligent, friendlier, more mature, more empathetic, more responsible and so on.

So yeah, if Z is as you say, very attractive, it is possible that she gets away with more, just because people are making automatic assumptions that she is also, the cleverest person in the room and so on.

[mylolita]

4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Funnily enough I was reading something about that very same topic just yesterday, after another friend brought up the topic of 'lookism' in relation to a joke someone made on social media.

There are certainly disadvantages to being considered attractive too (so I hear) but you are right, I ended up reading about the halo effect where someone with a desirable trait (context dependent but attractiveness tends to work in all contexts just about) is percieved as being better at other unrelated things. So, like if you have an attractive employee you're more likely to associate them with qualities such as diligence, capability, affability etc. There was some research done that found that all other things being as equal as the researchers could make them, people considered to be attractive were also considered to be more intelligent, friendlier, more mature, more empathetic, more responsible and so on.

So yeah, if Z is as you say, very attractive, it is possible that she gets away with more, just because people are making automatic assumptions that she is also, the cleverest person in the room and so on.

This is very true Carnatic!

 

I read somewhere you are also perceived as being more intelligent, more trustworthy, more fertile and more healthy! 
 

x

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, Cynder said:

I know exactly what you're talking about.  I've seen a lot of this in the gay community.  Of course straight people do that too, but most straight people grow out of that in high school/college.  

I've never seen a straight person do that in response to coming out with his or her sexual orientation so it presented differently in the example I gave.  Also apparently I was expected to tolerate it because it was in response to his recent coming out.  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Carnatic said:

So yeah, if Z is as you say, very attractive, it is possible that she gets away with more, just because people are making automatic assumptions that she is also, the cleverest person in the room and so on.

This also happens a lot with the height of a man.

[Cynder]

9 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Funnily enough I was reading something about that very same topic just yesterday, after another friend brought up the topic of 'lookism' in relation to a joke someone made on social media.

There are certainly disadvantages to being considered attractive too (so I hear) but you are right, I ended up reading about the halo effect where someone with a desirable trait (context dependent but attractiveness tends to work in all contexts just about) is percieved as being better at other unrelated things. So, like if you have an attractive employee you're more likely to associate them with qualities such as diligence, capability, affability etc. There was some research done that found that all other things being as equal as the researchers could make them, people considered to be attractive were also considered to be more intelligent, friendlier, more mature, more empathetic, more responsible and so on.

So yeah, if Z is as you say, very attractive, it is possible that she gets away with more, just because people are making automatic assumptions that she is also, the cleverest person in the room and so on.

I see this everywhere.  I currently work the night shift at a 24 hour gym.  The girl who works with me is very good looking.  She's a former stripper, a cam girl, she has a big following on OnlyFans, etc.  I've worked there three months and had to pull teeth just to get my 90 days raise.  She started out 6 weeks ago making more money than me and already has gotten a raise just for no reason.  I have nothing personal against her.  She's really cool and great to work with.  But we both do the same work.  Why does the company think she deserves more money?  I have to wonder.

I see it the most working at festivals.  I have a few average looking employees.  But I also have a few hot employees.  Whenever I am working the booth with a hot person, they always get all the credit for everything.  People will tell them how beautiful their work is, how they are so gifted and talented, etc.  Then whenever my employee points to me and says, "She's the artist." I usually get an eyeroll and a "Oh." 

I had some guy just come into my booth once with a huge camera and start snapping pictures everywhere.  I asked why he was taking pics and he said, "I'm a photographer."  And I asked what he planned to do with the photos, since he was straight up taking pictures of all my paintings at this point.  He said, "I'm going to post them online."  I said, "Sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to stop."  (There are people who do this and then use the photos to create stuff on RedBubble, etc.)  The he pointed the camera at my employee and says to me, "Well first I want to get a few shots of the artist with her work."  And both my employee and I told him I'm actually the artist and he's just like, "Oh well nevermind then."

My roommate is a racist, a thief, a liar, an alcoholic and she gets off on screwing married/taken men and then laughing about it.  She has swastika tattoos, even.  But she's attractive so everyone just seems to overlook these things.  She brags about all the money she makes for doing practically nothing at her job because her boss likes her. 

Z is very attractive...  She looks like the actress Jessica De Gouw.  I'm sure that's why she gets away with a lot.  She has no problem getting a job anywhere despite her sketchy work history and having a felony on her record.  People who had been my friends for years sided with her when we broke up and didn't even seem to care about my side of the story at all. 

Talking about all the festival stuff...  She was with me at a show in Indianapolis about a year ago.  I had a male employee working with me at the booth.  And she was walking around the festival for most of the day.  But there were a couple times she just came and hung out in the booth for a while.  And she would just be sitting in the back of the booth playing on her phone while me and my employee are working, and multiple people went up to her to tell her how talented she is.  Like, when it's one of my employees it's a little more understandable because they are working.  But when she is just sitting there not engaging with anyone and looking down at her phone and people are still like, "Wow you're such a good artist!"  That's really saying something. 

And she would tell all these people, "Well, my girlfriend is the artist."  One person she said this to was like, "Well where is she?" while looking right at both of us.  I was standing next to her during this whole exchange.  It was like they were questioning why someone who looks like her would date someone so ugly like me. 

 

[mylolita]

42 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I see this everywhere.  I currently work the night shift at a 24 hour gym.  The girl who works with me is very good looking.  She's a former stripper, a cam girl, she has a big following on OnlyFans, etc.  I've worked there three months and had to pull teeth just to get my 90 days raise.  She started out 6 weeks ago making more money than me and already has gotten a raise just for no reason.  I have nothing personal against her.  She's really cool and great to work with.  But we both do the same work.  Why does the company think she deserves more money?  I have to wonder.

I see it the most working at festivals.  I have a few average looking employees.  But I also have a few hot employees.  Whenever I am working the booth with a hot person, they always get all the credit for everything.  People will tell them how beautiful their work is, how they are so gifted and talented, etc.  Then whenever my employee points to me and says, "She's the artist." I usually get an eyeroll and a "Oh." 

I had some guy just come into my booth once with a huge camera and start snapping pictures everywhere.  I asked why he was taking pics and he said, "I'm a photographer."  And I asked what he planned to do with the photos, since he was straight up taking pictures of all my paintings at this point.  He said, "I'm going to post them online."  I said, "Sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to stop."  (There are people who do this and then use the photos to create stuff on RedBubble, etc.)  The he pointed the camera at my employee and says to me, "Well first I want to get a few shots of the artist with her work."  And both my employee and I told him I'm actually the artist and he's just like, "Oh well nevermind then."

My roommate is a racist, a thief, a liar, an alcoholic and she gets off on screwing married/taken men and then laughing about it.  She has swastika tattoos, even.  But she's attractive so everyone just seems to overlook these things.  She brags about all the money she makes for doing practically nothing at her job because her boss likes her. 

Z is very attractive...  She looks like the actress Jessica De Gouw.  I'm sure that's why she gets away with a lot.  She has no problem getting a job anywhere despite her sketchy work history and having a felony on her record.  People who had been my friends for years sided with her when we broke up and didn't even seem to care about my side of the story at all. 

Talking about all the festival stuff...  She was with me at a show in Indianapolis about a year ago.  I had a male employee working with me at the booth.  And she was walking around the festival for most of the day.  But there were a couple times she just came and hung out in the booth for a while.  And she would just be sitting in the back of the booth playing on her phone while me and my employee are working, and multiple people went up to her to tell her how talented she is.  Like, when it's one of my employees it's a little more understandable because they are working.  But when she is just sitting there not engaging with anyone and looking down at her phone and people are still like, "Wow you're such a good artist!"  That's really saying something. 

And she would tell all these people, "Well, my girlfriend is the artist."  One person she said this to was like, "Well where is she?" while looking right at both of us.  I was standing next to her during this whole exchange.  It was like they were questioning why someone who looks like her would date someone so ugly like me. 

 

Cynder, 

 

You are being really so hard on yourself! You can’t be bad looking if you have had all these great lookin’ ex’s!

 

Maybe you are giving yourself way too hard a time about your appearance. Maybe other people are seeing something in you that you aren’t seeing in yourself. 
 

x

[Carnatic]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I see this everywhere.  I currently work the night shift at a 24 hour gym.  The girl who works with me is very good looking.  She's a former stripper, a cam girl, she has a big following on OnlyFans, etc.  I've worked there three months and had to pull teeth just to get my 90 days raise.  She started out 6 weeks ago making more money than me and already has gotten a raise just for no reason.  I have nothing personal against her.  She's really cool and great to work with.  But we both do the same work.  Why does the company think she deserves more money?  I have to wonder.

I see it the most working at festivals.  I have a few average looking employees.  But I also have a few hot employees.  Whenever I am working the booth with a hot person, they always get all the credit for everything.  People will tell them how beautiful their work is, how they are so gifted and talented, etc.  Then whenever my employee points to me and says, "She's the artist." I usually get an eyeroll and a "Oh." 

I had some guy just come into my booth once with a huge camera and start snapping pictures everywhere.  I asked why he was taking pics and he said, "I'm a photographer."  And I asked what he planned to do with the photos, since he was straight up taking pictures of all my paintings at this point.  He said, "I'm going to post them online."  I said, "Sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to stop."  (There are people who do this and then use the photos to create stuff on RedBubble, etc.)  The he pointed the camera at my employee and says to me, "Well first I want to get a few shots of the artist with her work."  And both my employee and I told him I'm actually the artist and he's just like, "Oh well nevermind then."

My roommate is a racist, a thief, a liar, an alcoholic and she gets off on screwing married/taken men and then laughing about it.  She has swastika tattoos, even.  But she's attractive so everyone just seems to overlook these things.  She brags about all the money she makes for doing practically nothing at her job because her boss likes her. 

Z is very attractive...  She looks like the actress Jessica De Gouw.  I'm sure that's why she gets away with a lot.  She has no problem getting a job anywhere despite her sketchy work history and having a felony on her record.  People who had been my friends for years sided with her when we broke up and didn't even seem to care about my side of the story at all. 

Talking about all the festival stuff...  She was with me at a show in Indianapolis about a year ago.  I had a male employee working with me at the booth.  And she was walking around the festival for most of the day.  But there were a couple times she just came and hung out in the booth for a while.  And she would just be sitting in the back of the booth playing on her phone while me and my employee are working, and multiple people went up to her to tell her how talented she is.  Like, when it's one of my employees it's a little more understandable because they are working.  But when she is just sitting there not engaging with anyone and looking down at her phone and people are still like, "Wow you're such a good artist!"  That's really saying something. 

And she would tell all these people, "Well, my girlfriend is the artist."  One person she said this to was like, "Well where is she?" while looking right at both of us.  I was standing next to her during this whole exchange.  It was like they were questioning why someone who looks like her would date someone so ugly like me. 

 

That sucks extra, when you work at something and people don't give you credit for it

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Cynder, 

 

You are being really so hard on yourself! You can’t be bad looking if you have had all these great lookin’ ex’s!

 

Maybe you are giving yourself way too hard a time about your appearance. Maybe other people are seeing something in you that you aren’t seeing in yourself. 
 

x

Most of my exes are unusual looking because that's what I'm attracted to.

My ex husband looked a lot like Rob Zombie. 

My ex bf Aaron, who I was with for a lot of years... he looked like a mad scientist.  That's the best way I can describe him.  A lot of people thought he looked like Claudio Sanchez, but he didn't really like being told that and he didn't see the resemblance.  He had two different colored eyes, too, which is something I find really attractive because it's so rare. 

The guy I dated before Z, who I've referred to here as D, he was hot.  He looked like a viking.  He had long wavy strawberry blond hair and blue eyes.  He worked out a lot so he had a really nice body.  And women approached him all the time and hit on him right in front of me.  I don't know if it's because they were just really catty mean girls or if they just assumed I wasn't his girlfriend because good looking people date good looking people. 

But, despite being so hot, a lot of people don't like him.  He's a festival vendor like me.  And he is not well liked in the scene at all.  He is notorious for just outright breaking rules and expecting other vendors and organizers to kiss his ass and make special exceptions just for him.  He was also raised in a wealthy family and has a trust fund, no bills to worry about, etc.  So he is used to just getting whatever he wants. 

Z is definitely the best looking of everyone from my past.  She is stunning.  And it isn't just me saying that because I still love her.  I thought she was stunning even when we were just friends.  But she's starting to lose her looks.  Her hair is graying, she's starting to get wrinkles around her mouth and eyes.  (Just so we're clear, none of that ever mattered to me.)  And she already has all this body dysphoria and hates the way she looks.  That's just going to make it harder on her as she ages.  And as she ages and gets less attractive she won't get away with as much.  Pretty soon she won't just be able to walk in anywhere and instantly have a job.  She won't be able to get anyone she likes to fall for her... (Especially since she tends to go for younger people.) 

I don't think I"m being hard on myself.  Society has a way of telling ugly people they are ugly.  Ugly people are invisible.  That's one reason I like it so much better in Europe because European standards of beauty are so different.  I go to Europe and people actually treat me like a person and not just some thing occupying space. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Honestly, in regards to looks, I think everyone has a shot to emphasize their good features and look better than they think.

Check out Tobi in This is us. At first, he didn't look that attractive. Seasons later he loses weight, adds a nice beard, stands up taller and has more confidence as a character. His confidence mainly makes him look so sexy despite not being a slim man with the ultimate features. Same happens for women. 

I think people need to look at themselves differently and emphasize their beautiful physical and personality features. Confidence is more contagious than good looks, and I've seen that in practice several times in life. So don't be so harsh on your looks Cynder. Look beyond that.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think everyone has a shot to emphasize their good features and look better than they think.

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think people need to look at themselves differently and emphasize their beautiful physical and personality features. Confidence is more contagious than good looks, and I've seen that in practice several times in life.

100% agree!

[Cynder]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Honestly, in regards to looks, I think everyone has a shot to emphasize their good features and look better than they think.

Check out Tobi in This is us. At first, he didn't look that attractive. Seasons later he loses weight, adds a nice beard, stands up taller and has more confidence as a character. His confidence mainly makes him look so sexy despite not being a slim man with the ultimate features. Same happens for women. 

I think people need to look at themselves differently and emphasize their beautiful physical and personality features. Confidence is more contagious than good looks, and I've seen that in practice several times in life. So don't be so harsh on your looks Cynder. Look beyond that.

I try not to be so hard on myself... but it's hard to undue years of conditioning.  My Dad told me how ugly I was all through childhood and always referred to my sister as "the pretty one."  And this wasn't sarcasm or just harmless teasing, either.  I remember being around multiple times when he whipped out his wallet and started showing pics of my sister to everyone and talking about how beautiful she is.  Then he would tell people he doesn't have any pictures of me in his wallet because they are all down in the basement to scare the rats away.  I'm not making this up, he actually said this, more than once.

Mine isn't a situation where just dressing nicer and wearing a little makeup will fix the problem.  I mean, I would need plastic surgery to fix my ugliness.  My eyes are a rare color (amber) and I've got that going for me.  But my eyes are also odd looking because I'm legally blind.  People have told me I just always look stoned.  It hasn't happened in years but I've had people be pretty rude to me about it.  Like strangers walking up to me out of nowhere and being like "What the hell's wrong with your eyes!" I had a boss when I worked retail who would wave her hand in front of my face every time we talked and say things like, "Yooohooo... Hellooooo.... Back to reality pleeeeeeease."  While the whole time I was coherent and looking right at her.  

When I started at my old job I had several friends who worked there.  Some of the other employees asked some of my friends what was wrong with me and there were comments made about me looking like I'm "demon possessed." 

So a lot of this comes from my eyes just being weird.  I've learned ways to make it less obvious over the years.  

I also have naturally curly hair which got me teased a lot when I was younger.  

I just know society doesn't lie when it comes to looks.  There are countless studies showing this.  I try not not be too hard on myself but I'm also not going to deny reality.   

[DarkCh0c0]

@CynderI'm sorry to hear about this. It must have been incredibly difficult growing up in such conditions.

I wasn't saying looks don't matter. I was saying confidence can outshine any looks! Like serious self-confidence. And this is something you are working on anyways. I read you were going to therapy, doing meditation, and other activities that will help you grow into a better and healthier version of you. And once you start to take the strengths out of those traumas and tough challenges, you'll be able to get that strengths back to where you need it: you. Your confidence and original personality.

One day you will find someone again who will look into your eyes and be amazed by them. And don't forget you've had previous partners... So you're not as bad as you think you are. You just need to get to a better place to find and attract people who are also in a better place. And you can do it.

[DarkCh0c0]

And I still think there are ways to emphasize your features if you want to! No convincing otherwise. Who knows, maybe as you calm the inner critic voice and start moving on and healing, your spirit will ask you for a new hairstyle or wardrobe :) something that will fit you nicer and will reflect your healed spirit.

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@CynderI'm sorry to hear about this. It must have been incredibly difficult growing up in such conditions.

I wasn't saying looks don't matter. I was saying confidence can outshine any looks! Like serious self-confidence. And this is something you are working on anyways. I read you were going to therapy, doing meditation, and other activities that will help you grow into a better and healthier version of you. And once you start to take the strengths out of those traumas and tough challenges, you'll be able to get that strengths back to where you need it: you. Your confidence and original personality.

One day you will find someone again who will look into your eyes and be amazed by them. And don't forget you've had previous partners... So you're not as bad as you think you are. You just need to get to a better place to find and attract people who are also in a better place. And you can do it.

I have noticed that people treat me better lately then they ever have before.  I always look back and think the things my dad said are the reasons I feel this way about myself.  (My Mom said a lot of awful things too, but her insults were more backhanded.)  But one thing I've thought about lately... why am I giving things my Dad said so much weight?  He was a scumbag.  He was 28 years old and married with a young daughter at home when he got my Mom pregnant and my Mom was only a teenager.  Why does this waste of space have any authority over how I feel about myself? 

I wish it was just him, though.  Like I said, my Mom said a lot of things too.  And my Mom seemed to want to do things to make me look uglier when I was growing up.  For years I had really short boyish hair because my Mom would just take me to my Grandma's house or my Aunt's house and have them cut it all off whenever it got to my shoulders.  I was told it was because my hair is curly and curly hair doesn't get long.  (BS) 

If anyone ever showed any interest in me, like asked me out or whatever when I was a teenager my Mom would automatically assume this person was mentally defective in some way or nasty in some way.  And if she couldn't find anything wrong with them then it was "Well they're just playing a trick on you.  You're just too dumb to see it." 

The fact that my ex thought my eyes were so beautiful was something that really stood out to me because a lot of people don't like my eyes.  She told me all the time that it was my eyes that attracted her to me, etc.  I would like to think someone else will eventually love my Demon eyes again... but realistically I highly doubt it. 

I hope I don't regret this but this is what I look like. 

https://imgur.com/a/7kDPnNg

One of those pics is taken at a festival, so I look my absolute best.  The other one is taken at home with no makeup and I actually had my natural hair color in that pic.  I am showing that one because you can see my eyes really well.

They are both less than two years old.  My hair is purple now, though. 

I am not posting these pics so everyone can tell me how not ugly I am.  I'm posting them because I'm sure people are probably curious, especially about my eyes. 

[arjumand]

You are just lovely and I really hope your are talking to your therapist about your dysmorphia and confidence -- I know PLENTY of people who would find you very attractive. I am very sorry that you have been treated so shabbily but it is now up to you to change your life and as an attractive, intelligent person, I am confident that you can make your life what you want it to be. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Lady, you are beautiful! You clearly underestimate your beauty.

6 hours ago, Cynder said:

She told me all the time that it was my eyes that attracted her to me, etc

There you go ^

I think CBT can do wonders to your inner critic voice coming from your parents. It takes work, but once you give that give less weight, you'll be more free to look at yourself in the mirror and say "i love me" or "i look hot''.

[Carnatic]

20 hours ago, Cynder said:

I have noticed that people treat me better lately then they ever have before.  I always look back and think the things my dad said are the reasons I feel this way about myself.  (My Mom said a lot of awful things too, but her insults were more backhanded.)  But one thing I've thought about lately... why am I giving things my Dad said so much weight?  He was a scumbag.  He was 28 years old and married with a young daughter at home when he got my Mom pregnant and my Mom was only a teenager.  Why does this waste of space have any authority over how I feel about myself? 

I wish it was just him, though.  Like I said, my Mom said a lot of things too.  And my Mom seemed to want to do things to make me look uglier when I was growing up.  For years I had really short boyish hair because my Mom would just take me to my Grandma's house or my Aunt's house and have them cut it all off whenever it got to my shoulders.  I was told it was because my hair is curly and curly hair doesn't get long.  (BS) 

If anyone ever showed any interest in me, like asked me out or whatever when I was a teenager my Mom would automatically assume this person was mentally defective in some way or nasty in some way.  And if she couldn't find anything wrong with them then it was "Well they're just playing a trick on you.  You're just too dumb to see it." 

The fact that my ex thought my eyes were so beautiful was something that really stood out to me because a lot of people don't like my eyes.  She told me all the time that it was my eyes that attracted her to me, etc.  I would like to think someone else will eventually love my Demon eyes again... but realistically I highly doubt it. 

I hope I don't regret this but this is what I look like. 

https://imgur.com/a/7kDPnNg

One of those pics is taken at a festival, so I look my absolute best.  The other one is taken at home with no makeup and I actually had my natural hair color in that pic.  I am showing that one because you can see my eyes really well.

They are both less than two years old.  My hair is purple now, though. 

I am not posting these pics so everyone can tell me how not ugly I am.  I'm posting them because I'm sure people are probably curious, especially about my eyes. 

You look good, I see what they mean about your eyes. They're a really nice colour and look bright and lively.

I know how you feel though. It's difficult to get past being told when you were growing up that you were ugly... more so given how frequent it was for you, and I suppose you won't know their motives either, if you believed it all why question them? You can learn to believe other nice things about yourself but the primal nature of what is essentially sexual attraction buries insecurities about that particular area deep, not to mention the assumption you're expected to make that you can never be loved because of it.

[catfeeder]

Ghaaad, Cynder, you're gorgeous!

With your upbringing, no doubt you've been heavily conditioned to view yourself, your history, your social interactions--every experience--through a dysmorphic lens.

It's all you ever known, so of course it makes no sense to expect that you can just "snap out of it". However, your recent changes in your tenderized state have created the perfect conditions for you to make huge strides in areas of confidence and self-approval

An old book by Jane Roberts comes to mind, "The Nature of Personal Reality," some writings from which can be found online. There are even YouTubers who read Jane's books if you'd prefer audio. The source of the material is controversial, although I never viewed that as the point. This book was given to me by my Aunt in my early 20's. It was influential in my ability to build resilience,  optimism and overcome a lifetime of self-loathing.

The basics include a premise that we each create our reality through our beliefs, and we tend to miss or ignore inputs that challenge those beliefs even while we catch every speck of 'proof' that reinforces them.

You never had a choice but to believe the dismal storyline you were fed by your parents and siblings, and the world has continued to reflect your own self image back to you.

That's not your fault--it was seeded and cultivated into you--.even while your intelligence has made it suspect. While you haven't yet found all of the tools to reverse it, you have been investing in the right direction and inventing excellent tools along the way. From here you will accelerate this process because you've had tastes of accomplishment. You've reached a tipping point, even though you haven't been able to fully enjoy it yet.

It's been hard for you to believe those voices who've found you beautiful because it's the nature of most relationships to be temporary. You're learning this, too, even while you still hold fears and sadness about it. Failed promises of 'forever' cause you to doubt that the love was ever real or that the loving lens through which you were viewed and nurtured was reliable.

Those states were real, Cynder. That's why I've enjoyed watching you defend against getting hemmed into predicting your own future behavior, because you get that we can all be sincere even while we are each flawed and often unable to uphold own own ideals.

Cheers to you, 
Cat

[spinstermanquee]

On 4/23/2022 at 5:20 PM, Carnatic said:

They're a really nice colour and look bright and lively.

❤️

[mylolita]

I would say amber eyes and red hair would make a very striking combo!

 

It’s such a shame your upbringing has beat you down so much Cynder. You need a way to tell those voices NO! And embrace yourself and enjoy your unique features!

 

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