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I swear my ex is a flippin' psychic...


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10 hours ago, mylolita said:

Wait I am so confused Cynder!

 

I have been following this thread, the advice has been great from a stander by’s point of view!

 

Are you a boy? I presumed you were female? And your ex is a transsexual? 
 

I guess it doesn’t matter, I am just confused here!

No, I'm female.  My ex was born biologically male but is transitioning to female and identifies as female. 

 

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14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

So now that you have done so, are you going to continue to respond to her if she contacts you again?

Well, to be 100% honest, a lot of that depends on how much time has passed and what she says when she contacts me.  If it's two months from now and she says all the same stuff, I'm likely just going to tell her I won't play this game with her again and then just not answer after that.  But say it's been a couple years, and she tells me she's been sober for a year and she's in therapy and working on herself, etc.  Then my answer probably would be different.  But I can't even say for sure because who knows where I will be in my own process at that time.  I know people will likely read this and jump all over me.  But I'm just being honest. 

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48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That doesn't really jibe with your previous posts that your goal in keeping in contact was to get closure as you defined it.  And then you did. Not jumping.  Observing.

Well I'm just being realistic.  I have no idea how my future self will handle the situation if she contacts me again. 

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4 hours ago, Cynder said:

Well I'm just being realistic.  I have no idea how my future self will handle the situation if she contacts me again. 

I think if she ever offers you an olive branch, you say 'I'm sorry too, and wishing you the best!"

& if she asks "well, sorry for what?" you stop engaging from there. Why? I have been following your threads and I think you both keep going in circles and there's no end. One minute you both are buds and next thing you know it, she's upset with you. 

That's just my advice. I know you care a lot about her but sometimes things are better left unsaid. 

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Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And what are you going to do when she starts dating someone else? 

She's already dated two people since leaving me.  

I think it's funny that so many people are asking what my future self will do so they can pick apart the answers. I'm not a psychic.  

Edited by Cynder
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8 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I think it's funny that so many people are asking what my future self will do so they can pick apart the answers. I'm not a psychic.  

Nobody expects you to have a crystal ball, Cynder. 

I am asking because we can usually predict how we will handle a future situation based on our patterns of behaviour throughout our lives. We can't ever say with certainty what will happen, but surely you can make some informed guesses based on what you know about yourself and your feelings for her. 

It's not a question meant to amuse you, but to encourage you to reflect. Take from that what you will. 

And to clarify, when I said dating someone else, I meant that she dates them more seriously and doesn't reach out to you anymore. That she becomes only a memory for you and not someone who is in your life in any capacity. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

I think if she ever offers you an olive branch, you say 'I'm sorry too, and wishing you the best!"

& if she asks "well, sorry for what?" you stop engaging from there. Why? I have been following your threads and I think you both keep going in circles and there's no end. One minute you both are buds and next thing you know it, she's upset with you. 

That's just my advice. I know you care a lot about her but sometimes things are better left unsaid. 

Not an excuse for her but my therapist has suggested more than once that my ex might have BPD.  Someone with BPD could love you one minute and be screaming that they hate you the next.  Then add to that all the alcohol.  A lot of times when she blows up she diesnt even remember it the next day.  But none of this absolves her.  She has no inte to. To get help that I'm aware of.  This is where the whole let's be friends! Then 2 days later, I'm so pissed off at you!  Dynamic comes from.  Now everyone will say I'm making excuses and defending her.  I'm not.  I'm getting tired of her games.  And if she has BPD, to her it's not a game.  

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14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Nobody expects you to have a crystal ball, Cynder. 

I am asking because we can usually predict how we will handle a future situation based on our patterns of behaviour throughout our lives. We can't ever say with certainty what will happen, but surely you can make some informed guesses based on what you know about yourself and your feelings for her. 

It's not a question meant to amuse you, but to encourage you to reflect. Take from that what you will. 

And to clarify, when I said dating someone else, I meant that she dates them more seriously and doesn't reach out to you anymore. That she becomes only a memory for you and not someone who is in your life in any capacity. 

Well i guess if that happens there won't be anything I can do other than just continue to live my life as I have been.  

I don't really see how asking me multiple times how I will react in hypothetical future situations is supposed to make me reflect.  I try to live my life in the present, not the future.  

 

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We all know how hard it is when you love someone. Love is blind and, with that veil, you tend to let a lot more slide than you would a normal friend or even family member. 
 

I have noticed from your blog mostly Cynder that, the relationships you have had, the people you fall in love with seem deeply troubled, with addictions and mental illnesses. This is made even more complicated by your history with family members being abusive, alcoholics, and other things. Relationships are hard enough when both people are stable and they come from a loving and secure family unit. 
 

I hope I’m not being too bold but, it seems there is a pattern and repetition there for these types of personalities. Have you ever wondered why you get involved or are drawn to these? Do you have a theory? 
 

I only say this because, talking about the future here, you don’t want to make the same mistake and end up with your next relationship taking advantage of you, making your life more trouble, playing games. It’s not worth it. You deserve more than that. 
 

Everyones opinion here; I think we agree, your ex needs to hit the wind, and, you need to make sure you are in a place where if someone comes along, love or no love, you can see whether they will be good for you or not. I say this with respect and care, because you have been through a lot, there is no sense in finally leaving this relationship, to then go through more of the same.


I am also not on my high horse dictating down too you. I struggle with repeating the same patterns and making the same mistakes and doing the same thing over and over and somehow expecting different results, magically!

 

You can turn this around and come out better, but, for the future to change, you may have to look back a bit, including on your time with this ex.

 

“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”


-Sir Winston Churchill

 

x

 

Edited by mylolita
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1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I don't really see how asking me multiple times how I will react in hypothetical future situations is supposed to make me reflect.  I try to live my life in the present, not the future. 

Because I would assume you don't want to repeat the same unhealthy choices in the future. 

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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Because I would assume you don't want to repeat the same unhealthy choices in the future. 

I don't.  But I can't say for sure how future me will handle certain situations.  A lot of that has to do with trying to live only in the present.  Tomorrow I could meet the most amazing person ever and forget all about my ex.  Or tomorrow I could die in a car accident.  Both are equally possible.  

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4 minutes ago, Cynder said:

 Tomorrow I could meet the most amazing person ever and forget all about my ex.  Or tomorrow I could die in a car accident.  

Or tomorrow you could win the lottery, move to Tahiti, take up snorkeling find a new species of fish and live happily ever after. 🌊🌴🐠

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I have to agree with the others Cynder,

 

The reality and likelihood is, the next year, or two, or three, you are going to have the same brain with the same wiring and you will probably repeat the same actions and patterns if you don’t assess and do some tweaking!

 

x

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12 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I don't.  But I can't say for sure how future me will handle certain situations.

Yes, you can know for sure. You can know that you are done and no matter what your ex does anymore, you are done. That you will tell her that you don't want this in your life anymore and that you are moving on to better things.

You just need to set that boundary, but you seem not to want that boundary- not yet at least.

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11 hours ago, Cynder said:

Well I'm just being realistic.  I have no idea how my future self will handle the situation if she contacts me again. 

I mean that's true -remote chances -of anything in life.  I'm talking about how that would be consistent with your present statement of why you wanted to be in contact with her till now.   I mean I'm married so I know my future self would stay true to her marriage vows based on my present intentions.  Could that ever change in the future? I mean sure the sky could fall or there could be abuse or infidelity, I suppose - but when I say "I am married and intend to stay committed" I don't mean "unless my future self develops amnesia and I forget I am married and cheat"  -just like you said that you wanted contact for closure.  You got closure. 

Do you intend right now not to be in more contact unless something like the sky falling in happens and she is the only person on the planet who can help you lift it back into place? Or are you open to more contact if you feel like being in contact in the future?  Two very different things and the second one would mean that what you said wasn't really that "I'm done once I get closure" it's "I got closure and we'll see how I feel if she contacts me in the future" (which is not what you wrote above unless I misunderstood).  

Many people live their lives in the present and also make commitments which mean something about future intentions "no matter what happens I will ____" -whether to themselves or someone else.  And they know that the sky falling in is hugely remote so they can promise knowing that that their promise means something.  If you don't promise yourself to that extent then it's not a real promise at all and you're not really living in the present, because living in the present in a healthful way also means making promises to yourself that mean something IMO.  Otherwise you can't have any goals or promise to show up at work, to show up for a friend or -in this case -to show up for yourself.     

You wouldn't tell your nephew "I can't promise not to lose contact with you in the future, I can't promise to show up for your birthday next week, to take you to [favorite fast food place] next Monday for dinner cause it depends how I am feeling that day in the future - you know I live my life in the present- so who knows?"  For example.               

Edited by Batya33
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32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Or tomorrow you could win the lottery, move to Tahiti, take up snorkeling find a new species of fish and live happily ever after. 🌊🌴🐠

Precisely. 

There's nothing wrong with admitting I don't know how I would handle something that hasn't (and might not) happen/ed yet.  The fact that so many people seem to have an issue with that is a little unsettling, honestly. 

If I was here listing tons of possible scenarios and how I would react to them a lot of the people here would be telling me to stop thinking so much about the future and live in the now. 

The way I see it, this whole situation is wrapped up and done.  Point blank period.  I don't really understand where all the "well what if abc happens?  Then what?  Huh huh huh????"  Ok well then what if xyz happens.  What will you do then, huh huh huh???"  And for some people I think no matter what answer I give it will be the wrong answer.  This is starting to feel like a job interview where they give you a bunch of made up situations and ask how you would handle them.

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34 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I have to agree with the others Cynder,

 

The reality and likelihood is, the next year, or two, or three, you are going to have the same brain with the same wiring and you will probably repeat the same actions and patterns if you don’t assess and do some tweaking!

 

x

So all the assessing and tweeking I've already done just doesn't count then? 

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You backpedaled on your promise by writing that who knows how my future self will feel/I live in the present. So it's not true that you intend -since you say you wanted this particular form of closure -and got it - to cut off all contact.  I love how Lolita put it in particular.  You haven't assessed or tweaked with that sort of "who knows if the sky will fall" response." Can't say it better myself than Lolita.  (And your therapist's suggestions are a guess -that's it -my dad was diagnosed bipolar, and with a combo of meds and therapy stayed committed to my mom and his family for 62 years plus). People with disabilities lack control over certain aspects of behavior etc because of disabilities. 

Your therapist cannot diagnose your ex, neither can you and whether she knows she is playing a game or not the effect on you is the same which is why you seemed to make this commitment to end contact.  

Edited by Batya33
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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I mean that's true -remote chances -of anything in life.  I'm talking about how that would be consistent with your present statement of why you wanted to be in contact with her till now.  So presently, you're done right? Or not?

Presently yes, I am done.  But how I will react in the future depends on a lot of variables. 

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Just now, Cynder said:

Presently yes, I am done.  But how I will react in the future depends on a lot of variables. 

Right - it depends on the variable of how you meant this promise you made to yourself.  Seems to me it's not a real promise which is why I wrote way above what you are writing now is inconsistent with your promise.

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You backpedaled on your promise by writing that who knows how my future self will feel/I live in the present. So it's not true that you intend -since you say you wanted this particular form of closure -and got it - to cut off all contact.  I love how Lolita put it in particular.  You haven't assessed or tweaked with that sort of "who knows if the sky will fall" response." Can't say it better myself than Lolita.  (And your therapist's suggestions are a guess -that's it -my dad was diagnosed bipolar, and with a combo of meds and therapy stayed committed to my mom and his family for 62 years plus). People with disabilities lack control over certain aspects of behavior etc because of disabilities. 

Your therapist cannot diagnose your ex, neither can you and whether she knows she is playing a game or not the effect on you is the same which is why you seemed to make this commitment to end contact. 

I never claimed I could diagnose my ex.  Never claimed my therapist could either. 

Edited by Cynder
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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You backpedaled on your promise by writing that who knows how my future self will feel/I live in the present. So it's not true that you intend -since you say you wanted this particular form of closure -and got it - to cut off all contact.  I love how Lolita put it in particular.  You haven't assessed or tweaked with that sort of "who knows if the sky will fall" response." Can't say it better myself than Lolita.  (And your therapist's suggestions are a guess -that's it -my dad was diagnosed bipolar, and with a combo of meds and therapy stayed committed to my mom and his family for 62 years plus). People with disabilities lack control over certain aspects of behavior etc because of disabilities. 

Your therapist cannot diagnose your ex, neither can you and whether she knows she is playing a game or not the effect on you is the same which is why you seemed to make this commitment to end contact.  

I never claimed I could diagnose my ex. 

I'm not even really sure what your point is, honestly.  Is it just to throw a bunch of stuff in my face or what? 

Edited by Cynder
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7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right - it depends on the variable of how you meant this promise you made to yourself.  Seems to me it's not a real promise which is why I wrote way above what you are writing now is inconsistent with your promise.

You keep talking about this promise I made.  Where?  I never once used the word promise.  I never once said, "I promise to myself ..." 

So what are you even talking about?

Saying I don't know how I will handle a situation that hasn't happened yet because there are a lot of variables is backpedaling and breaking a promise (that I never made)?  Lol...

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