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Not sure if my feelings are valid


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I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 3. We are mostly very happy in our relationship, it is kept some what exciting that he serves in the military (luckily he does not deploy much if ever!)

Basically we have recently moved and I am waiting to start my new job in the area, no longer working from home.

I feel constantly bored and fed up with nothing to look forward too. I drink and probably too much on weekends only, but this is because my husband plays on his games alot, which is fine - we do couple-y things sometimes if planned by me.  However I have mentioned about going on a holiday before we plan on starting a family, every plan made is organised by me and he just pushes everything to the side. Today he said well would you rather a holiday or to save for a mortgage etc? We currently have no children and double income so I don't see why we can't do both. We also discussed setting up a joint account so I can feel like a contribute more to household bills, savings as everything seems a bit strange at the moment. (If we get the food shopping we are fighting over who is paying) that's my thoughts on getting a joint account anyway.

 

His response was he doesn't trust me with a joint account, I got very upset by this, granted I am very hormonal this week! But his responses I find even more upsetting. If I am crying over these low feelings, he just laughs and says I am being too sensitive and I am crying to get my own way. It's hard to explain but he does not comfort me at all (note I don't get upset often).

 

I don't know what I am getting at, I just don't feel listened to or appreciated. Although I work from home at the moment I do all the household tasks, I don't have any friends local to me and feel very isolated. I don't feel I can speak with him anymore about how I feel so guess I just wanted some advice. Am I too sensitive. All I ever want is something to look forward too when life feels a bit pointless and mundane for me.

 

Thanks

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27 minutes ago, KellyMarie182 said:

I drink and probably too much on weekends only, but this is because my husband plays on his games alot. We currently have no children

 

His response was he doesn't trust me with a joint account

The first thing to do for yourself and particularly for your health if you plan on a family one day, is to address the problem drinking.

Does alcoholism run in your family? Is your husband a heavy drinker? Read up on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

It's not his fault you are drinking too much. He's checked out and you two argue too much about all sorts of common goals, money future, just about everything that should have been sorted out by now.

Your marriage has poor trust, communication and a damaged connection.

See if this helps you: https://www.aa.org/self-assessment

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Why don't you both set up 3 accounts, His, Hers, and Ours?

All shared bills, expenses, investments are paid from the Ours account, and you each contribute the necessary percentages (proportional to your earnings) from your own accounts to meet these needs.

Once the Ours account is satisfied each month, you each keep the remainder of your money to spend or save as you wish. You both work on the budgets and pay the bills together using the Our account, so you both share the decisions and responsibilities in handling shared expenses.

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If he doesn’t trust you with a bank account why on earth would he marry you? I certainly wouldn’t have children with someone who didn’t trust me. There are bigger issues here than just a holiday. Also please do not get pregnant while drinking. That can lead to all kinds of birth defects ,behavioural issues and lifelong disability. 

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12 hours ago, KellyMarie182 said:

Basically we have recently moved and I am waiting to start my new job in the area, no longer working from home.

I feel constantly bored and fed up with nothing to look forward too. I drink and probably too much on weekends only, but this is because my husband plays on his games alot, which is fine - we do couple-y things sometimes if planned by me.

You are bored, due to recently moving & no friends?  Then you need to act on that and find something to do & some new friends locally.

Drinking heavily on your weekends won't improve anything.

If you want to change some things, then you need to do something in order to have a change.

In ways, I feel you resent him. Because he never plans anything?  Because all he does is game?

Then YOU go do something on your own.  Join some local groups online- eg, if you have a hobby, crafty, sporty?

As mentioned, if HE does not trust you, why are you two married?  That should have been done by now.. together 8 yrs and married for 3.. with literally nothing merged 'together' yet. 😕 .

I think you two have a few issue's to iron out before considering bringing kids into this...relationship.

 

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This is very sad to read because it sounds like you married him at a low point in your life or didn’t ever feel satisfied with this lifestyle being a military spouse. It was something you might have felt interesting because it’s an honourable job for your husband but you have little to no identity for yourself. 

Start cultivating your interests and any intellectual pursuits right away. Spend more time engaging with others and your interests. Don’t fight about who pays. Take turns. Focusing on joint accounts is besides the point. It’s symbolic of togetherness and that’s something lacking in your heart. A bank account may make up for a fraction of that emptiness but it won’t take care of void you feel. 

You have to go back to your reasons for marrying this person and why you chose this lifestyle. Are you compatible with one another? His past time is gaming and what are your hobbies? He doesn’t seem to challenge you intellectually even though he does mock you and belittle you. 

Get out of this rut and start living your life. Rethink your marriage or the way you’re approaching this void and dissonance. It doesn’t sound like there was anything ever that interesting about marrying someone like him.

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