Dating is exhausting

[kim42]

Hello everyone,

Lately I’ve been feeling emotionally drained when it comes to dating and meeting men in general.

I just feel out of my luck, every time I like someone, they either have a girlfriend, or they show interest only to disappear later. I know this happens to a lot of people, but lately I feel like I’m only attracting men I’m not interested in.  The ironic thing is that I get a lot of attention from men, but for some reason not from those that I like.

I’m not the biggest extrovert, but I’ve been working on this and I have joined different groups to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. This has been successful so far, but my dating life is still a mess.  I’m also on this dating app but there are mostly weirdos.

I have a steady job, my coworkers like me, I have many friends, I have hobbies and I’ve tried to stay social even during the pandemic (without breaking the rules 😊 ), so from the outside my life looks all good but I feel so lonely sometimes.

People usually like me, I get many compliments from men and women, it’s true I can be a little shy at first, but I don’t think I am high maintenance or something.

I’ve bee trying to show more interest when I like someone because before I’d just wait for a guy to make a move, but it hasn’t changed much.

I don’t want to turn into a cynical woman who will hate all men, I try hard to keep a positive mindset, but I feel like I’ll never find someone who’s compatible with me.

I sometimes wonder how other women find a boyfriend or end up a with a guy they I like. I don’t mean it in a jealous way, I’m truly curious because I think I am doing something wrong here.

I don’t know if this makes sense, I’m sorry, I’m just sad today and emotionally exhausted from everything.

[Betterwithout]

You are right, this DOES happen to a lot of people.  Settling isn't doing anyone any favors.  
When I was dating, I heard this complaint from almost every woman out there.  Weirdos, men in their 30's living in their parents basements playing video games)

Don't turn cynical like many women and men I have met.  
In terms of you getting out of your comfort zone, do even more. (a little tougher in the pandemic)
but really think outside of the box of places you can meet quality men.
Yes, many great men are taken, but there are some out there, just need to find them.

Usually it's just right place at the right time, or plain luck.

Half of my friends are happily married and fully in love, the others are divorced, single and sadly some widowed.
 

Maybe taking a little break from online apps would be good.  

[Rose Mosse]

I’m sorry, Kim. It’s good to let it out. It can be exhausting. Take a break from dating new people for awhile and recharge. 

[smackie9]

*Find someone that shares the same passion. Sure there's the attraction, then the dates but what catches a man deeply is what you share strongly in an interest if he has one. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don’t know if this makes sense, I’m sorry, I’m just sad today and emotionally exhausted from everything.

Don't despair. Sometimes it's just tough. Winter. The pandemic. And with Vday approaching it's just magnifying these feelings for everyone. Take a deep breath and remember that spring is around the corner.🦥

[kim42]

Thanks everyone, I was feeling down today. I used to be excited about dating and meeting someone, but now I just can't be bothered anymore. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

Lately I’ve been feeling emotionally drained when it comes to dating and meeting men in general.

Then maybe just stop.  Stop trying so hard.  Stop trying to do this.

And in time you may just meet up or run into someone you do fancy & they feel the same.

Is no good on your health to feel exhausted doing this.

I hit exhaustion a few yrs ago with life becoming so overwhelming in all area's  😕 .

I feel, if you keep this up, you'll wear yourself thin and not feel okay anymore or turn a negative eye onto other's with despair and hurt.

So, back off with expectations as it's true, it can take a good while before anything positive works out for you. Can take many months or years. ( look at the status out there on decent, real, single people, lol.  Sadly, yes, many are 'damaged' in some ways, from their own experiences) 😕 ... So, I've chosen not to go searching or anything  and instead remain on my own and continue as I am with no expectations, also knowing I am also affected by a lot and am not 'able' to give much.  But, I'm okay this way.  Rather this than experiencing another negative which will bring me down again.

Also, I've heard so many times, we can't 'give' if we, ourselves are not up to par!  So, do try to remain focused on yourself and keep moving ahead.

Be kind to yourself and carry on as you are and don't 'force it'.

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don’t want to turn into a cynical woman who will hate all men, I try hard to keep a positive mindset, but I feel like I’ll never find someone who’s compatible with me.

I sometimes wonder how other women find a boyfriend or end up a with a guy they I like. I don’t mean it in a jealous way, I’m truly curious because I think I am doing something wrong here.

I feel you -I went through that feeling so many times, rinse repeat.  Mostly in hindsight I realized I had to become the right person to find the right person.  I became a person who was no longer excited by unavailable men (no I did not pursue married men -I mean unavailable to me in some way).  For example.  Also it's true it was partly luck and timing but not all, not even close. 

I also was rewarded for being proactive, for putting myself out there, for saying yes to opportunities (including the "catch up dinner" with my ex fiancee who is now my husband).  I maintained close platonic friendships with men which helped my perspective a lot.  I treated myself with dignity and respect and stuck to my values.  That meant I often was treated with respect -more often than not (yes yes I met my share of jerks over the 25 years I dated on and off). 

Also -this is the shallow part -I was no glamor girl but I was fit, slim, looked young and healthy and reasonably attractive. I wore clothes that flattered me but weren't all "come hither and let's hook up right now".  I carried myself with confidence, I genuinely was interested in what made people tick so I was constantly meeting peope -men and women. I was financially independent, good job, lived on my own.  So men weren't concerned I was looking for someone to "provide" for me. 

I do think looks matter to an extent -as do how you carry yourself -posture, presence, body language and in the city I dated women who were overweight had a disadvantage.  Just speaking the truth, back then, maybe it's changed.  Oh and I preferred men who were on the shorter side so that increased my dating pool.  Most women I knew preferred taller men much the same as the men preferred slim women. 

I also moved on quickly - he said he would call and didn't and no apologies - bye bye.  He mentioned sexual stuff too early on - see ya.  He asked me out last minute and didn't follow up by planning a date in advance - go find some woman who wants to be an afterthought -not me! This meant I had more time to meet men who might be a good match. 

I hope your phase of feeling down/drained passes quickly.  I get it.  I really do.  Good luck. 

 

[spinstermanquee]

Man, Batya33 ^^^ had a lot of good suggestions...

My only add would be, what are you projecting out into the world?  Like, are you feeling whole and happy with yourself?  Are you feeling like you need something, something is missing or wrong, or if there could be a void somewhere inside?  If so, that's a great starting place to explore before engaging in the next romantic relationship.  Not everything is about the couple dynamic.  Sometimes parenting isn't optimal.

There is also nothing wrong with taking a beat, as some others ^^^ suggested.  For me, I do spa treatments, spoil myself, take big ole long expensive hot baths (yes I pay my own electric bill for those of you who read that other thread about the gf baths, haha).  I'm booking all my weekends up for trips to family, friends, and potential fellow goddesses 😉

[kim42]

18 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I also moved on quickly - he said he would call and didn't and no apologies - bye bye.  He mentioned sexual stuff too early on - see ya.  He asked me out last minute and didn't follow up by planning a date in advance - go find some woman who wants to be an afterthought -not me! This meant I had more time to meet men who might be a good match. 

I hope your phase of feeling down/drained passes quickly.  I get it.  I really do.  Good luck. 

 

Thank you, Batya, this is something I need to work on. I tend to to overthink and overanalyze how a man behaves and the things he does, or doesn't do, and that's part of the reason why I feel drained I guess.

[kim42]

So I felt sad and out of my luck yesterday because of this guy who seemed to be interested, but he's been giving me mixed signals, and it seems he likes someone else too, and I feel he's just keeping me around if his plans don't work out. 

I don't know why I have this feeling that a man would fill the void in my life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

So I felt sad and out of my luck yesterday because of this guy who seemed to be interested, but he's been giving me mixed signals, and it seems he likes someone else too, and I feel he's just keeping me around if his plans don't work out. 

I don't know why I have this feeling that a man would fill the void in my life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard.

Why do you feel it's up to a man to fill voids in your life? It's up to us to do this. Expecting a man to make you feel whole is just setting yourself up for disappointment and puts unrealistic pressure on him without him even realizing it.

Do you approach your dating goals as searching for the right man for you? Do you ask yourself if you truly like the men you date? Or are you more concerned with whether or not THEY like YOU?

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

So I felt sad and out of my luck yesterday because of this guy who seemed to be interested, but he's been giving me mixed signals, and it seems he likes someone else too, and I feel he's just keeping me around if his plans don't work out. 

I don't know why I have this feeling that a man would fill the void in my life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard.

Had he asked you out on a date? That's the only sign that he wants to date you so what was "mixed" -I ask because you might be getting in your own way/increasing your own frustration by reading into "signals"- if wanting a man to want to date you with serious potential as your goal then unless he is asking you out or accepting with enthusiasm you asking him out assume he's not interested in dating you.  

I know it's forbidden to want a relationship to "fill a void" - you're supposed to be complete and your partner just enhances your life, not fills a void - but I mean I never looked at is as "fill a void" but goal was marriage and family -those were missing until I found my partner.  So yes those two things were missing in my life -a "void" -no.... but I didn't lie to myself and  tell myself I was complete and perfectly happy without having a partner and the opportunity for a family.  It's a delicate balance.

How are you trying too hard? What do you do that you think shows that?

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 2/10/2022 at 12:33 PM, kim42 said:

I don’t know if this makes sense, I’m sorry, I’m just sad today and emotionally exhausted from everything.

Hi there.  This makes perfect sense to me only I'm a guy looking for a woman.  Not only has it been exhausting but also frustrating.  I will tell you though, you're much better off than me.  Be happy that you have a steady job, friends, and coworkers that like you.  I lost my job late last month, most of my friends are flakes, and with my last job my coworkers were all virtual and never in-person.  One question I have, what constitutes weirdos outside of those living with parents and playing video games the basement in addition to those who just want sex?

[kim42]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Had he asked you out on a date? That's the only sign that he wants to date you so what was "mixed" -I ask because you might be getting in your own way/increasing your own frustration by reading into "signals"- if wanting a man to want to date you with serious potential as your goal then unless he is asking you out or accepting with enthusiasm you asking him out assume he's not interested in dating you.  

 

He didn't ask me out, but we would talk a lot, and he was also all over my social media, so I thought he might be interested, but maybe I have read too much into these signals. 

[kim42]

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why do you feel it's up to a man to fill voids in your life? It's up to us to do this. Expecting a man to make you feel whole is just setting yourself up for disappointment and puts unrealistic pressure on him without him even realizing it.

Do you approach your dating goals as searching for the right man for you? Do you ask yourself if you truly like the men you date? Or are you more concerned with whether or not THEY like YOU?

That's a good question, I am definitely more concerned with whether or not they like me. I don't know why I am like this, I think it should be the other way around but it's as if I needed to tick a man off my list in my head - ok, he likes me. I know this must sound unhealthy 😐

[kim42]

7 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Hi there.  This makes perfect sense to me only I'm a guy looking for a woman.  Not only has it been exhausting but also frustrating.  I will tell you though, you're much better off than me.  Be happy that you have a steady job, friends, and coworkers that like you.  I lost my job late last month, most of my friends are flakes, and with my last job my coworkers were all virtual and never in-person.  One question I have, what constitutes weirdos outside of those living with parents and playing video games the basement in addition to those who just want sex?

I'm sorry, I know it's hard for everyone. As for the weirdos from dating apps, they usually just want sex. In real life, I've met men who were clingy after the first date, or they would have a girlfriend. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, beatlesfan77 said:

Hi there.  This makes perfect sense to me only I'm a guy looking for a woman.  Not only has it been exhausting but also frustrating.  I will tell you though, you're much better off than me.  Be happy that you have a steady job, friends, and coworkers that like you.  I lost my job late last month, most of my friends are flakes, and with my last job my coworkers were all virtual and never in-person.  One question I have, what constitutes weirdos outside of those living with parents and playing video games the basement in addition to those who just want sex?

I really dislike the comparison game when it comes to people who want to find a partner.  In 1998 I was unhappily single, early 30s and went to my friend's daughter's 1st bday party.  A childhood friend. Her first child. 

My friend's older sister was there -I knew her from childhood too -she was a mom of two.  In a vulnerable moment I said to her that I hoped to be a mom someday and she said with her eyes wide open in surprise "but you're a [insert the title of my then successful professional title]"!!! Um, really? So because I was a successful professional that meant I was supposed to give up on my dream of being a married mother? I was supposed to count my blessings I suppose.  

I heard that whole tired cliche again and again -that somehow because I was a Career Woman (are men Career Men?) I obviously didn't want to get married and be a mom and moreover certain men might be "intimidated" by my success.  

I'm very sorry other parts of your life are not going well but I don't think that means someone who wants to find a partner should not be heard to complain. 

To me the types who I found weird -in answer to your question -were those men who couldn't interact socially in a conversation during a walk or over coffee- the guy who told me about how he was going to keep his car till it reached the number of miles that it takes to get to the moon, and how he listened to audio self help books while driving (gave me the titles), the guy who leaned across the table at me three times in a 45 minute lunch and said I'M GOING TO CALL YOU!!!! - which he did -three weeks later (I never responded).

Weird is telling me about how he got fired and me trying to be polite and not pry and then being chastised for not asking him about why he got fired. 

Weird is wanting me to meet on a street corner and then decide where to go to dinner by a guy who had ten days to plan our evening in a city teeming with restaurants.  Weird is addressing the waiter in broken spanish without knowing what language the waiter speaks.  Weird is interrupting me to read my profile out loud in a bored, droning voice during our first phone call. And weird is inviting me to meet for coffee, telling me he is not hungry, then when I order something to eat because I am (and tell him I plan on paying for it), eating half of what I ordered and not offering to chip in or leave the tip. 

Should I go on?  Guess what. Other than for really short periods of time in my 24 years of dating on and off I never got cynical or jaded.  Partly because I screened some of those weird behavior types out before meeting and some because I had a really thick skin and kept my eye on the prize.  You asked for examples (from the OP but figured I'd chime in). Those are mine. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

He didn't ask me out, but we would talk a lot, and he was also all over my social media, so I thought he might be interested, but maybe I have read too much into these signals. 

He was interested in talking to you and following your social media.  Those are not signs he is interested in dating you.  A man who is interested in dating you will ask you out on a date, or respond enthusiastically when you ask him.  The end.  Are there exceptions -no for this purpose -because you'll drive yourself insane and waste precious time reading into signals that are in all likelihood irrelevant.  There's nothing at all to see, nothing to read into.  I promise you a man who is interested in dating you is going to get right to the point so you're not snapped up by some other guy and he misses his chance. 

One of my husband's close friends told him, 16 years ago, not to ask me to get back together that soon (three weeks after we met for a friendly catch up dinner) but to go back to his city (a plane ride away) and keep in touch with me and if it seemed to be going well for a few months then raise it. 

My best guess is that if he'd waited that long chances would have been really slim because I would have wondered what took him so long, I'd have been actively trying to meet other men and I wouldn't have kept in touch in any flirty way because I'd have wanted not to get my hopes up.  

And when he asked me -even though it was so hard to even discuss it, so improbable we'd try again after all we'd been through - there was no reading in -and no this is not just "me" - my strong sense is that a person who wants to be with another person doesn't risk "signs".  He said "do you want to get back together?"  I paused, got teary, took maybe 20 seconds to answer (see -no "signs" to read from me either) and I said "yes!"  Then no signs needed for what our goals were.

Our next conversation right after that was to confirm what we meant - through tears and emotions - but the priority was -be clear -these are our hearts and our lives.  So we confirmed we were going to be exclusive, our goal was to see if we should get married, and I think we discussed the long distance part too.  It took about 5 minutes or less? No signs. 

No "we need to work on communication" - it's really something when you get two people together -one of whom is quite reserved and can be introverted (him) and the other who is not going to assume anything so she's not putting words in his mouth (me) - but both want the same exact thing - the words are short, direct, simple even if the emotions are tumultuous, even if the vulnerability and risk is huge.  

Asking you out on a date -is just a date - not forever like we were talking about so it's even more simple.  Many men will be interested in chatting with you, flirting with you, doing activities with you, maybe even playing kissy face with you and they will not at all be interested in dating you or so lukewarm so why bother. 

A man who wants to take you on a date will plan it in advance and ask you and show up reliably.  (Or like I said will respond enthusiastically -I personally am not the biggest fan of a woman doing most of the asking out in the beginning but that's because I tended to go for more traditional relationships).  

[Rose Mosse]

19 hours ago, kim42 said:

So I felt sad and out of my luck yesterday because of this guy who seemed to be interested, but he's been giving me mixed signals, and it seems he likes someone else too, and I feel he's just keeping me around if his plans don't work out. 

I don't know why I have this feeling that a man would fill the void in my life, maybe I shouldn't try so hard.

If he’s interested you’ll know. That you feel like a he’s just keeping you around and this is one-sided tells you it’s best to end that interaction. He may not be aware he’s doing it if he only sees you as a friend. Or, he’s pursuing someone else. 

Is it the same man in your Dec/21 thread?

 

[kim42]

9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If he’s interested you’ll know. That you feel like a he’s just keeping you around and this is one-sided tells you it’s best to end that interaction. He may not be aware he’s doing it if he only sees you as a friend. Or, he’s pursuing someone else. 

Is it the same man in your Dec/21 thread?

 

Yes, Rose, it's the same man. I just need to move on from him, I feel silly that I keep waiting for him to do something.  

[Rose Mosse]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, Rose, it's the same man. I just need to move on from him, I feel silly that I keep waiting for him to do something.  

When you meet someone and hit it off he won’t want to let anyone else have the opportunity to be with you if he’s into you. If he doesn’t seem to care by now two months later move on. I’m assuming you have tried to flirt with him or be friendly and he didn’t reciprocate the interest. Let go.

Think of the freedom you’ll have and space in your heart to be with someone else.  

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I just need to move on from him, I feel silly that I keep waiting for him to do something.  

Do you run into him in social groups/socializing? If so step back. Join some other groups and clubs. Get involved in sports and fitness. Try not to focus on one person who shows no interest. 

[Andrina]

28 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, Rose, it's the same man. I just need to move on from him, I feel silly that I keep waiting for him to do something. 

Instead of thinking of it as a void, why not think of it as a very normal goal of wanting a companion to enjoy life with? The secret is to quickly cut loose people who don't share that goal of doing that very thing with you.

That guy is the equivalent of a virtual pen pal. Therefore, he should have been cut off 3 to 4 weeks after no date was suggested. Because all that time and emotional energy you're pouring into a nowhere man is time you could have invested in your goal.

I didn't do everything right in my dating experiences when I was single, but that is one I did do right--releasing the minnows to keep my sights on the big catch.

I suggest getting out into the world in ways you haven't before. I tried so many things, not knowing which one would pan out, but even in some activities, even if I didn't find a partner, I still had fun with those activities. I took group swing dance lessons with a dance that followed. I went to meet up.com group get-togethers for singles in my age group. And I did OLD, and yes, there are plenty of guys there that just wanted hookups, but others were like me really wanting a companion, but of course, the chemistry wasn't always there for one or both of us. Ultimately, I did find my husband through OLD. I see it as having to sift through tons of beach sand to find the treasure.

Since the process takes time, that's one thing you can do starting right now--blocking people who are wasting your time and distracting you from your goal. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

That's a good question, I am definitely more concerned with whether or not they like me. I don't know why I am like this, I think it should be the other way around but it's as if I needed to tick a man off my list in my head - ok, he likes me. I know this must sound unhealthy 😐

This mindset will keep you stuck where you are currently.  

So you have absolutely no qualities that you would like a man to have in order to want to get to know him better?  All that's required is "he likes me"?

If you are approaching dating from an unhealthy mindset, why not take a break for a while?  It might be worthwhile to explore (perhaps with a professional) your approach and whether or not it's actually working for you.