Is this a big deal or am I over thinking it?

[lionheart153]

I need advice. 

I'll try to keep it short. My Gf of 1 year, has been insecure with our relationship whenever we go out and she has to much to drink. Doesn't happen often as with Covid nights out aren't super common. But lets say once a month or so. When she gets insecure she often brings up my ex who she never met, but because she was kind of a famous local social media influencer (3-4000 followers) and during the short time we dated she encouraged me to post on instagram more and she also posted about me. After the break up she did not take any of those things down and I blocked her so I simply was removed from the tags. But pictures of me with her still existed. Of course my current gf happen to follower her during all this. Fast forward 8 months later I met my current partner and every time she gets insecure she brings my ex back up, lamenting on the fact that she doesn't know if I love her as it looked like I loved my ex as much. 

I used to brush it off but it really affects her so I try my best to reassure her and show that I do love her and that I am in it for the long haul. Near xmas, another girl that I had been talking to before i started dating my gf, msg'd me out of the blue. Basically she seemed to want closure on us (long story but she and I had a falling out, we never even met in person just talked on phone and text) but I had moved on long ago. I felt it was the right thing to do to show my gf for honesty as I was planning to reply and help her get her closure if that was what she needed. My GF did not take it well but after calming down just told me to do what I had to do but don't bring her up which is fair. 

Fast forward to last night, we've been having trouble for the past few weeks with communication. I got her a dog for Christmas and it has taken a toll on the relationship because she feels she does more work taking care of it, which she does as I am usually at work and rarely at home while she works from home. I've noticed that something was bothering her but every time I press she says it is nothing. Last night we were out with her friends and having food and drinks. She got quite drunk, so drunk she puked 3 times on the way home which I have never seen her do so before. However I noticed she was texting someone during dinner and I asked who, and maybe cause she was drunk but she didn't hide her phone well, I noticed that name that looked like the guy she had a thing with a year before we met she never committed her. I asked her about it and she showed me her snapchat and yet it was. He replied to a snap she posted on her story about having drinks. I admit at first I over reacted but it was because the fact she made sure i deleted and blocked all my ex's which i did so happily as I really saw a future with her) I started to text her some pretty angry msgs as i did not wnat to cause a scene. I think it really upset her and she went to the washroom. She ended up msg the guy again and it was not until we got home and into an argument that i found out what she texted him. I'm upset and I say since it was nothing, that it was just about the picture she posted let me see what you texted back. So gave me her phone but I don't know if she meant for me to see this or not but maybe she didn't delete what she thought she was trying to delete. It said this:

Her: I want you

Him: What, I thought you had a bf?

Her: it's different

Him: what do you mean?

She never replied cus that last msg was what I say. Obviously that made things worse. She claimed it wasnt a sexual thing it was, it was emotional because this guy was that for her at one point. She claims our sex life is the best she ever had so it was not sexual. So i don't know what to believe. 

long story short she cried and and apologized, as she sobered up. She kept crying and saying she made a mistake, she felt terrible and thinks she broke the trust between us, because honestly our relationship felt almost to perfect before. we talked late into the night, it still bothers me what I read, but this morning I had a talk with my best friend and he said that the trust will always have a crack in it. And that it will take time to heal. I asked if she was willing to work on it and she said yes.

I guess to TLDR, am I over reacting, or was it accurate reaction. And Is this to far-gone from saving or is this something that could make us stronger if we are able to get through it?

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

Last night we were out with her friends and having food and drinks. She got quite drunk, so drunk she puked 3 times on the way home

The sooner you cut your losses the better. You're with a budding problem drinker with serious control and jealousy issues. 

 Are you living together in less than a year of dating? That's the cherry on the top of this red flag cake.🍰🚩🚩

Move out or ask her to. 

[Batya33]

You two are way too focused on texting and social media instead of simply speaking to each other.  I believe texting is great for the mundane stuff -I text my husband about appointments/scheduling/routines so we don't have to have those borrrrring conversations and we text each other links to funny articles etc but otherwise -- drum roll - we talk to each other!  Most often in person but when we were dating we were on the phone for about a half hour on days we didn't see each other.  Try it.  Cuts down on a lot of the drama.

I think you overshared with your girlfriend about some online stranger who needed "closure" and I think it was really foolish of you to give "closure" to an online woman by messaging with her - you don't know her, do not know if she needed closure, do not know if her plan was to then share it with you girlfriend.  Why burden your girlfriend with that and why do it? That's not "helpful" to a person who for all practical purposes is a stranger because you have no clue if that person needs "closure" and how can she get that from someone she had a fantasy online interaction with?

I think you two are a poor match.  She has a drinking problem for sure.  I would end things and take the dog if it's too much work for her to prevent the risk of harm coming to the dog.

[Wiseman2]

Is this the one who cleaned your house as a "surprise" and rifled through your stuff?

Review this instructional video:

 

[SooSad33]

Whollay . Been together only 1 year and are already living together and have a dog? 😐

 

1 hour ago, lionheart153 said:

She kept crying and saying she made a mistake, she felt terrible and thinks she broke the trust between us, because honestly our relationship felt almost to perfect before.

Yah, perfect?  I don't think so...

As other's have mentioned, SHE lacks trust and is causing her own problems now.

SHE drinks in excess 😕 .

YOU did not need to to anywhere re: another woman and then mention it to your present GF.

I agree, you two are not a good match.

You both seem to need some work on yourselves and figure you stuff out.

Get yourselves a little more in the 'stable' department and get rid of all of the excess baggage you've got.

When you look to date again, do it with a clean slate.  No ex's hovering over your new relationship and FOCUS on the one you've got. And for sure, slow it all down!  Don't move in together so fast & get pets, etc.  Take it slower by just dating a good year or two to see IF you're all the compatible.

I say you move on and yah, keep the dog or let her keep it, IF she's really into it.

 

[lionheart153]

I cannot remove my ex's from this world. I dont talk to them and I dont have any contact. I am completely over and moved past them. No ex is hovering over me. 

So what I am to walk away from a relationship that is compatible in every other way? Also I don't know if it was made clear or not but she doesn't drink excessively, a beer or a drink for dinner after a long day of work, maybe. But only time it gets to much is when there is a get together and everyone is trying to let loose in this hard times. It happens once a month, sometimes none at all. Also there has been pretty much no conflict since then. The only reason its come up recently is because of the holidays.

i did not respond to the girl that msg me out of the blue for closure (yes she asked for closure specially in the text) there was nothing to say. I didn't want to be shady so I wanted to talk to my partner about it. yes I guess I could have swept it under the rug. Thats just how I am. I dont think I am broken or anything, I have a therapist and I contiously work on my self. 

and the cleaning was a surprise. she was just trying to do something nice. My house is a mess as I am the more sloppy one. It was not intentional but it did hurt her. We dealt with it and moved on. 

All I am asking is, for a small slip up, is it something to move past or move on. I probably didnt need to give all this context as it paints a one sided picture

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

i did not respond to the girl that msg me out of the blue for closure (yes she asked for closure specially in the text) there was nothing to say. I didn't want to be shady so I wanted to talk to my partner about it. yes I guess I could have swept it under the rug. Thats just how I am. I dont think I am broken or anything, I have a therapist and I contiously work on my self. 

You don't sweep it under the rug cause there's nothing to sweep.  You simply choose not to share with your partner every irrelevant interaction you have where the risk is it's needlessly going to annoy her. That's not being honest. It's oversharing.

You're not "broken" although you know if your phone was broken for a bit of time it might not be the worst thing.  You simply have made some poor choices including remaining in an incompatible relationship with the excuse of "but I love her".

The "she doesn't drink except when" analysis doesn't work for me -just my personal opinion.  If her answer to hard times is to get drunk that's a real concern.  Everyone mostly is going through hard times.  I deal with it by exercising, angry cleaning, trying to eat more healthfully as food=mood, reading books instead of too much screen time.  Please don't use the excuse of how getting drunk once a month is ok because of hard times.

[Andrina]

Is alcohol really that important in your lives that the both of you can't give it up for the benefit of your relationship? There are other ways to socialize in life. Since if she get drunk 12 times per year, then once a month she will be so inebriated that she will be cheating by communicating improperly to other men and will continue to make you pay for a crime you didn't commit.

Some people could accept a drunk excuse once, but without a major change of abstaining, how will these problems stop since one is affected negatively in this mind altering way? 

[lionheart153]

As already said, she wants to give up alcohol all together because of this. She had already thrown out anything we had in the fridge already, and she vows she will cut it all together

[DancingFool]

12 minutes ago, lionheart153 said:

As already said, she wants to give up alcohol all together because of this. She had already thrown out anything we had in the fridge already, and she vows she will cut it all together

Throwing out alcohol isn't going to fix her underlying issues and extreme insecurities. In her case, alcohol is more like a truth serum - it opens her mouth and allows all the toxic stuff brewing inside to flow out like an erupting volcano. Removing the alcohol won't stop the toxic build up and the resulting explosions. All that will happen is that different things will trigger the eruptions.

Also, YOU cannot reassure or fix her issues for her. In fact, the more you turn yourself inside out trying to reassure her, the more you feed those insecurities. So if she really wants this relationship to work, what is she doing to address her insecurities for real? 

[smackie9]

Hah throwing out alcohol is just a desperate attempt she will change. Don't buy it. Get out while the gett'in is good. She's nuts, and you can fix nuts. 

[boltnrun]

What happens when you meet up with friends? Is she not going to drink at all?

I predict she will vow not to drink, then she'll have "just one to be social", then one will turn into three or four or five. And people with sensitivity to alcohol get drunk much quicker than those without.

Up to you if you want a girlfriend you have to babysit.

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/6/2022 at 2:41 PM, lionheart153 said:

she brings my ex back up, lamenting on the fact that she doesn't know if I love her as it looked like I loved my ex as much. 

It said this:

Her: I want you

Him: What, I thought you had a bf?

Her: it's different

She is constantly accusing you of loving her ex more because she herself is projecting her guilt onto  you.  She sounds super duper basic if  you ask me.