Ex is really mad at me and I can't figure out why...

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, Cynder said:

How could I not question it? 

No, it's a totally normal response and I'm glad you did! I just don't think I've ever seen you be critical of Z before. 

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

And your second reply...  I'm still not sure what to think about that comment she made.  Honestly I do hope she messages me tonight just so I can ask about that.  It genuinely did creep me out.

I'm obviously not in the situation and I don't know either of you guys. So, I could be wrong. But from my outsider's perspective the setup is as clear as day. I'll lay it out for you if you wish. I just don't want to push my opinion on you, as that would ultimately be unhelpful. 

Assuming my point of view is correct: If it was me, I wouldn't even acknowledge the bait by asking. When people try to toy with me, I just let them dangle there. Afterall, they're doing that to keep me dangling. Turnabout is fair play, as the saying goes. And you know what? Nobody in my life tries this with me anymore (with the exception of my family, of course lol). 'Friends' who have tried are long gone. They disappear quite quickly when they realize that I'm not a good source of supply for them.  

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Cynder said:

I think I just need to learn to not expect anything from anyone.  Maybe things would be easier if I just assumed the worst about everyone. 

I couldn't disagree more - I think this is an individual situation which resulted from choices you made and expectations and assumptions you had about this particular person who you were involved with in the past.  I don't think your interactions with this person have anything to do with anyone else you might interact with.

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

No, it's a totally normal response and I'm glad you did! I just don't think I've ever seen you be critical of Z before. 

I'm obviously not in the situation and I don't know either of you guys. So, I could be wrong. But from my outsider's perspective the setup is as clear as day. I'll lay it out for you if you wish. I just don't want to push my opinion on you, as that would ultimately be unhelpful. 

Assuming my point of view is correct: If it was me, I wouldn't even acknowledge the bait by asking. When people try to toy with me, I just let them dangle there. Afterall, they're doing that to keep me dangling. Turnabout is fair play, as the saying goes. And you know what? Nobody in my life tries this with me anymore (with the exception of my family, of course lol). 'Friends' who have tried are long gone. They disappear quite quickly when they realize that I'm not a good source of supply for them.  

This is exactly why I didn't message her yesterday.  I know she wants me to be like, "I'm so sorry!  Please!  Let me kiss your ass a little bit so you'll be nice to me again!  I'll get down on my knees and beg your forgiveness!!!"  Screw that.  I didn't do anything wrong.  She did things like this a few times when we were together too.  Something so small and trivial would just set her off and then I would have to pander to her and kiss her ass until she felt better. 

When she first started on HRT it really affected her mood for a while.  She was just really moody and snarky a lot.  And there was one night when she was at work and we were texting about it.  And I told her that from what I read it's common for this to happen.  And I said as soon as her body gets used to the hormones things will get better.  Well, she flipped out on me for saying that.  She came home, stormed into the house and changed her clothes and then left.  She was gone for hours.  She was gone for hours and she gave me the silent treatment the whole next day.  And this whole time I'm just trying to apologize and understand what was so bad about what I said.  Well... it turns out she completely misread my text message.  She thought I said as soon as her body gets used to the hormones things won't get better.  Ok... people make mistakes.  But it was just "Oh I read the message wrong."  It was never "Hey I'm really sorry for how I acted.  I was an idiot.  Let me do something nice to make it up to you, etc."  I feel like this is happening all over again.  Only this time I'm not going to pander and bow down and lick her boots and kiss her ass.  She can deal with what happened on her own. 

[MissCanuck]

She sounds emotionally abusive. 

It is best not to keep people like this in your life. 

[LootieTootie]

Glad you're seeing this gal for who she really is... a hot calculated mess.

Sorry... I've read your posts before and I would just smh. You are so special and yet you settle with what "is the closest thing to a friend and lover" to you even though this is the same person who isn't really a friend nor a lover but a user and an abuser. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

[Cynder]

About an hour ago....

Her: I'm really sorry about the other night.  I re read everything today.  I was high and took it the wrong way.

Me: Yea, no kidding.

Her: I'm also sorry I hurt you by giving the painting away.  I thought about not telling you because I know you painted it just for me."

Her: Hey, I'm trying to apologize here.  But if you're that pissed.

Me: What did you mean when you asked me what I did to the painting?

Her:  Bye.  I'm done with this crap.

Blocked. 

Ok... who the hell is she so angry at that she's taking it all out on me?  I didn't do ANYTHING.  I thought we were going to talk things out.  Well, I wanted to put distance between us.  Maybe it's a good thing she blocked me. 

[MissCanuck]

She is unstable.

You can expect unstable behaviour from her. 

Up to you if you want to continue to allow that into your world. 

[Cynder]

40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She is unstable.

You can expect unstable behaviour from her. 

Up to you if you want to continue to allow that into your world. 

I don't.  But what kills me is she didn't used to be like this.  I don't know what switch flipped.  I just remember how she used to be, for most of our relationship and for our friendship before that.  I miss the person she used to be.  Right now I feel like she just needs a punching bag and she has chosen me for whatever reason.  I didn't deserve any of this. 

[MissCanuck]

No, you didn't deserve any of this. 

But at some point, you have to make the choice to disengage and eject her from your life.

[Cynder]

24 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you didn't deserve any of this. 

But at some point, you have to make the choice to disengage and eject her from your life.

Well< it seems like she already ejected me from hers. 

I al legitimately worried for her.  She's obviously not getting help.  Or she's off her meds or something.  The way she's been acting isn't who she is.  Is it bad that I am considering messaging either her Mom or her brother tomorrow and just telling them I'm worried about her?  I won't do it because I know it will just cause problems.  But the thought crossed my mind. 

[MissCanuck]

It’s understandable that you’re worried, but no, don’t contact her family. They’ll figure out soon enough if there is cause for concern. 

Focus instead on taking care of yourself and leaving this all behind you. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

  Or she's off her meds or something.  

Wasn't she just released from the hospital for psychiatric care?  

Maybe the warlock story is another manic flight-of-ideas symptom. Google it.

 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wasn't she just released from the hospital for psychiatric care?  

Maybe the warlock story is another manic flight-of-ideas symptom. Google it.

 

No that was my roommate who was just in the hospital for psychiatric care.

I will Google what you mentioned tomorrow.

[catfeeder]

On 2/3/2022 at 7:10 PM, Cynder said:

I can't love the crazy out of her.  I know that sounds really derogatory, but it's true.

This doesn't sound derogatory, it sounds as though you're making room for the possibility that ex may not be of sound enough mind to engage in a shared reality.

She read something you didn't say, but she wants you to find it.

She invented an idea that you did something to your painting--also out of nowhere.

I'm sorry to say this, Cynder, but she sounds divorced from reality. 

Maybe any inkling of guilt sets her off into paranoia, but that's not something you can get 'around' in your dealings with her. Whether you walk on eggshells or not, she's going to invent bad intent from you based on HER inner reality, regardless of what you say or do.

I understand you love her, and I'm sorry this happened. If she contacts you, I would avoid raising the issue so you can observe where she takes the conversation. You may learn more about what she's thinking by NOT directing the discussion. Let her do that, and learn what you need to learn.

[Andrina]

No matter who you're in a relationship with whether it be family, a friend, co-worker or significant other, people regularly do irritate each other and become upset with one another. A normal part of life.

But for those relationships to be successful, when the hard times come up, it takes emotional intelligence to handle those hurdles. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue and let things slide. When you do bring up an issue, it should be done without name-calling and making the other person feel like crap.

When someone you know can't socially operate without shaming and all those other forms of abuse, it's in your best interest to cut them out of your life. It's normal to pine for how things used to be, but not realistic to expect those days will return. If it were me, I'd go no contact. Take care. 

 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

This doesn't sound derogatory, it sounds as though you're making room for the possibility that ex may not be of sound enough mind to engage in a shared reality.

She read something you didn't say, but she wants you to find it.

She invented an idea that you did something to your painting--also out of nowhere.

I'm sorry to say this, Cynder, but she sounds divorced from reality. 

Maybe any inkling of guilt sets her off into paranoia, but that's not something you can get 'around' in your dealings with her. Whether you walk on eggshells or not, she's going to invent bad intent from you based on HER inner reality, regardless of what you say or do.

I understand you love her, and I'm sorry this happened. If she contacts you, I would avoid raising the issue so you can observe where she takes the conversation. You may learn more about what she's thinking by NOT directing the discussion. Let her do that, and learn what you need to learn.

She's obviously out of touch with reality.  I don't know if you saw my update in this thread.  She messaged me last night to apologize and then blocked me almost instantly.  I know I shouldn't have but I sent her a few texts after she blocked me.  (It was on Facebook that she blocked me.  I can still text her.)  But I texted her and was like, "You know you claim to be working on all your issues.  Maybe you should figure out why you flip out the second a conversation doesn't go how you want it to go."  And then I sent another one that said, "The other night you blew up at me over nothing and now you're pissed because I didn't say what I was supposed to say when you apologized.  Who the hell are you so angry at that you're taking it out on me?  I'm not your enemy." 

I asked who the hell she's so angry at.  But I know the answer to that question.  She's angry at herself. 

And you're right.  She's just going to continue projecting bad things onto me.  I've seen this all my life, unfortunately.  My parents...  this was a constant thing during my childhood.  Everything was my fault.  Like, we couldn't get the internet in my house when I was a teenager living at home because according to my parents I would just be on it constantly watching porn.  Ok... but my Dad was the one with a porn obsession.  But rather than deal with that issue.  It was No we can't get the internet because our teenage daughter is evil incarnated and she'll just sit there watching porn all day long." 

My ex who was another vendor like me used to do this too.  When we were traveling around doing festivals together... every single thing that went wrong was somehow on me.  If he didn't sell much at an event but I did... Oh boy...  I was going to get a tongue lashing all through breakdown and usually later on back at the hotel, too. 

As much as my ex needs to work on her issues...  I also need to figure out what it is about me that makes me everyone's perfect scapegoat.  Because I've even had this happen with bosses.  I've had bosses straight up blame me at work for things that happened when I wasn't even in the building.  I've gotten disciplinary warnings at jobs for things that happened when I was at home and even had proof.  So yea... obviously there is something about me that makes me an easy target. 

It's completely messed up that I still love her.  I still love her... but right now I don't really like her.  I feel like she just needed an emotional punching bag for whatever reason to make herself feel better. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

She's just going to continue projecting bad things onto me.  I've seen this all my life, unfortunately.

In another of your recent threads we were talking about how different she was from everyone else in your life. But it's important to note that in some ways, she still falls into the same pattern as the people who treat you badly.

[Cynder]

14 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

In another of your recent threads we were talking about how different she was from everyone else in your life. But it's important to note that in some ways, she still falls into the same pattern as the people who treat you badly.

Well, she wasn't always like this.  Sadly a lot of things changed when she went on HRT, and then things got better for a while.  And then got worse again. 

[1a1a]

What I got from the original post is ‘this person is exhausting’. Do you want exhausting?

And from skim reading the comments, no, you shouldn’t assume the worst of everyone. You will shoot in the face the romantic feeling of any and all who cross your path in the future. (Don’t be that person, work on your heartbreak now so you can actually show up to another relationship!) You absolutely should assume the worst of your ex though. Assume she’s going to be exhausting, assume reasonable left the building when this side of her unfolded. Assume if you keep engaging with her you’re going to keep being disappointed by it. Then stop doing that. (Which is of course much easier to say than to do). Good luck. 

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, 1a1a said:

What I got from the original post is ‘this person is exhausting’. Do you want exhausting?

And from skim reading the comments, no, you shouldn’t assume the worst of everyone. You will shoot in the face the romantic feeling of any and all who cross your path in the future. (Don’t be that person, work on your heartbreak now so you can actually show up to another relationship!) You absolutely should assume the worst of your ex though. Assume she’s going to be exhausting, assume reasonable left the building when this side of her unfolded. Assume if you keep engaging with her you’re going to keep being disappointed by it. Then stop doing that. (Which is of course much easier to say than to do). Good luck. 

I don't want to "show up to another relationship." What's the point?  Relationships cause nothing but pain and misery.  And so far the worst has been true with just about everyone I've been involved with.  So I might as well just prepare for that going in instead of thinking things might be better.  

Most people are only with their current because no one "better" has shown up.  Most people would drop the person they are with in a heartbeat for a "better" option.  Most people aren't faithful.  Actually out of everyone, my ex who is the subject of this thread is the only person who has ever been faithful to me and didn't screw around.  And a lot of the people in my past have screwed around on me with my own friends.  There is no loyalty anywhere anymore.  Most people are liars.  I actually just found out recently that after my ex (the one this thread is about) and I broke up, a good male friend of mine tried to hook up with her.  He's not my friend anymore. 

My ex husband and I were married for 8 years.  He was constantly looking for the better option.  I was only around because I was a convenience to him.

The good news is most of the women in my family don't live to be very old because of cancer.  So I only have about 10 years left, statistically speaking. 

[Jibralta]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

Relationships cause nothing but pain and misery.  And so far the worst has been true with just about everyone I've been involved with.  So I might as well just prepare for that going in instead of thinking things might be better.

Most people are only with their current because no one "better" has shown up.  Most people would drop the person they are with in a heartbeat for a "better" option.  Most people aren't faithful.  Actually out of everyone, my ex who is the subject of this thread is the only person who has ever been faithful to me and didn't screw around.

Sometimes it sounds like you believe there's no one 'better' out there for you than Z.

If that's your belief, then wouldn't you be settling by staying with Z (if given the opportunity)? 

I ask because you don't sound very happy about the idea of settling. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Cynder said:

Most people are only with their current because no one "better" has shown up.  Most people would drop the person they are with in a heartbeat for a "better" option.  Most people aren't faithful. 

I only got married when I knew that I would never ever desire to do this.  When I was done looking for "better" when there was no GIGs.  I was the runaway bride, I got married years later than I'd dreamed and wanted with family planning consequences but I would not settle.  I did not.  I am not with a perfect person.  I am not a perfect person.  I know to the best of my heart and abilities I would never ever do what you wrote above and trust in my partner with the same.  I've always been faithful to him. He's always been faithful to me.  Married 13 years, dating/engaged for an additional 5 years above that (split up in two as we broke up for years but not because of cheating or anything like cheating).

I have many many examples that of couples like us.  Yes including same gender marriages/relationships (although not surprisingly I just have fewer examples as I know more heterosexual people).

[Cynder]

13 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Sometimes it sounds like you believe there's no one 'better' out there for you than Z.

If that's your belief, then wouldn't you be settling by staying with Z (if given the opportunity)? 

I ask because you don't sound very happy about the idea of settling. 

Well I mean, our relationship wasn't perfect.  But no relationship is.  You've read my journal on here for a long time.  I'm sure you remember the way I used to write about our day to day life when we were together.  We rarely fought.  We got along great 95% of the time.  She wasn't constantly lying and screwing around.  I actually could trust her which was a huge step up from anyone else.  We both have issues.  And I know a lot of her issues weren't helped by HRT and Meds, especially since she didn't take them like she was supposed to. 

After what happened I'm pretty sure there is no future with her, maybe not even as friends.  I just can't handle never knowing when I might set her off. 

I told her that today too.  I asked her if she's like this with all her friends or just me?  And then I said, "Like, does everyone have to walk around on eggshells for fear of setting you off, or is it just me?  If you are so serious about working on your issues and bettering yourself like you say, then maybe that's an issue you should work on."  And then I sent one more text and said, "I know you won't reply to any of this because you're too busy pouting and throwing your little fit.  But think about what I said, Ok."  That was it.  I know she won't answer me.  But I'm glad I called her out. I did literally nothing to her that warranted that kind of reaction.  And I think a lot of people are probably afraid to call her out for this stuff because she likes to pull the "You're just a transphobe!" card whenever anyone does. 

The other night on the phone, she was telling me about how customers harass her at work because she's trans, etc.  Well do they really?  Or maybe is a customer having a bad day and isn't the friendliest... and then she interprets it as "They don't like me because I'm trans."  If customers really are harassing her at the gas station that sucks and I hope it stops soon.  But idk, I find it hard to believe she's being harassed every day by customers.  Most people don't give crap what gender a person identifies as as long as that person isn't hurting anyone. 

[Batya33]

No one is saying that a relationship should be perfect.  Why are you texting her and -worse-why text her anything that gives the impression you're hiding behind a screen while texting volatile, emotional, highly sensitive words?  It really detracts from whatever your goal is (I don't really know what that would be but certainly texting in this way is sabotaging, no?)

You can't know when you're going to set off an unstable person. By definition. 

[Cynder]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No one is saying that a relationship should be perfect.  Why are you texting her and -worse-why text her anything that gives the impression you're hiding behind a screen while texting volatile, emotional, highly sensitive words?  It really detracts from whatever your goal is (I don't really know what that would be but certainly texting in this way is sabotaging, no?)

You can't know when you're going to set off an unstable person. By definition. 

I would have said all this to her face if given the opportunity.  I've already blown it with her even as a friend, so I guess it doesn't really matter if I text emotional things.  I have nothing left to lose as far as she's concerned.  I could have gone to the gas station and walked straight up to her and said everything I said in text, but that would be considered harassment since I went to her place of work specifically to do it. 

I just don't think very many people call her out for these things.  I wanted to stand up for myself and call her out for how ridiculous she's being.  Who the hell blows up at someone over nothing, then apologizes and barely even lets the other person answer before blocking them?  She's obviously unstable and I can't change that.  So why not at least tell her what I think?