Infidelity-Unfaithful one

[Hope111980]

Hi,

I have been married for 18 yrs and have two kids. Though love marriage, but it always lacked sexual intimacy. I was always the one initiating and pushing for it. I kept on ignoring it, thinking my husband is stressed and have lots of work.(that’s the excuse he used to give.) I now strongly feel that he knew about his problem since beginning that’s why married me.

Due to this I got attracted to my ex colleague. I tried stopped talking to him, but still after few years when we spoke again, found the attraction still there. As we always lived in different states and then countries, we only used to chat with each other. Never met him physically. I used to feel guilty and never  stopped working my relationship with my husband. This year while talking to this ex colleague, we started sexting. My husband caught me in that. I am begging him to stay and let’s work on relation but he is not listening.

Now he says the only way he would think of reconciliation when I give him back the share in inherited property. He says this is the only way he can trust me again. I don’t know what to do here. What if he still divorce me? I will not left with anything. This broken marriage is not alone my fault. Then why I’m the only one paying price of it? He wants me to say sorry for my actions in front of everyone in the family. Im ready for it. But doesn’t want me to mention what was missing in our marriage. Please help.

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Hope111980 said:

I have been married for 18 yrs and have two kids. Though love marriage, but it always lacked sexual intimacy. I was always the one initiating and pushing for it. I kept on ignoring it, thinking my husband is stressed and have lots of work.(that’s the excuse he used to give.)

Is it possible he is/was having an affair during this time?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Hope111980 said:

 I now strongly feel that he knew about his problem since beginning that’s why married me..

Now he says the only way he would think of reconciliation when I give him back the share in inherited property. 

That's extortion. Don't do it. Instead get an attorney and discuss your options in divorce. Never sign over assets under duress.

What were his problems?  Is he straight ? Is this a sham marriage for financial reasons?

You need an attorney asap. In the meantime do nothing.

How did you have kids if he was not sexual with you?

Forget this sexting buddy you never met. It's silly to stay in a loveless sexless marriage and sext someone you never met.

Divorce will be a relief for both of you. 

[melancholy123]

OMG do NOT give him the inherited property!  That is indeed extortion.  You need a lawyer NOW.  Do NOT apologize for anything in front of family members as it is none of their business.

 He sound awful and divorce would be preferable to life with him.

[lostandhurt]

So you give him the property and stay together.  How does that improve anything?

You will still be with a man that doesn't want sex and you will still be miserable.

Cheating is wrong and you were selfish to have this emotional affair.  Cut this coworker out of your life and start the process of ending the marriage.  Right now you are afraid of this huge change but in time as you go through the process and see and feel some freedom from what you have been living the fear will slowly subside and you can heal and start your life as a single mom. 

Once you get your stuff together and the kids are all good then and only then can you even think about dating.

  The divorce will divide the assets equally pretty much so don't give him anything.

  No reason to stay in a marriage if it is as bad as you say it is with no hope of improvement.

Lost

[catfeeder]

If you stay in this marriage, what do you hope will happen? He was disinterested in intimacy before, so what makes you believe that he will suddenly change into someone who cares about your happiness?

While I'd seek advice from an attorney and I'd learn my options and the pros and cons of each option, as well as the best steps to take for each option, I would do NOTHING involving property without this legal advice.

It makes no sense to sign over assets to someone who has already demonstrated that his interest in being your partner is limited enough to keep you unhappy. 

[gamon]

If he was planning on staying married he wouldn’t care about getting his hands on your share of the inheritance. 

[Usa1ah]

It just another drive by 

[Hope111980]

Thank you so much everyone for sharing your thoughts!!

My younger son is special needs and my husband is on work visa. Myself and kids are on dependent visa. If we get divorce and I get child custody, then me and kids have to move back to India. My kids will suffer in that case. The only reason of reconciliation with him is this. In India there are no good services for special needs. 
 

Besides that I still feel guilty as I have done cheating and still have feelings for my husband. Guess thats the reason I stayed with him so many years. I doubt sex matters to me now. I just want security for my kids. I’m not sure what does he wants. Just revenge?!

[Hope111980]

On 12/31/2021 at 12:38 AM, Capricorn3 said:

during

No

[DancingFool]

If his excuse for not wanting intimacy was always work, you may want to investigate if he was really working or has been having affairs of his own. Him feeling incredibly betrayed and wanting to hurt you back makes sense, but him very specifically asking for the inheritance share seems almost too calculated.

Basically, don't make major life/financial decisions based on fear. Step back, think things through. Talk to an attorney even about your divorce options. Consultations are free. Know where you stand rather than just bending over backwards while he humiliates you in front of your family and friends.

Keep in mind that even if you do everything he wants, doesn't mean that your marriage will survive. If he never forgives you and continues to be vindictive or punish you over and over, you'll have to leave eventually, except it will be after a lot of emotional torture and damage to your kids in the process.

Sometimes, when parents aren't getting along, it's actually better for the children that you do part ways even if it will be hard for you. This is again why you need to get legal advice so you fully understand your options and finances.

[smackie9]

is the inheritance enough to sustain your needs? Maybe later you can meet someone new to take over helping you.