Am I going crazy??

[chickncrippl]

Hello, I’m just looking for some perspective as im incredibly confused and feel like I’m going crazy. 
My boyfriend (22) and I (21) have lived together for about 3 or so months. We share chores, however he does more dishes and garbage, while I do more floors, laundry, bathroom stuff. I cook a lot, both for us and his dog. He likes to clean as he goes whereas I generally clean after I’m done with everything. He has been making small digs at me for not doing as many dishes (ie. i commented on a dirty dish and re-washed it and he got kinda offended, so I said “it’s okay, it could’ve been either of us, it was put away already.” To which he replied “well, it must have been me since I’m the only one who does dishes”. Later on that day, he made a couple additional comments about how he does the dishes everyday, etc. etc.). I do not do as many dishes, but I feel like I make up for it with carrying the load of MANY other household chores. For example, I primarily do the laundry (he does it every so often), i mop the floors (he’s done it twice so far), I am the only one who vacuums, I am the only one who puts clean laundry away (including his), and I am the only one who cleans the bathroom, shower and toilet. I even wake up at 6am every weekday with him, make him breakfast while he gets ready for work, and then drive him to work (and from work whenever I can) because he doesn’t drive yet. 
A couple days ago, he called me lazy because I wanted to leave the dishes until the next morning while he was at work because I wanted to watch a movie with him as it was getting late and he had work in the morning. He said he’d just do them, but I ended up doing them because I knew he’d just use it against me later if I didn’t. It blew up into a massive argument, in which I told him how he makes me feel like a child and feel like I can’t relax in my own home because I never feel like I’m doing enough for him. I work two days a week currently as a nanny, as I’d lost one of my jobs due to covid and am currently waiting to start my new one in a couple weeks. Im also studying. He works a very physical labour job full time. Sometimes, he’ll come home from work and accuse me of doing nothing when he has no idea what I’ve done all day, simply because the kitchen isn’t spotless or there are dishes in the sink. His parents are very dirty and I think a dirty kitchen is somewhat triggering to him, but I hate feeling like I can’t leave a mess for so much as an hour without getting told off. Sometimes, after I make dinner he’ll comment on the mess in the kitchen from cooking, like he expects me to clean it before I even get to sit down and enjoy my meal. 

Today, I spent almost two hours in the kitchen. I made him lunch while he played his ps4, made him a coffee, made his dog some rice and carrots for his lunch, and put on some roast veggies for us to snack on. I had spilled some rice on the garbage can accidentally while serving the food for the dog, and had left it while I did the dishes that were piled up in the sink from last night and this morning. He came into the kitchen and immediately said “there’s rice everywhere”. I just lost it. No ‘thank you’ for making his dog lunch. No ‘thank you’ for doing the dishes he said he’d do last night (which he left for today, after getting angry with me for wanting to leave them the other night). Just a comment about the mess that I’d made while I was in the middle of doing the dishes. The mess that I was going to get to right after I’d finished, because I can’t do two things at once. I did blow up and told him how much of a child he made me feel like again, and we had another huge argument. He kept saying “all I did was say there’s rice everywhere, and there is!” “You’re seriously doing this over some rice?” My argument was entirely, “you make me feel like a child. Its such an unnecessary comment to make while I’m literally in the middle of cleaning up and you can clearly see that. Me cleaning up the whole kitchen and making lunch for everyone while I’ve  had nothing but a pickle to eat this entire day is completely undermined by the fact that I spilled rice on the bin.” I also would like to mention that during the last argument, his dog was laying with me and he promptly reminded me that he’s not my dog, despite him telling me multiple times upon moving in that he’s now our dog and not just his. I know he was just saying that to be hurtful, but I cant help but feel weary and create some sort of distance from the dog now. Yet I still make him breakfast and dinner daily, or he’ll forget to feed him sometimes. I also just want to make sure he’s getting lots of good foods, because my boyfriend can’t be bothered cooking from him and will only feed him kibble (nothing inherently wrong with that, but he’s a very good boy and I want him to have the best life possible with us). The argument only lasted about 5-10 minutes, but we were yelling at each other and i told him not to have his friends over tonight as i now want to be alone for New Years. He pretended to message his friends saying “she won’t let me have anyone over tonight”, which hurt because he normally isn’t that petty. 

I just want to know if I’m overreacting or misunderstanding and it seems innocent or like there was no mal intent to anyone else. He’s apologised now, but I’m still so upset and confused about my right to be angry, and i don’t think he actually understands why that comment was so infuriating. I love him so much but I don’t feel like this is a partnership any more than he’s my parent and I’m a mindless child with no sense of responsibility, despite the things I do. I’m by no means perfect and can be quite messy, but I hate being told what to do and when to do it or how much of a mess I’ve made before I even get the chance to clean it up. I obviously don’t want to break up with him, so I’d prefer constructive advice on how to approach this situation or handle it better on my end, if necessary. 
 

thank you 🙂

[Usa1ah]

With him knit picking everything that you do, what he said shouldn’t have been said. 

[Capricorn3]

Are you going crazy?  No.  BUT, I think you will eventually go crazy the longer you live with this guy. Sorry to say, but he sounds like a bit of a jerk, and an immature one at that.  Not sure how you can solve any of this because what you see is what you get and he won't change his ways.  Speaking for myself only, I'd be out the door.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. As soon as you get your new job, move out asap. Move back home or find an affordable place.

Stop acting like the domestic help and mothering him immediately.

Instead work on finding better jobs, developing financial security and finding a place to live.

He treats you like a servant. Stop acting like a doormat. He can take care of himself and his dog. 

Focus on extricating yourself from this abusive situation.

[Rose Mosse]

“You make me feel like a child” doesn’t convey anything constructive. If he tells you about a mess, ask him to help you with it. You’re taking on too much. Let go of some of those duties. 

Did either of you ever have a conversation or discussion about changing the dog’s diet? There are some high quality dog food brands that don’t have a lot of unnecessary filler. Rice and carrots don’t sound like a balanced diet. Does the dog have allergies? I had a dog that broke out in painful hives eating red meat. I put him on a salmon diet and he improved. It was expensive but I was fortunate that there was a respectable dog food brand that made a fish alternative and included all the vitamins and minerals required for dogs.

Having said all that reconsider staying with him. It sounds like the move was quick and you’re both not agreeing on many things. He is capable also of doing his own laundry and cleaning the house. It is only that it’s not as often as you’d like. I empathize with you because I was once in a similar situation being at home a lot more than the other person. He’s angry and resentful and now it’s become unbearable.

Decide whether you’re with him out of convenience or what your reasons were for moving in like this in the first place. It’s an uneasy review but you may surprise yourself also. Perhaps things weren’t going as well as you both thought prior to moving in. 

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, its never good to keep count. And seems to me that you both do that. You think that he doesnt appreciate your efforts while he is the only one earning for household. He thinks because he works that you have to do most of house works. So because you both keep count you both feel under-appreciated in your own work. So that reflects by you both lashing out to each other. Its OK, you are both young, you should learn. But if you both feel under-appreciated, maybe you are not that good match after all. Lots of couples discover stuff like that only when they move with each other. And when they become reliant on each other and actually need to communicate good. Your communication isnt good. Hence why you both get unhappy. 

[smackie9]

hey it's all about adjustment...even when me and my husband started living together, the adjustment took about a year before things started to "fit right." I have to say it was really tough. But I digress...

Here's the deal, your BF is terrible with communication. His approach is so passive/aggressive/condescending, that it's degrading you. He's being a total Pr %ck. When he does it, you have to not let him get away with it. Talk to him about his comment immediately when it happens. You stop and ask him, what point is he trying to get across and discuss it. Tell him to talk to you properly and to be honest. Losing your mind on him only confirms to himself he is right and you are wrong. He gets his back up, and you lost the battle. So just be firm, direct to the point, stay calm.

Now here's another tip, stop doing his laundry. You are not his mother, he's a big boy he can do his own. He needs to take his turn to clean the toilet, wash floors. This is where you have gone wrong...stop taking on things he should be doing himself. He thinks things are uneven well lets see what he thinks about the new arrangements when the chores are actually split down the middle.

[gamon]

Stop cooking for the dog. It's a huge waste of time and it's way over the top.

Dogs eat dog food, dry, canned, or a combination of both. The dog will be quite happy and won't get fat.

With all the time saved from not feeding the dog you can do the dishes.

I sort of get why he's annoyed when he gets home from working all day and the kitchen is a mess and you've been home all day and you say you were too busy to clean up. I'd be thinking "what the heck does she do all day long?".

 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, chickncrippl said:

made his dog some rice and carrots for his lunch

Don't confuse baby food with dog food.

[lostandhurt]

Crazy? No but  I totally agree you cannot just move in with someone, anyone and expect it to just fall into a good groove.  It takes time and communication.

  Take some time to really think about the things you would like to improve (notice I didn't say change about him) in the household so there will be peace and joy, not snide remarks and quotas.  Then when there hasn't been a big issue and things are calm and good sit down with him and talk about how the TWO of you can make living together jive better.  He will ask what you are talking about and then you can tell him how his remarks and the way things have been going make you feel and you want to talk about how to make things better.  If you phrase it this way he shouldn't get defensive and some progress can be made.

 Dumping him over this is short sighted and radical for the problem at hand.  You are both young and I am guessing the first time living with someone else you are in love with so you have to expect some bumps along the way.  Relationships take work and this is one of the things people regularly work on in a relationship.

  Keeping score and passive aggressiveness will get you no where. 

Lost  

 

[waffle]

1. Stop making his breakfast for him.  He can eat Froot Loops.  Do not pour the cereal and milk for him, he can do it himself.

2. Stop shuttling him to work.  No reason why he can't walk.  If he cries about that, suggest public transportation.

3. The dog treats you far better than this spoiled little boy does so buy the dog some gourmet dog food and expensive treats.  Tell the little boy to go get a driver's license and a car like the big boys have.

[Batya33]

What was the reason you moved in together? I wonder if this is at the root of it. Sounds like you are playing house - you're acting all wifey doing his laundry, etc (yes I do all of the laundry and also put it away - but we're married and have a child and it makes sense for me to do this and he does other things). 

Do both of you share the same reasons for living together? Living together does not make you a more serious couple unless your purpose is to be more serious/plan a life together.  But if one of you did it more for financial reasons or convenience and the other sees it as a "progression" commitment -wise that could be an issue and then it comes out in this bickering over household chores.

Please make sure you don't get hangry.  Don't do martyr stuff like cooking lunch for the dog while you're starving.  Some people are ok being hungry -I'm not -so I relate to how you felt.  

You two have different standards and styles of cleanliiness.  This can be worked out with communication.  I'd use I statements like "I feel hurt /disrespected when I make you a meal and instead of saying thank you you judge that I left some rice spilled on the floor".  

He does sound over the top but I'd see if communication -when you're both calm -helps -assuming you both have the same reasons for living together.

[Andrina]

Suggestions: Make a chore list. Either a permanent one or a rotating one. Maybe you'll both feel calmer if you've worked on one you both think is fair, and that it's clear, in writing, for the week showing who is doing what.

Take turns reading a chapter a day aloud to each other from a book about couples communication. One good one is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

Dogs need meat in their diet. If the kibble has meat, meat meal or a meat byproduct listed as the first  ingredient, then it's a good dog food. Changing a dogs diet will often result in stomach upset. That's why when you are changing to a different brand, it must be done in a gradual manner.

Tell him you want to set up a couples rule that you don't call each other names. Explain how it will gradually kill any love that exists. There are ways to solve problems without belittling, which will also be explained in one of those couples communication books you buy or get from the library.

If he cares about you like you think he does, he will work with you on these issues. If he doesn't, do you really think the fact that you love him is a good reason to stay? If you do, it's because the decision making area of your brain won't be fully formed until you're about 25. Please listen to people who've lived much longer on the planet when we say you're better off untangling yourself from a person you're crossing an ocean for when he won't even jump over a puddle for you. 

[catfeeder]

If I knew that a clean kitchen, especially dishes, are a trigger for my partner, then that's exactly where I'd focus my cleaning efforts. BUT this would be to learn whether such a focus resolves the problem of him acting like a jerk.

Sure, the kitchen is a high traffic area where messes are obvious, and sometimes a person's anxiety can trigger them over the top. So I'd test whether partner's behavior is limited to a reaction to that. It's not a big price to pay if it's THE primary source of conflict.

As for the rest of cleaning, I'd rationalize--if I lived on my own, how much of this would fall on me? Oh, ALL of it? Then I don't need to resent partner if I'm keeping the place clean to my own liking.

If I find myself resenting partner for not helping, I'd back off on doing his laundry, and I'd allow HIM to pre-cook anything he wants the dog to eat beyond what I can just open and serve.

I'd learn whether prioritizing the kitchen helps. If not, I'd discuss with partner that the way he speaks to me is not okay. And, if it doesn't change, we won't be having another conversation about it.