Just need some encouragement and strength

[angelpie]

I found an old HS BF on Facebook while looking for someone else. We're not young. I'm in my late 60s and he's a bit older. We started chatting, catching up, and he told me his wife has early Alzheimer's. We chatted for about 3 months, but he kept trying to take the conversation to sex, and I told him I wasn't interested in talking about that, because I'm not one to commit adultery. I'm not very religious, I just don't believe in it morally. We went through some ups and downs, because we started having feelings for each other, but he couldn't stop wanting sex, so we broke it off. We live about 8 hours drive apart, and he wanted to fly me up there and put me in a hotel just so we could have sex. Mind you, he works for himself, but I would have been stuck at a hotel all day waiting to spend a couple of hours with him, and being alone all night while he went home to his family. He saw nothing wrong with this. I was appalled! Of course, I said no. We finally decided to stop communicating at all. I tried to send him an e-card for Christmas, and he was absolutely hateful about it. He blames all of this on me, when it was his obsession with sex that really did it in. I only ever wanted to be friends.

Things got a lot more complicated during one part, and friends got involved. He blames all that on me too. After our last conversation, I blocked him everywhere on social media and my phone and emails. It ended for good just a couple of days before Christmas, and I'm having a hard time not contacting him. He has no way to contact me unless he uses a burner phone or something to text me. I blocked his phone # and he used his wife's phone at one time, so I blocked that too. He called me last night from a "Private" caller ID, but I have an app that traces them, so I know it was him. He didn't say anything, but I said that he was the one who made the no contact rule, so please just leave me alone. He called three times in 5 minutes, then didn't call again.

I know I should forget him. He's obviously not the sweet, shy boy I knew in HS, far from it. In fact, he has a bad temper and is very controlling. I fear he's a little narcissistic the way he keeps blaming everything on me even when some events were clearly his fault.

So I just need encouragement that I'm right, that I should just let him go. He told me once that if "anything changed" with his wife (meaning she died), he'd be on my doorstep. Sadly, I can't keep him from doing that, so I'm just praying she stays healthy for quite a while, or he forgets that statement.

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, angelpie said:

He told me once that if "anything changed" with his wife (meaning she died), he'd be on my doorstep. Sadly, I can't keep him from doing that

Why can't you stop him?

Yes, you did the right thing. I'm sure your ideal romantic relationship doesn't involve being the secret sex plaything of a married man.

You can stay strong.

[Capricorn3]

He sounds like a control freak with the potential of becoming a stalker.  You dodged a bullet here and whatever you do, do not make contact again.

[angelpie]

Just now, Capricorn3 said:

He sounds like a control freak with the potential of becoming a stalker.  You dodged a bullet here and whatever you do, do not make contact again.

He is pretty controlling. My first red flag was when he told me that he made his wife quit her job when they were married because he wanted her at home. She had a good, well-paying job in management, but she quit because of him. Ever since she was diagnosed, he's sold all their property. He says it's because she could become incompetent and he put half the money in an account in her name, but friends say the only reason she got half the money was because her daughter and SIL forced him to do all that and move in with them, because they didn't trust him to care for her properly. I did some sleuthing and found some judgments against  him for credit card and bank debt.

I know I'm dodging a bullet, and it's just old decades old teenage feelings I'm feeling, but it's still hard. Thanks for your encouragement.

 

[angelpie]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why can't you stop him?

Yes, you did the right thing. I'm sure your ideal romantic relationship doesn't involve being the secret sex plaything of a married man.

You can stay strong.

How would I stop him from coming here? I've since told him that I didn't want him to come here, but Lord only knows if that would stop him. I can't believe a man his age acts like this. He's so immature.

Thank you!

[Capricorn3]

Those are all HUGE red flags.  You should take heed. Clearly you guys are not teenagers anymore so none of that is relevant anymore (imo). He has scary dude written all over him and I would run for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me for dust.

[angelpie]

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

Those are all HUGE red flags.  You should take heed. Clearly you guys are not teenagers anymore so none of that is relevant anymore (imo). He has scary dude written all over him and I would run for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me dust.

Also found his email address and some similar addresses on porn sites. He's definitely sex-obsessed, probably an addict. Yeah, I'm running as fast as I can.

[melancholy123]

You need to develop some new friendships with people in your area who are not like this guy.  He is trouble.  He could be dangerous.  Are you that lonely that he is looking good to you?  Volunteer somewhere, get a part time job if you dont have one.  You need to be occupied in a good way.

Do not ever unblock him from anything.  If he comes to your door, call the cops.  Being 8 hours away, it's not likely he will just show up.

[angelpie]

4 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You need to develop some new friendships with people in your area who are not like this guy.  He is trouble.  He could be dangerous.  Are you that lonely that he is looking good to you?  Volunteer somewhere, get a part time job if you dont have one.  You need to be occupied in a good way.

Do not ever unblock him from anything.  If he comes to your door, call the cops.  Being 8 hours away, it's not likely he will just show up.

If it hadn't been for the fact that I'd known and dated him in HS, I would never have contacted him, because I could see from his posts that we disagree on a lot of important points. I have friends here, but this is a college town, so not a lot of eligible men my age that are people I would like to be involved with. I had really planned on just living alone the rest of my life. I'm not lonely at all, in fact, I'm sort of a loner.  I don't know why he affected me like he did.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, angelpie said:

 he told me his wife has early Alzheimer's. 

Unfortunately he may have early dementia as well.

Inappropriateness, mood swings and poor judgement are early signs too.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Batya33]

How do you know it was always him chatting with you? Maybe it was his wife or girlfriend.  I agree he is dangerous.  You are in your 60s.  How many times have you had to do things that are hard but you had to do the right thing? Of course it's hard to have feelings and choose not to indulge in them.  But think of the downsides if you continue to be in contact - he knows where you live.  So stop.

[angelpie]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How do you know it was always him chatting with you? Maybe it was his wife or girlfriend.  I agree he is dangerous.  You are in your 60s.  How many times have you had to do things that are hard but you had to do the right thing? Of course it's hard to have feelings and choose not to indulge in them.  But think of the downsides if you continue to be in contact - he knows where you live.  So stop.

It was him. We have mutual friends and they asked him in person if he had been chatting with me on FB and he admitted it. He had details of the time we dated in HS that only he and I would know, and he gave them to me unprompted. I'm had already run a background check on him.

[angelpie]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he may have early dementia as well.

Inappropriateness, mood swings and poor judgement are early signs too.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

I've thought about that. He takes one medicine for restless legs that can also cause inappropriate behavior, such as compulsive gambling and mood swings. There is definitely something not right about him. It's sad, because many years ago, he was such a good guy. I always regretted breaking up with him. Now I see my life might not have been an idyllic as I imagined it to be. People change.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, angelpie said:

It was him. We have mutual friends and they asked him in person if he had been chatting with me on FB and he admitted it. He had details of the time we dated in HS that only he and I would know, and he gave them to me unprompted. I'm had already run a background check on him.

You have no idea if it was always him chatting with you.

[angelpie]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You have no idea if it was always him chatting with you.

Can we just agree to disagree? You seem to have had an experience with a scammer that has colored your opinions, and I don't want to debate this point. I find your comment very aggressive and negative.

[gamon]

15 hours ago, angelpie said:

 found his email address and some similar addresses on porn sites. 

How the heck do you find someone's email address on porn sites?

It's not like they post a list or anything.

[SherrySher]

21 hours ago, angelpie said:

I found an old HS BF on Facebook while looking for someone else. We're not young. I'm in my late 60s and he's a bit older. We started chatting, catching up, and he told me his wife has early Alzheimer's. We chatted for about 3 months, but he kept trying to take the conversation to sex, and I told him I wasn't interested in talking about that, because I'm not one to commit adultery. I'm not very religious, I just don't believe in it morally. We went through some ups and downs, because we started having feelings for each other, but he couldn't stop wanting sex, so we broke it off. We live about 8 hours drive apart, and he wanted to fly me up there and put me in a hotel just so we could have sex. Mind you, he works for himself, but I would have been stuck at a hotel all day waiting to spend a couple of hours with him, and being alone all night while he went home to his family. He saw nothing wrong with this. I was appalled! Of course, I said no. We finally decided to stop communicating at all. I tried to send him an e-card for Christmas, and he was absolutely hateful about it. He blames all of this on me, when it was his obsession with sex that really did it in. I only ever wanted to be friends.

Things got a lot more complicated during one part, and friends got involved. He blames all that on me too. After our last conversation, I blocked him everywhere on social media and my phone and emails. It ended for good just a couple of days before Christmas, and I'm having a hard time not contacting him. He has no way to contact me unless he uses a burner phone or something to text me. I blocked his phone # and he used his wife's phone at one time, so I blocked that too. He called me last night from a "Private" caller ID, but I have an app that traces them, so I know it was him. He didn't say anything, but I said that he was the one who made the no contact rule, so please just leave me alone. He called three times in 5 minutes, then didn't call again.

I know I should forget him. He's obviously not the sweet, shy boy I knew in HS, far from it. In fact, he has a bad temper and is very controlling. I fear he's a little narcissistic the way he keeps blaming everything on me even when some events were clearly his fault.

So I just need encouragement that I'm right, that I should just let him go. He told me once that if "anything changed" with his wife (meaning she died), he'd be on my doorstep. Sadly, I can't keep him from doing that, so I'm just praying she stays healthy for quite a while, or he forgets that statement.

But trying to say this as respectful as possible....you dangle a carrot in front of this type of man, over and over...what do you think is going to happen?

He's a cheater and a lower grade of man. I hope if he ever shows up at your door that you call the police. (I'm serious).

He may be older, but he's more than capable of rape. Please keep that in mind.

[Jibralta]

22 hours ago, angelpie said:

Sadly, I can't keep him from doing that

Of course you can. Let him know that if he shows up on your doorstep, you'll call the cops. Then, if he shows up on your doorstep, call the cops. 

[catfeeder]

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes if you're too bored or lonely to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

I'd avoid drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out of by telling myself that I'm upset or that I find this to be difficult.

Instead, I'd thank myself for ditching the dude, and I'd learn how to screen out snakes based one ONE major dealbreaker rather than continuing to play until I've been bitten.

Head high, and move your focus onto something productive sooner rather than later.

 

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm not sure if this question has been asked, but did you know he was married when you first contacted him?

Either way, if you truly want to get rid of him, you'll find a way, if not you'll find an excuse.

[smackie9]

Block block and block some more. He sounds dangerous so make sure you document all his attempts to interact with you. You will need proof of his harassment. If he shows up at your door call the police.