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Dating a younger man


SarahM832
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Last year, I divorced my ex husband after 16 years of Marriage. I have a 15 year old son with him and its been a tough year for the both of us. During this time, I mainly spent alot of time with my trainer at the gym that I go to. Fast forward a few dates later and we're officially in a relationship. I really like this guy, he's so supportive and sweet. Only problem is that he is only 24 and I just turned 40. My worry is that people will constantly stare at us or judge our relationship. How do I try to make this work?

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What exactly are you hoping to make work? If you are both happy it is working. 

The speed in which you found yourself in this relationship may be more of a problem. At the end of the day treat this as a decision you’ve made for yourself. You seem helpless and afraid of what others think. You don’t have to live that way. 

If you are not happy and this isn’t for you or if you feel you want different things, end it. Keep things very simple. There’s nothing stopping you from moving on.

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Imo, you need to decide what outcome(s) you are ok with.  He is at a phase in his life where guys experiment with all kinds of relationships. He lives in the now.  Can you do that without expectations for the long-term? Given that 20s and 40s are very different life stages, there's a higher than average chance that your relationship will run its circle and you will part ways at some point but nothing in life is certain either way.  Are you ok with that possible outcome?  If yes, then enjoy what you have.  What strangers think should play no role in your decision.  It's none of their business how you live your life.  They are not in your shoes.

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2 hours ago, SarahM832 said:

, I mainly spent alot of time with my trainer. he is only 24 and I just turned 40. 

Enjoy the fling. Don't worry about what people will think, but be aware that it's a short term situation.

Don't worry about "making it work". You're on the rebound from a painful divorce and this serves as a flattering distraction. That's ok. 

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My friend's daughter is 26 and married to a 28 year old -they've been together since he was around 15.  They both knew they wanted to be together - meaning his age doesn't mean he's not ready to settle down at 24.  My 55 year old friend and her 56 year old husband met when they were 16 and they knew shortly after it was forever.

The issue is you are 40 -does he want kids? Does he want kids right away? Do you want more kids? Have these conversations unless this is just a fun fling.  Don't worry about judging.  You're both single adults.  Do you feel comfortable looking older than him? (Yes even if you look 10 years younger -it's a significant age difference).  If so, fine.  Will you feel too insecure being around 20 somethings who look younger than you? If not, fine.  

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You should know this is going to be at best a long fling.  I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't the first or last older woman he trained that he quickly got into a relationship with for some fun.

 The age thing is going to be more of a problem with his peers than yours I would imagine.

 You need to accept that you are in a transition phase in your life coming off a 16 yr marriage and wanting to feel good about yourself and know men still want you so this young stud fits the bill right now.  When the new starts to wear off for both of you this may just fade away into nothing but you could be that one time when it all goes perfectly.  To be blunt don't get to invested in this as a romance, just enjoy it as it comes.

PS  Don't lie to your son about it, that will just make things worse.

Lost

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12 hours ago, SarahM832 said:

My worry is that people will constantly stare at us or judge our relationship

If those are the only things you've worried about, you haven't considered the full picture. I have because I've personally known at least a few people with those age gap relationships. At 24, his brain won't even fully mature for another year in the decision making area. I know a woman who was similar in age to you and brought a man over from another country she met on a trip who was 23 when they met. I figured as soon as his brain fully matured, at some point he would say, "OMG, what have I done?" They had a child together and the marriage didn't even make it 3 years and the child has had to suffer because of his immaturity. Before that, he would lie and say he was older when around her older friends because he felt strange being so much younger.

You have to think about if this went on for a while, that you might be hanging out with a group of friends his age and being immersed into another era of music and topics that you don't really care for. And he might not get much enjoyment around your couple friends or group of friends.

If you've never done online dating, you might not know that guys in their twenties and thirties are contacting women in their 40s really regularly, but that totally stops when a woman gets into her 50s and 60s. There's a noted difference there, so think about when you turn 50 if your ego and confidence level won't make you start wanting facelifts and other expensive surgeries to to try to look as youthful as your 35 year old bf. A couple similar in age don't have those concerns. Nor do they have to worry about one person retiring 15 or more years earlier than their partner, or dying 15 or more years earlier. There are plenty of reasons severe age gap partnerships have a higher failure rate than smaller age gaps. Since you've already been through a divorce which is always upsetting, why enter into a dating situation that is this high risk? Especially when your heart is in a very tender state.

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Well, I know a couple who got together when he was 18 and she was 32 and married to his coworker. It started out as an affair.

Without getting into the details (some of which are pretty awful), just recently they celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary. They are very happy together.

Now, I do realize this is one of the very few exceptions. Normally these relationships don't last. It all depends on what it is you both are looking for.

I will say, if you'd be embarrassed to be seen with him in public it will definitely NOT succeed.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/23/2021 at 8:13 PM, SarahM832 said:

Last year, I divorced my ex husband after 16 years of Marriage. I have a 15 year old son with him and its been a tough year for the both of us. During this time, I mainly spent alot of time with my trainer at the gym that I go to. Fast forward a few dates later and we're officially in a relationship. I really like this guy, he's so supportive and sweet. Only problem is that he is only 24 and I just turned 40. My worry is that people will constantly stare at us or judge our relationship. How do I try to make this work?

So im with a 29 yr old and im 53 STOP WORRYING if your going to ruin your life then ruin it worrying about what others think or LIVE simple, haven't you ruined it enough????poor you going to the gym and having a life.  When I left my older foreign ex after 30 years of *** and four older kids now (youngest is 20) I HAD NOTHING EXCEPT MY CLOTHS LITERALLY, and had to rely on welfare and rent a room, and could not even see my too youngest at the time.  I had a string of hookups (to many) and then got kicked out illegally and had to go back to him as I had nowhere to go.  Then I had my second girl come back and leave her bf to help me get the place (dump) I rent now with my youngest girl as well, and it was really hard and stressful.  I was single for one year out of years with ex and now with the sweet thing that found me on a dating app, who like me looks way younger than he is. Maybe you just need time to be on your own, jumping straight into another relationship is not always advisable, my own younger sister has had alot of trouble finding the right guy, it's been a few years already, she is like me a young soul who will never tone down or lewt age slow her down.  A final world od advice from someone who knows, if your going to let people get to you they will, I dont care anymore and nor does he, WE JUST DO NOT CARE.  Toughen up girl or you will end up alone simple.  I've survived a suicide attempt at 18 and others due to ex, run over, and almost by race horses, (wasn't in a good mind frame) and drowned a few times nearly.  this is true and correct, really I should not be here, my sister also same, tough childhood where we had to fend for ourselves, with alcoholic parents who did what they liked at our expense.  Tough adolescence, then awful men then him, if this guy is the one then dont muck it up, you only get one *** at this ok and I know. AGE IS JUST A DAM NUMBER.

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  • 2 months later...

I say go for it and not worry....enjoy your relationship with this young man. Who said it had to lead to a life long partnership/marriage? You already got out of one, so why you have to be looking for another husband? You do whatever you think feels right for YOU. You deserve to have some nice young thing hanging off your arm..why not?

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