I'm the crazy ex-girlfriend - so humiliated!

[BrokenRomantic]

I hate for this to be my first topic, but I feel like SUCH an idiot right now...

Long story short, I dated a guy a couple of years ago. Even though we connected really well, we clearly weren't meant to be, because he broke it off after a short while. Unfortunately, he seems to be the one I can't quite get out of my head. (Yes, I'm in therapy and have worked on this!) I've dated other guys and been in other relationships, but he sticks out.

He moved to another city earlier this year, and I was somewhat relieved... until I saw his new GF's instagram. (That app is the devil.) They got serious really fast, which hurt like hell as I felt like he never gave me a chance in the first place.

I'm in his city for a week for work, and I knew his address - don't ask - so the other day I drove by because I was curious if the GF was living with him after 3 months of them dating. I casually walked by (his house is up on a hill so it's hard to see people on the street - I figured my cover was safe) and saw they were packing up for a camping trip. [Side note: her voice is so shrill and off-putting/annoying that I thought, "He LIKES this? Yikes."]

Last night, I was driving back to my hotel and the route took me right past his house again. I thought, "I need more ammo to dislike this girl. I hope her car is a mess and she's a bad driver!" (Rationale is not one of my strong suits. 🙄) I parked on the street, walked up the dark driveway and went over to her car in the carport. I didn't touch it, didn't do anything, just literally walked around the car, marvelled at the huge scrape on the back bumper, and out of the carport. I stopped by the front gate for 2 seconds and process what I'd just seen, and heard a voice: "Stop snooping around my house!"

Oh my god. He clearly has a Nest or other security cam set up. I'm an idiot.

I froze in place, turned and saw the speaker mounted by the floodlight, then ducked into the bushes and scrambled down the driveway. I then drove home in a panic. Did he see my face? It's 2 years, did he recognize me?

Not to worry - the Instagram-obsessed girlfriend POSTED THE VIDEO on her stories. 😲 The security cam footage she showed was from inside the carport, so the night vision distorted it a bit, but it showed exactly what I had done - walked around and then looked at the rear bumper. Caption was something along the lines of, "This random person just tried to break in. They were looking for a key on my tires! #crimestoppers."

I'm just PRAYING that any other cameras made it hard to see my face, or that he doesn't recognize my face in the video she posted. I am SUCH a crazy psycho ex-gf: I trespassed on my ex's property, got accused by her of trying to break in on social media, and now I'm sitting here banging my head against the desk for doing something so dumb. All because I just wanted one more piece of ammo to use against her to make me not like her, only to have it backfire and put me in danger of being doxxed. 🙄

Please, let this be a warning. Trying to find ways to hate on the new GF by judging her by the state of her car - not recommended. 

[Rose Mosse]

I can assure you the best way to move on is to do well for yourself. Don’t worry about what he’s up to or who he’s dating. Let this be a reminder and a lesson to you and move on. 

[Wiseman2]

First, delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

You're lucky you we're arrested for trespassing. However with the evidence they have you may get arrested for stalking and harassment. 

Hopefully they get a restraining order against you. That way you'll be inspired to leave them alone and move forward.

Have you seen the movie "Fatal Attraction"?. It's a portrait of a woman with borderline personality disorder. However any number of mood or personality issues could cause your behavior.

Talk to your therapist. But you may want to check with your physician about your overall physical and mental health and get a referral to a qualified therapist.

[BrokenRomantic]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully they get a restraining order against you. That way you'll be inspired to leave them alone and move forward.

"Hopefully they get a restraining order against you"? That's a cruel thing to say to someone. I literally haven't talked to him in 2 years. It was a stupid, silly mistake and I owned up to it - because I'm human. You telling me I should be arrested is unnecessarily harsh and uncalled for.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, BrokenRomantic said:

 telling me I should be arrested 

Yes you could have been arrested. No one stated you should be.

"I'm only human" is a lame excuse because many people don't do stuff this egregious.

And yes people get restraining orders for creepy stuff like this all the time, so that's another possibility.

[BrokenRomantic]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes you could have been arrested. No one stated you should be.

"I'm only human" is a lame excuse because many people don't do stuff this egregious.

Do you think I'm not aware of that?

And clearly you've never made a mistake before in your life - other than to say someone admitting they're human as a "lame excuse." It's not - an excuse is someone trying to absolve themselves of their actions by making something up or passing the blame onto something/someone else. I didn't do that. I regret my error and take responsibility for it.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, BrokenRomantic said:

 I just wanted one more piece of ammo to use against her to make me not like her. 

Well if you don't hear anything, perhaps you will be ok. However she's right to post about the crime and ask for help solving it. 

Maybe they'll bring it to the police to enhance the images so they can identify you.

People don't want to live in terror and she has every right to post facts and evidence about the crime.

[Batya33]

I'm also glad she posted it as a warning to others because she thought she was a potential crime victim.  How scary/creepy.  I really don't relate to why you needed to post this as a warning to others.  Most people would not do what you did to these people over a guy who didn't want to date you after a short while.  And most people wouldn't be so self absorbed so as to judge how she spoke and what kind of car she drives.  No one needs your warning. Most people don't need "ammo" because they're not so off the rails self absorbed that they tell themselves "I NEED" ammo to "make me not like her".  It's not about you.

But warn yourself - maybe this is a one off and you've learned your lesson -touched the hot stove so to speak -but I would be very careful about assuming you're ok and you're not going to overreact in this flagrant way because you're a woman scorned, or you're frustrated, hangry whatever.  Your reactions in my lapyerson opinion are not normal.  You're so lucky you weren't arrested or physically hurt -meaning you were on their property so they could have chosen to forcibly remove you.  What you did was not just silly and it was not just one mistake- you went there more than once.  Don't give yourself a pass because that's justifying the dangerous things you did.

It's ok if someone chooses not to date you.  They don't deserve retaliation especially in violating their privacy, stalking, harassing, going on their property.  

Everyone makes mistakes is no excuse.  It depends what the mistake was, why it happened and your reaction as far as what you are going to do -what steps you are going to take -so it doesn't happen again. I've made many mistakes.  I made fun of a boy in my first grade class because he moved so slowly and looked odd and everyone else made fun of him. 

Almost 50 years ago.  A short time later he died of his heart condition I knew nothing about.  50 years later and I still think of this - I forgive myself in the sense that I was 6 years old - but I learned from it my whole life about what we don't know might be going on and how awful it is to make fun of someone or join in on a group doing so.  She was right to post all the photos she could about you trespassing on the property. 

You might want to think about what's inside you that you would act as you did and even go there as far as her voice tone and what kind of car she drives.  Have you ever volunteered at a homeless shelter or similar? Have you ever seen a parent carrying heavy packages -all their belongings -and little kids in tow try to get them all on a bus to go who knows where?

Maybe this woman doesn't give a crap what kind of car she drives or maybe she fell on hard times and this was the best she could afford.  And now she sees some stranger on her property near her car.  You don't know what people have been through. 

Open your heart -through actions -and take a look at what certain internal and external struggles people go through to reach their goals or just to survive.  I didn't when I was 6. Wow how I wish I had so I could have stood up for him and shown compassion instead of distaste.

Might help your attitude a bit.  

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, BrokenRomantic said:

"I need more ammo to dislike this girl. I hope her car is a mess and she's a bad driver!" (Rationale is not one of my strong suits. 🙄)

You don't "dislike" her. You're jealous of her because this man you're obsessed with loves her and not you.

Yes, that is tough to read. But it's important. Other men like you, don't they? So the fact that you're so upset that ONE man you dated briefly a few years ago loves someone else shows that it's not about love for you but rather about ego. You can't stand that there's a man out there who doesn't love you.

I hope you and your therapist are working on your self esteem so you don't need everyone you encounter to love you forever.

And it seems you've learned your lesson about controlling your actions. Stalking his home didn't make him fall out of love with her and in love with you, so hopefully you won't risk getting arrested or shot because of your ego ever again.

And just for the record, yes, other people have done things like this. But as you found, it's a terrible idea.

[reinventmyself]

I admire your honesty. . and yes, you must feel awfully embarrassed.    Hard lesson learned.  Shake it off and move forward.

I honestly believe that when those we care for make that choice to leave, we create some undeserving shrine or pedestal to put them on.  The chances are high that had the two of you stayed together you could have just as likely found something you didn't care for and you might have been the one to leave.  When you only date someone for a short time and it ends while you are still on the honeymoon high, it's a long way to fall.

This tends to more about you and feeling abandoned.  It's an icky feeling for sure and you are letting that experience define you and make you feel bad about yourself.  You trying to find fault in her, is just you trying to measure yourself up against her.  You may never know why he left.  I try to find comfort in remembering that I have ended things with perfectly wonderful men and though I wasn't "feelin it"  it took absolutely nothing away from them.  We all go on to find someone better matched for ourselves.

Two years is a long time to carry a torch for someone.  It's really time to move on.   Do it as gift for yourself. . .because you deserve it.

[Andrina]

You've chosen to keep him in your life by keeping tabs on him. What you fill your eyes and mind with on a daily basis will stay on your mind. That's why people who are successful with closure have deleted an ex's photos, texts, phone numbers, social media, etc. This is a watershed moment screaming at you to do just that.

[boltnrun]

I had a man I used to date message me repeatedly even though he was in a serious relationship with someone else, someone he purported to love dearly. Again, it was about his ego. He's an extremely good looking man, very used to women literally throwing themselves at him. So when plain Jane I rejected him it was a terrible blow to his ego. He didn't love me; he just couldn't handle the rejection because he'd never experienced it before. He continued to message me until I told him clearly to leave me alone and blocked him.

Look, you're obviously an attractive woman. Men like you and want to date you. The fact that you're hung up on the ONE man who isn't interested is very telling and something I hope you're exploring with your therapist.

BTW, this wasn't a "mistake". A mistake is adding chili powder when the recipe calls for cinnamon because they look similar. These were planned actions, designed to soothe your ego and envy. Don't let your ego lead you down a self destructive path. It's not worth being humiliated, embarrassed or arrested.

Good on you for being honest about your actions. Now just explore why this man choosing not to date you anymore sent you into such a tailspin and you'll probably come out of it fine.

[Seraphim]

This is why people have security cameras. I recently got one. ( lots of porch piracy) Seriously , though your entire post talks about how YOU feel. And how YOU are scared and upset . Not considering the feelings of others is the issue here . You wouldn’t have done this had you considered that. The gf did nothing wrong , you did. You were trespassing with no reason to be there. Lucky you didn’t get shot or something. 

[tattoobunnie]

I have ton plenty of crazy sh*t, even when it ended amicably, so I won't judge...it takes a while to figure out who you want, what you want, what you need, and what you won't settle on.

But no need to hate on this woman - she did nothing to you.  I repeat, she did nothing to you.  And this guy, he's not the one.  To get him out of your mind, block him on everything. Delete and block his number.  Throw away all mementos, including good ones.  You've built him up in your head and put him on a pedestal.  But he doesn't deserve it, because he's just some dude who isn't the one.  

You may not get this now, but learn to love yourself, and don't accept anything less than a man who thinks you're the best in the world.

[MissCanuck]

If you were a man, OP, and caught doing what you were doing - you would likely be classified as a stalker. 

I'm sorry, but your behaviour is incredibly inappropriate and creepy. The fact that you've had no contact with him in 2 years makes it that much more so. 

The police wouldn't have called this a "mistake", because it wasn't. It was intentional on your part. Nor would they have cared for excuses about this being a human error in judgnment. I do hope you're seeking professional help and that you leave these people alone, including not following them online. 

[junebug123]

I’m not going to attack you. I think it’s silly that people have responded so harshly to your post. 

I too went through something similar recently where I was let go from a job that I was excited about, because someone cried to our manager about me.

I still think about this person to this day and secretly want them to get fired and go through hardship and struggle. I know all of this is selfish and based on my ego.

Even thou I told myself to forgive her and wish her the best, and be the better person. It hurts, a lot. To be honest I didn’t even like working there and I’m in a situation now where it’s a lot less stressful and I get along with everyone I work with.

Its just the idea of feeling like you lost, and the competitive nature in me wants justice. My suggestion, find something which fulfills you more then this incident. Get a gym membership, pick up a hobby or study a new trade.

Let these activities take the place of those feelings you have towards this individual. I know this is hard to believe, but our minds are not capable of actively holding two thoughts at once. When you learn to let go and roll with the punches, you will be more prepared for handling more serious things in life with grace and ease.

[MissCanuck]

8 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I think it’s silly that people have responded so harshly to your post. 

Not really. 

Her conduct could have gotten her arrested - and still might, if the guy recognizes her on the video. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Not really. 

Her conduct could have gotten her arrested - and still might, if the guy recognizes her on the video. 

Yes.  Wanting revenge and thinking nasty thoughts is far different from trespassing and what the OP did and blithely dismisses as a mistake and justifies what she did to these people because she “needed” not to like her.  This says to me she’d do the same sort of “mistake “ again.  That’s separate from her normal feelings. Or at least a bit extreme since they dated a long time ago and a short while - but feelings are feelings.  What she chose to do to act on her feelings - no I wasn’t harsh.  And it’s intended as tough love as she’s lucky she didn’t get attacked and or arrested. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, junebug123 said:

Well, unless your a lawyer or giving legal advice. From what I read, unless there is a sign stating explicitly not to walk on the driveway, then it’s not considered trespassing unless the person was warned at least once.

Even in a situation where a person was walking their dog or just wanted to admire a persons car, it’s not likely that they can get arrested. It’s fine to act like a morale arbiter and I agree that morally it was probably not the right thing to do.

But going beyond that is childish in my opinion. Also I am not writing this post to be contentious. I am merely suggesting that the OP already established that they knew what they did was wrong and was embarrassed about it...

No.  She dismissed it as a silly mistake and we all make mistakes. Read her defensive responses.   I’m not giving legal advice. I wouldn’t know the laws where she lives.  It’s common sense that you don’t do what she did on someone else’s property.  Especially holiday time when people are on alert for porch pirates etc. 

[MissCanuck]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  Wanting revenge and thinking nasty thoughts is far different from trespassing and what the OP did

Exactly. 

OP wasn't merely thinking these thoughts. She actually acted on them. Huge difference. 

[boltnrun]

16 hours ago, BrokenRomantic said:

I trespassed on my ex's property,

She said it herself.

But yes, it's not your finest moment, OP, and could have potential to get worse (or not...) but definitely a big lesson learned. 

[Lambert]

I think for what it is worth, you are down playing the seriousness of what you did. 

It's 2 years later.

You are in a town you are visiting.

You had to look up their address etc.

You went back twice.

It is disturbing and not normal. And as someone else mentioned, all you care about is yourself.  How you look.  How you might get arrested.  What about them and their privacy?

Why are you doing this? For "ammo to not like someone". I'm not sure what that even means. Did you want info to mock her on social media or do more to stalk them? 

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.  I'm trying to point out how far out these actions are. 

This should be a huge wake up call.  Something is not right with you and you need to work on it more.  Maybe get a different therapist. 

[Capricorn3]

12 hours ago, BrokenRomantic said:

It was a stupid, silly mistake

It was not a mistake.  It was intentional. You last spoke to him 2 years ago. He's in a different city. You had to look up his address. You went back twice.  None of that is a mistake. It was a choice.  Big difference.

[BrokenRomantic]

10 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

I admire your honesty. . and yes, you must feel awfully embarrassed.    Hard lesson learned.  Shake it off and move forward.

I honestly believe that when those we care for make that choice to leave, we create some undeserving shrine or pedestal to put them on.  The chances are high that had the two of you stayed together you could have just as likely found something you didn't care for and you might have been the one to leave.  When you only date someone for a short time and it ends while you are still on the honeymoon high, it's a long way to fall.

This tends to more about you and feeling abandoned.  It's an icky feeling for sure and you are letting that experience define you and make you feel bad about yourself.  You trying to find fault in her, is just you trying to measure yourself up against her.  You may never know why he left.  I try to find comfort in remembering that I have ended things with perfectly wonderful men and though I wasn't "feelin it"  it took absolutely nothing away from them.  We all go on to find someone better matched for ourselves.

Two years is a long time to carry a torch for someone.  It's really time to move on.   Do it as gift for yourself. . .because you deserve it.

Thank you. This is helpful, I appreciate it.

[BrokenRomantic]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She said it herself.

But yes, it's not your finest moment, OP, and could have potential to get worse (or not...) but definitely a big lesson learned. 

I know. I knew they weren't home, and I honestly wasn't thinking clearly. It was stupid, 90 second mistake.

 

4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

I’m not going to attack you. I think it’s silly that people have responded so harshly to your post. 

...

Its just the idea of feeling like you lost, and the competitive nature in me wants justice. My suggestion, find something which fulfills you more then this incident. Get a gym membership, pick up a hobby or study a new trade.

Let these activities take the place of those feelings you have towards this individual. I know this is hard to believe, but our minds are not capable of actively holding two thoughts at once. When you learn to let go and roll with the punches, you will be more prepared for handling more serious things in life with grace and ease.

Thank you. I have done that and it's helped immensely - it's funny how getting back into playing in instrument completely blocks out every other thought!