The man I like doesn’t like me back

[kim42]

So there is this guy I really like but it seems he’s not interested. I’m not expecting any advice on how to attract him, or convince him to like me, I know you can’t make someone like you, I just need to get this off my chest.

It’s a little frustrating because there are guys interested in me, even his friends have asked me out, but he seems to keep his distance. I went to a little get together last weekend and he was there. He approached me and we talked for a while, but then he said he needed fresh air and went outside. We used to talk on social media before and I thought he might like me, but then the communication stopped. He apologized for not replying to my message last weekend but I think he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

After I left the party, 3 guys sent me text messages and they seem to be interested, at least in getting to know me, unlike the guy I have a crush on. I don’t expect every guy to be into me, I’m just tired of attracting men I don’t like.

[dias]

10 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He approached me and we talked for a while, but then he said he needed fresh air and went outside. We used to talk on social media before and I thought he might like me, but then the communication stopped. He apologized for not replying to my message last weekend but I think he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

He knows that you like him?

[kim42]

5 minutes ago, dias said:

He knows that you like him?

I never told him or asked him out but I think he knows. 

[Andrina]

You're in a different generation than me. I used to only give my number out to guys I was interested in. Do you really want to just hand out your number to numerous men like this? Do you really want to waste time replying to messages to guys who are into you but they hold no romantic interest to you?

Do you hang out with the same group all the time? If nobody interests you in that group, start doing other activities to meet single guys your age.

[dias]

16 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I never told him or asked him out but I think he knows. 

He knows as much as you know about him probably. Is he supposed to know from just chit-chatting? 

[kim42]

2 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You're in a different generation than me. I used to only give my number out to guys I was interested in. Do you really want to just hand out your number to numerous men like this? Do you really want to waste time replying to messages to guys who are into you but they hold no romantic interest to you?

Do you hang out with the same group all the time? If nobody interests you in that group, start doing other activities to meet single guys your age.

I didn't give my phone number to  anyone, they messaged me on social media, sorry if it's confusing. They found my profile themselves, I didn't share it with them. I don't give my number to random guys 🙂

I have several group of friends, and this one organizes fun events, but maybe you're right and I should do other activities too. My hobbies are just very feminine and there are many guys in this group so I like to be a part of it.

[kim42]

9 minutes ago, dias said:

He knows as much as you know about him probably. Is he supposed to know from just chit-chatting? 

That's a good point, I thought it was obvious for him but it's true I didn't really do much to show it I guess. I always replied to his messages and I was nice to him. I just think if he was interested in me, he would do something. I thought our conversation last weekend was kind of awkward, and how he left it a little abruptly made me think he doesn't like me.

[dias]

6 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I always replied to his messages and I was nice to him. 

I am like this with almost everyone and many people are like this. It does not mean you showed interest though. You could be a bit more proactive 🙂

[kim42]

10 minutes ago, dias said:

I am like this with almost everyone and many people are like this. It does not mean you showed interest though. You could be a bit more proactive 🙂

That's true, I think I expected him to be more proactive too 🙂 the guys I mentioned that were/are interested in me showed it somehow, and he didn't do something like that so far. He was friendly to me when I last saw him but he talked to other girls more than to me (we don't know each other that much though).

[DancingFool]

Unfortunately, this is one of those now you see it now you don't situations. Could be that he is not that into you, or could be that he is so into you, he is getting a bit tongue tied and shy/awkward about it.

Only way to find out is for you to step up and be more direct about your interest in him. If he doesn't take the bait or simply says "no thanks", then at least you can get over your crush and focus on other guys.

As long as you are hung up on him, you will not see other guys as viable options even if they are way better than your crush.

[Batya33]

With rare exception in my 24 years of on and off dating (other than when I was in a relationship) a man who wanted to ask me out and was interested and single did so even if I showed little or no interest.  Yes even my husband who back then was extremely shy.  Yes many shy men asked me out.  Shy reserved people tend to like me for some reason.

And if I was friendly, approachable, perhaps maybe a little harmless flirting -but even without the flirting -I never encountered any situation -neither did any of my single friends -where a man didn't step up to the plate and ask a woman out after she stepped up to the plate and showed interest. 

I did ask men out.  I wasn't afraid.  In my experience men who got asked out were flattered and might go out once or twice or have a fling but didn't pick that woman for a serious relationship.  Certainly after dating for a bit that wasn't an issue -but the first few times? 

Different if you are super attracted to shy, awkward, insecure men and you like to have more of the control in the beginning as to going on dates, planning, etc - then for sure you should do more of the asking out in the beginning, you should show interest by asking the man out if you think he's that shy and that insecure that he can't possibly ask you to have lunch sometime.  I'm sure some women like that dynamic. 

I couldn't stand that dynamic and I wanted a man who was I suppose more traditional (from 1978-2005 when I dated it wasn't traditional, just "typical") - and was willing to put in the effort to ask me out first -and even second -especially if I showed interest.  

Or if the man is not asking you out because of an obstacle like you work together or he thinks you're involved with someone else then certainly you can either set him straight and or ask him out.

I think it's great for women to ask men out.  It's not brave -just like it doesn't require a lot of bravery to ask a woman out.  I just don't think it's an effective way to find a man for purposes of a serious relationship.  Maybe that's changed. My friends over the last 16 years after I went "off the market" tell me it hasn't.  But I haven't dated myself.  Maybe i'm dating myself by writing this lol.

I'm sorry he doesn't seem interested. It must be frustrating.  i've been there!

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Only way to find out is for you to step up and be more direct about your interest in him.

I agree!

[greendots]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Only way to find out is for you to step up and be more direct about your interest in him. If he doesn't take the bait or simply says "no thanks", then at least you can get over your crush and focus on other guys.

This! I missed some incredible opportunities because I didn't step up.

Cute guy approached me, conversation flowed. But as I was a total noob that didn't know that a man approaching you signaled initial interest, well, I played it safe. I thought, if he's really interested he'll pursue me relentlessly as it had happened before. Well, he didn't. He moved on to someone more engaging. The end. Literally.

So, please, don't be like my former self as it gets you nowhere. Make it very evident that you're flirting, see his reaction. What do you have to lose? 🙂

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but the guy that likes you would at least try something. He wouldnt stop communicating, he would answer your messages and he would even try to single you out at that event by inviting you to catch the fresh air with him. No ammount of your "proactivity" would get you there. That might work with initial meetings when you get the guy to notice you. He already knows that you exist. He is just not very interested in progressing anything. Unless he plays the games like "by appearing disiterested she will like me more"(which seems to work on you from some reason btw), he is just not that interested. And in a situations like that you should move on to somebody you like and that is interested in you. 

I would also like to adress this

13 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don’t expect every guy to be into me, I’m just tired of attracting men I don’t like.

and that it seems to be a pattern. Are you generally attracted to "unavailable" men? Because you appear to have no trouble in attracting men. But are hung up on the guy who doesnt appear to have a slightest interest in you. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, kim42 said:

After I left the party, 3 guys sent me text messages and they seem to be interested, 

Did any of them suggest a date? It's ok to have a crush. Not everyone is available.

 

[kim42]

5 hours ago, greendots said:

This! I missed some incredible opportunities because I didn't step up.

Cute guy approached me, conversation flowed. But as I was a total noob that didn't know that a man approaching you signaled initial interest, well, I played it safe. I thought, if he's really interested he'll pursue me relentlessly as it had happened before. Well, he didn't. He moved on to someone more engaging. The end. Literally.

So, please, don't be like my former self as it gets you nowhere. Make it very evident that you're flirting, see his reaction. What do you have to lose? 🙂

To be honest, I'm afraid to make it very evident that I like him, I'm rather shy around guys, and I think I've been "spoiled" because I am used to men making the first step, texting me etc. (I hope it doesn't sound arrogant). I mean he has my social media, he could send me a message or something.

I also don't want be too direct because if he rejects me, I'll probably still see him at these group events - we have the same hobby - and it might be just awkward. 

[kim42]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did any of them suggest a date? It's ok to have a crush. Not everyone is available.

 

2 of them are too old for me, and one is honestly a bit creepy, he sent me a message the moment he left the event.

[Jibralta]

28 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

the guy that likes you would at least try something. He wouldnt stop communicating, he would answer your messages and he would even try to single you out at that event by inviting you to catch the fresh air with him. No ammount of your "proactivity" would get you there.

12 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Only way to find out is for you to step up and be more direct about your interest in him.

I actually agree with both of these statements! Is there a way that you can let him know that you like him without chasing him? 

[kim42]

38 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but the guy that likes you would at least try something. He wouldnt stop communicating, he would answer your messages and he would even try to single you out at that event by inviting you to catch the fresh air with him. No ammount of your "proactivity" would get you there. That might work with initial meetings when you get the guy to notice you. He already knows that you exist. He is just not very interested in progressing anything. Unless he plays the games like "by appearing disiterested she will like me more"(which seems to work on you from some reason btw), he is just not that interested. And in a situations like that you should move on to somebody you like and that is interested in you. 

I would also like to adress this

and that it seems to be a pattern. Are you generally attracted to "unavailable" men? Because you appear to have no trouble in attracting men. But are hung up on the guy who doesnt appear to have a slightest interest in you. 

That's what I think as well, that he would do something more than he has done so far. 

At that event, he went outside to talk to his friends that I don't know, which is okay, I didn't expect him to talk to me for hours, our conversation was just awkward, he was kind of nervous.

I thought he was interested before because we would talk on social media, I like his sense of humor and he's smart, but maybe he was just bored. I was excited too see him last weekend, after a long time, but I realized he probably doesn't see me that way. 

I don't think I am generally attracted to "unavailable" men.

[kim42]

15 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I actually agree with both of these statements! Is there a way that you can let him know that you like him without chasing him? 

I don't think so. I could ask him to do something but I just don't want to risk it. 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, kim42 said:

To be honest, I'm afraid to make it very evident that I like him, I'm rather shy around guys, and I think I've been "spoiled" because I am used to men making the first step, texting me etc. (I hope it doesn't sound arrogant). I mean he has my social media, he could send me a message or something.

I also don't want be too direct because if he rejects me, I'll probably still see him at these group events - we have the same hobby - and it might be just awkward. 

He wouldn't be rejecting you.  He'd be declining to date you.  Huge difference.  You are entitled to your standards.  You are not arrogant.  Many men do the asking out but I also made sure I showed interest and flirted as needed lol.  Here's the thing -you're allowed to prioritize your standards and your shyness and you acknowledge this can limit your dating options.  No issues with that at all as long as you're honest with yourself how it could limit you from meeting good matches.  You don't have to date at all.  

My friend met her husband because her mom noticed that she looked down when she walked (she's very tall) and was missing out on men who were noticing her.  She took her mom's advice.  A bit of time later she saw a man with a friendly smile smiling at her from across a street.  Total stranger lol.  I know.  Anyway she crossed the street.  From all I know they are still married. Over 20 years.  Really good person.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I don't think so. I could ask him to do something but I just don't want to risk it. 

I really like your honesty.  It's all a risk benefit analysis.  I had to take huge risks to become the right person to find the right person and to stay with the right person.  Same with finding the right career for me.  Other risks I will not take -that many others do.  I acknowledge how that limits my life.  Good for you for being honest!

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't think I am generally attracted to "unavailable" men.

OK, just asking. Because people usually just move on when they see the other side isnt really interested. Few years ago, I met a girl. She was back in town fresh from college as me, we talked and added her on Facebok. I asked for a drink but never got an answer. I considered that a "No" and just moved on. We still see each other sometimes in town and talk but I dont look at her like that and that is about it. Made the mistake at the beggining of this year when I pursued something I shouldnt with another girl. But that girl was a special case and whole situation was confusing in general. What I am trying to say is, in situations like that, its usually not worth the trouble and you just move on. Again, if he is interested in anything, he wouldnt at least ignore you and your messages. Even if he is shy, he would find a way to get close to you in any way possible. I know its a phrase but "there is a plenty fish in the sea". no need to lose yourself over somebody who isnt willing to reciprocitate even the tiniest effort like answering your messages. In time somebody you like would show that interest and reciprocitate. There is no need to bend yourself over people who wouldnt.

[greendots]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

To be honest, I'm afraid to make it very evident that I like him, I'm rather shy around guys, and I think I've been "spoiled" because I am used to men making the first step, texting me etc. (I hope it doesn't sound arrogant). I mean he has my social media, he could send me a message or something.

I also don't want be too direct because if he rejects me, I'll probably still see him at these group events - we have the same hobby - and it might be just awkward. 

He's not necessarily going to chase you (e.g. contact you) if you don't make it evident that you're interested in him. I'd say that at a next event flirt with him. Generally, no amount of chasing will change a disinterested man's opinion. But an interested man will lose interest if things don't move forward.

I remember another guy approaching me, trying to impress me with stuff he did (in a good way) and flirting with me. But I rejected his advances by treating him like an acquaintance and not being engaging to his advances. He eventually left the conversation to talk to some of his mates.

Remember that you're after a date, not just chatting back and forth on social media. 🙂

[kim42]

35 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

OK, just asking. Because people usually just move on when they see the other side isnt really interested. Few years ago, I met a girl. She was back in town fresh from college as me, we talked and added her on Facebok. I asked for a drink but never got an answer. I considered that a "No" and just moved on. We still see each other sometimes in town and talk but I dont look at her like that and that is about it. Made the mistake at the beggining of this year when I pursued something I shouldnt with another girl. But that girl was a special case and whole situation was confusing in general. What I am trying to say is, in situations like that, its usually not worth the trouble and you just move on. Again, if he is interested in anything, he wouldnt at least ignore you and your messages. Even if he is shy, he would find a way to get close to you in any way possible. I know its a phrase but "there is a plenty fish in the sea". no need to lose yourself over somebody who isnt willing to reciprocitate even the tiniest effort like answering your messages. In time somebody you like would show that interest and reciprocitate. There is no need to bend yourself over people who wouldnt.

I didn't see him in a while because of lockdown so I wasn't sure if he's interested or not but I think I know after last weekend.