Girlfriend becoming distant, having hard time dealing

[Erich_132]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, the mindset that it's understandable and forgiveable if you do it but it's not OK if she does isn't a good one to have in a relationship. It's a double standard. What's good for the goose and all that.

Whoa there. At no point did I say what I did was understandable and forgivable. Although I think many things can be understandable and forgivable, for anyone. 

[Erich_132]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So you were willing to overlook this when the sex was good. 

Where did you get that my tongue in cheek comment was about sex?

[Erich_132]

42 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

 

I appreciate that. Are we certain no one would admit they are cheating though? We are getting into people's brains here, and no one is the same, but sure seems to me like some people would admit it when called out. I've had no experience with that, and I suppose with someone like this, who knows what's in her head?

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, Erich_132 said:

Whoa there. At no point did I say what I did was understandable and forgivable. Although I think many things can be understandable and forgivable, for anyone. 

Well, you used the word "hypocrisy" and said you owned it, so that's kind of what I was building on.

But yeah, most things are understandable and forgiveable in the context of a committed relationship. But this doesn't seem to be heading there. She's currently pulling way back. But it's up to you if you want to try to ride it out or cut your losses. 

For me, these things are kind of like a broken bone. It can heal but there's a scar and the limb probably won't be the same afterward. Unless, as I mentioned, it's in the context of a longer term, committed love relationship.

[DancingFool]

19 minutes ago, Erich_132 said:

I appreciate that. Are we certain no one would admit they are cheating though? We are getting into people's brains here, and no one is the same, but sure seems to me like some people would admit it when called out. I've had no experience with that, and I suppose with someone like this, who knows what's in her head?

The absolute vast majority of people who cheat will never admit to it even when confronted with concrete evidence.

That said, given your uncertain work situation and the fact that this already started out as "not forever", I kind of suspect that she has always been a lot less committed to you than you realize. It's really hard to date and expect commitment when you cannot commit due to work/life circumstances and things that are temporary, tend to end sooner rather than later. Not even sure if she is really cheating in her mind or more just exploring other options given the temporary nature of your situation. Either way she is being rather selfish in that she is doing what works for her without much regard for you and your needs. Like I said, when she spoke up about needing more, you stepped up. However, she is doing the complete opposite and is actively stonewalling you on meeting. Time to call it a day.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

Where did you get that my tongue in cheek comment was about sex?

So then what "needs" lol as you put it were you referring to?  Sorry if I misunderstood.

[Erich_132]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So then what "needs" lol as you put it were you referring to?  Sorry if I misunderstood.

I meant emotional really. Having an enjoyable time. As I stated early on, I am not and was not interested in a quick hookup. Neither was she, but as has been alluded to, I definitely see where I let myself get more involved than she did. I can actually see why she'd pull back when faced with me, who has obviously gotten more into the relationship than she intended. 

I doubt she knew exactly what she wanted, but situation and reality dictates that she probably had little expectation or interest in it going anywhere beyond being friends with benefits. And that was my mistake to not pay attention to that. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Erich_132 said:

I meant emotional really. Having an enjoyable time. As I stated early on, I am not and was not interested in a quick hookup. Neither was she, but as has been alluded to, I definitely see where I let myself get more involved than she did. I can actually see why she'd pull back when faced with me, who has obviously gotten more into the relationship than she intended. 

I doubt she knew exactly what she wanted, but situation and reality dictates that she probably had little expectation or interest in it going anywhere beyond being friends with benefits. And that was my mistake to not pay attention to that. 

I think she knew and told you she didn't see serious potential.  No one with rare exception would ever sabotage future potential unless he or she knew it was a no go for the future and just fun to date for the moment.  Casual dating is fine.  It's not fine unless both people want that.  You do not.  It's not her situation or reality - it's her choice given her situation and reality - she is choosing to prioritize those aspects of her situation over getting involved with you (or maybe anyone but other than for ego purposes assume that she didn't see you as a potential "one" and that's ok - everyone is not our match).

I'm sorry you're disappointed and frustrated.

[Erich_132]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're disappointed and frustrated.

Eh, its ok. I don't know as she had any specific type of relationship in mind, but the signs were there and I missed or ignored them, that's on me. 

[lostandhurt]

Don't beat yourself up over this as you are human and got caught up in the excitement of something new and your vision wasn't as clear as it could have been.  I don't think there is anyone on this forum that hasn't done the same thing.

  People often say one thing with every intention of following that path and then end up acting another way.  She says stay at arms length but when then she pulls you close all the time.  Pretty easy to accept her actions not her words.

  Long distance is tough in the best circumstances and you both had the cards stacked against you pretty high with your work schedules.  It sucks but there is nothing you could have done to change where you are now.

  I am curious what you want for your life?  A committed long term relationship?  or just dating in between work assignments?

Lost

[Erich_132]

17 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

 I am curious what you want for your life?  A committed long term relationship?  or just dating in between work assignments?

Lost

To me it seems I'd like something committed and long term. Otherwise I'd not be looking for a strong emotional connection. But with work moving me around, it's not realistic at this time I think. Never know, stars could align and something just works out, I won't completely remove options from the table. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

To me it seems I'd like something committed and long term. Otherwise I'd not be looking for a strong emotional connection. But with work moving me around, it's not realistic at this time I think. Never know, stars could align and something just works out, I won't completely remove options from the table. 

Especially at your age I would get much clearer about what you want -call it realistic or whatever label you want - get nitty gritty clear.  The "something just works out" is really unrealistic because in your age group and you being a parent - it's going to take proactivity on your part and clarity.  It's not about stars aligning. 

I was long distance with my husband but we'd been engaged in the past.  When we decided to get back together -I'd just turned 39, he was 38 - we had a five minute conversation about our specific goals and limitations -I mean practically speaking too.  Goals were marriage and opportunity for a family.  Exclusive dating.  Limitations were I knew I'd have to relocate eventually for his job and I had limitations on a couple of locations. 

Now obviously people who just met don't often decide on exclusivity from the get go - but if you go into it with your fate/stars horoscope approach you're getting in your own way and it's unfair to the other person because you already know you don't want to just date casually (if you did none of this would matter, but you don't which is totally fine).

When I was husband hunting for about 20 years on and off (mostly on) I never met or went on another date with any guy who said "oh I'm not sure about marriage/getting serious but you know if it happens it happens -and I don't want to marry before I'm 30".  One exception.  I was 23, he was 22.  I'd just broken an engagement (to someone else not my husband) - I was fine going with the flow temporarily. I went into it with eyes open and I was relatively young.  We were together 3 years.  And he did propose and in an unusual turn of events I declined. Our stars did align in a weird way -we both got married in the same year.  And we both married men.  That's another story.

[Erich_132]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Especially at your age I would get much clearer about what you want -call it realistic or whatever label you want - get nitty gritty clear.  The "something just works out" is really unrealistic because in your age group and you being a parent - it's going to take proactivity on your part and clarity.  It's not about stars aligning. 

 

I hear you. I hadn't considered it before, but maybe going with the flow and seeing how things work out really isn't appropriate for me. Obviously I need someone that is more invested, not going to get that from this woman, so why think the next will be anything different if I don't establish what I want and need. 

[lostandhurt]

You are on a good track here.

Many people date not really knowing what they want which leads to a lot of broken hearts on both sides.  Figure out what you want then make adjustments to your life to maximize the chances of getting what you want.

  To the extreme if a person took a 3 year research assignment in Antarctica but was dating wanting a long term relationship also.  The chances of anything happening for at least 3 years for this person are extremely remote.

  Don't give up but you might want to adjust things in your life a little to make your goal easier to attain.  Knowing what you want is a great first step which allows you to hopefully avoid becoming attached to someone that doesn't want what you want.

  Lost

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

I hear you. I hadn't considered it before, but maybe going with the flow and seeing how things work out really isn't appropriate for me. Obviously I need someone that is more invested, not going to get that from this woman, so why think the next will be anything different if I don't establish what I want and need. 

You can go with the flow and have goals.  Both can coexist beautifully.  Go with the flow as far as planning dates, not being rigid about when certain "milestones" "should" happen, etc

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Erich_132 said:

 If I want out, I'll torpedo it quickly.

Or in this case you can allow a natural death because of all the cumbersome, unsustainable circumstances. No need to call the executioner on this one. It will die out, slow or fast, your choice.

[smackie9]

When you are in the thick of it, it's too hard to stand back and say, yup this isn't working, I need to cut them loose. However you decide, take the less painful route.

[SooSad33]

I feel you two are just not on the same page.

You've experienced her life and challenges plenty over the last 9 months.  And I feel this just isn't for you.

And never change that much for someone you hardly know re: your work & life.

If your work entitles you to travel, you are well aware of it and know it can very well happen sometime.

Sounds like her lifestyle has come to affect you in a negative.  You are very unsure and letting your mind go amuck.  Not good 😕 .

If it is to the point now that you hardly ever 'feel good', to where you're more miserable than anything else, then maybe is time to consider just pulling out of this.  No reason to continue on, suffering, when it's most likely not going to progress & build as it should.

Like I said, you two sound like you're on 2 different paths in your lives and it's not working out.  Fine, work on accepting that and move on.

 

[Tinydance]

Look, I hate to say it but I don't think that she feels the same way about you as you feel about her. You are absolutely right, if she has time to go out with a friend until midnight on a work night and she also has a child - you can see that when she wants to do something, she'll make it happen. It's understandable she's busy as a single parent but I doubt that she's that busy that she literally can't see you. I think that all the reasons she gave you are just excuses and could be worked on IF she actually wanted to work on them.

I'm not sure why you and people on this thread are referring to this as a "long distance relationship". I actually wouldn't call an hour and a half long distance. Especially if you drive, I think it's very easy to travel that long to see your partner. I live in a fairly big city and traffic can be bad. Sometimes it takes me an hour to drive to some of my friends and I also have to pay a toll road charge. But I love seeing my friends, so I actually don't mind doing it. One of my closest friends lives in a rural town a 2.5 hour drive away and I sometimes even go and visit her because I really want to see her. I wouldn't even consider 1.5 hours to be long distance really.

I think her comment along the lines of "you're trying too hard for us to meet" is ridiculous. It seems she's losing/lost interest but what she said doesn't even make sense. When you're dating someone for seven months and haven't seen each other for a month, how is it a crime simply to want to see them?! It kind of seems like she's either trying to slow fade you or she still wants to see you casually, but all on her terms. In other words, if she really has no other plans and nothing better to do, then she might see you.

Maybe she did actually just want something casual all along. The problem with casual things is that they usually end at some point. And it sounds like maybe she's decided that point is now.