I Am An Overthinker

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

So you think it would be a bad idea to say "Hey, I was thinking about Wednesday and I do not think asking you to spend the night was a good idea, don't you think? We do not know eachother that well and that was too fast. I really did have good intentions as I only thought of it as a convenient for you to school the next day. I realize that is not a good look and it's a lot so soon as we barely know eachother. I think I just got a little excited and overzealous when we were hanging out" ?

Bad idea because you are trying to get her to relieve your own anxiety yet again.

Why are you so very anxious?  And why do you look to the women you date to relieve your anxiety?

I have anxiety but I don't look to others to relieve it.  I realize I own my anxiety and it's up to ME to relieve it, not press others to do so.

[EitherDare0]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

Bad idea because you are trying to relieve your own anxiety yet again.

Why are you so very anxious?  And why do you look to the women you date to relieve your anxiety?

I have anxiety but I don't look to others to relieve it.  I realize I own my anxiety and it's up to ME to relieve it, not press others to do so.

Well, for one I think I am super F'd up mentally at this point from past relationships.

For two, because I really like this girl. I did NOT tell her this, but I feel like I've known her longer than I have. We hit it off, got really close really fast, holding hands, cuddling, kissing. Probably too fast, but it felt right, and she was all about it too.

I do not want to blow this, and I am trying hard to not seem overeager or needy. I realize I probably already have to an extent. Which is partly why I have posted on here, and have done my best to shut up and give some space to her and see where it goes, rather than post my word vomit like I have on here.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Well, for one I think I am super F'd up mentally at this point from past relationships.

For two, because I really like this girl. I did NOT tell her this, but I feel like I've known her longer than I have. We hit it off, got really close really fast, holding hands, cuddling, kissing. Probably too fast, but it felt right, and she was all about it too.

I do not want to blow this, and I am trying hard to not seem overeager or needy. I realize I probably already have to an extent. Which is partly why I have posted on here, and have done my best to shut up and give some space to her and see where it goes, rather than post my word vomit like I have on here.

And that's good, because it's not her job to make you feel not anxious.

What are you currently and actively doing to address your anxiety?  What treatment are you receiving or practicing?

I started out seeing my medical doctor, then progressed to seeing a psychiatrist AND a psychologist along with anti-anxiety medication.  After about a year of intensive treatment I am now off the medication and only see the psychologist once a month and I see the medical doctor about every 4 months.  But I needed that treatment program because I was not functioning in a healthy way. 

So it's important to learn to deal with your anxiety so you're not a ball of nerves every time a woman you went on a couple of dates isn't texting as quickly or in the way you want her to.  And you're not sending wordy texts trying to get her to make you feel better.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Well, for one I think I am super F'd up mentally at this point from past relationships.

For two, because I really like this girl. I did NOT tell her this, but I feel like I've known her longer than I have. We hit it off, got really close really fast, holding hands, cuddling, kissing. Probably too fast, but it felt right, and she was all about it too.

I do not want to blow this, and I am trying hard to not seem overeager or needy. I realize I probably already have to an extent. Which is partly why I have posted on here, and have done my best to shut up and give some space to her and see where it goes, rather than post my word vomit like I have on here.

It is your responsibility to manage your perspective and expectations.  You get to know someone over a period of months -closer to a year or at least 6 months to know if there is serious potential.  Do not subject her to your neediness.  I ended more than one early dating relationship because of this -it smells bad, it's a huge turn off and it's self-absorbed.  Last time it happened was in 2005.  Really great guy.  Handsome, successful -confident in his work it seemed.  But not confident in dating.  Needy and self-absorbed.  Three weeks in promised to change - he did for a couple of days then back to the needy crap.  Ick.  It was a shame, sort of. 

Except also not a shame because while I was first dating him I reconnected with my ex fiancee.  I didn't compare because the reconnection was completely platonic for the first couple of weeks.  But I so appreciated, even more, my ex not behaving in this way and letting us get to know each other over time despite intense sparks -obviously intense -flying on both sides. It's one of the reasons we've been together since then and got married.

Certainly if someone is into someone else they cannot be driven away.  But first impressions, early impressions can change outlooks from "hmmm -potential!" to "hmmm -run away!!!".  Don't sabotage and try to think of her feelings instead of your need for reassurance from a near stranger.  It may feel like you've known her a long time. But it's not true.

[EitherDare0]

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And that's good, because it's not her job to make you feel not anxious.

What are you currently and actively doing to address your anxiety?  What treatment are you receiving or practicing?

I started out seeing my medical doctor, then progressed to seeing a psychiatrist AND a psychologist along with anti-anxiety medication.  After about a year of intensive treatment I am now off the medication and only see the psychologist once a month and I see the medical doctor about every 4 months.  But I needed that treatment program because I was not functioning in a healthy way. 

So it's important to learn to deal with your anxiety so you're not a ball of nerves every time a woman you went on a couple of dates isn't texting as quickly or in the way you want her to.  And you're not sending wordy texts trying to get her to make you feel better.

Working out, trying to stay sane, trying to be social.

I am a mess. It's clear. I am depressed. I told myself not to get my hopes up, I did anyhow, and probably sabotaged it already.

I'm so tired of dating, I am tired of failing, I am tired of it all. Honestly, Idk why I am even alive. I don't want to kill myself or anything, but I am so tired of living, feeling like this and I feel trapped and alone.

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Working out, trying to stay sane, trying to be social.

I am a mess. It's clear. I am depressed. I told myself not to get my hopes up, I did anyhow, and probably sabotaged it already.

I'm so tired of dating, I am tired of failing, I am tired of it all. Honestly, Idk why I am even alive. I don't want to kill myself or anything, but I am so tired of living, feeling like this and I feel trapped and alone.

Working out, trying to stay sane and trying to be social isn't working, is it?

So why aren't you willing to do something differently?  Are you ashamed to ask for help?  If so, why?

Let's say you broke your leg snowboarding.  Would you just "try" to keep walking on it or would you see a doctor?  Why is it different when it comes to your anxiety?

I would think you're tired of feeling this way.  So why not make some real changes that will get this thing to go away?

I can tell you, I am a world away from where I was a year and a half ago.  I practically couldn't leave home.  I am so much better today and all because I went to my doctor and said "I need help".  My doctor didn't make fun of me or laugh at me.  He got me the help I needed and I'm so glad.

[melchevelle]

bro me and you are very similar and in very similar situations. backing off is my only advice, because you can't unsay or undo what's been said and done. if she's really into you then she'll give you the opportunity to redeem yourself, if not, then you'll have your answer. it sucks I know, but believe me it's all you can do.

[waffle]

2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

3 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

. . .  I think I am super F'd up mentally at this point from past relationships.

 

 

2 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

I am a mess. It's clear. I am depressed. I told myself not to get my hopes up, I did anyhow, and probably sabotaged it already.

I'm so tired of dating, I am tired of failing, I am tired of it all. Honestly, Idk why I am even alive. I don't want to kill myself or anything, but I am so tired of living, feeling like this and I feel trapped and alone.

 

You are not ready to be dating.  Period.  Trying to jump into another relationship is the worst thing you could be doing right now.  For her and yourself.

[SaiKiiAdou]

12 hours ago, waffle said:

You are not ready to be dating.  Period.  Trying to jump into another relationship is the worst thing you could be doing right now.  For her and yourself.

I generally second this.

 

To me it seems you are looking to relationships for something you are not giving yourself, leading to get hung up to a person way too fast (been there done that).

 

I'd also like to add to the sleeping-over thing, being the same age range as you:

I'd not go home to a guy on the third date if I wasn't at least comfortable with the thought of sex. 

However, I feel you overcompensated with your respons (which seems to be a thing for you). I don't think there was a need to explain so much. Just a "no worries if you want to go home" would do.

 

While I don't think you have to stop seeing her, you need to start working on your issues asap (with a therapist!) and slow your roll with her by a lot. 

All the best 🙂

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I think you did you did rather fine. Had two nice dates, had something going on, have third soon etc. Relax and see how it goes.

As an overthinker myself, well, you never know stuff like that until you meet someone better, but, as you said you met her online, I think there is a good chance you are not the only one providing her with dates. Until you both are serious about each other, doubt she doesnt date. In general, again, until it becomes serious, always assume you are probably not the only one. So her getting colder is maybe about that. But again, I would wait for Wednesday and see her behavior then. Also, I dont think you were to forward with wanting her to maybe spend some time at your place. Though I do think that you are maybe too much caught up in texts. No need to "bombard" her every day. Texts are meaningless sometimes, maybe better to just call her if you really want to talk and relly more on what happens on dates then if she answered some text forrmally or was engaging more.

[MissCanuck]

17 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

So you think it would be a bad idea to say "Hey, I was thinking about Wednesday and I do not think asking you to spend the night was a good idea, don't you think? We do not know eachother that well and that was too fast. I really did have good intentions as I only thought of it as a convenient for you to school the next day. I realize that is not a good look and it's a lot so soon as we barely know eachother. I think I just got a little excited and overzealous when we were hanging out" ?

Oh my word, OP. 

STAHP. 

I'm not her, but I am here to tell you: you are talking too much (or would be, if you sent that message) 

Your anxiety and insecurity is jumping off the screen with that. There is no reason to over-explain yourself. Don't fall all over yourself apologizing and back-pedalling.

Just take a deep breath - and stay still. Stop where you are. 

[Batya33]

What is your purpose in dating? Dating is really hard. It requires a very thick skin.  It's stressful and time consuming.  What is your ultimate goal - your real goal not your "should" goal?

[EitherDare0]

I definitely took a step back. She did text me and tell me things were moving kind of fast, but she knows I meant's well and we'd let things cool off a week and try again the following week.

However, I did not hear from her really at all after that.

So I did not say anything to her at all for a week. Then just gave a simple "Hey, how is your first week back in pharmacy school going?" Nothing too crazy, and she responded but still seemed a little distant.

 

Finally I asked if she would in fact like to make plans like she had mentioned. She told me it was a terrible week for her with pharmacy school, exams, other engagements. 

Fortunately for me, I had another opportunity to talk to another girl, and we've gone out a few times and that's going well, so it certainly takes the focus off just this girl.

However, this girl, did text me today and told me "She does not think she wants to reschedule or date anytime soon. She realized being back into pharmacy school, she barely has time to breathe, and although I am an "amazing person" and she had a lot of fun with me, she does not have time or energy to invest in me, or anyone for that matter."

 

So obviously that's a major bummer, but I fully admire her honesty and told her I appreciated her letting me know.

 

I guess for me now it's hard to tell if that is the whole truth, or if it's just a convenient/nice way to say I lost interest or whatever. I suppose I do not have any reason to think she is not being fully honest. I know I know it doesn't matter, she's respectfully told me right now she isn't dating, so I will respect that and leave things alone, but damn I do have to say I cannot stop thinking about this girl. Also, what I did not know, is that she is only 2 months out of a relationship. So I have a feeling that she and I hit it off really well, got really close really quickly, and it sort of scared her. I do not blame her if that's true, 2 months is very fast. Perhaps she should be completely single for awhile, it's likely for the best.

 

The next question for me is do I reach out down the road? We went out twice, had great times, she discontinued with very valid and respectful reasons. I would definitely appreciate seeing her again in the future IF we are both single and available emotionally. I have zero intention of holding out for her, and I know it's plausible she meets someone else at any time. However, I do think it would be harmless if months from now, I reach out and see if she is interesting in me taking her out again. Guess time will tell.

Although if things continue to go this well with this other girl I have been seeing who came out of left field, may not matter lol.

 

But damn, I really liked this girl, and she is on my mind a lot. 

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

The next question for me is do I reach out down the road?

No, I wouldn't. 

She's trying to let you down gently. Waiting for a few months is not likely to change her feelings. 

It's unforunate but she's not feeling it. 

[DancingFool]

Please don't reach out again. Basically, don't poison the well.

What I mean is that if you accept this and walk away, if you were to run into each other naturally, at some later point, you could start up again nicely. However, if you keep trying to pursue and ping her every few months to see if she is available now, you'll just come across as a creep and ensure she never gives you the time of day again. Don't be "that" guy.

Also, if you have a good thing going with this new girl, focus on that because that's real and worth investing into.

[EitherDare0]

16 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Please don't reach out again. Basically, don't poison the well.

What I mean is that if you accept this and walk away, if you were to run into each other naturally, at some later point, you could start up again nicely. However, if you keep trying to pursue and ping her every few months to see if she is available now, you'll just come across as a creep and ensure she never gives you the time of day again. Don't be "that" guy.

Also, if you have a good thing going with this new girl, focus on that because that's real and worth investing into.

I definitely accept it honestly. Not that I want to, but she made it clear. If I was someone she really wanted to see or wants to see, she will. I did tell her if she would be interested, feel free to reach out as I would appreciate seeing her again.

Just doing my best to remind myself not to stress it, I cannot control it, and although we hit it off quickly and well at first, 2 long dates... not much of an investment at all and I am sure I will be over it pretty fast.

Yeah, that's the surprising part. I admit, I only gave this new girl a chance because I did not want to put all my eggs in one basket, but dang am I glad I did. We also have hit it off really well. I am sort of afraid it may not have staying power, but I am enjoying the ride so far.

 

But again damn, the girl the thread is about. Something about her, she has had me since day 1. And honestly it may sound strange, but I have not felt like that about a girl since my last GF. It was refreshing, and honestly at the very least greatly helped me remember my worth and that there is hope for me out here afterall.

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

But again damn, the girl the thread is about. Something about her, she has had me since day 1. And honestly it may sound strange, but I have not felt like that about a girl since my last GF. It was refreshing, and honestly at the very least greatly helped me remember my worth and that there is hope for me out here afterall.

It's great that she made you feel alive and energized again and this actually made me smile. Just keep grounded in that you don't want to place her on this grand pedestal when you don't even know her but for two dates. The myth greater than reality thing. Rather take that energy and sail forward with your new girl and other dates in general and have fun!