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I Am An Overthinker


EitherDare0
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And I know it. I had a painful breakup about 6mos ago. It took a long time to get over and get back out there. I went through the motions and finally, a few weeks ago connected online with a girl who I really liked. At first we started texting a lot. She was very engaged as was I. We agreed to meet up. We went out for brunch, and hit it off so well we spent 6hrs together. We progressed to holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. It was like we knew each other. 
 

We would text here and there for a week, and we went out again this past Tuesday. I took her hiking. We went on a beautiful hike. We had the best time. At the top, overlooking a picturesque view, I surprised her with a small bottle of wine and cheese. She couldn’t stop smiling and blushing. We kissed more and cuddled. Had another great time. 
 

When I was taking her home, she talked about making desert together soon. I said we could do it at my place since I have a good kitchen for it, and she agreed. I offered her to stay the night, as the next day she had to go back to school and I live much closer to her school. I sort of feel like maybe she was unsure about it. So I then clarified I had no intention of trying to sleep with her, I just meant it as a nice gesture to help her out and admitted I’d enjoy cuddling and watching a movie. She seemed fine with that explanation. I didn’t wont press on that. 
 

Our texts seem normal for a day or two after. She texted me on Thanksgiving and seemed engaged and all at first. But sort of tailed off there at the end. I let it go for the night. Yesterday I sent her a few texts and the responses sort of felt compulsory. Like she didn’t want to be rude, and answered. I asked her if she wanted to get food on a whim and she said “I wish I could but I have plans with friends”. To which I said “ah it’s ok, I knew it was a long shot so last minute. I can’t patiently wait til Wednesday 😄”. No response to that. Which seems a little uncharacteristic of how we were talking before. 
 

I know nothing glaringly concerning happened, and maybe I am overthinking. In fact I likely am, but she just seemed to become a little less engaged out of nowhere. So I am giving her a little space. That was yesterday afternoon and I haven’t said anything else to her. I really like her a lot and I really want to pursue this, but I don’t want to scare her off with my insecurity/overthinking. I also don’t want to come across too needy. She told me prior that she didn’t think I was over talking or anything. And she promised to tell me if I did. I think I’m just excited at the prospect of how much we clicked and wanting to see her, but I don’t want to scare her off 

thoughts?
 

 

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Why did you ask her to keep tabs on whether you were over talking?  Why can't you do that on your own?  My sense is maybe you came on a bit strong? Also of course she's dating and looking to date others as she should be so it could be as simple as she met someone she clicked with more. It happens.  It doesn't have to be glaringly concerning.  Many people decide not to pursue further dating after only a few dates -and I think you built up expectations by not meeting for a few weeks -why the delay?  Was someone out of town?

So I'd leave the ball in her court.  You asked her out and she declined and didn't offer a day to reschedule.  See if she does and in the meanwhile keep your options open. I'm sorry you got your hopes up!  (Next time I'd do the dessert thing at another time and not do a sleepover -even with no sex or pressure it's still too much too soon).

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It's possible that she doesn't want to lead you on. It sounds like you did some really nice things, and it seems like she appreciated those things. But she may have sensed that you were aiming for something that she's not aiming for at the moment. I'm just speaking from experience. 

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Thing is I really have no practical reason to think anything is wrong so far. 
 

She was very sweet and messaged me on Thanksgiving. She hasn’t ghosted me or said anything that seems uninterested. She hasn’t cxld any plans. And she’s said before she’s not a big texter. 
 

I have no real reason to think anything is wrong. It’s possible she’s lost interest or I came on too strong of course. But it’s also plausible she just doesn’t feel like texting a lot. Or had a rough few days. 
 

I just plan to give it some space and see if she reaches out soon. Also, see if she keeps the plans for Wednesday. 
 

My mind jumps to these conclusions without any real reason. 

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Oh so you have a plan for next Wednesday? Sorry I missed that.  Then let it be and reach out tuesday or wednesday to confirm.  Watch the feet -what she does -not what she says.  Do not contact her until Tuesday afternoon the earliest and then only briefly to confirm time and place to meet Wednesday.

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22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh so you have a plan for next Wednesday? Sorry I missed that.  Then let it be and reach out tuesday or wednesday to confirm.  Watch the feet -what she does -not what she says.  Do not contact her until Tuesday afternoon the earliest and then only briefly to confirm time and place to meet Wednesday.

Yeah we do have plans. 
 

Based on how things went I definitely do not see lack of interest. Rather, maybe just overdid it a little. The first date being 6hrs but she was easily complicit in that. The second being 8hrs was also easily her as well. She welcomed the timeframe. 
I am a little worried she took the invite to spend the night the wrong way. But she has reacted normally and interested several times after it. 
 

So other than maybe over texting her a little, common sense should tell me I don’t have all too much to be concerned about yet unless she is feeling she overdid it too so soon (wasn’t like I begged her into it)

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Now you see where you’re being too intense. It’s best to take dating her in stride by not setting yourself up for too great of expectations. Instead focus on your work, hobbies and other things and let the texting come as it should. If she’s interested she’ll come to you and won’t ghost. If she isn’t interested you’ll never hear from her at all. 

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9 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

She told me prior that she didn’t think I was over talking or anything. And she promised to tell me if I did.

How did this even come up?

My sense is that your conversations with her are a bit intense, if you were even asking her if you talked to much ot begin with. That already seems a little needy, so just remember not to lead with that.

Let it be for now. She might have cooled off and it might be unrelated to you but other things she has going on. See what the next couple days bring and contact her closer to Wednesday to confirm. If she backs out without offering to reschedule, then I would leave everything here and move along. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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10 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

 I offered her to stay the night, as the next day she had to go back to school and I live much closer to her school. I then clarified I had no intention of trying to sleep with her, I just meant it as a nice gesture to help her out 

She told her friends and family about this "suggestion" and they told her to run.

Especially all the bull about no intention to sleep together and "nice gesture to help her out".

Way too much way to soon.  You tried to land her on date 3. You know it and she knows it.

That's ok. But all the insincere horsechips you wrapped it up in came across as just another creep trying to get laid.

 

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12 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

Yeah we do have plans. 
 

Based on how things went I definitely do not see lack of interest. Rather, maybe just overdid it a little. The first date being 6hrs but she was easily complicit in that. The second being 8hrs was also easily her as well. She welcomed the timeframe. 
I am a little worried she took the invite to spend the night the wrong way. But she has reacted normally and interested several times after it. 
 

So other than maybe over texting her a little, common sense should tell me I don’t have all too much to be concerned about yet unless she is feeling she overdid it too so soon (wasn’t like I begged her into it)

You barely know her.  There is no pattern here, no way to judge other than by her actions -if she accepts a date and shows up, she wants to go on that specific date.  Only assumption you can make.  Less is more in the beginning IMO.

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Asking me to spend the night for the third date would put me off too.

I would be thinking "Oh boy, here we go again, another guy trying to get into my pants".  Even if that wasn't your intention.  I would just think you wrapped it in a prettier package than usual, but still, more of the same old same old.  And we women all know "cuddling" means "I hope you get turned on and want sex".  Even if you didn't mean it that way, it's how I would interpret it.

You can't walk that back, so slow down with the texting and see what she does.  Don't anxiously text her trying to relieve your own anxiety.  You have to back it down.

I agree with just calling to confirm the Wednesday date, tell her you look forward to seeing her and that's it.  Then see how the date goes.

Edited by boltnrun
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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You barely know her.  There is no pattern here, no way to judge other than by her actions -if she accepts a date and shows up, she wants to go on that specific date.  Only assumption you can make.  Less is more in the beginning IMO.

Yes!  This isn't about overthinking, overthinking is a completely different animal.  You (OP) are making the mistake many make, which is conducting yourself as if you're in a relationship as a means to get into that relationship. 

Save the relationship stuff until you're actually IN the relationship.  Same with the "I can't wait patiently til Wednesday."  You're just pressuring her and driving her away.

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In the beginning my realistic mindset was that each date was the last date unless there was a time/place date planned -and then my assumption was that he would show up for that confirmed date. I never looked for signs or patterns.  One date at a time.  Luckily I never texted while dating.  I did not have a cell phone.  I tried to limit instant messaging and emails in the beginning.  I didn't want to get overly attached/unrealistic expectations and it made it so much more fun and exciting to get to know the person -in person and with a phone call maybe once or twice a week in the beginning.  Every day we didn't see each other once we were seriously involved - more or less. 

Getting to know someone is like peeling off layers of a package. And it's risky.  And it means that each date is the last without another date planned so you enjoy the heck out of the date and live your life before and after.  It's hard to do but allows you to keep your options open and make things interesting without game playing.

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18 hours ago, EitherDare0 said:

She texted me on Thanksgiving and seemed engaged and all at first. But sort of tailed off

Typical of people who are spending a holiday engaged with real people in front of them.

I set my phone on charge to be with family and missed a ton of messages--with zero concern about that. I answered them later.

It makes no sense to take the temperature of others through texts. They have a real life going on. They drive, they play, they interact--so let go of the texting and engage your OWN life.

The fastest way to chase someone away is to make them the center of your world. It's not healthy, and healthy people want healthy people.

Head high, and text her on Wednesday to learn whether she's still available to meet.

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9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How did this even come up?

My sense is that your conversations with her are a bit intense, if you were even asking her if you talked to much ot begin with. That already seems a little needy, so just remember not to lead with that.

Let it be for now. She might have cooled off and it might be unrelated to you but other things she has going on. See what the next couple days bring and contact her closer to Wednesday to confirm. If she backs out without offering to reschedule, then I would leave everything here and move along. 

She said "I suck at texting with a frowny face" and I said "No you're fine, I usually do as well, I often forget to respond to texts I read, but so far I think I've done well responding to you. In fact maybe I have inundated you haha" and she said "You're not inundating me, so no worries there!"

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She told her friends and family about this "suggestion" and they told her to run.

Especially all the bull about no intention to sleep together and "nice gesture to help her out".

Way too much way to soon.  You tried to land her on date 3. You know it and she knows it.

That's ok. But all the insincere horsechips you wrapped it up in came across as just another creep trying to get laid.

 

That's BS. Maybe she thought that, fine, but I was not trying to "land" her, You are pretty jaded if you think all men just want to hookup suggesting that's what I was trying to do. 

Perhaps she felt that is what I was trying to do, fine. But I know for a fact I wasn't. I actually want to have a meaningful relationship. She is 29 years old, it's not like I am a college frat bro and she's a young 22 year old innocent college girl that I asked to come Netflix and Chill.

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4 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

She said "I suck at texting with a frowny face" and I said "No you're fine, I usually do as well, I often forget to respond to texts I read, but so far I think I've done well responding to you. In fact maybe I have inundated you haha" and she said "You're not inundating me, so no worries there!"

Oh, please stop the self deprecating humor especially on texts with someone you just started dating.  Less is more.  Less talking about texting behavior too - boorrrrring.

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3 hours ago, waffle said:

Yes!  This isn't about overthinking, overthinking is a completely different animal.  You (OP) are making the mistake many make, which is conducting yourself as if you're in a relationship as a means to get into that relationship. 

Save the relationship stuff until you're actually IN the relationship.  Same with the "I can't wait patiently til Wednesday."  You're just pressuring her and driving her away.

Fair enough. But I said I CAN wait patiently until Wednesday. As in, I am excited we have those plans and I will see her then. So I apologize as I clearly type otherwise above 😞

Fortunately, I did not say "Can't wait" to her....

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3 minutes ago, EitherDare0 said:

Fair enough. But I said I CAN wait patiently until Wednesday. As in, I am excited we have those plans and I will see her then. So I apologize as I clearly type otherwise above 😞

Fortunately, I did not say "Can't wait" to her....

Please stop all the texting with someone you don't know well especially.  There's no tone and easily misunderstood as over the top.  Like the guy I met once at a singles event. Many years ago pre-internet.  We then had one nice date.  Then he called me the next day and referred to me immediately as "honey".  Wayyyyyy too soon as in "how was your day, honey?" Red flag.  Confirmed a few days later that he was wayy too needy and insecure for me despite being cute.  Saw him one more time and realized whatever attraction I thought I'd had died.  

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Asking me to spend the night for the third date would put me off too.

I would be thinking "Oh boy, here we go again, another guy trying to get into my pants".  Even if that wasn't your intention.  I would just think you wrapped it in a prettier package than usual, but still, more of the same old same old.  And we women all know "cuddling" means "I hope you get turned on and want sex".  Even if you didn't mean it that way, it's how I would interpret it.

You can't walk that back, so slow down with the texting and see what she does.  Don't anxiously text her trying to relieve your own anxiety.  You have to back it down.

I agree with just calling to confirm the Wednesday date, tell her you look forward to seeing her and that's it.  Then see how the date goes.

Ughhh. Sucks, we were just having a fun time together and I got a little overzealous. I guess the strange thing is she didn't act like it bothered her in the moment really, or later that day, or the next days. So perhaps it lingered on her. Or perhaps it didn't bother her all that much, but then I was too talkative and come off as needy or something. ***... I hate dating and always having to be on edge.

So you think it would be a bad idea to say "Hey, I was thinking about Wednesday and I do not think asking you to spend the night was a good idea, don't you think? We do not know eachother that well and that was too fast. I really did have good intentions as I only thought of it as a convenient for you to school the next day. I realize that is not a good look and it's a lot so soon as we barely know eachother. I think I just got a little excited and overzealous when we were hanging out" ?

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1 minute ago, EitherDare0 said:

o you think it would be a bad idea to say "Hey, I was thinking about Wednesday and I do not think asking you to spend the night was a good idea, don't you think? We do not know eachother that well and that was too fast. I really did have good intentions as I only thought of it as a convenient for you to school the next day. I realize that is not a good look and it's a lot so soon as we barely know eachother. I think I just got a little excited and overzealous when we were hanging out" ?

Yes very bad idea unless she is a therapist and you hire her.  Easy breezy when you are first dating someone. If she brings it up then yes.  Water under the bridge.  Each date is the last unless there is one more date planned. You have one more date planned.  That is the last date unless you make more plans.  So there's no need to be on edge for just one date.

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Just now, Jibralta said:

The spending the night thing would not have put me off. It would not have made me think you were a creep. Quite the opposite, actually. I would have thought you were being considerate, and I would have appreciated it. Everyone is different.

Same. I had a third or fourth date planned years ago with a guy I knew through friends.  It was New Years Eve.  He told me in advance that he'd like me to spend the night in his second bedroom -no sex/pressure! -because the roads can be unsafe New Years Eve.  I found it thoughtful too and I trusted him in part because we had mutual friends.  I also I think stayed over in similar circumstances once to what the OP described as it was very late, etc.  My mom was not happy to hear I did that (I was still living at home) and we did hook up but yes he was fine about not having sex. He was not a creep either -it was a nice gesture given the safety circumstances about getting home that late.

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