I don't trust my husband

[annie09]

Hi,

I have 3 children with my husband and we have been married for over 10 years.

Over the years he has given me reasons not to trust him. 

He had what I would call an emotional affair with a work colleague. They were texting and talking without my knowledge. When I found out I asked him to stop but he kept doing it behind my back. This was a few years ago and it has sinced stopped.

We don't have a very good sex life. I opened up to him about and explained that it doesn't make me feel wanted. He said he did not know why he didn't have much of a sex drive and even went to a doctor about it.

I soon found out that he was looking at porn a number of times a day. He had a porn addiction. I realised that was why he wasn't interested in me.

My husband has a thing for Asian women and because I am not asian I feel like I am not what he wants.

Basically he makes me feel unwanted and we don't have quality time together. I feel lonely.

I just don't know if it's worth staying married to him if I am not happy.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, annie09 said:

Basically he makes me feel unwanted and we don't have quality time together. I feel lonely.

I just don't know if it's worth staying married to him if I am not happy.

Sorry this is happening. You've spoken to him and he is still stone cold. Whether it's porn or affairs, it's falling apart.

First go to a physician for a complete evaluation of your physical and mental health. Make sure you are frank about your marriage. Request STD testing. Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and to discuss all this.

Do Not Tell your husband about that. Strictly confidential. 

Also privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for your options in the event of a divorce. Do Not Tell your husband. Never threaten divorce. 

Stop talking at him. He's checked out and useless. 

Instead with the information you need and help you get from professionals, gather information and develop a plan for either divorcing or repairing.

What do you mean by "has a thing for asian women"? Are you finding this porn on his devices? Is he going to prositutes?

Check all your credit scores and accounts. Make sure you are aware of any unsual activity.

If, after speaking with an attorney, physician and therapist privately and gathering important information, you want to stay married, suggest marriage therapy advise your husband that his extracurricular activities and shutting you out are unacceptable.  

But wait until you have more support and more facts. In any negotiation, you need leverage. Knowledge is power. If he keeps up this crap, let the attorney rip into him. He won't have time to play with himself and other women when he needs a second job for child support and has to rent a lousy room. 

 

[annie09]

Thanks for your good advise Wiseman2. You have given me alot to think about.

The asian women thing is that the woman from work was asian and the porn he watched was of asian woman only. 

[Jibralta]

From 2014:

Quote

My husband and I met at work. Before getting involved with me he had been involved with about 8 other women at work. While we were engaged I found out he was texting and calling a co worker at least 20 times a day.

Quote

 I guess I haven't left because we have 2 young children. I feel like such a fool.

From 2015:

Quote

I got him to call her back and put it on loudspeaker. When she answered she said "aren't you going to come and talk to me". My husband made out like he didn't know what she was talking about. She then said "are you home? is she home?"

He said "yes and you are on loudspeaker".

I went crazy. I know I need to leave. I have 3 kids under 6 with him.

Come on. What are you still doing there, having even more children with him?????

[annie09]

Fair call Jibralta..😔

[MissCanuck]

Especially in light of everything @Jibraltahas just pointed out, it is well past time to end this marriage. 

It's been over in all but name for years, it seems. 

[Lambert]

You can't change him. You can only change the situation. 

Why have you stayed with through all this?  Serious question.  Do you just feel like you can't do better? Or that it is better than being alone? 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I agree with all other replies.

Why you have let this carry on this long, being so unhappy?

Is time now to be strong and be done!

He's been a very unsupportive , cheating husband to you.

If I had that much knowledge back then, I am sure by this time I would not still be with him.

Look up your legal rights and find a place of your own ( or he leaves).  He pays support & gets visitation.

 

 

[DancingFool]

You knew who you were marrying - a womanizer and a cheater. Yet you still married him and had children with him.

He is living up to who he is. So I'm not sure if you have always been in denial and telling yourself that he will change for you or you thought other benefits you got outweighed the issues but no longer do so now?

At some point you have to make a practical decision where either you do talk to a lawyer and leave him OR you turn a blind eye to his side pieces and enjoy the lifestyle....until one day he discards you. On the latter, you really should also talk to a lawyer and know how to protect yourself against that possibility.

[boltnrun]

Staying together "for the children" is the worst. My parents did that for 15 years.  My siblings and I all have relationship issues and have been divorced, my brother more than once. We didn't have a model of a healthy relationship to observe.

[Cherylyn]

Would both of you consider marriage counseling or making an appointment with a psychologist?  Sometimes having a third professional party allows both husband and wife to explain themselves.  Perhaps give that a try.

[Capricorn3]

5 hours ago, DancingFool said:

You knew who you were marrying - a womanizer and a cheater. Yet you still married him and had children with him.

He is living up to who he is. So I'm not sure if you have always been in denial and telling yourself that he will change for you or you thought other benefits you got outweighed the issues but no longer do so now?

At some point you have to make a practical decision where either you do talk to a lawyer and leave him OR you turn a blind eye to his side pieces and enjoy the lifestyle....until one day he discards you. On the latter, you really should also talk to a lawyer and know how to protect yourself against that possibility.

^ I second this entire post.

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, annie09 said:

Fair call Jibralta..😔

I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but you are in a bit of a mess. You have to wake up, or it will get worse.

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Staying together "for the children" is the worst. My parents did that for 15 years.  My siblings and I all have relationship issues and have been divorced, my brother more than once. We didn't have a model of a healthy relationship to observe.

Same here with my parents.  (Includes economic instability, heavy debts, my late father's smoking, domestic violence and alcoholism.)  My late father mercifully died leaving a young widow with three children to support all by herself.  I started working at a very young age to help financially.  Separation and divorce are rampant on my and my husband's family trees.  

All I knew was misery and pain. 

The only model of healthy relationship to observe was courtesy of my MIL and FIL (mother and father-in-law).  They set the bar so high that it would be difficult to emulate.  Their marriage and family life are filled with love and respect.  This is the norm.  Fortunately, my husband and I have fine examples to follow and our sons, too. 

[HeartGoesOn]

15 hours ago, annie09 said:

He had what I would call an emotional affair with a work colleague. They were texting and talking without my knowledge. When I found out I asked him to stop but he kept doing it behind my back. This was a few years ago and it has sinced stopped.

Looks like it's only a matter of time before he pulls a repeat performance.  With that said, when it gets to the point of having to ask him to stop, the relationship has already gone south, (imo). 

If he has the time to cheat, he has the time to think about it.  At this point what you see is what you get, therefore when will you pull the plug?

[annie09]

After having children I gained alot of weight and my self esteem worsened.

I grew up in a household where my father told us we would not amount to anything and nothing was ever good enough for him.

 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, annie09 said:

After having children I gained alot of weight and my self esteem worsened.

That's ok. And. That's why you need to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Start there. As well as the attorney and therapist. Start now to improve your health and fitness. 

Staying stuck out of insecurities and fear of dating again will just make things worse.

His infidelities and proclivities are not your fault or responsibility.

 

 

[Cherylyn]

18 hours ago, annie09 said:

After having children I gained a lot of weight and my self esteem worsened.

I grew up in a household where my father told us we would not amount to anything and nothing was ever good enough for him.

 

When your physical health is better, your self esteem will improve, you'll think with clarity and it will give you the power of positive thinking no matter what you do daily and in the future.  Please start by eating healthy, making wise food choices and taking walks.  Take baby steps. 

I remember a visiting uncle who told my mom that her children including me wouldn't amount to much.  That really stung badly and I had never forgotten.  For a while I actually grew to believe him and brainwashed myself into thinking he was right.  I eventually became my own person and did something with my life.  He has a bad life now.  What goes around comes around. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I hope life improves for you.