My wife is my roommate

[Soccoach]

My first wife died of cancer in 2004. I met and married a Filipina and we were married in 2005. Shortly after our marriage she went through menopause. The second time I went through that! On the other side of menopause, she lost ALL interest in being intimate. She is very cold to any kind of affection. We are good friends and we enjoy a lot of things. Recently she moved to another bedroom because I asked her to stop using her i-pad in bed when I need to sleep. I start work at 5:00 am.
Now we are just like roommates without benefits.
I have not strayed and I do not view pornography, but it has become very hard to remain celibate  when it's not my choice. Fifteen years of this is getting old.

Any recommendations?

[DancingFool]

I think you already know the answer - divorce.

She can't fix her lack of a sex drive and you should not live a celibate life. Marriage is more than just being friends and having fun doing stuff together. Friendship is one part of the marriage, but the other critical part is intimacy.

On a side note, being cold when it comes to affection is more of a personality trait rather than menopause. Also, most women in your age bracket tend to have an increased sex drive rather than decreased. In other words, rather than trying to blame menopause consider that you married the wrong person to begin with. 

It seems like you were in a rush to plug the void your previous wife left behind and didn't take your time at all to get to know who you were marrying. If your wife passed away in 2004 and you married again in 2005, unless you were cheating on your ill wife, then you married a practical stranger and you are now living with the consequences of that.

Time to put an end to that and also, don't jump into another marriage like your life is on fire. Date, get to know someone for at least a couple of years before you even think about marriage. Be sure you actually know who the person is and what they are really like. 

[Seraphim]

I don’t know. Menopause sure didn’t increase my sex drive. It made it completely ZERO. Before that I was a car engine always ready to go. After menopause zip nada, couldn’t care less. However , I am very affectionate with my husband by nature . 

[boltnrun]

I've gone through menopause and it didn't decrease my sex drive. I still would like to have sex daily. My problem is I don't have a partner and I won't do ONS.

Have you explained to your wife that you are craving intimacy and affection, not just sex?

[Kwothe28]

I would maybe ask something unusual but you mentioned nationality so...

Is it a green card marriage? I dont mean like arranged, but did you brought her to your country to work or just to be housewife?

Because, if it is, it would explain sudden disinterest in sex or any affection, somehow coincidently right after the marriage came through. 

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

I think you already know the answer - divorce.

She can't fix her lack of a sex drive and you should not live a celibate life. Marriage is more than just being friends and having fun doing stuff together. Friendship is one part of the marriage, but the other critical part is intimacy.

On a side note, being cold when it comes to affection is more of a personality trait rather than menopause. Also, most women in your age bracket tend to have an increased sex drive rather than decreased. In other words, rather than trying to blame menopause consider that you married the wrong person to begin with. 

It seems like you were in a rush to plug the void your previous wife left behind and didn't take your time at all to get to know who you were marrying. If your wife passed away in 2004 and you married again in 2005, unless you were cheating on your ill wife, then you married a practical stranger and you are now living with the consequences of that.

Time to put an end to that and also, don't jump into another marriage like your life is on fire. Date, get to know someone for at least a couple of years before you even think about marriage. Be sure you actually know who the person is and what they are really like. 

This is spot on.  I don't know what kind of recommendations you are looking for.... if she's not interested and its been this long,  I think the writing is on the wall. 

Also-  are you a woman or gynecologist?  Then please stop commenting on menopause. It's super annoying and offensive to have men throw out blanket statements and make jokes about something they have zero experience with... female bodies go through cycles that make it possible to produce life. Sorry you had to stand by while someone else actually coped with the effects.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Is it a green card marriage?  did you brought her to your country to work or just to be housewife?

This crossed my mind as well. Is there an advantage to staying  married? You could carry on as roommates, you could ask for an open relationship or you could quietly consult an attorney and discuss your options in divorce.

[Rose Mosse]

4 hours ago, Soccoach said:

She is very cold to any kind of affection. We are good friends and we enjoy a lot of things.

What things do you enjoy? Do you ever flirt with her or ask her what she likes?

What do you do to show that you're interested in her as a person? 

[lostandhurt]

15 years of this and you are just now getting fed up?  I don't think we are getting the whole story here.

How about some more details.  Seems to me you are leaving out all kinds of details...

Lost

[catfeeder]

What is it that you WANT to do?

I'm sure something has occurred to you by now...

[smackie9]

There is a light hormone vaginal cream that can be prescribed. It will take the edge off the symptoms of menopause, and bring back some of the tingle down there, helps with vaginal pain during sex. It's easy to use, she can control the dosage, sometimes only needing it once or twice a month.

[waffle]

On 10/21/2021 at 4:19 PM, Lambert said:

. . . are you a woman or gynecologist?  Then please stop commenting on menopause. It's super annoying and offensive to have men throw out blanket statements and make jokes about something they have zero experience with... 

 

This 100%. 

In this situation, all blaming "menopause" does is give one an easy out and a good excuse to shift the focus and not look for the real problem.