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creepy and toxic coworker


cgracie
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hi this isn’t exactly relationship advice but i don't know where else to post this and don’t know what else to do. so i work at a country club and a few weeks ago a new banquet captain was hired. and over the short amount of time he’s been here he’s put his hands on multiple of the women employees (some underage, including myself). usually he’ll touch or grab our waists or just our backs, he’s put his hands on my face before too. it makes us all feel really uncomfortable and multiple of us have told him to stop before, which he hasn’t. he also calls us all sweetheart, baby, cutie, etc. he’s also straight up told me i was cute before and told me i was being seductive to him when i told him to “come here” in the most normal way possible. i’m 16, he’s 30. this is just everything that has happened to me so far and i couldn’t even tell you all the things he’s said or done to the other girls in the workplace, some as young as 15. but, what my main concern and breaking point really is is that he said racist things to one of the black employees, calling him a “colored person”. i only found this out today but apparently this took place only a few days after this guy started. this is everything that has happened in a matter of about 3 weeks and i’ve gotten to the point where i don’t want to work with him anymore because he disgusts me in every way possible and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to be around. i like my job and all of my other coworkers besides him so i don’t want to quit but i don’t know what to do. do i try reporting him to the general manager? what do i even say and how do i put it into words? i just want him out of this place because its making my job an uncomfortable environment, and not just for me. i don’t know if they would be hesitant to fire him since he is the banquet captain.

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Definitely talk to the manager.  you do not have to tolerate this BS.  Maybe talk to the other employees and see if anyone wants to go with you.  No one is allowed to touch you or say those sexist things.  Nor is he allowed to be a racist.  

Everyone has to stand up to these people in order for them to learn their behavior is unacceptable.  

It would be illegal in the USA (not sure where you are located) for you to be reprimanded for complaining.  So if he or anyone threatens your job, they are not allowed to do that.  

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2 hours ago, cgracie said:

do i try reporting him to the general manager? what do i even say and how do i put it into words? i just want him out of this place because its making my job an uncomfortable environment, and not just for me. i don’t know if they would be hesitant to fire him since he is the banquet captain.

Report it but be prepared to quit anyway and find another job. It's unlikely he'll be fired on the spot as they need to build a case and a history of complaints against him. Avoid being anywhere alone with this person and if you know another colleague well agree to pair up or watch out for each other especially during early or later shifts. Keep a record of dates and times when he has been inappropriate and report those. 

Keep in mind also the possibility that he knows management. His brazen and womanizing behaviour screams entitlement. Stay safe and watch out for each other. Tell an adult or parent what is happening also. Quit if you feel your safety is at risk.

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tell your parents or a trusted adult.

Is this the same man?

 

no its not, that was a lifeguard over the summer around my age. he never showed interest so i didn’t say anything else to him and we remained friends over the rest of the pool season. 

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Report him and document.  I wouldn’t ask others to join you.  You do you. Focus on what he has done to you and  in your presence.  No rumors or second hand. You don’t want to risk others exaggerating and you giving the impression you agree with their version of events. What you saw and experienced is more than enough.  And yes I know you like the job but it’s only going to get worse and he won’t give you a good reference or help you in the future since he’s not behaving in any professional manner.  I’m really sorry this is happening to you. 

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There is strength in numbers when dealing with management. You should definitely talk with your coworkers and see how they feel. I spent over 30 years being the boss so I know how upper management thinks and when faced with several complaints from the workforce they are compelled to do something whether they want to or not.

Privately talk with your coworkers and see if they feel the same way as you do and if so then each of you should decide on your own to approach your Human Resources officer and file a formal complaint against the banquet manager.  You are young and I know this is very hard to go against someone that has been put in a position of authority over you but you need to know you are not alone.  Talking to your parents is also a good idea so you know they support you as well. 

So far you and others have done everything correctly.  You informed him clearly that his words and physical interactions are unwanted and yet he continues. Your next step is H.R. or what ever you have at your work.  By law in the states HR is required to investigate fully when these complaints are filed.

You shouldn't have to quit to get away from someone like this and he needs to be stopped either way as guys like this don't stop until made to or fired. 

Be brave and stand up for yourself.  I know it seems scary but once you get going a lot of that goes away. 

Think of it this way. Which do you think they would rather lose, all of the serving staff or one manager?

  Lost

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I think she should encourage her coworkers to report and otherwise stay out of it because everyone will have their own individual circumstances and stories.  That way there will be multiple complaints and hers won't be lumped in with anyone elses.  For all she knows another coworker might have other connections to this new boss or personal reasons to report inaccurately, etc.  And she may get in trouble for "gossiping" about the boss if certain things are said when she's chatting.  And there may be rules against taking breaks when there are no breaks -while they're chatting they're not working.  These are not high level positions.  

Edited by Batya33
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Sooner or later his luck will run out, and he'll mess with the wrong person. This is not meant to minimize your encounter with him.

At any rate, I agree with others as to documenting his antics as they happen, and hopefully others will participate.  Oh course, if it gets to be too much, no one would blame you for leaving.

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Is like a form of Workplace harassment.

He should be touching no one!  Very unprofessional and lack of respect & this will cause trouble for him.

Yup, make note of the occurences and if possible, get others to also assist in this.. he does not deserve to be there, acting like this.

 

 

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How is the culture there in general? Are others up the chain respectful and good to staff? Are there things happening regularly in the club that are unusual, things you are asked without outright asked to just pretend aren't happening? 

Over the years, I did little seasonal stints at various private playgrounds for those with affluence. Golf courses, yacht club, lodges. Some of them are straight up zoos where there is a culture very much driven by money and connections. My first thought is this guy may be connected to someone at the club in some way and may be protected by them. Do you know if he is? 

You can report, but be prepared for nothing to get done. Just my experience here, that those clubs hiring a bunch of underage girls are not usually the ones concerned about keeping staff, but rather happy for the ease of disposable workers who aren't familiar with workplace particulars. Those who were more professional, again in my experience, tended to hiring more seasoned workers. 

 

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It depends on management how this will go but report anyway and be prepared to leave. At your age too I was sexually harassed at work and many times over time at almost every work place. We need to take this crap down. Me and a group of employees had one manager removed for extreme harassment and uttering threats against me while I was pregnant. Even customers called to complain. The owner literally had zero choice.

Dont stand for this , ever. 

Edited by Seraphim
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I agree with others regarding reporting him to management.  Explain just as you had written here.

If you happen to witness his harassing behavior towards others physically, verbally or both, I would secretly videotape him for your records so you can show this creep in action to management. 

I agree with others.  Don't consider your current job as your long term employment. 

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18 hours ago, cgracie said:

 i’m 16, he’s 30. 

Since you're a minor, talk to your parents. Most of all, just quit this job. If you rally up a posse, start videotaping etc., you will have to go through your parents anyway since you are a minor. Your parents need to advise you.

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