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Feeling Conflicted About Next Steps in Relationship


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Just now, moodindigo91 said:

Yes. I haven't asked him directly if he still wants marriage yet, but I did ask him and continually ask him how he plans to make money and what he wants to do with his life. His focus is on crypto trading right now. I was going to ask about marriage after I finished school and took the Bar. I do agree that I feel like I deserve to know these things.

Why were you going to wait that long particularly since you see how he is behaving?

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why were you going to wait that long particularly since you see how he is behaving?

Hm. I think we had the fight after the wedding. That is the first time I really started looking at the viability of our relationship. Until then, I was happy and thought we were still on track for marriage. After that, we decided the main issue was his lack of direction. So he's been working on that in many ways. We had already paid for our Greece trip so we went on that and I thought it might change some things (also thought there was a slim chance of a proposal). When we came back, I had school like the very next day. At this point I'm afraid I will diminish my chances of passing the Bar in Feb if I need to change my whole life around again. And, as I said, I'm unsure what he wants. I at least want to hear from him directly he's not wanting marriage anymore. So idk. I honestly dk what to do now lol 

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3 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Hm. I think we had the fight after the wedding. That is the first time I really started looking at the viability of our relationship. Until then, I was happy and thought we were still on track for marriage. After that, we decided the main issue was his lack of direction. So he's been working on that in many ways. We had already paid for our Greece trip so we went on that and I thought it might change some things (also thought there was a slim chance of a proposal). When we came back, I had school like the very next day. At this point I'm afraid I will diminish my chances of passing the Bar in Feb if I need to change my whole life around again. And, as I said, I'm unsure what he wants. I at least want to hear from him directly he's not wanting marriage anymore. So idk. I honestly dk what to do now lol 

I mean you've known for a very very long time how he is about his finances and work ethic.  How is he "working on" his lack of direction?  What direction is he taking now? What are the results? What are his specific large and small goals and how does he plan to meet them?  Without specific concrete actions that respond to those questions in my personal opinion there is no "working" going on.  There's no trying in this case, just doing.  Or not doing (which is what he is doing now, nothing).  For example, can you "try" to study for the bar?  Or do you study? Do you "try" to make a plan as to how you are going to study, when and what areas to particularly focus on or do you DO it?

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11 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

I at least want to hear from him directly he's not wanting marriage anymore. So idk. I honestly dk what to do now

Yes you do know full well what to do!

What difference does it make whether he wants marriage "any more"?!  Supposing he were to propose tomorrow, would you marry him?  I have a dreadful feeling you probably would.  You seem completely blind to the fact that your life would be ruined, shackled to an idle freeloader, an aimless drifter, with no care for anyone but himself.  He has no dignity or self-respect.

What about you? Could you/would you respect yourself if you took on this load of lead?

 

 

 

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How is he "working on" his lack of direction? Is he going to school to learn a trade or profession? Is he sending out resumes? Applying for jobs? 

From what you wrote, he's hoping his crypto currency thing pans out while having his dad support him and getting expensive tattoos (paid for by whom?)

YOU are working on a solid future. It doesn't appear HE is.

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1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Yes you do know full well what to do!

What difference does it make whether he wants marriage "any more"?!  Supposing he were to propose tomorrow, would you marry him?  I have a dreadful feeling you probably would.  You seem completely blind to the fact that your life would be ruined, shackled to an idle freeloader, an aimless drifter, with no care for anyone but himself.  He has no dignity or self-respect.

What about you? Could you/would you respect yourself if you took on this load of lead?

 

 

 

I have been asking myself this and I think my answer would be no right now because I feel like a family and a stable life is out of the question. This is kind of what prompted me to post here. A lot of my friends love him and us together so it's hard to get good opinions. 

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56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How is he "working on" his lack of direction? Is he going to school to learn a trade or profession? Is he sending out resumes? Applying for jobs? 

From what you wrote, he's hoping his crypto currency thing pans out while having his dad support him and getting expensive tattoos (paid for by whom?)

YOU are working on a solid future. It doesn't appear HE is.

He has applied to jobs with crypto companies. He interviewed for one and seems like he is banking on getting this job but I have told him to apply for others. Other than that, he basically said he isn't focusing on real estate at all and he is also focusing on his company he has with his friend. None of this is really solid to me. Also, he thinks he can make enough money maybe trading crypto or cashing in assets to pay for his tattoo. 🙄

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6 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

He has applied to jobs with crypto companies. He interviewed for one and seems like he is banking on getting this job but I have told him to apply for others. Other than that, he basically said he isn't focusing on real estate at all and he is also focusing on his company he has with his friend. None of this is really solid to me. Also, he thinks he can make enough money maybe trading crypto or cashing in assets to pay for his tattoo. 🙄

So he would risk being financially insecure in the future just so he can get a tattoo? How is the tattoo going to help support himself? 

What if you two get married and the mortgage is due but he decides he wants a tattoo on the other arm? Or he wants a sports car or a motorcycle or a boat? Will he borrow against the house to buy more toys for himself?

Do you want to be engaged and married badly enough to risk your future like this? 

Being married is more than just being able to say you're married. This is your life and future, not a romantic movie.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So he would risk being financially insecure in the future just so he can get a tattoo? How is the tattoo going to help support himself? 

What if you two get married and the mortgage is due but he decides he wants a tattoo on the other arm? Or he wants a sports car or a motorcycle or a boat? Will he borrow against the house to buy more toys for himself?

Do you want to be engaged and married badly enough to risk your future like this? 

Being married is more than just being able to say you're married. This is your life and future, not a romantic movie.

Yes I understand this all. I want to be married so I can have a stable, loving relationship with a man who would be a good father to my children and a good counterpart to myself. For a while, he was that man to me. I guess it's only recently that the honeymoon phase has lifted and I've been confronted with these realities and so I came here to post about it. I have received confirmation at the very least that my worries are valid, which makes me feel more steadfast. 

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1 minute ago, moodindigo91 said:

Yes I understand this all. I want to be married so I can have a stable, loving relationship with a man who would be a good father to my children and a good counterpart to myself. For a while, he was that man to me. I guess it's only recently that the honeymoon phase has lifted and I've been confronted with these realities and so I came here to post about it. I have received confirmation at the very least that my worries are valid, which makes me feel more steadfast. 

I'm sure there are a lot of stable, hard working men who would be delighted to have a woman like you as their wife. You don't have to settle for an overgrown daddy's boy who won't just go out and get a job like most 30 plus year old men.

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40 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

He has applied to jobs with crypto companies. He interviewed for one and seems like he is banking on getting this job but I have told him to apply for others. Other than that, he basically said he isn't focusing on real estate at all and he is also focusing on his company he has with his friend. None of this is really solid to me. Also, he thinks he can make enough money maybe trading crypto or cashing in assets to pay for his tattoo. 🙄

So it’s all over if you’ve told him to apply to others. If you really thought he was working on it you wouldn’t have to tell him this like his mommy. This is not him working on it. He’s pursuing scammy shady risky businesses while his mom tells him what to do.  
do your friends also love your fertility and love how you want marriage and family ? Do they have savings set aside for you so that you can provide for your family ?

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1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

A lot of my friends love him and us together so it's hard to get good opinions. 

Well you sure are getting good opinions here! And the hard facts of the matter are the hard facts. 

What your friends might love isn't going to bring home the bacon!  Your friends (if they are aware of the underlying miserable problem) don't seem to have much discernment. 

I echo Bolt's remark:

"I'm sure there are a lot of stable, hard working men who would be delighted to have a woman like you as their wife."

Edited by LaHermes
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5 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

When we came back, I had school like the very next day. At this point I'm afraid I will diminish my chances of passing the Bar in Feb if I need to change my whole life around again

I'd like to add... You seem very self centered. No wonder you couldn't tell if he was being paid from his father. He could have been a drug dealer and you would have missed it.

Everything has to go according to your plan! No matter what. You really took this guy for granted, and vice versa.

There's no love here. Accept and move along. Nothing will happen to your bar if you stay focused/re-adjust.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'd like to add... You seem very self centered. No wonder you couldn't tell if he was being paid from his father. He could have been a drug dealer and you would have missed it.

Everything has to go according to your plan! No matter what. You really took this guy for granted, and vice versa.

There's no love here. Accept and move along. Nothing will happen to your bar if you stay focused/re-adjust.

I have to respectfully disagree. She's in law school studying for the bar. I can imagine it would be difficult to focus on much else when you're studying that intensely.

I just think it's basic incompatibility.  She wants a solid man with a solid job who is ready to be a husband and father relatively soon-ish. And the boyfriend wants to live on the edge with his father footing the bill while he travels and gets tattoos.

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On 9/20/2021 at 10:58 AM, moodindigo91 said:

 So how is it that I'm supposed to find a good man if they all seem to pretend to be something other than what they are! 

"He hasn't had like a regular job since I've known him. He works for a company his friend started from home. When we first met, he was very productive and working very hard on it. COVID hit, and things slowed down. He stopped working as hard. He has been all over the place as to what it is he wants to do for a career. I never really asked about money, because he always pays his half of the bills. I kind of figured, we're not married so Idc where his money comes from as long as he pays the bills. Anyway, I always kind of suspected his dad foots his bills, and come to find out, that's true"

I wanted to point out that he didn't misrepresent himself and you were aware to a large degree what you signed up for very early on.  It's imperative that you acknowledge your part in this in order to learn from it.   

It's not that you can't find a good man.  You tend to see only that parts you want to in this man and put blinders on to the rest.  Now, you've invested a good deal of your valuable time into this and are in pickle on what to do.

There are good men out there.  You just need to chose wiser, pay closer attention and not turn a blind eye to deal breaker issues.  Had you not invested two years into this, that would have been two years of shopping around and choosing a life partner wisely.

I personally think the whole idea about living abroad is him moving the goal posts so you can't have the life with him you hoped for.   He knows you can't go.  That's why he tossed a road block into the mix.  Doesn't mean he doesn't care.  Things are just getting really real for him and he's not mature enough to handle it.  He dependent on his father.  He can't possibly commit to a ambitious wife, cut his strings from Daddy and be the man to stand beside you.  

It's a shame.   There is a saying "that doing too much for your children is a form of abuse"  As you can see in this case, it cripples a grown man who should otherwise know how to take care of himself.  And a consequence of Daddy's misguided assistance is he'll likely lose a loving, quality woman.

Edited by reinventmyself
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3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'd like to add... You seem very self centered. No wonder you couldn't tell if he was being paid from his father. He could have been a drug dealer and you would have missed it.

Everything has to go according to your plan! No matter what. You really took this guy for granted, and vice versa.

LOL yes excuse me for taking time to build a solid career and foundation for myself at age 30 😂 is it really self centered to want a man that I love to get his *** together and propose so you can have children? if so then 95% of the world is self centered. 

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11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She wants a solid man with a solid job who is ready to be a husband and father relatively soon-ish. And the boyfriend wants to live on the edge with his father footing the bill while he travels and gets tattoos.

Here we have the heart of the matter. 

The current "BF" is never going to be solid, hard-working, centred, grounded or anything else.

You said, and I repeat:

"A lot of my friends love him and us together so it's hard to get good opinions. 

Your friends say what they want to say, what suits them to say and all that. What is important here is your choice now, going forward, and that you clear your vision so that you can see him for what he is. 

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One last comment. Personally I would not spend any more time with this guy unless you really directly ask him "Will you get a job or prpose to me NOW?" If the answer is anything but yes, my advice would be to walk away from this relationship. Two years is a long time. Don't let it turn into ten years. Your 30's go by fast and every minute with the wrong person is a minute very wasted.

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9 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

want a man that I love to get his *** together and propose so you can have children? 

Nothing wrong with your goals, however this is not a man who shares those goals. He prefers an off the cuff, freestyle, hedonistic lifestyle. Right now his family finances these pursuits.

Think carefully if you want to support him and not have a mature deserving involved partner.

While his lifestyle is a counterpoint to your staid and traditional choices, he is not the type of man who you can rely on or who wishes any responsibilities beyond globetrotting, tattoos and get rich quick schemes.

 

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28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

this is not a man who shares those goals. He prefers an off the cuff, freestyle, hedonistic lifestyle. Right now his family finances these pursuits.

Think carefully if you want to support him and not have a mature deserving involved partner.

Fully agree Wise.

I am still somewhat puzzled as to why this fixation on seeing whether he will propose or not. That is wholly beside the point.  What woman in her right mind would WANT this individual.

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I've used this analogy here several times.

Ask yourself if this is someone you would go into business with?  Because when all the warm feelings are set aside, getting married, running a home and raising a family is very much like running a business. It requires both parties to pull their weight, compromise and negotiate.

He may be a nice guy but not a good choice in a business/marraige partner.  He fits half the equation, not the other. 

Making a choice in a life partner requires you to not just let your heart lead you, but a combination of evaluating this decision both logically and emotionally.  It's ok to love someone and at the same time recognize they are not a good fit for you.

Edited by reinventmyself
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1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

I've used this analogy here several times.

Ask yourself if this is someone you would go into business with?  Because when all the warm feelings are set aside, getting married, running a home and raising a family is very much like running a business. It requires both parties to pull their weight, compromise and negotiate.

He may be a nice guy but not a good choice in a business/marraige partner.  He fits half the equation, not the other. 

Making a choice in a life partner requires you to not just let your heart lead you, but a combination of evaluating this decision both logically and emotionally.  It's ok to love someone and at the same time recognize they are not a good fit for you.

Yes, and that's why when you divorce you file an actual lawsuit in court. You don't just write a Dear John/Jane letter. It is in fact a legal contract.

I'm sure he's a lot of fun and that's why your friends like him. But fun doesn't pay the bills or keep a household running. If you two plan to remain child free and live as digital nomads it could possibly work. But forget about having an actual home and a family.

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