Feeling Conflicted About Next Steps in Relationship

[reinventmyself]

Sometime ago I met a man online and we dated for about 6 weeks.  One evening after I got home from our date I got a phone call from him and he shared with me he "wasn't feelin' it"   I'd be lying if it didn't sting a little, but never the less I got busy with my life and busy with putting it behind me.

Weeks later he wanted to talk.  He showed up at my home with flowers telling me he missed me and the time apart taught him he really did have feelings for me.   I did not see this coming and one might think I'd be flattered.  But instead I asked him "So let me get this straight.  While dating me you weren't sure or at least sure enough to end it.  But  in my absence you've now developed feelings for me??"   "Besides you were willing to lose me"    It just didn't add up.  I told him no thank you and continued moving on.

I am suspicious of anyone who needs time away in order to feel that pull towards someone, when they can candidly tell you they aren't feelin' it while in your presence.

[Andrina]

Subconsciously, if we are missing a healthy part of ourselves, we seek what we're missing in a partner. Subconsciously, you mistook his childishness as delightful childlike behavior. You work so hard, you likely regularly lack fun time for yourself, so you were drawn to someone who bathes in it and doesn't seem to have a care in the world. And even as you say he seemed like a together person career-wise, if you really thought about it, I'm sure there were red flags you pooh-poohed away.

And he in turn, because he's missing adult-like responsible behaviors, gravitated toward you because he saw in you what he's missing.

You can read about this subject about Transactional Analysis in articles, and there is a book by Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships

These relationships where each person is missing major, important traits never work.

Be alone and work on yourself. When you finish with the bar exam, bring more fun and leisure time into your life to fulfill the area where you fell short. Only then will you attract, and be attracted to, other people who have the right balance in all the major areas of their life.

[Batya33]

On 9/25/2021 at 2:18 PM, reinventmyself said:

Sometime ago I met a man online and we dated for about 6 weeks.  One evening after I got home from our date I got a phone call from him and he shared with me he "wasn't feelin' it"   I'd be lying if it didn't sting a little, but never the less I got busy with my life and busy with putting it behind me.

Weeks later he wanted to talk.  He showed up at my home with flowers telling me he missed me and the time apart taught him he really did have feelings for me.   I did not see this coming and one might think I'd be flattered.  But instead I asked him "So let me get this straight.  While dating me you weren't sure or at least sure enough to end it.  But  in my absence you've now developed feelings for me??"   "Besides you were willing to lose me"    It just didn't add up.  I told him no thank you and continued moving on.

I am suspicious of anyone who needs time away in order to feel that pull towards someone, when they can candidly tell you they aren't feelin' it while in your presence.

I agree.  Sometimes if a person is in a bad life situation they need the space to get over that and then reach out.  Like caring for elderly parents as the primary caregiver, other very stressful life situations - where the person mistakenly thought she could get involved and realizes she cannot  but the space isn't about "not feeling it" it's about "can't feel it right now/too much going on"

[Honeycomb8]

He's a literal deadweight and bum. Get this manchild out of your life -_-.

5 years in the future you'll be in the same position. Unless you want to be a sugar momma, I suggest ending things. You are an intelligent, hardworking woman that deserves to a man who is an equal, NOT this.

At the same age, my father was supporting his family and doing really well in his engineering career. My mum contributed a lot as well- it's really important to find someone who's worthy of you.