Partner has said he is more attracted to other people - what do I do?

[Lambert]

OP,

I'm sorry but you are NEVER going to resolve your own issues while with this person. 

Did you ever see that meme that basically says, before you decide you are depressed, first make sure you are not surrounded by a holes.

This guy is in fact an a hole.

I would not tolerate his first statement about being attracted to others.  That is not respect in a romantic relationship at all. it would be hurtful to anyone.

To then further add insult to injury. He simply won't allow you to feel the way you feel. Accept his part in harming you AND blames you.

If you stay with this man, you have to know this is what you are going to continue to get.

[waffle]

16 hours ago, natalie123 said:

. . . as a result of this, he finds himself more 'mentally attracted' to other people. He has also admitted he is more 'physically attracted' to other people too. 

What exactly does he want you to do about this?  Does he want you to become "more attractive" for him?  I guess I don't understand the point of him telling you that.  Oh wait, yes I do.  Like others have said, he is doing it to deliberately hurt you.  This is someone you want in your life?

Here's what I think.  I think he's laying the groundwork for cheating, and then if/when he does, he will blame you because you're not "attractive enough."  I have a friend this happened to.  Gave himself permission to openly cheat because he "wasn't attracted."  It took her a while to finally see what he was doing to her but finally she saw the light and dumped his loser @$$.  She wasted many years with him though because she was "in love."  Yeah.

[Capricorn3]

10 hours ago, natalie123 said:

Yes it is unfortunately. It is my own fault.

I honestly don't know how to cope anymore. I have since been diagnosed with depression and think this relationship has a great deal to play in that.  

He has called me a 'psycho' for trying to speak to him about it today. He says he is sick of hearing about it.  Im just exhausted.

Sadly this is yet another case (we see more and more of this almost on a daily basis) where people are in a dysfunctional relationship where the writing has been on the wall for years and yet the OP continues to choose to stay. They ask for help/advice for years, get huge responses with very helpful and constructive advice, yet will find every excuse in the book as to why they won't or can't leave. It all boils down to 'can't means don't want to'. And then in the same breath keep saying "I don't know what to do". 

OP, you've posted about this same guy in 2018 and even then the advice was you need to leave. Yet here you are, still with him.  You say you don't know how to cope, you now have depression, are seeing a therapist, you are exhausted by it all ....BUT you insist on staying. OP, all of that is on you. You had the choice to leave in 2018 but didn't.  As you can see nothing has changed and it's even worse....BUT, you still stay.  Again, that's on you.

At this point the only one who can help you, is YOU. Two choices:  1) Stay with him and be miserable, depressed and exhausted by it all and have the life sucked out of you and live a life of therapy, OR  2)  Leave and use the time to work on yourself so that you can be in a mentally healthier place for a future relationship. Build a decent wholesome life for yourself, hold your head up high, get your self-respect back.  Choice is yours.

[DarkCh0c0]

Natalie, I suggest you try https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ it's a quiz to fill and it'll help you see more objectively where your relationship is now.

[poorlittlefish]

I would be concerned that by saying there are "other people" he's more attracted to, he actually has someone specific in mind.  He could well be trying to get you to make his life easier by getting you to break up with him.  That way he's free to carry on messing about with this other person/people and the decision was on you.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, waffle said:

. I think he's laying the groundwork for cheating, and then if/when he does, he will blame you because you're not "attractive enough." 

Agree. If you can stick your head in the sand about abuse, you can deny this is happening also.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, poorlittlefish said:

I would be concerned that by saying there are "other people" he's more attracted to, he actually has someone specific in mind. 

I would put money on that. 

My assumption is that he likes someone else and has been stacking up OP against her, and is dropping not-so-subtle warning signs that he’s going to step out with her. He possibly already has.

[sadchick83]

OK, I originally signed up for ENA 10+ years ago for a guy who disappeared on his birthday long weekend.  When he finally finished up partying alone I had changed the locks on my house. I came to ENA asking if it was the right thing to do.

The similarities are this:  I also went to therapy to try to work things out with a therapist who also suggested CBT. She also suggested I try harder in the relationship and perhaps bring him lunch to his construction site.  Sorry, but some of these therapists are completely out to lunch with their suggestions.  In hindsight getting rid of him was the right thing to do.

He was also a mean gas lighter who ended up being a cheater.  

Nothing you do on your end with therapy, CBT, etc. will fix him/ this situation.  Only you can fix this by leaving.

Life is short.  Choose to be with someone who is delighted to see you, or even be alone for a while.  Spend time with family or get a dog.  The more time you waste with this guy the great damage you will do to your mental health and self esteem. And, the damage can be irreparable the longer you let the abuse continue.

[LaHermes]

11 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Sadly this is yet another case (we see more and more of this almost on a daily basis) where people are in a dysfunctional relationship where the writing has been on the wall for years and yet the OP continues to choose to stay. They ask for help/advice for years, get huge responses with very helpful and constructive advice, yet will find every excuse in the book as to why they won't or can't leave. It all boils down to 'can't means don't want to'. And then in the same breath keep saying "I don't know what to do". 

You are so right, Capri.  At times it is puzzling to those of us who can see so clearly.  For sure "the source of the pain is definitely not the cure for the pain". Yet the enmeshed and abused person refuses to see that.

It can be disheartening to see so many posters give excellent advice (and time) and yet the person seeking the advice will not engage. 

[catfeeder]

The most important questions I stop and ask myself whenever someone drops a message on me that I view as hurtful are, "What is the motive behind telling me this? What am I supposed to DO with this information?"

These are also the first questions I ask that person directly.

When I can work these answers through to see that the message CAN be constructive rather than hurtful, I can credit the motivations as helpful, and I'm a step closer to learning how to accept criticism from the right place.

Does this translate to your case? Unfortunately, no. Your partner's motive is to knock your vision of loyalty along with your confidence in that vision--and yourself.

And what are you supposed to DO with that information? You can't become 'other people'. So your options are to join HIS vision of your Self as less valuable than others, OR, you can nix that idea and make a plan to not only value your Self, but to rescue yourself.

You don't need to voice your plan until you are ready. Your plan can be formed based on best possible inputs from people who are experienced in helping others to rescue themselves--legally, emotionally, physically and socially.

For instance, I'd seek legal advice to learn my options in my location for self protection, asset division and the most helpful steps to take to execute any options I may select. I'd also seek an appointment with a counselor at a women's shelter or domestic violence prevention group, or even a counseling referral from the case work department of my local hospital or a clergy member.

Point is, you don't have to go through this alone. Just because partner has turned into an abandoning jerk, that doesn't force you to go along with that ride.

I'd pacify him until all of my ducks are in a row to dump him and heal.

Head high, and write more if it helps.