Partner has said he is more attracted to other people - what do I do?

[natalie123]

So me and my partner are going through a rough patch at the moment where we have argued quite a lot, which is obviously effected the both of us. He has admitted that as a result of this, he finds himself more 'mentally attracted' to other people. He has also admitted he is more 'physically attracted' to other people too. I am obviously very hurt by this - his response is that I live in a fairytale.

What shall I do? How am I supposed to even go forward with our relationship? What do I even mean to him if he thinks that? What is the point? How am I supposed to deal with this? 

It is really effecting my self-esteem and mental health to the point that I don't think I can carry on much longer.

[MissCanuck]

I would not continue the relationship. He’s already out the door, and you  won’t ever be able to forget his comments. 

It’s time to move on. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

That tells you that it's time to end this relationship. 

It's just not working. What you thought would be a good relationship, turns out not to have been so. And, what he said is indeed extremely hurtful. How inconsiderate of him. The audacity to say this to your partner!!

You just have to come to terms that you're not for each other and that you have to part ways. So, Part ways and redeem yourself.

[natalie123]

He is acting like this is a completely normal thing, like I should accept it? and he still wants to be with me. Doesn't make any sense to me. He thinks that by me saying that I think he should be more physically and mentally attracted to me over anyone else is a 'fairy tale' and it's 'not realistic' ... which is making me question that. But surely that is a BASIC requirement of the relationship, or it wouldn't work?

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Natalie,

In my experience, in a long term relationships there will be occasions, particularly during 'rough patches', where one or both partners may feel attraction to people outside the relationship. Attraction, for me anyway, is usually not a conscious choice. In that sense, I do believe what you partner described is normal. 

What is within our control, is how we act when we experience that attraction. Pursuing or indulging in that extra-relationship attraction is the precursor to infidelity, even if it is never disclosed. On the other hand, for me, it serves to reinforce my commitment to my partner and motivates me to resolve issues and rekindle the attraction with my partner. Finally, to disclose it to your partner, particularly in a overt attempt to hurt them, is neither normal nor healthy. 

Overall, it seems apparent that, at best, your partner does not have a healthy sense of appropriate behaviour and communication in a committed relationship, and at worst is setting up, or already has, a situation to justify acting outside the relationship. 

TLDR, I think you know what you need to do; let this one go.

Good luck,

T

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, natalie123 said:

, he finds himself more 'mentally attracted' to other people. He has also admitted he is more 'physically attracted' to other people too. 

How long have you been dating?

Dump him. You don't get along anyway.

There's no point being with someone who says these things.

Those remarks are intended to hurt you. That's not a "rough patch", that's abusive.

[Kwothe28]

Attracted as in "I saw very attractive woman on the street" or attracted as in "I met your friend and felt attraction"? Because there is a big difference. We always think we should be the most beautiful thing to our partner. But in reality we probably arent. Physical attraction is just one part of equation. You need to like your partner in that way. But that doesnt mean you cant see other people as more attractive physically. Now if you feel the need to pursue it, that is a problem. And if he tells you that he feels attracted to other people in that way, that does mean that he is not in the relationship like he should be. Also, it does feel that he tells you that intentionally to hurt you. So yes, you should get out of that.

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, natalie123 said:

But surely that is a BASIC requirement of the relationship, or it wouldn't work

Yup. You know it.

It was deeply insulting and you don't deserve someone to treat you like that. At all. Healthy people who love each other would never do such thing.

Maybe 1 week before I left my ex, he said something within the line of I'm not that attractive and he was considering sleeping with Russian women (there were some of them near us).

Yeah. And he begged and pleaded when I left him. Dumba$$. I'm so free now and I will not settle for any man that doesn't add +++ to my life. Better off alone.

Such men are worth 0 of your time and energy. Real gentlemen are out there and they wouldn't dismiss your feelings, not neglect them Nathalie.

You know what to do.

[natalie123]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating?

Dump him. You don't get along anyway.

There's no point being with someone who says these things.

Those remarks are intended to hurt you. That's not a "rough patch", that's abusive.

We have been together for almost 3 years, we have a house together and did have future plans. I understand that we do have problems, but I'm not sure how I am supposed to work on them when he tells me these things.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, natalie123 said:

I understand that we do have problems, but I'm not sure how I am supposed to work on them when he tells me these things

You don't. He's not partner material.

[natalie123]

37 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Yup. You know it.

It was deeply insulting and you don't deserve someone to treat you like that. At all. Healthy people who love each other would never do such thing.

Maybe 1 week before I left my ex, he said something within the line of I'm not that attractive and he was considering sleeping with Russian women (there were some of them near us).

Yeah. And he begged and pleaded when I left him. Dumba$$. I'm so free now and I will not settle for any man that doesn't add +++ to my life. Better off alone.

Such men are worth 0 of your time and energy. Real gentlemen are out there and they wouldn't dismiss your feelings, not neglect them Nathalie.

You know what to do.

Thanks, I feel the same way as in I know I shouldn't let myself be treated like this, but it is very hard when you love someone and want to make it work.

Wow! That is bad. Good for you being better off alone 🙂 

[natalie123]

2 hours ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Attraction, for me anyway, is usually not a conscious choice. In that sense, I do believe what you partner described is normal. 

I understand this, but for it to come to the point when your partner actively thinks they are MORE attracted both 'physically' and 'mentally' to other people, then surely that is not normal?

How can someone who is constantly being told this even make an attempt to 'rekindle' anything at all? It is as if he has already checked out to me, even though he says he loves me and wants to make things work 😕

[natalie123]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am just really hurt and confused, it is nice to know that there are people out there willing to give advice 🙂

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, natalie123 said:for it to come to the point when your partner actively thinks they are MORE attracted both 'physically' and 'mentally' to other people, then surely that is not normal

 😕

Is’s not normal, no.

I disagree completely with him on every level there. I would not be able to get past that. 

[Seraphim]

Nope, him telling you it is normal is gaslighting you . He is full of it. This relationship is done. 

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

Thank you everyone for your responses. I am just really hurt and confused, it is nice to know that there are people out there willing to give advice 🙂

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I would be too.  It was an insensitive hurtful comment.  It's true - we're not blind - do I ever notice someone physically attractive? Of course! Do I ever feel more mentally attracted to someone than my husband -yes, momentarily - but it might be a woman or man - meaning I click with the person really well and maybe my husband and I haven't been connecting as much lately etc and the other person -could be a woman - makes me feel more understood right then.  I don't worry about it and I don't  need to tell my husband because I see it as normal and not gonna shake the foundation of what I have with my husband. 

I've written here about how for a few years I had a harmless crush on a local radio personality - I mean he's so funny, and we have some stuff in common and I love his show and it felt like a girlish crush.  He's cute and all but not "hot" - and he recently remarried (a few years younger than me but around my age so his pop culture references from childhood/teenage are so fun too). 

My husband knows of him and listens to him too.  I would never, ever tell my husband about my crush or what I think of this radio personality because it's a non-issue.  I knew for sure I'd never act on it -no I've never called into the show LOL.  And the harmless crush faded awhile back.  I will tell you this -if I felt the need to tell my husband (and yes if he asked me point blank I'd tell him the truth -that I'd had this silly crush on the radio guy) - but if I felt the need to tell my husband it would either be because I intended to act on it (which is ridiculous and what made it a safe crush) or because I was at a point of being that miserable that I'd use that as an example of how miserable I was with him. I love and am committed to my husband and family and marriage so this "crush" meant nothing in that context.

People in solid relationships can have harmless crushes or find someone else attractive and feel secure that they will never act on it or that it affects their relationship.  Your partner has a foot out the door and these comments are passive -instead of telling you that he's making these hurtful comments.  I'm really sorry.  

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, natalie123 said:

I don't think I can carry on much longer.

Then don't OP. I take it this is the same individual you spoke of here in 2018?

And this is the sort of tripe he is throwing at you.  There should not be any question in your mind OP. Just get rid of him. You deserve better. 

4 hours ago, natalie123 said:

He thinks that by me saying that I think he should be more physically and mentally attracted to me over anyone else is a 'fairy tale' and it's 'not realistic' ..

He's a liar and from what you say a very unpleasant individual. 

 

[natalie123]

15 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I take it this is the same individual you spoke of here in 2018?

Yes it is unfortunately. It is my own fault.

Problem is, he drops bombs on me like this, makes me upset, then says he has not explained it properly and changes words to make it not sound as bad. I honestly don't know how to cope anymore. I have since been diagnosed with depression and think this relationship has a great deal to play in that.

[natalie123]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't worry about it and I don't  need to tell my husband because I see it as normal and not gonna shake the foundation of what I have with my husband. 

You are right ..... and the difference is here that this 'physical' and 'mental' attraction to other people is shaking the foundations of our relationship and brought up that regularly that it overshadows the whole thing.

I do have a part to play in that. I am so insecure because of this, I often find myself searching for answers/reasons why or other indicators that prove this insecurity of mine. The smallest thing can trigger me. I don't know if it has gone to far for me now to be honest because I feel so low and resentful towards him that I don't even know If I can forget these feelings/words and move past them.

He speaks about me so negatively that I don't understand why he hasn't packed his bags already. Its as if he is breaking me down that bad, that he is waiting for me to do just that.

[natalie123]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

because I was at a point of being that miserable that I'd use that as an example of how miserable I was with him.

He is miserable with me, he has told me how miserable he is. The main reason is around this actual subject and talking about it. 

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

Yes it is unfortunately. It is my own fault.

Problem is, he drops bombs on me like this, makes me upset, then says he has not explained it properly and changes words to make it not sound as bad. I honestly don't know how to cope anymore. I have since been diagnosed with depression and think this relationship has a great deal to play in that.

That is called gaslighting. Or crazy making. Just be done. You’ll find yourself so much happier. 

[natalie123]

5 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That is called gaslighting. Or crazy making. Just be done. You’ll find yourself so much happier. 

He has called me a 'psycho' for trying to speak to him about it today. He says he is sick of hearing about it. Well if you say things like that you can't expect the other person to not want to question it or think about it. Im just exhausted.

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

He has called me a 'psycho' for trying to speak to him about it today. He says he is sick of hearing about it. Well if you say things like that you can't expect the other person to not want to question it or think about it. Im just exhausted.

Definitely gaslighting you say no problem you don’t have to hear about it again.  Get out !

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

He has called me a 'psycho' for trying to speak to him about it today. 

This is not about finding others attractive. It's about being abusive. Hopefully t you are seeing a physician and therapist for the depression.

However sadly you are stuck in a house deal and living with him. Of course the only way to stop the abuse and wearing you down is to buy him out and ask him to move out.

Yes an abuser will worsen any mental health problems you have.

It sounds like he's cheating on top of abusing you in other ways. I disagree that it's just a normal "attracted to others" thing or that the onus is on you to 'rekindle' anything.

Start severing all financial ties. Check your credit scores. Change all your passwords. Talk to trusted friend and family about an exit plan. Research "abusive relationships".

Is this the same man?:

 

[DancingFool]

53 minutes ago, natalie123 said:

I have since been diagnosed with depression and think this relationship has a great deal to play in that.

I'm glad you realize that this relationship is affecting your mental health. That said....what is it going to take for you to finally leave this abuser? Yes, OP, you are in an abusive relationship and this crazy making is what it looks like.

Harsh reality is that most abusers will never hit you, so if you are waiting on that line in the sand, it won't happen. What will happen is that if you don't leave him, eventually you'll end up in the psych ward in the hospital after he drives you to complete mental break down. You know what's worse than that? Waking up one day and realizing how many years you've wasted on this loser that you can never get back.

For the love of......get out. I don't care if you have a house or whatever. Walk away. Literally....what's your health worth because it is coming down to that.