Did I overreact by blocking him?

[Jeepgobeep]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Huge difference between being focused on looks and being attracted.  Being attracted was always crucial to me.  Whether he looked like arm candy or was objectively "smoking hot" was not.  Yes in my 20s I thought i won the lottery because my boyfriend of a number of years was smoking hot.  That was my mindset -I felt like you that it was some sort of prize or accomplishment.

My mom would get all girly when she saw him because he was so damn cute.  I'm really glad I changed that mindset and focused instead on chemistry and attraction -I've been over the moon attracted to men no one else would find attractive.  But I was so attracted.  

Oh smoking hot boyfriend coincidentally got married the same year I did.  We both married men.  Of course not all smoking hot men are gay lol and he was incredibly sexual and hetero seeming when we dated - turns out he was confused -my point is that if you focus too much on looks it's kind of risky cause you can ignore other really important things or do harmful things like you did, having sex with a near stranger. 

 It's not shallow to want to be attracted.  And it's not shallow to focus so much on looks as you did again and again with what you wrote about this person and your speculation about how it would be easy for him to get other women.  I dated many smoking hot guys - meaning objectively - and some I liked and some I didn't, some I was attracted to and some I wasn't.  Looks do matter in dating but it's  a separate issue whether the man has to be arm candy or "objectively" hot to others -if that's what you value understand you might have to compromise on other stuff on your list.  

I think him being so good looking would just make me constantly insecure as well. And being long dostance. Just no.  I am attractive too, but I’m almost 40 sooooo…. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Jeepgobeep said:

I think him being so good looking would just make me constantly insecure as well. And being long dostance. Just no.  I am attractive too, but I’m almost 40 sooooo…. 

I just don't relate to how you evaluate this whole situation.  Do you really think age and some objective measure of looks is what this is all about?  It's not if you really are looking for a serious thing.  For casual sex partners age and objective attractiveness probably do matter more (I wouldn't know/never did it).  I also tended to feel insecure around men who were "way out of my league" like if he looked like a male model.  But I also felt insecure if I felt infatuated and we weren't yet "a couple".  It's normal.  

[Jeepgobeep]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I just don't relate to how you evaluate this whole situation.  Do you really think age and some objective measure of looks is what this is all about?  It's not if you really are looking for a serious thing.  For casual sex partners age and objective attractiveness probably do matter more (I wouldn't know/never did it).  I also tended to feel insecure around men who were "way out of my league" like if he looked like a male model.  But I also felt insecure if I felt infatuated and we weren't yet "a couple".  It's normal.  

He’s modeled for FDNY calendars, and for whatever reason this really bothered me.  What I mean by saying I’m almost 40 is that a woman’s value goes down with age, whereas a man’s goes up. That’s all. Just trying to be realistic. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

He’s modeled for FDNY calendars, and for whatever reason this really bothered me.  What I mean by saying I’m almost 40 is that a woman’s value goes down with age, whereas a man’s goes up. That’s all. Just trying to be realistic. 

No. That is not in the least bit true.  And kind of offensive actually. (My husband and I started dating right around my 39th bday -he turned 39 a few months later.  We were 42 when we married -first marriage for both -and became parents shortly after.  I felt incredibly valued by him and I'm 55 and still do.  I'm typical.  Yes your value as a sex partner for people who want to have sex with young women will go down.  Meaning women under 30.  Those men won't value you.  But you say you want to date with potential for a relationship so who cares what those men value?

[Jeepgobeep]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No. That is not in the least bit true.  And kind of offensive actually. (My husband and I started dating right around my 39th bday -he turned 39 a few months later.  We were 42 when we married -first marriage for both -and became parents shortly after.  I felt incredibly valued by him and I'm 55 and still do.  I'm typical.  Yes your value as a sex partner for people who want to have sex with young women will go down.  Meaning women under 30.  Those men won't value you.  But you say you want to date with potential for a relationship so who cares what those men value?

I agree it’s offensive, but I now get the feeling that this guy just wants to have fun after being married  for 15 years. He got married young. So I think he’s just looking for fun, whereas I’m looking for something more serious. He talked about some of the girls he dated after getting divorced and they were young, like mid 20’s. 

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, Jeepgobeep said:

Thank you, this is what I had assumed. But then I was like…why did this guy drive 3 hours to get laid when he could very well get it locally? He’s super attractive. That was another concern of mine. He literally could get any girl he wanted. 

He probably DMs strangers all the time, 24/7.  And you were one of the ones in his rotation to get his socks off.  I know plenty of good looking dudes who wouldn't mind the drive to get laid.  I would get an STD check. Don't be weird about online dating - it'll help you get your feet wet, and you never know if they know someone who knows someone who is the one for you.

[Jeepgobeep]

2 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

He probably DMs strangers all the time, 24/7.  And you were one of the ones in his rotation to get his socks off.  I know plenty of good looking dudes who wouldn't mind the drive to get laid.  I would get an STD check. Don't be weird about online dating - it'll help you get your feet wet, and you never know if they know someone who knows someone who is the one for you.

Thank you for your response. We did use protection but I will still get checked, actually have a routine obgyn appointment next week. The funny thing is I assumed guys on online dating would do exactly what this guy did! 

[Lambert]

35 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

 What I mean by saying I’m almost 40 is that a woman’s value goes down with age, whereas a man’s goes up. That’s all. Just trying to be realistic. 

oh Pa-leez!

This is ancient thinking and you obviously have not taken a look around...

Even Brad Pitt is no Brad Pitt. 🤣

Men are aging just as much a women and those old cliches may still happen but gosh. I hope your self esteem recognizes you are more than an object for a man to look at and adore.

12 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

The funny thing is I assumed guys on online dating would do exactly what this guy did! 

 

I also don't think it's correct to say this guy used you or  to say you were a victim.

Firstly, it's unhealthy to tell yourself this narrative because it denotes a lack of responsibility on your part.

You were not used. You allowed yourself to be... Even that isn't quite right or healthy. 

You said, he called and mentioned having sex. You hadn't had sex in a while and were very interested in doing it. 

It was a transaction that you agreed to be a part of.  Did he make other promises that sex was contigent on? 

For what it's worth... this was a beneficial experience. You learned to be more careful when meeting strangers.  That's always a risk. 

Someone remains a stranger until you spend time in real life and can verify they are what they say they are.  The old "trust but verify" philosophy applies here.

You also learned more about yourself and what works for you. 

All valuable stuff as you start dating again. 

 

[tattoobunnie]

27 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

Thank you for your response. We did use protection but I will still get checked, actually have a routine obgyn appointment next week. The funny thing is I assumed guys on online dating would do exactly what this guy did! 

I have been in long term relationships with guys I met on match.com and eharmony.com.  Go for paid sites.  You can what you pay for with freebie sites.

I also know over 20 married couples that met online. Don't knock it, till you've tried it.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You were not used. You allowed yourself to be... Even that isn't quite right or healthy.

I don't think she allowed herself to be used.  She wanted sex and she had it.  

OP -don't date online. Use online sites (yes the paid ones are better) to arrange a first meet ASAP then get to know him just as you would someone you met while out and about.  I met over 100 men in person through online sites. A small percentage were jerks.  I declined to meet hundreds of men by screening with a few emails and over the phone once or twice because of the various dealbreakers- lies, inappropriate sex talk, nothing in common, seemed depressed, etc.

[Jeepgobeep]

11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

oh Pa-leez!

This is ancient thinking and you obviously have not taken a look around...

Even Brad Pitt is no Brad Pitt. 🤣

Men are aging just as much a women and those old cliches may still happen but gosh. I hope your self esteem recognizes you are more than an object for a man to look at and adore.

 

I also don't think it's correct to say this guy used you or  to say you were a victim.

Firstly, it's unhealthy to tell yourself this narrative because it denotes a lack of responsibility on your part.

You were not used. You allowed yourself to be... Even that isn't quite right or healthy. 

You said, he called and mentioned having sex. You hadn't had sex in a while and were very interested in doing it. 

It was a transaction that you agreed to be a part of.  Did he make other promises that sex was contigent on? 

For what it's worth... this was a beneficial experience. You learned to be more careful when meeting strangers.  That's always a risk. 

Someone remains a stranger until you spend time in real life and can verify they are what they say they are.  The old "trust but verify" philosophy applies here.

You also learned more about yourself and what works for you. 

All valuable stuff as you start dating again. 

 

He honestly was a nice guy. Very considerate, made sure I was ok during sex, and the sex was the best I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk about what each other was looking for, but we commiserated about our former marriages.  At the time I was like well I just want to get laid, he lives 3 hours away and I will probably never see him again. But then a few days after the deed I became extremely insecure. He wasn’t texting me like he was leading up to meeting and this was a huge blow to my confidence. So yeah, I do feel kind of used after the fact. And I was like girl you need to block him if you’re already anxious. And now here I am, I cannot get this guy out of my mind. I went into this with no expectations, only to come out of it with this guy taking up real estate in my head. I’m just gonna stay single this is too much. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Jeepgobeep said:

It’s so weird, the first week I was fine and now almost 3 weeks later I’m dreaming about him and getting teary eyed like *** is wrong with me!!! Lol, this is just not what I was expecting. Like at all. I don’t want to date if I’m gonna be a complete mess about it. You’re right I am SO not ready for this stuff.

I don't see anything wrong with you... you got to meet some hot guy.. But a lot more is needed for something 'real' and to be successful, not just looks.

For a week to go by with no communication? I'd walk away too.  IMO, shows lack of interest.

Then don't look back & think guilt over this guy,, you don't know him.. no loss 😉 .

Now, you just move on.  Let him 'play' his own way out there.

Give it time and meet up with guys .. more locally maybe?  And who DO show some real interest.

 

[Cherylyn]

You did the right thing by blocking him.  This relationship with him was shallow, empty and going nowhere. 

In the future, take it very, very slow and don't rush otherwise you'll regret it again.  Heed those red flag warnings and really get to know a man before you go too fast with him.  Always observe character and make it your number one priority.  Nothing else matters.  Haste makes waste. 

 

[Jeepgobeep]

7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I don't see anything wrong with you... you got to meet some hot guy.. But a lot more is needed for something 'real' and to be successful, not just looks.

For a week to go by with no communication? I'd walk away too.  IMO, shows lack of interest.

Then don't look back & think guilt over this guy,, you don't know him.. no loss 😉 .

Now, you just move on.  Let him 'play' his own way out there.

Give it time and meet up with guys .. more locally maybe?  And who DO show some real interest.

 

Thank you!! This is what I needed to hear. A lot of these responses weren’t really telling me whether or not I made the right decision, and more chastising me for putting out so early. But yeah, one week to me screams no interest and I just needed to hear that. 

[Lambert]

42 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

 I’m just gonna stay single this is too much. 

Not a bad plan..  I have found doing nothing is doing something.

Give it a little time.  you might of gotten a little too in your own head over this.  Second guessing and all.

Your first reaction is usually the right one. 

 

[smackie9]

This isn't about him, or other men, or what men do or don't do...this is about you and the choices you make. You took a chance, and your fears of what would happen were correct. So why step out of your set boundaries. Stick with what you know, keep yourself in check, don't over look red flags because they are smokin hot. Date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. You considering unblocking him is you stepping out of your set boundaries. You already know if you do, you are going to get the same results...you know this, so why be weak. You don't step in the same pile of dog s^&% twice when you know that it's already there right?

[Jeepgobeep]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This isn't about him, or other men, or what men do or don't do...this is about you and the choices you make. You took a chance, and your fears of what would happen were correct. So why step out of your set boundaries. Stick with what you know, keep yourself in check, don't over look red flags because they are smokin hot. Date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated. You considering unblocking him is you stepping out of your set boundaries. You already know if you do, you are going to get the same results...you know this, so why be weak. You don't step in the same pile of dog s^&% twice when you know that it's already there right?

Thank you. I haven’t considered unblocking him, but I am second guessing my choice to block him and need reassurance that I haven’t overreacted. 

[smackie9]

Just now, Jeepgobeep said:

Thank you. I haven’t considered unblocking him, but I am second guessing my choice to block him and need reassurance that I haven’t overreacted. 

You know you can do better, your gut tells you this. I think everyone else can agree to never argue with your first instinct...and that was at the first few moments before you answered the first DM.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jeepgobeep said:

I was like well I just want to get laid, he lives 3 hours away and I will probably never see him again. I do feel kind of used 

If you went into it as a fun hookup and it met your expectations then mission accomplished. No one used anyone.

[MissCanuck]

He's the type of guy with an anonymous IG profile who DMs random women. 

I guarantee you he probably sent out a few that day and you happened to be the one who messaged back. Nothing wrong with having some fun if you're both up for it, but understand you can't take men like this seriously. 

And the wife or girlfriend he's hiding from online probably wouldn't like it either. 

[Jeepgobeep]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He's the type of guy with an anonymous IG profile who DMs random women. 

I guarantee you he probably sent out a few that day and you happened to be the one who messaged back. Nothing wrong with having some fun if you're both up for it, but understand you can't take men like this seriously. 

And the wife or girlfriend he's hiding from online probably wouldn't like it either. 

LOL. Yeah I assumed he probably had a wife or girlfriend, or a few girls in rotation.  

[Jeepgobeep]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you went into it as a fun hookup and it met your expectations then mission accomplished. No one used anyone.

That….was not what my post was about.

[boltnrun]

I don't know that it was necessary to block him. You could simply tell him "no, thanks" the next time he contacts you asking for sex. But there's nothing wrong with blocking him if you feel you might not be able to resist having sex with him again.

The likelihood of this long distance casual sex encounter turning into a love relationship was pretty slim. And I would also agree he's probably married or in a long term relationship, hence searching for sex partners far away and having a profile with no photo.

If a relationship is what you want then yes, it's fine that you blocked him. No reason to regret what likely would never have worked out the way you hoped anyway.

[Andrina]

If something doesn't make sense, then take that as a red flag next time. Yeah, if he is so smokin' hot, and actually is a firefighter as he claims, many women's fantasy, why would he choose to look for longterm dating partners who live 3 hours away? No, that doesn't make sense. Therefore, the opposite can be deduced, that he was seeking short term. 

Locally, he might not be able to fade away from a woman who is totally crushing on him as easily. Or, of course, to prevent bumping into anybody at a restaurant who'd rat him out when they saw him cheating.

After my first marriage tanked, I made numerous mistakes myself in the dating world. I only agreed to dates with men who posted longterm as their goal on their profiles. Had to learn the hard way that for some of them, it was a lie, and they were making their way through as many women as possible on the site. 

I did meet my second husband online, but had learned about, and gone to a few Meet up groups before I met him. I recommend Meetup. com groups as a less stressful way to meet singles in your age group. Look and see what's available in your area.

I wouldn't say I have a thick skin. I'd just say my goal of finding a lifetime companion was such a strong motivation that I put up with all the frustrating and upsetting dating experiences I had to achieve my goal. Take care.

[Jeepgobeep]

56 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If something doesn't make sense, then take that as a red flag next time. Yeah, if he is so smokin' hot, and actually is a firefighter as he claims, many women's fantasy, why would he choose to look for longterm dating partners who live 3 hours away? No, that doesn't make sense. Therefore, the opposite can be deduced, that he was seeking short term. 

Locally, he might not be able to fade away from a woman who is totally crushing on him as easily. Or, of course, to prevent bumping into anybody at a restaurant who'd rat him out when they saw him cheating.

After my first marriage tanked, I made numerous mistakes myself in the dating world. I only agreed to dates with men who posted longterm as their goal on their profiles. Had to learn the hard way that for some of them, it was a lie, and they were making their way through as many women as possible on the site. 

I did meet my second husband online, but had learned about, and gone to a few Meet up groups before I met him. I recommend Meetup. com groups as a less stressful way to meet singles in your age group. Look and see what's available in your area.

I wouldn't say I have a thick skin. I'd just say my goal of finding a lifetime companion was such a strong motivation that I put up with all the frustrating and upsetting dating experiences I had to achieve my goal. Take care.

He’s definitely a firefighter. He’s done numerous tv interviews on the news. His first wife was from Canada and they did the long distance thing for a few years before she moved to the us to be with him. I found her on social media. I thoroughly vetted this guy before meeting him. I honestly walked away thinking I would never see him again, and now I can’t stop thinking about him. I was completely fine after blocking him but now I’m a mess. I don’t get it. I have a hard time meeting men locally. I’m a CEO and founder of a company, and most men are very intimidated by me. I was like wow this guy is perfect because i don’t havre time to see him multiple times a week. Every other week would have been perfect. Sigh, I need to get over this guy.