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Did I overreact by blocking him?


Jeepgobeep
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So I am a divorced mom of 2, and only just recently got my feet wet in the dating world. I refuse to do online dating, and have been living with the mindset that if the universe has a man in store for me, I’m going to let it happen organically. 

A few weeks ago, I got a DM on Instagram from a dude with a private profile and no picture. I figured what the hell and responded. I NEVER respond to dms so for whatever reason I decided to reply to this guy. Turns out he’s smoking hot.. Tall, amazing body, great hair. He sent some pics and I thought I had won the lottery. He text me everyday, multiple times a day for a week, and drove 3 hours to meet me for dinner. We meet and we immediately hit it off, at least I thought so. He’s a divorced dad, and we end up having a lot of things in common. There were a few 🚩🚩 in that he mentioned beta males a few times, and I was like oh man I hope he’s not one of these red pill guys. 

We depart from the date and he dms me when I got home and basically insinuated he wants sex and I was like hell yeah brother. I have not had any action in over 2 years and I thought I could handle it. Soooo turns out I totally cannot handle casual sex. I had been married for over 10 years so this territory is very new for me.

So after having the best sex ever with this guy, he dms me a few hours later and we banter back and forth about the fun. But then I was like….is he texting as a CYA for fear that I would claim rape because he planned to ghost? He was the last person to text in the exchange and there was no action item for me so I left him on what kids these are calling “read”.

I do not chase men, so a week goes by and I heard nothing from him. On day 7 i dm’ed him and said “hey how’s life going?” In the days leading up to meeting him, he always responded pretty quickly, always initiated. It took this dude 8 hours to read the message and respond. All he said was “good, super busy week. You?” I text back like an hour later saying “same same” and that was it. I felt he was about to dip out so I quietly blocked him. 

So here I am two weeks later and I cannot get this guy off my mind. I am now regretting my decision to block him. Help?

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13 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

We meet and we immediately hit it off, at least I thought so. He’s a divorced dad, and we end up having a lot of things in common.

So after having the best sex ever with this guy. for fear that I would claim rape

It's unclear how you went from a random hookup with a creep off IG to "claim rape"?

Were you drunk?

It's great you are ready to date/have sex again but hooking up with randoms who live at a distance is risky. 

Why not get a good profile and pics on some Quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting decent, local men for dating?

Delete and block this creep. Reset all your privacy settings on all  your social media so only people you know and trust can view your content and message you. 

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear how you went from a random hookup with a creep off IG to "claim rape"?

Were you drunk?

It's great you are ready to date/have sex again but hooking up with randoms who live at a distance is risky. 

Why not get a good profile and pics on some Quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting decent, local men for dating?

Delete and block this creep. Reset all your privacy settings on all  your social media so only people you know and trust can view your content and message you. 

Hi thank you for your response. Not drunk, but I know some men will send a text after a hookup if they are planning on ghosting the girl to cover their butts in case she gets mad at the ghosting and claims assault. But yeah, I blocked him. I’m just kind of regretting it now, not sure why. 

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Unfortunately, I'd say you ghosted him and he is now not interested. You guys talked for a week, met up, had sex, then you stop replying to him.

There's a difference between chasing a man and engaging like an adult. It sounds like you let your insecurities get the best of you so you didn't reply to him to see if he would put in the effort without thinking how he would take your response.

Let it be a learning lesson. Do not play games and do not assume to know what someone is thinking. Yes, it is hard not to let insecurities get the best of you sometimes, but it can stop a good thing from happening.

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1 minute ago, Jeepgobeep said:

I know some men will send a text after a hookup if they are planning on ghosting the girl to cover their butts in case she gets mad at the ghosting and claims assault. 

 What!?!? It's a crime to make a false accusation like that, where are you getting this nonsense? 

Stop hooking up with random creeps off IG. It's that simple.

Get to your self respect together. Date decent local men.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

 What!?!? It's a crime to make a false accusation like that, where are you getting this nonsense? 

Stop hooking up with random creeps off IG. It's that simple.

Get to your self respect together. Date decent local men.

Dude it’s literally a thing, it’s all over Reddit. A lot of guys do this. I have plenty of self respect, but thank you for being so not helpful.

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3 minutes ago, HopefulButScared said:

Unfortunately, I'd say you ghosted him and he is now not interested. You guys talked for a week, met up, had sex, then you stop replying to him.

There's a difference between chasing a man and engaging like an adult. It sounds like you let your insecurities get the best of you so you didn't reply to him to see if he would put in the effort without thinking how he would take your response.

Let it be a learning lesson. Do not play games and do not assume to know what someone is thinking. Yes, it is hard not to let insecurities get the best of you sometimes, but it can stop a good thing from happening.

Ugh that’s what I was afraid of. 😭 I panicked when he didn’t respond for 8 hours, and then his lukewarm response made me even more insecure.

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I am sorry, I think that one was interested in just one thing. After he got it, he was no longer interested. Eh, what are you gona do, some are just one and done...

Dont think it makes such a big difference between him not contacting you probably ever again and you blocking so dont sweat over it. Youve been out of dating world for a while so its natural that first guy you liked gets you a bit like that. But just write it off as random hook up and continue.

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Well... you know the saying when you assume...

Could you unblock him and see how he's doing? All might not be lost.

Healthy relationships do take time and work. Both people have to contribute to getting it going. Maybe when you were last single you didn't chase... but that was a different stage of your life.

I think both men and women are looking for their needs to be met in a more realistic way. Adults know the fairy tale was a scam! lol

Of course you don't have to be desperate or put all your cards on the table up front... but if your feeling the other person enough to sleep with them then I'd be more upfront. it is between the two people to make it work aka partnership- communication, understanding, capability...

For next time, if you feel like maybe the person is losing interest or going to diss you, do nothing. See what happens... deep breaths.

No shame in casual sex between consenting adults but remember how moving too quickly made you feel. 

 

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3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Well... you know the saying when you assume...

Could you unblock him and see how he's doing? All might not be lost.

Healthy relationships do take time and work. Both people have to contribute to getting it going. Maybe when you were last single you didn't chase... but that was a different stage of your life.

I think both men and women are looking for their needs to be met in a more realistic way. Adults know the fairy tale was a scam! lol

Of course you don't have to be desperate or put all your cards on the table up front... but if your feeling the other person enough to sleep with them then I'd be more upfront. it is between the two people to make it work aka partnership- communication, understanding, capability...

For next time, if you feel like maybe the person is losing interest or going to diss you, do nothing. See what happens... deep breaths.

No shame in casual sex between consenting adults but remember how moving too quickly made you feel. 

 

I’ve thought about unblocking him and messaging him, but he’s probably already moved on. He’s extremely attractive and is a firefighter with FDNY so I’m sure if there was any interest on his end, me blocking him diminished any hope for that. I would honestly feel better if he lost interest as opposed to me assuming he did. 

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6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, I think that one was interested in just one thing. After he got it, he was no longer interested. Eh, what are you gona do, some are just one and done...

Dont think it makes such a big difference between him not contacting you probably ever again and you blocking so dont sweat over it. Youve been out of dating world for a while so its natural that first guy you liked gets you a bit like that. But just write it off as random hook up and continue.

Thank you, this is what I had assumed. But then I was like…why did this guy drive 3 hours to get laid when he could very well get it locally? He’s super attractive. That was another concern of mine. He literally could get any girl he wanted. 

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1 minute ago, Jeepgobeep said:

Thank you, this is what I had assumed. But then I was like…why did this guy drive 3 hours to get laid when he could very well get it locally? He’s super attractive. That was another concern of mine. He literally could get any girl he wanted. 

You underestimate men ability to do stuff for sex lol

I tend to overanalyze stuff so if I would have to guess: Private Instagram profile where he chases women with it, getting 3 hours from home to get women? Married and doesnt want people at home to know that he cheated. Just a wild guess but would make sense.

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Agreeing to sleep with someone you don't know who doesn't even have a proper profile on social media isn't meeting someone organically. What you just did is pretty risky and something you might want to reconsider doing again.

One thing that is clear is that you are not cut out for casual sex and that you are really rusty about this whole dating thing and how it works. In this situation in particular, I wouldn't overthink it - he seems to have only been looking to get laid, got it and was done. Keep in mind that you have no idea who he really is, if he possibly has a gf/wife and is cheating, etc. So going forward, be mindful of these types of anonymous profiles and guys willing to go far to get laid. It's not a compliment to you.

Above aside, there is a difference between reciprocating and chasing and I think you need to figure out that balance as you get back into dating. Good quality men will not chase you and will expect you to reciprocate interest and effort when it comes to dating and building a relationship. Think of it more like a game of tennis. If either person keeps dropping the ball and never sending it back - game over.

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You don't chase men but you had sex with a stranger? How does that work exactly LOL.  So I think you're mixing apples and oranges.  Don't date online.  Let things happen organically whether the initial contact is in person, through an introduction or through a dating website.  It doesn't matter how you first meet as far as letting things progress naturally.  

Get honest and clear with yourself. Your main almost sole focus with this guy was his looks.  How is it winning the lottery just because of how someone looks if you say you're looking to date (meaning date not just meet sex partners). So if your focus is physical features "smoking hot" that's fine.  Meet people who meet those standards and enjoy the sex/hook ups.  But if you want proper dates then the focus has to be a bit more um well rounded.  Not just whether the person is smoking hot.  But whether the person's character/values/goals are compatible with yours.  Whether you have things in common other than lusting after his looks/feeling like you won arm candy/a trophy.  That takes getting to know someone over a period of time hopefully in public at first, hopefully with both of you sober.  

This person wanted sex early on.  So did you or you would have said no.  But you can't unring the bell and tell yourself "I don't chase men!" and then contact him even though he didn't ask you out for a proper date (he never did -you met a stranger off the internet and had sex -that's not a date and it's incredibly risky too whether or not you'd had "action" for years or not).  He is entitled to meet up, have sex with a person who is single and willing and then choose not to see the person again whether or not he wants to continue bantering and chatting. 

And you are entitled to decide that after having casual sex you realize it wasn't a great idea, and that you'd like to properly date this person if he would like to date you.  You're entitled and he's  entitled to decline by choosing not to stay in touch other than as a chat buddy. 

You two want different things now.  First, you wanted to meet a smoking hot guy -this was like winning the lottery.  Once you met you wanted to have sex with him so you did.  Then you regretted it and wanted to see if he wanted to date you.  He doesn't.  So move on.  No it's nothing like rape and no he did nothing wrong.  You just now want different things after meeting one time.

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19 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

Thank you, this is what I had assumed. But then I was like…why did this guy drive 3 hours to get laid when he could very well get it locally? He’s super attractive. That was another concern of mine. He literally could get any girl he wanted. 

Because he may have already had a lot of sex locally and didn't want his girlfriend or wife to find out.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't chase men but you had sex with a stranger? How does that work exactly LOL.  So I think you're mixing apples and oranges.  Don't date online.  Let things happen organically whether the initial contact is in person, through an introduction or through a dating website.  It doesn't matter how you first meet as far as letting things progress naturally.  

Get honest and clear with yourself. Your main almost sole focus with this guy was his looks.  How is it winning the lottery just because of how someone looks if you say you're looking to date (meaning date not just meet sex partners). So if your focus is physical features "smoking hot" that's fine.  Meet people who meet those standards and enjoy the sex/hook ups.  But if you want proper dates then the focus has to be a bit more um well rounded.  Not just whether the person is smoking hot.  But whether the person's character/values/goals are compatible with yours.  Whether you have things in common other than lusting after his looks/feeling like you won arm candy/a trophy.  That takes getting to know someone over a period of time hopefully in public at first, hopefully with both of you sober.  

This person wanted sex early on.  So did you or you would have said no.  But you can't unring the bell and tell yourself "I don't chase men!" and then contact him even though he didn't ask you out for a proper date (he never did -you met a stranger off the internet and had sex -that's not a date and it's incredibly risky too whether or not you'd had "action" for years or not).  He is entitled to meet up, have sex with a person who is single and willing and then choose not to see the person again whether or not he wants to continue bantering and chatting. 

And you are entitled to decide that after having casual sex you realize it wasn't a great idea, and that you'd like to properly date this person if he would like to date you.  You're entitled and he's  entitled to decline by choosing not to stay in touch other than as a chat buddy. 

You two want different things now.  First, you wanted to meet a smoking hot guy -this was like winning the lottery.  Once you met you wanted to have sex with him so you did.  Then you regretted it and wanted to see if he wanted to date you.  He doesn't.  So move on.  No it's nothing like rape and no he did nothing wrong.  You just now want different things after meeting one time.

His looks weren’t my main motivation. He’s a captain with FDNY, was previously married and has a daughter the same age as mine. We both went to school for the same degrees, actually had a lot in common. On paper he’s a stand up guy, but yeah I think he just used me. We did get drinks and dinner and had sex the following night. I was just now regretting blocking him without saying a word but the replies here make me feel more certain that I did the right thing.

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19 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

I’ve thought about unblocking him and messaging him, but he’s probably already moved on. He’s extremely attractive and is a firefighter with FDNY so I’m sure if there was any interest on his end, me blocking him diminished any hope for that. I would honestly feel better if he lost interest as opposed to me assuming he did. 

Idk... if he's in your thoughts, what do you have to lose? 

and plus he dm'd you first.  obviously he isn't beating the women off with a stick.

But maybe your not as ready to date as you thought. if youre feeling insecure and scared of rejection, focus on yourself for a little longer. 

Someone better will come along. The world is your oyster. This is just one guy.

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21 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

I’ve thought about unblocking him and messaging him, but he’s probably already moved on. He’s extremely attractive and is a firefighter with FDNY so I’m sure if there was any interest on his end, me blocking him diminished any hope for that. I would honestly feel better if he lost interest as opposed to me assuming he did. 

I think blocking is a dealbreaker for him - it's too much work on his part when he can find other sex partners or dates.  Many people including me don't value "extremely attractive" like you do - many women simply are looking for a man they find attractive (whether anyone else would consider the person "smoking hot") and a man who they have stuff in common with and common values and standards to get to know over a period of time.  So he will have his pick for sure of women who are focused on his physical features and up for casual sex.  He will have his pick for sure if he is single and available -or when he becomes single and available - of women he meets "organically" if he also is a person of character and integrity. Nothing wrong with being smoking hot but don't tell yourself it's a slam dunk positive for everyone like it is for you.

My husband is not, never will be (neither am I) and I love him to the moon and back and think he's adorable and handsome.  I was looking at a really silly photo of him and my son today on my phone for the umpteenth time and laughed out loud -too loud as a younger cute guy looked back at me on the sidewalk.  Did I notice Cute Guy? No not in that way -I was too busy chuckling and smiling at how my husband's silly selfie with our son makes me light up.  Even though he's not smoking hot I won the lottery if after decades of knowing him I light up from seeing that photo.  I hope you find that if you're looking for that  -if you are I promise you you'll stop feeling like "smoking hot" is "winning the lottery".  On it's own no it is not.  IMHO.

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Just now, Lambert said:

Idk... if he's in your thoughts, what do you have to lose? 

and plus he dm'd you first.  obviously he isn't beating the women off with a stick.

But maybe your not as ready to date as you thought. if youre feeling insecure and scared of rejection, focus on yourself for a little longer. 

Someone better will come along. The world is your oyster. This is just one guy.

It’s so weird, the first week I was fine and now almost 3 weeks later I’m dreaming about him and getting teary eyed like *** is wrong with me!!! Lol, this is just not what I was expecting. Like at all. I don’t want to date if I’m gonna be a complete mess about it. You’re right I am SO not ready for this stuff.

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2 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

His looks weren’t my main motivation. He’s a captain with FDNY, was previously married and has a daughter the same age as mine. We both went to school for the same degrees, actually had a lot in common. On paper he’s a stand up guy, but yeah I think he just used me. We did get drinks and dinner and had sex the following night. I was just now regretting blocking him without saying a word but the replies here make me feel more certain that I did the right thing.

How you wrote it and repeated again and again about his looks sure sounded like that.  You have no idea if he is who he says he is.  You did the right thing since he is not that into you for dating purposes.

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Just now, Jeepgobeep said:

It’s so weird, the first week I was fine and now almost 3 weeks later I’m dreaming about him and getting teary eyed like *** is wrong with me!!! Lol, this is just not what I was expecting. Like at all. I don’t want to date if I’m gonna be a complete mess about it. You’re right I am SO not ready for this stuff.

I'm sorry you're so upset.  I know of a number of divorced women who go a little "crazy" once they start dating again -doing risky stuff etc.  I think it's fine to be teary eyed and know you're not quite ready.  All in good time!!!

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Just now, Batya33 said:

How you wrote it and repeated again and again about his looks sure sounded like that.  You have no idea if he is who he says he is.  You did the right thing since he is not that into you for dating purposes.

Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. And yes looks are very important to me. Unfortunately, I am probably shallow but I can’t have sex with someone I don’t find attractive. 

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3 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. And yes looks are very important to me. Unfortunately, I am probably shallow but I can’t have sex with someone I don’t find attractive. 

OP, please stop swinging to extremes. Nobody suggested that you should date someone you aren't attracted to. That would be so wrong on so many levels. Physical/sexual attraction to someone is the most basic of threshold musts in dating. That said, there is a difference between only wanting to date a guy who looks like a trophy and dating a guy you feel attracted to but who may seem average to others.

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2 minutes ago, Jeepgobeep said:

Thank you, this is what I needed to hear. And yes looks are very important to me. Unfortunately, I am probably shallow but I can’t have sex with someone I don’t find attractive. 

Huge difference between being focused on looks and being attracted.  Being attracted was always crucial to me.  Whether he looked like arm candy or was objectively "smoking hot" was not.  Yes in my 20s I thought i won the lottery because my boyfriend of a number of years was smoking hot.  That was my mindset -I felt like you that it was some sort of prize or accomplishment.

My mom would get all girly when she saw him because he was so damn cute.  I'm really glad I changed that mindset and focused instead on chemistry and attraction -I've been over the moon attracted to men no one else would find attractive.  But I was so attracted.  

Oh smoking hot boyfriend coincidentally got married the same year I did.  We both married men.  Of course not all smoking hot men are gay lol and he was incredibly sexual and hetero seeming when we dated - turns out he was confused -my point is that if you focus too much on looks it's kind of risky cause you can ignore other really important things or do harmful things like you did, having sex with a near stranger. 

 It's not shallow to want to be attracted.  And it's not shallow to focus so much on looks as you did again and again with what you wrote about this person and your speculation about how it would be easy for him to get other women.  I dated many smoking hot guys - meaning objectively - and some I liked and some I didn't, some I was attracted to and some I wasn't.  Looks do matter in dating but it's  a separate issue whether the man has to be arm candy or "objectively" hot to others -if that's what you value understand you might have to compromise on other stuff on your list.  

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