Ghosted

[Zachery Ace]

Talked to this girl on tinder everyday for a month before we went on our first date. After date 3 she said she had a really good time and was looking forward to seeing me again. During the 3rd date she was talking about an activity that happens in winter that we should both go too so in my head I’m assuming this is going well and it has the potential to go somewhere. That week I noticed the texts slowly started to dry up day by day and by the end of it I got a reply after a day (I know a day isn’t that bad but when you like someone and you usually talk like 20-30 messages a day and then you see it slowly go down you start to question it). So I sent her a funny video about a topic we were talking about on our last date and it was left on delivered for a day again. At that point I deleted her but regretted it and FaceTimed her not the best thing to do especially when drunk. We talked on WhatsApp as well but her last message wasn’t replyable so I just ignored it. Need some advice on whether I should save it or not.

[Batya33]

After three dates it would be nice of her to tell you if she's no longer interested but really you only had two real dates -you met as strangers then decided to go on a date. And yes don't communicate with a new person especially when you are drunk.  After only a few dates it's really hard to tell if there is any potential.  She probably met someone else she likes better/has more in common with.  But it's not ghosting unless she made a date with you and didn't show up -which we used to call "standing the person up" - dating can be like this in the initial stages and I am sorry you're disappointed.

Edited to add since you tend to get your hopes up I'd avoid exchanging more than a few messages and maybe one or two phone calls before meeting in person.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Zachery Ace said:

That week I noticed the texts slowly started to dry up day by day and by the end of it I got a reply after a day. FaceTimed her not the best thing to do especially when drunk. 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately even after a few good dates things can fizzle. Keep in mind you're not exclusive so both talking to and meeting others.

Why would you facetime while drunk? Put it all behind you. 

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, Zachery Ace said:

At that point I deleted her but regretted it and FaceTimed her not the best thing to do especially when drunk. We talked on WhatsApp as well

You talked on What's App after you FaceTimed her, do you mean?

Did she answer when you FaceTimed her? 

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But it's not ghosting unless she made a date with you and didn't show up

Ghosting in digital times is when somebody cuts off all communication without explanation. Just not responding and/or blocking him, for example. Dont get me wrong, your example is also ghosting but today its more broad definition due to communications being more online. Also his example is not ghosting as she did respond after a day and even answered FaceTime. Its just losing interest. I am not disagreeing with you, just saying that definition is more broad now.

Anyway, OP, people today, especially on dating apps like Tinder are like that. Due to high number of people who they can choose (especially in case of women because their number of interested men are vary high) there will be a lot of inconsistance there. They may like you, even date you, but can just as well fizzle out very fast. Maybe she expected more of your dates together so she lost interest now. Maybe she found somebody more suitable to talk on Tinder. But from some reason she lost interest. When that happens you just leave. There is no need to FaceTime her(even worst doing that drunk) to seek explanations or anything like that. Just leave it alone. If she has any interest she will message you. If not, just look at it as something that wasnt meant to be and move away.

[Rose Mosse]

Unfortunately she was turned off. It might have been the frequency of your texts, the content or not understanding or appreciating something as simple as your humour.

20-30 texts a day is excessive and difficult to keep up that momentum. She’s also likely answering messages from others and may be planning dates and meeting with other guys. If you’re interested in future put more effort into planning dates, not sending texts. Good luck.

[waffle]

Insincerity and flakiness is a hallmark of online dating.  Strangers promising other strangers future dates/activities and the next day (or even that same night) back on the app with a fresh supply of the opposite sex (or their preferred sex at least) to ogle.  I know it's difficult but it's a mistake to take any of it too seriously.

edited to add:  I will also go against the grain and say that chatting with someone for weeks beforehand (or even months) is not necessarily a bad thing and often makes the person you're going to meet seem like less of a stranger.  But we all have different comfort levels.

[SooSad33]

You need to proceed with caution... be careful NOT to just jump in with both feet in these circumstances.

You were only chatting over timespan of a month, then went on a couple dates.

If things slowed down, so be it.  Do not react in negative ways... you respect their choice and just walk away.  Leave it.

If you choose to 'delete' someone, then that's it.  Think before you act.

IF someone is truly into you, you'll know it.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Ghosting in digital times is when somebody cuts off all communication without explanation. Just not responding and/or blocking him, for example. Dont get me wrong, your example is also ghosting but today its more broad definition due to communications being more online. Also his example is not ghosting as she did respond after a day and even answered FaceTime. Its just losing interest. I am not disagreeing with you, just saying that definition is more broad now.

Anyway, OP, people today, especially on dating apps like Tinder are like that. Due to high number of people who they can choose (especially in case of women because their number of interested men are vary high) there will be a lot of inconsistance there. They may like you, even date you, but can just as well fizzle out very fast. Maybe she expected more of your dates together so she lost interest now. Maybe she found somebody more suitable to talk on Tinder. But from some reason she lost interest. When that happens you just leave. There is no need to FaceTime her(even worst doing that drunk) to seek explanations or anything like that. Just leave it alone. If she has any interest she will message you. If not, just look at it as something that wasnt meant to be and move away.

I am aware of what it means and my understanding is it’s when you have a friendship or relationship with someone not after a few dates.  Then cutting off communication is not ok if there’s  an established relationship. I didn’t text anyone when I dated.
 

I got a cell phone in 2009 when I was married and  in my third trimester.  I simply didn’t like cell phones But I could call from work or home and email and instant message. If I met someone once or twice and didn’t wish to continue communication I didn’t contact the person or respond since I wanted the same treatment. The response of “you’re SO amazing but I can’t be in a relationship right now / my socks need pairing / my cat is sneezing “ didn’t work for me.  I preferred silence that early on and didn’t find it an act of “ghosting “.
Silence is lack of interest at that stage not ghosting or something wrong she did.  That’s the presumed “explanation “. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Insincerity and flakiness is a hallmark of online dating.  Strangers promising other strangers future dates/activities and the next day (or even that same night) back on the app with a fresh supply of the opposite sex (or their preferred sex at least) to ogle.  I know it's difficult but it's a mistake to take any of it too seriously.

edited to add:  I will also go against the grain and say that chatting with someone for weeks beforehand (or even months) is not necessarily a bad thing and often makes the person you're going to meet seem like less of a stranger.  But we all have different comfort levels.

I experienced tons of flakiness in meeting people in real life too   No different than online   But I was really strict with on line   So if a guy said he would call me on Wednesday and called instead Friday with no apology or sincere explanation I was basically done   And even with an apology if it kept happening I was done  

I think it works great for dating online or platonic friendships.  Not at all relevant to a potentially in person romantic relationship and often very harmful even risky.  Because too often you build up an image of the person or expectations such that it even can seem safe to meet at their home for example. Thinking the person is less of a stranger is is often harmful.  One way to make the first meet more comfortable is to keep it short and know it’s not a real date.
But yes for people who want to date online only and never meet it works fine of course.  And works just fine for platonic friendships. 

I refused to meet anyone in person who wouldn’t speak by phone. It was my best way of screening out for safety and dealbreakers.  I met over 100 men in person and communicated with hundreds. Only one did I talk online to for over a month.  
And one I stayed in touch with even though we were never going to meet for dating purposes. We became friends. We met years later when I was married and he was in my new city for a date with an online gal.  And now he helps us with tech support and we’ve met for lunch a couple of times when he’s been in town to see family. 
I had many blind dates from 1984 or so on.  Where I had no photos and was set up by friends or family.  I set up many people on blind dates with no photos. So meeting people through personal ads or online sites was no biggie. I’m glad I didn’t let myself get attached to words on a screen or a video chat. 

[waffle]

Well, again, we all have different comfort levels.  Chatting with a guy for a day or two just long enough to set up a meeting and then having a short meeting where you still find out absolutely nothing about them would be a waste of time for me.

[Kwothe28]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If I met someone once or twice and didn’t wish to continue communication I didn’t contact the person or respond since I wanted the same treatment. The response of “you’re SO amazing but I can’t be in a relationship right now / my socks need pairing / my cat is sneezing “ didn’t work for me.  I preferred silence that early on and didn’t find it an act of “ghosting “.

Yes, but you see, that what you did and what they did to you, is literally called "ghosting" today. At older times it was simply not showing on the date or even moving away without leaving your contact information. But today the term is broader and does indeed include something as simple as going on a date and losing contact after that. People use that term for that now. OP is not ghosted as he had contact, she just lost interest, that is different then just completely cutting him off. 

I mean, we can discuss is it fair or not. You think there is no established connection and that makes it OK to just cut contact. It was easier to you, you hated BS excuses and found it easier that way then to "sugarcoat" it over message or call. Other side may be little hurt but as there is no established connection you think there is no big harm. I get it and understand the position. I was always upfront kind of guy which has served me in positive and negative way through my dating life. I also hate BS, when they say how amazing you are and how date was great but hey, they wont be with you that means that you are not that amazing. Or that something else is going on. However, I think offering at least some explanation is better then to let other side hope or hanging that something would happen. Established connection or not, its better to cut your loses directly as they would know what to expect and act accordingly. If we take OPs case as an example, girl can just say to him anything from "I dont feel the connection" to even "There is something else going on" and it would be perfectly fine. Instead she chose to just fizzle over time. Which makes OP confused as they talked for a month and had 3 dates. I just think its much cleaner to just have that talk no matter how inconvinient it was, then to just leave the other person in the state of confusion. 

[Batya33]

When I dated the man was the one who asked me out again 99% of the time.  If I didn't want to see him I responded only if we already knew each other and it had to be safe for me to do so. 

I regret a couple of times when it ended up not being safe at all to respond with a genuine polite decline.  At times it was increasingly harassing emails (very difficult to block back then) or very angry phone calls/voice mails. Including one time in 2005 when I'd called him to tell him (which was a white lie partly) that I didn't feel chemistry yet and since he lived kind of far away I didn't want to waste his time by having him drive to see me again . He thanked me profusely for my honesty. 

The next morning he sent me 6 emails with increasing anger and baseless accusations.  Then an apology email.  I responded to the first one I think with a "please don't contact me again".  I'm sorry I'd  called him.  But, an hour later my ex boyfriend called me to set up a catch up dinner as we'd only seen each other once in almost 8 years.  I figured - cool - he's one person I won't have to discuss my abysmal dating life with or these exhausting emails.  We didn't discuss our dating lives.  We were too busy feeling the sparks which we acted on about a month later by getting back together and married.  So there was a really good result sort of from my decision to be "honest" with the clingster guy.

  To me it was perfectly honest when a man never called again after a few dates because silence =lack of interest.  So I knew he didn't call because he didn't wish to ask me out again.  Since this was someone I really didn't know or know well I didn't really need an "explanation".  I was never confused.  To me unless there was another date planned time and place there was no next date.  I moved on and if he called again to ask me out then I considered whether to see him again.  No state of confusion.

I am very familiar with the term ghosting and how it is used today and today the way the people I know use it is in a situation where there is an established relationship.  Sounds like your friends use it differently.  Or other people. No biggie.

[Batya33]

OP I think you should cut your losses and move on - first impressions mean a lot and the typing and chatting you did before meeting really isn't relevant -the first impressions are now a bit of a train wreck and she doesn't seem so into you.  I'd invest my time and emotions somewhere else.  I'm sorry.

[greendots]

You had 3 dates. Did you ask her out again? Or did you guys kept texting?

If you haven't asked her out again, then, most likely she got bored from chatting and things not getting anywhere.

Ask her out. See what she says. Asking her out on another date shows her that you're interested. 🙂

[Tinydance]

Look you can do what you want obviously but can I just point out, 20-30 messages per day with someone you hardly know from online dating doesn't actually sound normal. Also talking to someone online for a month before actually meeting is too long in my opinion. Unless you didn't meet for a month due to COVID or some other good reason. I think you built up this fantasy of this girl online and through texts but in real life you met her only 2-3 times. It's normal for people to lose interest or maybe she wasn't even that interested to begin with. Online and texting isn't actually real dating. In real life you didn't really have anything with this girl so yes I think it's best to move on.