I have a internet crush & I think I'm in love....

[valligirl12]

Hi everyone! This is my first time on this website and I really need advice. I don't have anyone to turn to or ask about this situation... family and friends tend to not know what to say.. Okay, so I will jump into my love life story. I've only dated two people and I am a F23 who has not dated anyone since 2018. My last boyfriend was very abusive mentally. He use to call me very ugly names along with degrading me saying I was always cheating etc. Up until then I have not had any luck with the right guy.

Recently, I thought I was deeply involve with this one guy he told me in order for me to stay in his life I need to give him $300-$600 just to stay in his life. I said no of course because I am not stupid -__-. Fast forwarding to the present moment. I am currently talking to four guys casually at the moment. P.S I am not talking to these guys just for my entertainment. I am not a player. However, out of the four guys I have two who I feel like I could actually see myself with. I know you may ask, "well out of these two guys which one do you see yourself with the most?" I would tell you the one guy I have met over the internet. Now, the second guy I've met in person we went on two days so far and I like him but for some reason I have been thinking about my internet crush almost the entire time. Let me give you the backstory of me and my internet crush :).

One night I was sooo sad. The guy who I've recently mentioned above (the guy who asked me for money) we've had so much history together and I was thinking about all of the times we had sex and shared intimate conversations with one another. Especially the in between moments. I've known him for two years and each time he broke my heart by not telling me what we were or me finding another girls underwear in his clothes and him not caring. He literally came to my door two days ago asking for me while I was at work and I'm sick and tired of him being so confusing... 

I was sad to the point I cried everyday thinking of him. One day I was so depressed because I felt like no one was really there for me. No one was texting me I felt so alone. So, I went to fix myself up. I told myself tonight is going to be the night where I find my future boyfriend. I don't care if it is online I just want someone to love me just as much as I love myself. 

I was on this app called monkey where you see people face-to-face and just interact. Some people are chill some people.. not so much :/. After greeting over 20 people I found the one. He is really cute and I wanted to get his attention. We instantly clicked. He asked me questions about myself I asked him questions about himself. & he told me he would message me on snap and he did two days later! I was sooo happy because he is truly amazing. One day he unfriended me and told me it was dumb that he did. But ever since then we talked every single day. Morning to night. He has never had a girlfriend and he is a virgin. I love that. He always makes me laugh and says the sweetest things. I get butterflies when I see him texting me and I cannot stop listening to love songs. 

Although a day ago he opened my snap and didn't reply... I know he isn't busy because we text everyday. I told him goodnight and he never responded..  My question is should I ask him what is his intentions with me though we've only been talking for one month? I know it's crazy I know. How can you have feelings for someone who doesn't like to talk otp let alone someone who won't even give you his number? He tells me it's a couple thing to talk otp but I just want to be closer to him because we live in different states. I don't want him to unfriend me again or him to loose interest in me. What we are starting to have makes me believe someone can give me what I've always wanted. Is it crazy to ask him what does he expect out of this time that we are talking or to just leave it alone? I feel like I can't leave it alone because this is something I want to pursue. I want to keep our connection alive. I feel like he is the one for me.

Please guys tell me what do you think I should do because I don't want to make a mistake... I really really like this guy. He makes me feel human. He gives me the attention no other guy has given me before.... thx! <3.

 

[Rose Mosse]

How do you propose to have a relationship with this person who is several states away? Can you afford plane tickets every weekend or are you thinking of relocating in the near future? 

40 minutes ago, valligirl12 said:

I don't care if it is online I just want someone to love me just as much as I love myself. 

That is not love. It’s an addiction and need for attention in destructive ways. You’re setting yourself up for a false sense of security or togetherness with an online only romance but neither of you are sharing any real life together. Rethink everything. 

Are you employed? Or are you married or living with someone? 

[MissCanuck]

You won't be able to have a relationship with this guy, OP. 

If he won't give you his number, it is clear that he doesn't intend to take this any further. I am sorry you had your hopes up but he's just not a realistic prospect for a boyfriend. In fact, it sounds like he is already taken and has been using these online chats as some side entertainment from his primary relationship. 

It would be best to meet men locally and not waste time with online guys who you might never meet. You're getting too carried away with the fantasy and it will leave you heartbroken in the end. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, valligirl12 said:

I was sad to the point I cried everyday thinking of him. One day I was so depressed because I felt like no one was really there for me. No one was texting me I felt so alone. So, I went to fix myself up. I told myself tonight is going to be the night where I find my future boyfriend. I don't care if it is online I just want someone to love me just as much as I love myself. 

Okay, this isn't right.

This is not how it should be at all.

You are needy and you are pushing it with such 'expectations' and you are not giving yourself any self respect.

You need to calm things down, sit back and look at all of this in a different light.

Just because some guy has made you smile a bit, does NOT make him 'the one'.  you have spoken for about a month, that's it!  You don't know him from a hole in the ground.

You live at a great distance and would be next to impossible to have any real interaction ( in person), unless one of you is willing to travel.

your life would be much simpler by looking to date/ meet people more locally.

Try some other dating sites (eg POF) or look up local singles grps in your are on FB.  I met some decent friends this way a few yrs ago.

So, give it time... and keep your head clear in this.

Don't rush into anything.

[catfeeder]

I can appreciate that during this pandemic you'd seek entertainment, but you are building fantasies 'around' people and then falling love with the stuff you create with your own mind.

That's not against the law, but it's a disadvantage to you, because one of that hardest things to grieve is the death of an illusion. It's called dis-illusion-ment.

Consider ways to meet real and local people. From there you'll have a realistic basis to consider forming a real relationship.

Head high, and respect your Self.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, valligirl12 said:

 He makes me feel human. 

The best way to "feel human", is to get away from abusers, scammers catfish and other assorted online weirdos.

Get more involved in work/school. Join clubs and groups and sports. Volunteer. Take classes and courses to further yourself or for fun.

Talk to trusted adult friends and family. Yes they don't tell you what you want to hear because they know you are hiding behind a screen avoiding real life caught up in cyberfantasy romances with catfish and scammers.

Do you live with your parents? Do you work? You're wasting your life away on this.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your depression/anxiety, etc. Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. That is the way to "feel human".

[Kwothe28]

As somebody who actively pursued something like that(to the point I contemplated moving to different country) I can tell you its extremely ungratifying experience. Its a fantasy above all. Sure, the other person can thick all the right boxes, can be beautiful, sweet, carying, but the truth is, no matter how much time you spend talking online, you never know if its right thing until you trully spend some time together in person. Until then, its more of a fantasy. So stay away from LDR unless you trully can see each other as often as possible. Also your guy doesnt seem that interested in you from what you told here. Dont think there is much to pursue there. So, go with the other guy that youve been on dates. You can see him in person and his interest is at least there.

[gamon]

You haven't even met the guy in person.

Whatever you think you have isn't real.

 

[KittyCAT56]

If I were you I would just live day by day. Stop thinking about the future, or having a boyfriend. Just wake up and go to sleep as normally as you can. And whoever wants to be in your life during that will be. But please get over your ex before you want to move to another relationship, because obviously you need time to get over your toxic relationships. I feel you, I have been where you are, and I struggle everyday to keep myself on track to not become again a victim of abusers. These guys you are talking to, you don't know them. Why would you want to date them if you don't know them? They can be cheaters, robbers, weirdos, or even worse dealing with some toxic demons in their head that don't need you to help them. Take care of yourself first, and once you know how to manage your feelings and needs, you will see that boys will be amazed by you and they will be in line to want to earn your love

[smackie9]

You need to be more realistic, and do a check list of what your real expectations are...live within 30 mins of you, have a job, doesn't have a criminal record, not married, wants to get to know you, takes you out on proper dates, treats you with respect, doesn't pressure you, etc. All you are doing is getting caught up in a fantasy online world that doesn't give you anything but predatory harassing buttholes feeding you bs, saying whatever you want to hear. 

 

 

[Andrina]

Do yourself a favor and stay off the Internet to find love. It's not working for you with the way your faulty mindset is. Get into the real world and physically get to know single guys in person. I knew one couple who met volunteering at the local zoo. Some couples meet taking dance lessons. Attend Meetup .com groups for activity groups that cater to singles in a particular age group. Make sure your self esteem is at an optimum so you don't attract, and aren't attracted to, kooks and abusers. Read books on how to date wisely. Good luck.

[Tinydance]

Well I think I'm going to be the only person here who will say this but....I actually know how you feel. I'm sort of in the same position at the moment where I tried to date someone in real life but I just wasn't really feeling it. Instead I'm thinking about my "Internet crush" lol 

How far away do you live from the guy on the Internet? Does he live in your country or another country? Is there any chance to meet in person? If you can meet in person even just for a weekend or something, I think that would be better.

I think seeing as you like him a lot, yes it might be a good idea to actually ask him what he's looking for and what he wants from this. Like, does he actually want to meet in person? Does he want a serious relationship? Or is he just having fun chatting to someone through the pandemic?

The thing is, I don't think that every person who's chatting to someone online necessarily has serious intentions. Some people are looking for love and a serious relationship and would be happy to meet even long distance. But some just want some entertainment and attention. I think especially because of COVID and people being in lockdowns or in restrictions, people have turned to chatting online. I think it's important to know what this guy's actual intentions are. I think you should ask him to meet and see what sort of response you get.

Also please stop talking to the guy who asked you for money! He came to see you two days ago? Why is he still able to talk to you and see you? You should block him on everything! People that ask you for money are obviously just trying to use you. Also you found other girls' underwear in his bag but he didn't even care??! This guy sounds like a total dropkick. Even if you don't end up with the internet guy or the guy you had dates with, please DO NOT go back to money guy. He is no good and you deserve so much better!

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

The thing is, I don't think that every person who's chatting to someone online necessarily has serious intentions. Some people are looking for love and a serious relationship and would be happy to meet even long distance. But some just want some entertainment and attention. I think especially because of COVID and people being in lockdowns or in restrictions, people have turned to chatting online. I think it's important to know what this guy's actual intentions are. I think you should ask him to meet and see what sort of response you get.

I don't think a chat buddy can ever have serious intentions of dating because if he or she does they will make a plan to meet in person and meet.  The person might have serious intentions of being platonic friends (I have close platonic friends I've never met in person or only a few times) but a person who is looking for a partner or someone to date and it's long distance will chat with the person only if plans are being made to meet and only if there are plans to relocate or be able to see each other regularly if it works out. 

I wouldn't ask a person who's been chatting long term what the intentions are - because it's obviously not to meet in person.  And if the other person hasn't asked yet that's also the answer -no serious intention to date or meet in person.

[Tinydance]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think a chat buddy can ever have serious intentions of dating because if he or she does they will make a plan to meet in person and meet.  The person might have serious intentions of being platonic friends (I have close platonic friends I've never met in person or only a few times) but a person who is looking for a partner or someone to date and it's long distance will chat with the person only if plans are being made to meet and only if there are plans to relocate or be able to see each other regularly if it works out. 

I wouldn't ask a person who's been chatting long term what the intentions are - because it's obviously not to meet in person.  And if the other person hasn't asked yet that's also the answer -no serious intention to date or meet in person.

Well it's just that OP didn't actually say in her post how long she's been chatting to this online guy for. If it hasn't been that long then maybe it just didn't get to organising to meet yet. I think if the OP wants to get closure about it then she could meet at least once, even for a couple of days and see how it goes. If it didn't go well then she has her answer.

Again though, if this guy wasn't really looking for anything that serious then I doubt he'd want to move to another city or even country to be with OP. I'm not trying to be negative but at 23 years old I don't think guys are really looking for a wife and kids. I do know one person who came to Australia for her online relationship from South America and they were married for seven years. But she was in her late 20's - early 30's so I guess she was looking for something serious.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well it's just that OP didn't actually say in her post how long she's been chatting to this online guy for. If it hasn't been that long then maybe it just didn't get to organising to meet yet. I think if the OP wants to get closure about it then she could meet at least once, even for a couple of days and see how it goes. If it didn't go well then she has her answer.

Again though, if this guy wasn't really looking for anything that serious then I doubt he'd want to move to another city or even country to be with OP. I'm not trying to be negative but at 23 years old I don't think guys are really looking for a wife and kids. I do know one person who came to Australia for her online relationship from South America and they were married for seven years. But she was in her late 20's - early 30's so I guess she was looking for something serious.

I think if someone is chatting to someone with romantic interest and interest in dating then that person will want to meet to see if they should date because anything else -or waiting -is having a flirty pen pal.  Certainly the plan can take time but without that plan plus an idea of "what if we like each other' -then can we see each other regularly? - it's 99.9% fantasy. 

I don't think 23 is too young at all.  I was engaged at 23 and didn't end it because I was too young. My friend's daughter will soon be 26 and she got married 8 years ago and has 3 children -husband is one or two years older. My sister, my best friend from high school, best friend from college, and my mother each got married in their early 20s.  My close friend from grad school met his wife through an online site when he was in his mid to late 20s and got married in his late 20s. 

My friend's two daughters are in their mid to late 20s now and each married a few years ago.  I also know men and women who are in their 40s/50s and are not ready for marriage (even if they think they are). 

Yes age can be a factor but it really depends on the person, his or her goals in life, and honestly sometimes you just meet the right person very early on and you know you are young but you make it work and you grow together.