Broke up and feeling low

[Tinydance]

So I broke up with the guy I was dating for 2.5 months. I have a previous recent post about him if anyone hasn't been following my story. Unfortunately we didn't really end on a good note 😞 He sent me a message which I know was probably sent out of anger and hurt but some things he said really annoyed me. This is what he sent me:

"So I've been doing a lot of thinking since last night.
And I have come to realise that all this was really just because I wasn't good enough for you, you we're good enough for me but I guess I'm just not good enough.
I'm also not sure why you couldn't just be happy with what you had, you literally had a nice guy, someone who not once in his lifetime touched drugs, hardly ever drinks, you'd know where I'd be as I'd never ever be out with some other women.

I don't believe the person you are looking for exists you want way to much from someone,  their existence should be enough for you.
I genuinely don't understand why you would do this to someone like me, some would say you'd struck gold! but I guess you didn't see it that way.

It also makes no sense that you can go from being mad about me and loving me to not in 2 weeks how the *** does that happen.
Out of all the people I would of thought you would understand mental health and would of been careful with how you treated mine but maybe you thought I'd be able to handle something like this without caring, well that would of been wrong, just so you know I literally cried myself to sleep last night I haven't done that since I was a child you really screwed me up with this one. 😔 It's very disappointing that you think you have someone that in their mind you are their whole world but I guess I wasn't part of that in your mind.
I also suspect you have lied to me more than just the last 2 weeks which is really not cool I trusted you so much!

I would of loved to have kids with you in the future but I guess that's not happening and with your age it's going to become increasingly difficult for you, however for me as I am a male we make sperm until we are dead so I'll have no issues as long as my partner is able, on the note of kids I hope you realise with kids your life stops all that going out and whatnot can't continue if you have children.

I will finish this message with this, please don't do this to anyone else in the future it really messes with them I would hate to see someone else in my position as it really hurts and is really bad for someone's mental health which you should know about."

The thing is I did feel really strongly for him but I also had this niggling feeling for a while that something is wrong. We actually had nothing in common and he kept trying to get me to play video games and watch Twitch but I'm actually not really interested I'm that. He didn't have any interest in things I like which are all things like going out and doing things.

He had a point that once you have kids you don't go out but that means you don't go out on your own. You would still need to go out with the kids a lot such as take them to a playground, kids parties, dance lessons, sport game, etc, etc. This guy had lived the life of a hermit and never really went anywhere and only likes staying home and playing video games. He had never been in a relationship or had sex before me at 30 years old.

I understand he's really hurting but I got very annoyed at his message. Basically saying I should have just been grateful to have him because he's a "nice" guy and doesn't drink, do drugs or sleaze on other women. These are only just very basic things someone might want in a person. It doesn't make him any more special that anyone else.

And having a dig at my age and basically implying it's my last chance to have kids. Saying he's got all this sperm and he's going to use it on other women lol He's the one that's never found anyone before me so obviously it's not that easy for him. He said I was the only woman that replied to him on online dating.

I actually have options because I have a male friend who really wants kids and even before that I was engaged and was going to get married, had the wedding booked. And another guy I went on dates with before him was really interested in me and was very forward about how he wanted marriage and kids. But unfortunately I really wasn't feeling the attraction or spark with that guy.

I'm feeling sad because I guess I'm second guessing if I made the right decision. I had genuine feelings for this guy but we really just had nothing in common. I tried talking to him about that and he said having nothing in common is not a problem and "opposites" attract and that we can just do our own things with our own friends and it's fine. The thing is that it is actually important to me to share at least some common interests with a partner and for them to be a part of my life. I wouldn't expect someone to force themselves to do things they don't want and it just seemed like we both weren't actually interested in what the other person likes.

The problem is that on some level he's right about my age and that it's hard to find someone. I'm feeling sad because I know he really liked me and I liked him too. I know we both wanted kids and marriage but it needs to be with the right person. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone then they need to be my "best friend" and the "yin to my yang". Being with them should feel easy and like you have fun together.

I just feel so bad because I know he's really hurt and I was annoyed at his message so we didn't end on a good note.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I would of loved to have kids with you in the future but I guess that's not happening and with your age it's going to become increasingly difficult for you, however for me as I am a male we make sperm until we are dead so I'll have no issues as long as my partner is able, on the note of kids I hope you realise with kids your life stops all that going out and whatnot can't continue if you have children.

 

Wow, just wow. That is quite possibly most hurtful thing I have read in a while. I understand that he is hurt, but that was uncalled for. That whole message is there to bring you down. That is not something somebody nice would said. He didnt deal with break up before, but still, you dont say that to somebody you claim to care about. You did good to go away from somebody like that. Staying there or conceiving a child with that person would be a nightmare. You tried and it didnt worked out, dont feel bad for that. At least you didnt spend much time on him and you cut it off in time. 

Dont second guess the decision. While I am sure he has positive properties, just "being nice" often isnt enough. In life you need somebody who you can relly upon. With that guy, tomorrow when kids come, it will all fall to you. You will maybe not have that much time for friends and going out but you will have bunch of other obligations over kids. Taking them out to play, feeding them, cleaning them, putting to sleep, later taking the to school or even some sport practice etc. Somebody like him, who got used to hermit life, wouldnt be at any help there. Outside or at home. Its better that you saw that on time and broke it off.

Also, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. OK, age is a factor but people have kids at 40. Having just somebody to procreate isnt a solution. Nore is just having a kid. Its your goal as it should be. But its far more important to have that kid in a healthy relationship with somebody who would make you happy and pull his weight when it comes to it. Focus on that first, marriage and kids should come as an extension of that.

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Wow, just wow. That is quite possibly most hurtful thing I have read in a while. I understand that he is hurt, but that was uncalled for. That whole message is there to bring you down. That is not something somebody nice would said. He didnt deal with break up before, but still, you dont say that to somebody you claim to care about. You did good to go away from somebody like that. Staying there or conceiving a child with that person would be a nightmare. You tried and it didnt worked out, dont feel bad for that. At least you didnt spend much time on him and you cut it off in time. 

Dont second guess the decision. While I am sure he has positive properties, just "being nice" often isnt enough. In life you need somebody who you can relly upon. With that guy, tomorrow when kids come, it will all fall to you. You will maybe not have that much time for friends and going out but you will have bunch of other obligations over kids. Taking them out to play, feeding them, cleaning them, putting to sleep, later taking the to school or even some sport practice etc. Somebody like him, who got used to hermit life, wouldnt be at any help there. Outside or at home. Its better that you saw that on time and broke it off.

Also, you are putting too much pressure on yourself. OK, age is a factor but people have kids at 40. Having just somebody to procreate isnt a solution. Nore is just having a kid. Its your goal as it should be. But its far more important to have that kid in a healthy relationship with somebody who would make you happy and pull his weight when it comes to it. Focus on that first, marriage and kids should come as an extension of that.

Thank you very much for the reply. You always say good things lol I think overall yes he is a nice guy but he is immature for his age. He didn't have much life experience because he was a hermit. And the thing is that people actually don't change. So I don't think he was going to stop being a hermit who stays home a the time and plays video games just because he got a girlfriend. I've learnt the hard way in the past that you can never expect people to change because nobody changes, they are who they are. 

Yes I think you're absolutely right that actually there is a lot of obligations to go out when you have kids. He said to me he would not go to a party with me. But when you have kids, they might need to go to kids' parties and you have to take them. Events at school, and just things they want to do. He told me that he would go to the cinema, camping and on a road trip and that's it. So literally all the other things it would be me doing it. He made a comment before that his male friend got a baby boy. And he said how good it is that it's a boy because now they can play video games together. If we had children it might be a girl or just someone not interested in video games. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

He made a comment before that his male friend got a baby boy. And he said how good it is that it's a boy because now they can play video games together. If we had children it might be a girl or just someone not interested in video games. 

Ha. Boys are easier to us men. Or at least easier to connect with. But yes, you never know. Friends kid asked for a laptop for school and to play games and they splashed and bought the expensive gaming one. He played a bit and didnt touch it anymore, has more interest in going to playground outside with other kids. That same friend pulls a lot of weight when it comes to kids. Even hired assistant and transfered a lot of work to him so friend could be more around kids and involved there. But he is very responsible person. He told me something to reflect a while ago: when you are at late age you dont have time to drag relationships like before, but you should have experience to recognize if the person is suitable for you very quickly and see where its heading. So, look at it from that side and that you did that even if it didnt end up in something more positive. 

[boltnrun]

Tiny, you did the right thing. His lashing out message just proved the point even more.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Tiny, you did the right thing. His lashing out message just proved the point even more.

Tiny,

Bolt is right.  You did the right thing. 

He is hurting but doesn't excuse the super mean things said to just hurt you back. 

He needs to grow up.  Sorry he's never been broken up with before. let's face it...  He was due! Don't let him rattle you. 

You've been considering this for a while and you KNOW it was the right thing. You gave many chance, compromised and sacrificed your own needs. He was not giving anything back.

You are 100% right... being a nice guy is not the only requirement for a happy healthy relationship... Its compatibility and wanting the same things and working together to get them. 

You are not too old. You can and will find a better match. Don't feed into negativity that serves no purpose but to cause fear and panic.

Everything will be OK. You did the right thing.  ❤

 

[Batya33]

You're not second guessing but there's a bit of revisionist history here -you wrote about him that you had a lot in common, you were really into him, you clicked, you made rationalizations and excuses for his lifestyle and lack of hermit experience and you even wanted to keep seeing him after meh sex the first time and after having sex with your friend. 

He absolutely has no right to lash out and attack and I also think for your growth and future choices, own that you knew all you needed to know about him before you even met him.  No big surprises -maybe the extent of his hermit like existence but really had you wanted to, you could have taken a really good educated guess that this is exactly what you would have learned about him 2 months in.

I'm sorry he reacted in such a hurtful way and that you got hurt. 

[LaHermes]

12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

We actually had nothing in common and he kept trying to get me to play video games and watch Twitch but I'm actually not really interested I'm that. He didn't have any interest in things I like which are all things like going out and doing things.

 

12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

This guy had lived the life of a hermit and never really went anywhere and only likes staying home and playing video games. He had never been in a relationship or had sex before me at 30 years old.

You totally made the right decision Tiny.  You'd have gone out of your mind eventually from sheer boredom!

 

[SooSad33]

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

It also makes no sense that you can go from being mad about me and loving me to not in 2 weeks how the *** does that happen.
Out of all the people I would of thought you would understand mental health and would of been careful with how you treated mine but maybe you thought I'd be able to handle something like this without caring, well that would of been wrong, just so you know I literally cried myself to sleep last night I haven't done that since I was a child you really screwed me up with this one. 😔 It's very disappointing that you think you have someone that in their mind you are their whole world but I guess I wasn't part of that in your mind.
I also suspect you have lied to me more than just the last 2 weeks which is really not cool I trusted you so much!

Okay, well this guy seems wayyy too needy 😕 .  I gather you two didnt mesh properly. but come on.. his heart is broken in 2.5 months?

Yes, he's got some issue's but YOU can't Fix him!

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I will finish this message with this, please don't do this to anyone else in the future it really messes with them I would hate to see someone else in my position as it really hurts and is really bad for someone's mental health which you should know about."

right, he has his mental health issue's.. so do try to avoid people like this - this guy was laying on the 'guilt' a little too heavily.

 

Don't 'second guess' this.  You did the right thing.  You felt it wasn't for you, then by all means, you had the right to admit it.

Don;t feel bad.  He wasn't for you!  Now, walk away from all of it and No More contact!  is not necessary anymore.  If he sends you anything more, just leave it be.  he will eventually give up. ( HE has to realize you have choices too and you owe him nothing!  we cannot 'make' someone love us).

 

[Rose Mosse]

You'll have to be stern to be kind. Talking about it or trying to help him see your point of view during a break up isn't going to help. It's not mutual so you'll have to remain firm and calm on your end. It's was not working for you. 

Don't respond to the comments about age, sperm and kids. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Don't respond to the comments about age, sperm and kids. 

Seriously, who brings up their sperm like that?  You're supposed to be upset because he will use his sperm on someone else??  That's really ridiculous.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Seriously, who brings up their sperm like that?  You're supposed to be upset because he will use his sperm on someone else??  That's really ridiculous.

Well his whole message was pretty immature. I did think he was nice at the start and I knew he'd never been in a relationship before and was a virgin, but I wanted to give him a chance. Then as time went on, I began to see that yes he had no idea how you're supposed to be in a relationship but maybe also that he's kind of self-absorbed and too set in his ways.

He kept suggesting that I should play video games even though he knew I'm not really that into them. But I made the effort to watch Twitch and play some video games with him because I knew it was important to him. I'd also met his Mum, his friends and his online friends.

I asked him to go for a walk with me many times and each time he declined. One time when I went it was actually later in the evening and dark but he still didn't agree to accompany me, not even for safety. He stayed home and played video games. He said to me that he'd always wanted a partner all his life and he was so happy he found me. But yet when a partner is standing right in front of him, asking to do things together as a couple and be part of my life, he just preferred to play video games just like he always did. He wanted me to do everything he likes and meet all his friends and family but he always flat out declined to do anything I wanted. I pointed out to him that if he's not interested in any of my interests, I would never want to force him, but maybe we're just incompatible. And he said it's really not a problem and we can just do our own things separately and with our own friends. Which actually begs the question why have a partner if you don't do anything with them? The point of having a partner is they are your companion in life and join you in most things in your life.

Also he made comments like "I was just happy you exist" and wanted to introduce me to everyone straight away. I know he did feel really strongly about me for real but it also just felt a bit like he was showing off and just wanted to prove to everyone: "Look, I got a girlfriend".

I shouldn't be happy that someone just exists and think I "struck gold" just because he's nice, doesn't drink, do drugs or cheat on me with other women. This is literally a bare minimum that someone would want in a partner. Majority of people are nice, not alcoholics or do drugs.

I found some of his comments actually laughable to be honest. Saying that he's such a great catch and I struck gold. When in reality he was probably the worst partner I ever had because we had not one thing in common except maybe that we both like dogs. And he was the worst at sex because literally he was a virgin. 

The sperm comments were ridiculous. As a woman he has no idea what a piece of cake it is for me to get sperm. It costs $2000 to get donor sperm from IVF. A very small price to pay to be able to have a child. As a woman I actually have the ability to have a child on my own - he doesn't. Nobody wanted him or his sperm before me so what makes him think he's gonna get all these women that "want his sperm".

[Rose Mosse]

I read it as him feeling frustrated and lashing out at you in the one area that he knew would hurt most which is kids and having a family.

Break ups are hard. Give yourself a bit more time to process and distance yourself from all this. You cared about him quite a lot. You need time to process also not just the hurtful things that were said but also your own feelings and how much you cared about someone after awhile. You did let him into your life. That is a big step and being vulnerable like that is not easy. Even though you were both not compatible in the long run, you tried and I think that is something you should be proud of. 

All of this came about because you potentially saw yourself moving in with him and it opened your eyes to what you need in a partner or what it takes for more commitment on your side (living together with someone). That choice on whether to move in ended up being a catalyst thinking of the bigger picture. He's not what you're looking for. Now you are free to find that and not feel frustrated over this anymore.

 

[Tinydance]

Sorry to go on about this again.... I've just been thinking about this a lot and wasn't sure if maybe I should just say some things for closure to this guy. We ended on a fairly bad note. I know this was bad but I actually spoke to him about all my concerns that I wasn't sure about the relationship and that I was thinking of breaking up over a video call. I said I needed time to think about it. 

Then for the next two weeks he kept texting me and I was replying because I was still thinking about it. He said he wanted me to meet his new puppy. I said I'd come over but I honestly wasn't feeling well at that time. I'd had an iron infusion in the vein and it caused bad side effects like fever, headaches and body aches. I did do a COVID test which was negative.

Anyway then I texted him and said that I wasn't sure if I should come over because I'd like to break up. It's a half an hour drive from my place to his place so it was going to take one hour overall. But I know it was bad not to break up in person. I didn't say anything bad in my texts but just that I'm really sorry and he did nothing wrong but we're just so different and have nothing in common. He was still trying to convince me that it's not a problem. I said I felt very unwell and needed to go to bed, which was true. I apologised again.

Then he sent me that kinda nasty message and I'd had a little bit to drink (not much) so I was tipsy. I reacted badly and deleted him from Facebook. I tried to talk back normally but he was obviously really upset and his messages had an angry tone and he was angry that I didn't break up in person. I didn't want to talk anymore at that time so blocked his number.

I really don't feel good about ending on such a bad note and that I didn't break up in person. But I'm not sure if there's much point in contacting him any more because maybe it's too late? I mean to try to end on a better note...

[DarkCh0c0]

Tiny... He's not worth it.

This couldn't have finished on a good note even if it was face to face. This man is really really not worth it.

Focus on honouring your feelings and not on people pleasing.

If it helps, ask yourself what you would have liked to hear from him, acknowledge it, and then say it to yourself ( for e.g. that you matter, you were more than enough,...). You don't need him, and his perception of you does not determine who you truly are. So, embrace yourself and what happened.

[Tinydance]

Thanks Choco. I think you're right. I tend to be a bit of an over thinker sometimes too. Especially in lockdown because I'm bored AF and my mind just goes around in circles lol

[LaHermes]

I endorse what Choco says, Tiny. Don't even let it cross your mind.  

Can you get out and about at least for a long walk, even though there is lockdown?  

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

I endorse what Choco says, Tiny. Don't even let it cross your mind.  

Can you get out and about at least for a long walk, even though there is lockdown?  

Yes I could do that. Have to wear a face mask even outside which makes my acne break out but it's better than nothing of course. Thank you very much for the comment.

[Kwothe28]

Do you perhaps feel guilty about not giving him more positive first time relationship experience? Or just not staying on friendlier terms? I dont think it would matter if you did it in person. It would be more personal but probably messier as he would maybe cry, maybe you too etc. Break ups are messy in general. For somebody who experienced it the first time, dont believe he would accept it better if you were there to maybe calm him down. Especially because he went into very mean type of person very quickly. Dont believe he would wish you all the best and that you could just part ways. Sometimes we are the villain in somebody else story. No matter what happened to warrant it or not.

[Rose Mosse]

No, let it go. Don’t contact him. Both of you have already started to heal (even though it may not feel like it). Don’t rehash things or contact each other. 

[boltnrun]

No, contacting him would be just a little bit insensitive (although that isn't your intention).  

And please do not turn to drinking.  Call your sponsor or a sober friend instead.

[Batya33]

Agree with the others. Give yourself closure and please leave him be.  He is fine -this was a short term relationship and he probably saw the writing on the wall when you told him you'd had sex with someone else.  But he was enjoying hanging out with you and having his first "girlfriend" and playing house and planning to play house.  He's content with his video games etc and has been for years.  He's angry which is normal and upset which is normal but I think it will be short lived- but ignited if you pursue this kind of contact with him.

[lostandhurt]

I agree, leave him be.  No need to explain or try to soften the blow as it would just reopen the wound more.

You did him a favor breaking up sooner than later.  Could it have gone better? Of course but the deed is done and healing can begin.

  I think you knew pretty early on he wasn't the guy for you and you were not the woman for him but you got caught up in the idea, not the reality. 

  Taking care of yourself is your number one priority right now.

  Lost

[Tinydance]

On 9/6/2021 at 10:53 PM, Kwothe28 said:

Do you perhaps feel guilty about not giving him more positive first time relationship experience? Or just not staying on friendlier terms? I dont think it would matter if you did it in person. It would be more personal but probably messier as he would maybe cry, maybe you too etc. Break ups are messy in general. For somebody who experienced it the first time, dont believe he would accept it better if you were there to maybe calm him down. Especially because he went into very mean type of person very quickly. Dont believe he would wish you all the best and that you could just part ways. Sometimes we are the villain in somebody else story. No matter what happened to warrant it or not.

Thank you very much. Yes I think part of it was not ending on friendlier terms and that I didn't break up in person. But in hindsight I can also see that he was just pretty immature. I understand when people are hurting and angry, they might say mean things but I actually think he genuinely thought those things and that's why he was saying them. He said things along the lines of: "I can't believe you'd do this to me, I'm a nice guy who doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or cheat. Some would say you struck gold!" And: "I hope you won't do this to anyone else again" or something like that.

I think he actually genuinely thought that just because he's nice and not a drug addict that he doesn't have to do anything else or make any effort. He literally had no idea how relationships work but of course that's also because he's never been in a relationship or really even had female friends. He kept talking about this exciting big surprise he had for me. Then it turned out the surprise was that he was going to set up a desk in his computer room for me and I could do gaming and join him and his online friends in the video games.  I think he just had no ability to understand women or even to understand other people. I already told him I'm not a gamer and what things I actually like. So this "surprise" actually was for him and not for me at all. 

It's just a difficult time for me because I live alone and I don't have any pets and my job has been cancelled to now only working one day a week. I don't get to see anyone really, I miss my work and I'm basically alone like 24/7. We have a pretty bad COVID situation. Already had two months of lockdown and still have another two months (at least). It was really nice to be with someone and we did laugh a lot and had some fun. But I know that wasn't a good reason to stay with someone and also not fair to him too. I have to try to stand on my own and get through this as best as I can.

Anyway, thank you very much for your comments. You are always very helpful.

[Tinydance]

On 9/7/2021 at 1:17 AM, boltnrun said:

No, contacting him would be just a little bit insensitive (although that isn't your intention).  

And please do not turn to drinking.  Call your sponsor or a sober friend instead.

Thank you. I don't have a sponsor because I don't do AA but I attend a SMART Recovery Zoom meeting for addiction support. In fact I'm going to attend it in two hours. The people and facilitator in it are very nice. I did well before because I drank no alcohol at all for two weeks. But then after the break up I slipped up and had a big binge. I really can't drink anymore because the alcohol is causing gastritis and I'm in bad pain in my stomach and very sick. I have a therapist also and it's hard because I can only talk to her on video but it's better than nothing of course.