Should I break up with him?

[danica6]

First of all i think I'll have to give a warning because this might be a heavy subject for someone.

Hello everyone! Me and my bf are dating for one year (long distance) , everything was fine until yesterday. He came to my hometown to see me and everytime we see each other we have sexual intercourse. Yesterday I wasn't really feeling it, he gave me the signal that he wants to do something and I said "I'm not im the mood today" he said "okay" and after 5-10 minutes he started touching me even when i clearly stated that i didn't want to do anything sexual with him. He was grabbing me inappropriately and I just froze and didn't say anything at that very moment (that was my fault). He didn't go any further than that but it still felt wrong. After he went back home he started texting me and "joking" about how I didn't give him what he wanted, even if it really was a joke I was offended (he's that kind of guy that almost jokes about everything) I confronted him about it and told him that what he did was wrong. He told me that he didn't know that I felt that way and said that he was very sorry that he hurt me in that way, and that he'll never do that ever again. One part of me wants to forgive him because I still love him but the other part is still confused about the situation that happened. I really don't know how to feel right now, if anyone has advice i would be very happy to hear about it. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Why is it long distance and how often do you see each other?

It sounds like he was horny and being pushy even though you told him you're not in the mood.

You may want to reflect if you want a relationship with someone who thinks everything is a joke and who doesn't seem to respect you.

[danica6]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Why is it long distance and how often do you see each other?

we've been dating for 1 year, we met on a dating app, he lives 2 hours away from me and we see each other twice a month because we both go to college . He was such a sweetheart throughout the whole relationship until yesterday, i don't know what happened to him. 

[LotusBlack]

28 minutes ago, danica6 said:

He was grabbing me inappropriately and I just froze and didn't say anything at that very moment (that was my fault). 

In no world was that your fault. You already firmly told him “no” once. The onus is not on you to restate that because your bf has chosen to disregard that. It’s offensive, really, that he thinks so little of your ability to assert yourself and know your own mind and feelings to the point that you’d do a 180 within minutes at the mere touch of his hand and what he means to suggest or pursue physically. I’d be done with him. 

[danica6]

2 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

In no world was that your fault. You already firmly told him “no” once. The onus is not on you to restate that because your bf has chosen to disregard that. It’s offensive, really, that he thinks so little of your ability to assert yourself and know your own mind and feelings to the point that you’d do a 180 within minutes at the mere touch of his hand and what he means to suggest or pursue physically. I’d be done with him. 

yeah, it's messed up. I for sure didn't expect that from him, that was the first time it ever happened. 

[LotusBlack]

6 minutes ago, danica6 said:

yeah, it's messed up. I for sure didn't expect that from him, that was the first time it ever happened. 

The fact of the matter is that it highlights what is actually wrong with his mindset. He feels entitled to touch you and that you couldn’t possibly mean “no” just because you stated it. 

It is wrong for him to try to change your mind verbally or physically once you have already said you don’t want to do something. That he thinks it is okay to try to change your mind just clearly demonstrates that he prioritises his feelings over yours and that he isn’t emotionally mature enough to respect your choices the first time your give them. It’s not okay.

I don’t believe he is a bad guy with malicious intent, but his thinking and reasoning are unhealthy and he needs to overhaul his attitude towards consent and understand it isn’t a negotiable situation and that trying to coax you into it (verbally or otherwise) is disrespecting your boundaries.

[danica6]

12 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

The fact of the matter is that it highlights what is actually wrong with his mindset. He feels entitled to touch you and that you couldn’t possibly mean “no” just because you stated it. 

It is wrong for him to try to change your mind verbally or physically once you have already said you don’t want to do something. That he thinks it is okay to try to change your mind just clearly demonstrates that he prioritises his feelings over yours and that he isn’t emotionally mature enough to respect your choices the first time your give them. It’s not okay.

I don’t believe he is a bad guy with malicious intent, but his thinking and reasoning are unhealthy and he needs to overhaul his attitude towards consent and understand it isn’t a negotiable situation and that trying to coax you into it (verbally or otherwise) is disrespecting your boundaries.

you're completely right, i told him almost all of that. We aren't texting right now because he always distances himself whenever he knows he did something wrong. 

[LotusBlack]

19 minutes ago, danica6 said:

you're completely right, i told him almost all of that. We aren't texting right now because he always distances himself whenever he knows he did something wrong. 

It’s on him. If he wants to go and sulk for being called out on sexually harassing you (could even go so far as to call it assault as he touched you without your consent) then that is on him. If he was mature enough and taking accountability, he’d own his wrong-doing and try do better. But he’s sulked away with his tail between his legs and that is another red flag against him that would make me be done with him. 

Instead of him being the one trying make things right for overstepping your boundaries and seeking your forgiveness, you’re the one left waiting on him to get over his misplaced embarrassment - I say embarrassment because that is how he feels rather than how he should feel, which is remorseful, apologetic, and accountable. His feelings right now are about him, rather than being about you.

[HeartGoesOn]

If this were a different situation, I'd equal it to he's only sorry because he got caught.

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate this relationship?

[DarkCh0c0]

Save yourself more drama& disrespect and break up with him.

A true man who loves you would understand that you aren't in the mood. He would've found a middle ground; putting you in the mood, rubbing your back, telling you nice words... 

But instead he acted like a jerk in a p*rn movie.

It actually reads like he only goes to see you too sleep with you. Sure, he's nice and everything, but men know what to do and say so that they sleep with women.

I'd suggest you reconsider and end this relationship. You don't need that in your life. You need a kind respectful and loving man who owns up to his actions. He isn't one.

[DancingFool]

He pushed your boundaries. You called him out on that. He said he is sorry and that it won't happen again. Now it's on you to decide whether you are willing to forgive him and give him a chance to show you he meant what he said or you can't get past this and need to dump him. 

The trouble with long distance relationships and only seeing someone a couple of times a month is that you really don't know who he is and what he is really like day to day. So now that you have conflict, you don't know how to judge that. You literally don't have enough information on his actual character to figure this out.

Regardless, you do need to make that decision to stay or go, because the one thing you don't want to do is get stuck where you resent him for it but keep dating him and holding it over his head. That will make your relationship toxic.

[smackie9]

So now you found out the only reason he sees you is to have sex...and he is predatory because he didn't take no for an answer...he was feeling entitled. He's disgusting because he made you feel bad with his passive/aggressive "joking" manner. He's no dummy he knew it was wrong, he played stupid...what a jerk. Now he his way of dealing with it is to punish you by giving you the silent treatment, making you feel more guilt. Kick him to the curb.

[Rose Mosse]

There's something flawed in the way he views sex. Between loving and respectful couples sex should never feel this way, nor any intimate space between people. Pay attention to feelings of uneasiness, tension, stress. End it if you have doubts or are no longer comfortable being alone with this person. 

 

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, danica6 said:

 distances himself whenever he knows he did something wrong. 

How often is that happening?

[Anonymous]

You both have sex without intimacy and commitment it seems. Mostly just for pleasure. He wanted pleasure and you refused to him. He joked and teased about it. HMMMMMM.