My Boyfriend sent intimate video of us to his friends, he doesnt understand why Im upset

[StillBelivees81]

Im 39, hes 51 been dating 10 months. Several months ago we made a short video just for fun

last night I found out from HIS friends that I was meeting for the first time, that they had seen the video because he had sent it to them. It didnt show my face or his , and it was a video from the waist down while we were having sex.

I was stunned to say the least. He acts like its no big deal. I confronted him last night and he really cant understand why im upset. We didnt speak at all for hours and I ended up sleeping on the couch. Havent spoken at all today either.

I would have never done anything like this had I knows that it would be seen by others. I feel completely violated and just disgusted.

He doesnt think he did wrong ... No explanation , no apology , nothing.

Am I over reacting? Or is he as big a jerk as he seems to be right now? I would never think he would have done this. His excuse was " your face wasnt in it, they didnt believe me when I said you "insert explicative here", So he wanted to show them.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, StillBelivees81 said:

Am I over reacting?

Nope. 

This would be a drop-dead dealbreaker for me. 

[DarkCh0c0]

What?! How inconsiderate and selfish!

I'd dump him for that. So should you. There's no point even talking about it as you see, cause despite you being upset he thinks it was fine to do it without your permission and consent.

What a sleezy man. I bet he has done other things to you /exes. Run.

[boltnrun]

That's also illegal porn trafficking in a lot of areas.

That video likely has been uploaded to sites such as Porn Hub. 

I would report him to the authorities. And I certainly would not stay in the relationship.

[LaHermes]

He has the mental age of a 15 year old! Imagine, at age 51.  There is something seriously wrong with him far beyond being a "jerk".  Well, now you know what he is really like.

I know I tend to ask this: But, what drew you to this man in the first instance?

[Coily]

Yikes! This guy is garbage, stinking on hottest day of the year garbage. The fact he's acting as if one of the most intimate acts people do is no big deal to share; is horrific. Honestly sounds like he's grooming you into a swingers lifestyle, without your consent.

Run.

[StillBelivees81]

6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

He has the mental age of a 15 year old! Imagine, at age 51.  There is something seriously wrong with him far beyond being a "jerk".  Well, now you know what he is really like.

I know I tend to ask this: But, what drew you to this man in the first instance?

We have been friends for years , and I went through a horrific divorce and he was my best friend during that time, He just seemed like he was my person , I do love him so much, and he has a million great qualities. This is just so hard to believe that he did this...   I trusted him and have never done anything like this in my life, this was the first time. It was just for us and for fun. 

 

[East4]

So, what's next, sex with you in the presence of his friends, may be?

He has been absolutely disrespectful towards you and if you have some sort of self-respect, you should dump this jerk asap.

He is 51, not 15, even teenage boys would think twice before disrespecting a girl/woman like that. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

We have been friends for years , and I went through a horrific divorce and he was my best friend during that time, He just seemed like he was my person , I do love him so much, and he has a million great qualities. This is just so hard to believe that he did this...   I trusted him and have never done anything like this in my life, this was the first time. It was just for us and for fun. 

 

He is not your friend.

How would you feel if one of your platonic friends took pics of you nude and sent them to your other friends? Would you remain friends with that person? If not, then why give him a pass?

"But I LOVE him!!!!" is an excuse because he obviously doesn't love or respect you. Love and respect yourself enough to toss this guy in the garbage and notify the authorities that he transmitted a sexual content video of you without your consent.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

I found out from HIS friends that I was meeting for the first time, that they had seen the video because he had sent it to them.

Sorry this happened.  He seems like a pervert who's distributing amateur porn with you as an unwitting actor.

End it immediately. This is not a minor issue. he clearly crossed all sorts of boundaries and breeched trust. 

Even if you consented to being videoed, you did not consent to it being distributed to his friends.

[LaHermes]

9 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

He just seemed like he was my person

"Seemed" is the operative word there, OP. 

Well, this man is no friend and his ethics are very shaky.   Anyhow, your best friend during a divorce is your lawyer.  

9 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

I went through a horrific divorce and he was my best friend during that time,

End this immediately.  Take the good advice offered here. 

[DarkCh0c0]

12 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

We have been friends for years , and I went through a horrific divorce and he was my best friend during that time, He just seemed like he was my person , I do love him so much, and he has a million great qualities. This is just so hard to believe that he did this...   I trusted him and have never done anything like this in my life, this was the first time. It was just for us and for fun.

Well, now you see why he was a good friend all this time. Now he's having fun with you! Unfortunately, what you see now is his true colours.

If you have any bit of self-respect, you would cut all contact with him.

In fact, if I were you, I'd meet him one last time to only slap him on the face and teach him not to do that to any woman anymore.

To be clear again: you were lied to. He is not who you think he is. He's not a GOOD HONEST CARING LOVING friend. He is NOT. So stop clinging to him. You deserve better.

[LaHermes]

Just now, DarkCh0c0 said:

He's not a GOOD HONEST CARING LOVING friend. He is NOT. So stop clinging to him. You deserve better.

Utterly agree! 

[Rose Mosse]

29 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

Im 39, hes 51 been dating 10 months. Several months ago we made a short video just for fun

last night I found out from HIS friends that I was meeting for the first time, that they had seen the video because he had sent it to them. It didnt show my face or his , and it was a video from the waist down while we were having sex.

I was stunned to say the least. He acts like its no big deal. I confronted him last night and he really cant understand why im upset. We didnt speak at all for hours and I ended up sleeping on the couch. Havent spoken at all today either.

I would have never done anything like this had I knows that it would be seen by others. I feel completely violated and just disgusted.

He doesnt think he did wrong ... No explanation , no apology , nothing.

Am I over reacting? Or is he as big a jerk as he seems to be right now? I would never think he would have done this. His excuse was " your face wasnt in it, they didnt believe me when I said you "insert explicative here", So he wanted to show them.

I hope you are venting and not seriously thinking that this is acceptable. You're not overreacting. 

[StillBelivees81]

I just know that  I DO tend to over react ... So im second guessing myself because of that. 

I know he will reach out to me in a few days like nothing ever happened, he ALWAYS does this ...  no communication skills whatsoever.  I gave him an opportunity last night to say SOMETHING,  I wanted to at least do that, even though I didnt owe him that opportunity . He went to bed and I could hear him giggling at a movie he was watching..  That in itself made me want to slap him. 

Ill get over it .. Im just hurt and angry right now. 

[Seraphim]

Instant deal breaker and relationship of any kind totally over . Wow, so disgusting and violating . I would call the police . 

[Seraphim]

You could NEVER trust him again with anything. He is NOT a friend and he is not “ your person” he is a guy who sexually trafficked you. 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

 

Ill get over it .. Im just hurt and angry right now. 

I hope that means you'll be getting over him, cause again he's showing you he's the biggest jerk ever.

Your feelings are spot on. Ride that wave, take your self worth as a strong woman, and leave this man behind. You don't need him. Take care of you. I'm sorry it had to be that way.

[Seraphim]

Plus, if you think  that amateur movie stayed with his friends that would be , no. I can’t even tell you how enraged I am for you . 

[LaHermes]

15 minutes ago, StillBelivees81 said:

I know he will reach out to me in a few days like nothing ever happened, he ALWAYS does this ...  no communication skills whatsoever. 

He won't reach out to you, can't, if you are not there and make yourself unreachable. This makes me furious. You are surely NOT going to remain with this sleazy individual!?

 

[StillBelivees81]

NO , I am not ...  He is cut off completely ..  I just know that he will be showing up at my work like he always does like nothing ever happened. Im not sure what my reaction will be

 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Plus, if you think  that amateur movie stayed with his friends that would be , no. I can’t even tell you how enraged I am for you . 

Yep. Guarantee that video is making the rounds of all the "amateur" porn sites. Whether the scumbag did it or one of his friends who got the pleasure of seeing your lady parts in full detail.

Please tell us you told him to go to h*ll and you're reporting him to the authorities.

[boltnrun]

Just now, StillBelivees81 said:

NO , I am not ...  He is cut off completely ..  I just know that he will be showing up at my work like he always does like nothing ever happened. Im not sure what my reaction will be

 

Tell him firmly that he is to leave you alone or you will go to the police to file a restraining order.

And do follow through with reporting him. What he did is illegal in many areas IF he transmitted it over his phone or laptop.

[StillBelivees81]

I havent told him anything .. I blew up initially but I was truly at a loss for words last night, So I hardly said anything. I really dont intend to say anything at all   nothing to be said . 

[LaHermes]

Why would he show up at your place of work, OP? What authority does he have to be there (if he not an employee there)?

If he shows up call security.