Am I being emotionally manipulated?

[Allofamuddle]

I have been with my husband for 5 years and married for just over the last two years. My husband has always been honest that he suffers with depression, and that he has had a traumatic past regarding his childhood and parents who fought each other, his own subsequent escapism through drugs and alcohol, and the individual deaths of each of his parents which were incredibly traumatic.

I have always tried to be supportive and understanding, and have been incredibly forgiving.... (He still has a negative relationship with alcohol, its a kind of self medication (but this is on top of prescribed anti- depressents) this leads to increased depression, for days, and often terrible behaviour towards me while drunk, awful insults with honestly no provocation (f off and f ing die, you are the reason I am depressed, you make my life hell, I hate you, you are mental, you are controlling etc) none of which he remembers... going for one drink and leaving for hours, being drunk in the day while I am at work and forgetting he was supposed to pick me up, not answering phone calls/cutting calls, threatening suicide among them.) 

I have talked and listened, encouraged counselling which has helped a little, he didn't drink for a while and that helped us, and he always professes that I am his whole world, that he has never been happier, that I have made him more at peace and more content in life, that he envisages a wonderful future, that he can't live without me.  

But I feel now he uses his past and his depression as an excuse for all sorts of things that are not acceptable. 

My father was dying in hospital and I asked him to please wait to speak to me as I had to keep the line free for my sister to call; when I called back he didn't answer (my many desperate calls) and said he had been too tired and had to go to sleep so turned the ringer off. (It was 10pm) when I explained how this felt, he did apologise but then reminded me that both his parents were dead and that was really terrible for him, and he hadn't had people to talk to either. I have been sad about dad often (its only 18 months ago) and sometimes he is kind, but has also commented that 'you weren't that close anyway'. (Dad lived 7 hours away) 

Our sex life has almost disappeared, he says this is because of the antidepressants. This has been a slow decline to the point now if I approach him for a cuddle or try to kiss him too deeply he will immediately tell me that he doesn't want sex and I am 'not going to get what I want' even though I have explained many times that I just want the closeness. He is often affectionate... but is only on his terms. And he watches porn - a lot, and can't understand that I find this upsetting when we don't have sex  at all. 

If I am tired and quiet then I am 'moody'. He is always more tired and has more reason to feel sad than I do. If he feels low then I have to understand this and not pressure him in any way by asking him to help in the house or even speak to me if he needs to be quiet. 

He has also run up a lot of debt, quick fix purchases and alcohol the highest contributors, and has got to  a point where he cannot make payments. After giving him my half of the bills, I have already gone into my overdraft by a lot (which I hate) to give him money to buy food for his children while he was away camping with them, to make payments he couldn't make on bills, after which he somehow managed to go out and come home drunk twice (this takes a lot of money). 

He asked for more money to help, and when I said I can't he accused me of not being supportive, to letting him down, had said some more things just to hurt, like 'he can't think of a single reason why he wants to stay married to me' and when I did 'f off and go and stay with one of my precious friends'  as he was being unbearable, he went out and got drunk again last night. 

When I said he had been cruel in the things he said, he says I am cruel for not supporting him when he is clearly desperate. 

My friend, who is absolutely precious to me, says she feels he is emotionally manipulating me, and I need to care more for myself, that my confidence is gone and she is worried for me long term. 

I love him dearly and know he has a good soul, I am certain that alcohol plays a big part, and I do understand that he must have some terrible attachment issues and can see him struggling. 

He is also very generous and kind when he is in a good place, and funny and we have had the absolute best times of my life. I want to help him still to be happy, but recently I can't seem to find reasons why he would behave in a such nasty way to someone he is supposed to love so much. 

I actually can't think straight as to what is going on and what to do! 

 

[LaHermes]

11 minutes ago, Allofamuddle said:

(He still has a negative relationship with alcohol, its a kind of self medication (but this is on top of prescribed anti- depressents) this leads to increased depression, for days, and often terrible behaviour towards me while drunk, awful insults with honestly no provocation (f off and f ing die, you are the reason I am depressed, you make my life hell, I hate you, you are mental, you are controlling etc) none of which he remembers... going for one drink and leaving for hours, being drunk in the day while I am at work and forgetting he was supposed to pick me up, not answering phone calls/cutting calls, threatening suicide among them.) 

 

12 minutes ago, Allofamuddle said:

If he feels low then I have to understand this and not pressure him in any way by asking him to help in the house or even speak to me if he needs to be quiet. 

I am horrified OP. Just re-read what you have written.  Is this the life you want for the next 30/40/50 years?  You need to see a professional as quickly as you can to find out why you are in this awful enmeshment and why you stay. 

 

14 minutes ago, Allofamuddle said:

I have talked and listened, encouraged counselling which has helped a little, he didn't drink for a while and that helped us

You are not a mental health professional OP, nor is it your job to act in this capacity towards your husband.  You will self-destruct and become mentally ill yourself. 

 

17 minutes ago, Allofamuddle said:

to the point now if I approach him for a cuddle or try to kiss him too deeply he will immediately tell me that he doesn't want sex and I am 'not going to get what I want' even though I have explained many times that I just want the closeness.

Mentally ill or not, he is WELL aware of how abusive he is being towards you.  Your friend is right to be worried about you.

"Counselling" is quite useless for someone like him. He needs psychiatric treatment, long term.  And you need to get yourself out of this living h*ll.

 

 

[DancingFool]

He isn't just emotionally manipulating, he is flat out abusing you.

OP, this is what a cycle of abuse looks like in real life - he is really great when he isn't beating you up mentally and emotionally, cussing you out, getting wasted, driving you into debt, etc, etc, etc. No doubt you are fixating on those moments when he isn't awful, but let's face it - he is awful and if you don't leave him, you'll end up destroyed.

What you do is leave him and get a divorce asap. Get help and support for yourself from a therapist who specializes in helping abuse victims (yes, you are one) and if you can't afford it, call an abuse hotline and get help and a referral for free assistance on how to leave this situation.

OP....it's really shocking to read what you are putting up with. Please stop making excuses for him and get away from him.

[Seraphim]

It is horribly shocking. I really think you need to leave and call a lawyer . This can’t continue to happen. People have things happen in their childhood and in their life that are extremely traumatic but they don’t have to flog other people with it. He’s not dealing with it not helping himself so your responsibility is zero. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately there are two distinct but interrelated problems.

One is alcoholism.

The other, more dire, is abuse.

 Do not try to fix or change him.

 Either the drinking or the abuse.

Th only help for you is to consult an attorney and discuss divorce.

In the meantime start to be honest with trusted friends and family about the abuse.

[reinventmyself]

i agree with the others and will add that you are in a codependent relationship with an alcoholic.

Telling someone who has been in the situation to just get a lawyer and leave isn't always helpful.  What would be helpful is to get yourself into therapy and figure out how you got yourself into this situation and why you seem to have lost most of your objectivity.  

Forget about fixing him.   He would need to acknowledge his contributions and the desire to make healthy changes would need to come from him.  In the meantime you can start taking care of yourself and reach out for the support you deserve right now.

If you can't bring yourself to call an attorney, call a qualified therapist for support - for yourself- first.

[boltnrun]

Your life will be like this forever if you stay.

Who is taking care of you while you're knocking yourself out accommodating him? Anyone?

There must be someone else who loves you. Reach out for support. And look into resources for abused spouses and for people involved with addicts. You need both.

[Rose Mosse]

He's using and abusing you. That you are here is a loud and clear sign that you do see something is very wrong with your relationship. 

What do you have to lose if you leave? More abuse, confusion, feeling sad, more in debt? Has he also isolated you where you've lost most of your friends or have broken relationships with your family? Fixing him is not an option. I'd explore your need to fix anyone with a therapist.

You have every reason to leave so break that cycle of abuse and leave. Seek out resources and possible local organizations asap that assist with abusive relationships and find the support to leave for good. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. Have you considered attending AlaNon meetings?

I would do that immediately, ask for a sponsor, and don't judge the experience until you have completed at least 3 meetings.

AlaNon sites each operate differently and offer different cultures, so if one site doesn't help you, consider tying different sites until you find your place.

People who love substance abusers are often isolated and in the dark until they are educated by their peers. This empowers them to make better decisions.

It doesn't sound as though you are viewing your husband or your marriage through a lens with any degree of objectivity, and what you regard as 'helping' your husband is, unfortunately, the opposite of that. 

You are enabling husband to tear you down. That's not a help to either of you.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, Allofamuddle said:

My friend, who is absolutely precious to me, says she feels he is emotionally manipulating me

That's because she doesn't have the heart to be very honest and say that he is an abusive drunk. Full stop. 

The problem is that you are so enmeshed you don't seem to see how bad this really is. It's bad. Can you get yourself into counseling? I think you need to start there, to understand your own codependent behaviour, and why you have allowed this to continue. 

You will then feel more empowered to make a choice about the future of this marriage. 

 

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, Allofamuddle said:

(f off and f ing die, you are the reason I am depressed, you make my life hell, I hate you, you are mental, you are controlling etc) none of which he remembers... going for one drink and leaving for hours, being drunk in the day while I am at work and forgetting he was supposed to pick me up, not answering phone calls/cutting calls, threatening suicide among them.) 

HE is straight out abusive. 😕 

 

20 hours ago, Allofamuddle said:

when I explained how this felt, he did apologise but then reminded me that both his parents were dead and that was really terrible for him, and he hadn't had people to talk to either.

Okay, but he has shown NO respect, or understanding on YOUR behalf 😕 ...as you struggle too.

 

What to do?  YOU need to get yourself out of all of this!  he is slowly degrading you to the point you're losing your own mental stability.

Enough 'feeling sorry' for him.  He's got some big time issue's and you can NOT be his therapist or punching pillow!  I had some emotional abuse with an alcy but I didn't stick around to tolerate that forever.

He NEEDS to seek help and get himself under control.  

I can't see him improving too much, he's become too dependant on his alcohol.

So, is best, for your own well being to remove yourself from this whole mess.

Can you get out with help from a friend?  Get a place of your own or stay with friends somewhere?

And no matter what, do NOT accept guilt trips, negative responses.. his nastiness.. Nothing!

 

[smackie9]

Mental illness and substance abuse go hand in hand. He lacks proper coping skills, so he uses alcohol and gives abuse to cope with his demons. You staying with him only enables his issues. He holds you hostage emotionally. You already offered help, many many times. He still won't take it. The next step is to leave.